Diary of a male chauvinist By Thomas Whitfield The story of a man Who got his and is writing his diary from heaven, a hularious and brutal story. Dear fuckin diary, I guess you can say i had a shitty day. here i am fucking dead by some over grown amazonian peice of shit. bitch had more muscles then Arnold Shwarzafucker. this was one big ass mother fucker let me tell ya. Funny thing was I didn't even bother with her. she asked me out and now i am sitting on a god damn cloud listioning to asshole play a fucking harp. Can you believe this shit. They said Couse i saved some little brat about 4 years ago I urned the right to talk to god. now I am on an elevator from hell called a cloud going up for the past 2 friggen days. talk about slow my fucking grandmom rots faster then this. So as long as i am board out of my friggen now see threw head I mid as well tell you the story of how i got on this damn cloud. It all started when I got into an agument with my little dummy dounce girlfriend whore of 3 years. Now I saw some stupid mother fucking low life bitches in my time but Tracy (my girl) she is the dummest fucking deisel dyke fuckin scank that ever walked. I get home at 5:25 every day So we eat at 6pm couse i wanna relax a bit right. Well no do I get that bit of respect from this dumb ass no she doesn't even start dinner till I walk in. saying Oh Sorry i was on the phone my mommy's sick. Ya asshole thats 3 fuckin times in 2 weeks. I gotta here you tell me about you pethedic fat fuckin mom that is so smelly that her fucking wall paper turned green from the bitches smell. I think if this ass hole died she'd smell better rotting. Then this fuckin snapper head tells me Your not sensitive to my needs. And she has the fucking nerve to argue with me when I says. All you fucking needs to do Is cook my dinner and suck my fucking Dick Tracy. She always loved when I says that to her. She can get So fuckin fisty out of bed but in bed She just fuckin lies thier. Dead fuckin fuck mother fucker I tell ya. I would get more movement fuckin a blow up doll. Oh and getting head. Dame she could fucken suck a basketball threw the head of a threading needle. Thats why I fuckin married her. Oh ya bet your wondering why i called her my girlfriend right. Well I don't consider her my fuckin wife couse she so fuckin stupid. I mean How long does it take to cook a fuckin hotdog anyway. She is In the fucking kitchen for 45min. How fucking dumb can you get. Everytthing she cooks has to cook an a low flame. Got for fuckin bid she thought about my stomach Instead of her fuckin stupid slow cooking ass ways. I even asked her nicely I asked. Hey stupid Why the fuck Does it take you 45 min to cook somthing even a fucking moron could cook in 15. Its a fucking hotdog dumb ass. She says I called her a name. Stupid anen't no name its a fuckin complement when your a fucking retart like this one. So she yells at me so I say fine dick breath after i shot my load in her fuckin mouth I am going out to get laid. She fuckin yells saying she won't be here when i get back. I said I fuckin hope not you might like seeing a real women suck dick. so I walk out. and go across the street to my favorite bar right. I sit down at the bar order a drink and I see this cunt leave my place with my fuckin suit case. I had to laugh thow Cause i am guessing she didn't like the fact I took a shit in hers. fucking dumb ass. fuckin start with me when i get in and see what you fucking get. If i hear one more time I work 2 jobs and I don't have time to do all the house work I am gonna fuckin scream> Like its my fucking problem right. next thing ya know she would want me to fuckin clean. Ya Right while i am at it i guess I'll mow the fuckin lawn too. I didn't get married to fuckin do house work. We did fine on my pay so fuck her. she says to me Dave I can't get food and have money for me on 50 bucks a week. well fuck you too. I work hard and pay all the fuckin bills she expect me Not to go out and drink with the guys so she can buy fuckin tampons. Use fuckin tiolet paper you fuckin asshole, I sware women find more ways to blow money. next thing you know she's gonna expect birthday fuckin gifts. for what some dick head who can't even serve a meal on time. I don't do gifts cause I went out and bought her a fucking set of new pots and she fuckin complains right. Oh what about me. Can't you buy somthing for me. I did. you fuckin do the cooking right. Fuck me for being practcal. well here i am at this bar she walks in and says I am sorry right. Ok I says. Go home and I will be thier later. After i get laid. she storms out crying right. I just laugh but asshole did go home. HAHAHAHA. well anyway 5 mins later I get a beer from this fucking huge bitch. this fuckin skirt was hige I came up to her god dame neck. she's all smiles right wants to take me home to her place. Turns out she is my niebor right. so We go immediatly go couse i need a good fuck right to clear my head. and my fuckin balls. Anyway here we are in her place turns out she's one of those vegatarians. and decides to get all pissed off when i call her cabbage cunt. well fuckin shave the fuckin forest baby. I mean just becouse your a fuckin amazon doesn't mean you should have the fuckin amazon rain forest between your fuckin legs. this fucking bitch was so hairy she could comb her bush with a fuckin rake. so she throughs me acroos the god damn living room I hit the table and land on the floor. fuck this i said. So i swung back she caught my fuckin arm and broke it. Then pulles out this fucking bruce lee sweep kick shit i hit the ground on my back and she brakes my fuckin knees both at once with these fucking tree trunk arms of hers. Now i can't fuckin move and she shoves this hairy sntch in my face. meanwhile ripping the fucking hair litterally out of my damn head. ramming me into her fuckin forest. she had this fuckin goo comming out of it this fuck while goopy shit. so she gets pissed when i says Listen forest gunk get this fuckin rabbid fuck foaming gubacca twot out of my face. so she reaches back and puches me in the balls. then forced me to eat this festering bowl clam chowder snatch. She tells me I am a male chauvinist and I am gonna teach you how to treat a lady. Some fuckin lady I says. what should I call you gonad the vegatairian. wanna show me how to have respect then cook me dinner bitch. and don't for get the blow job on the side you fuckin dyke. In retrospectical like my fuckin testical that might not of been my best line in my situation. she very nicely bent down and started blowing me. and bit the head of my dick off, then french kissed me and made me swallow it. Of course by now I am screaming and crying right. Get your dick bit off see if you like it. so what does this asshole do. wraps guaze around it and puts a rubber cap on it. with a rubber band so it would stop bleeding then after it does. she takes the dame bubber off of it and starts fucking it with no head on it. The more it got hard the worse it hurt. did you ever reach an orgasm with no dick head. It sucks let me tell ya. It felt like freddy fuckin krugar was in my dick trying to claw his way out. Then this is wear it gets really fucking wierd she gets out these fuckin cadles and starts fuckin chanting when she's done my head of my dick was back. Now i was worried. What the fuck was this dyke bitch. but heres the thing all the pain was still thier. Now i could cum but it fuckin hurt everytime it even twitched. fuckin voodo ass mother fucker put a spell on old long neck now he was fuckin twice his own size. I wanted to fuckin die now. I figured It would happen anyway so fuck it. So i started in on her again. figureing if she killed me at least i could get out of this mess. my fuckin luck i would come back as her fuckin vibrator. anyway I called her the jolly green leaf eating bitch. so she didn't like that so she pulls out a fucking foot long strap on dildo. turns me over and fucks me with it. she sticks all 12 inches up my damn ass. I am in so much pain I can't even breath. and it didn't help haveing 2 ton twot on my back either. Now my ass is bleeding like a fuckin pig my didck it bitten off and voodooed back on i got 2 broken legs and a broken arm and a dick 20 inches long what the fuck. for what. calling her a name shit. fucking handle life why don't ya. I am screaming my head off and guess who walks in My little dyke fuckin bitch girlfriend tracy. I figure she's gonna help right. she pulls out a dildo thats 17 inches long and while this amazonian dyke holds me down fuck me with it. Like she's going to a fuckin rodeo. Fuckin thanks I get for takin in this no count little disrespectfull little bitch. Then just for kicks they both shove then up my ass at the same time. all the fucking way now my ass is the fuckin lincon tunnel. and I fack do shit about any of this. Now These fucking ditzy ass bitches decide. they are not finished so after a 2 hr ass bounding they decide. to walk in the kitchen i can't fuckin move come back With a box of exlax. What the hell is this i am thinking right. they both eat a hole enire candy bar they come 2 in a box. but you are suppose to eat one little square but no they eat all nine on each bar. in about 5 min i hear this amazons.s stomach first. so tracy comes over holds my head. so i can't move and this big dyke grabs a bat and smashes my balls with it then squats down while my mouth is open and uses my case like a fuckin fergason(brand of toilet). then i have to lick the shit off her ass and she does it 5 more times. Then tracy followed with 4 of her own. I eat a total of 10 loads of shit. I was fckin pukin vomiting my guts out. so they make me wash it down by drinking thier piss. Let me tell ya it actually tasted a lot better. then more of the dildo tracy stuck the 17 inch one in my ass while this amazon stuck the other one down my throwt. anyway I thought i was gonna die from gaging on this dick but every fucking time Id turn blue she's pull it out. Then just for good measure she broke my other arm when I called her The amazon dumb fuck. I know i had better ones but at the time its the best i could do. so they both fucked me for like 12 fuckin hours straight i couldn't cum couse of some voodoo shit. it just stayed hard. thats it. my balls are blue my arms and legs are broke i sell like shit and piss my ass is now a drive way my thought is sore and my dick was raw from being fucked so much so now she gets me in a sizzor lock around my head and chech squuzing the shit out of me. breaking my ribs then my fuckin neck. But get this I am not dead my whole body can't move but i am not fuckin dead hell least i couldn't feel the ficken pain anymore. Then they took turns breathing thier shit breath in my face laughing at the faces i made. so they kept it up for an hour then made me eat both of them out for 3 hours a piece but fuckin finally amazon bitch started cummeng and dumb ass smothered me to death I woke up right here on this fuckin cloud. with harpo over here. oh shit i gotta go I am here in clouville finally got to talk to the big guy. hope he shoves a lighting bolt up that amazons ass. He walks up to a golden gate and on the other side is a marble podium with st peter to greet him. for some reason he knows who this is. so you are that dick from the bible st pecker. wear is this guy at I wanna send a lighting bolt up somes ass. Eeven in death you bring your anger my son. My son my ass get you fucking greatfull dead looking ass out of my face with that bible shit. you want a fuckin command ment hows this. Thow shalt not get fucked by an amazon hows that. My son repent your ways or barrish in the flames of hell. You fucking think that hell has anything on what i just been threw asshole fuck that. Its fuckin party time dick nose. then a vioce rang out saying My son the reason your here is couse in life thow you showed no compation for your fellow human. you did one good thing resqueing that young man unselfishly. So what i get in or what. Not so fast my son. Your ways are so cruel I cannot let you in my paridise. He grabbs his crotch and says paradise this. Fuckin harp playing wing freaks clouds all around what so fucking great about here. Wears the pussy. Then The amazon appeared behind him. and god spoke again. For your crimes And good deed i reward you as such. You will have this women and serve her as a queen. your love. He looked over behind hiom here was the same amazon that killed him. Go in peice. and Heres to you dave Sucking my dick. And so it was bequeathed that Dave spend eturnity being The amazons love slave to love honer or obey. for all eturnity. and so passed down 15 childs 7 of male and 8 of female. and god smile when he see's dave now. I guess we can lay to rest that god does have a sense of humor. The End