The Weapon - Lex - part 19
By Diana the Valkyrie
A picnic
Update: 03/11/2003 to valkyrie05


I woke up alone, and my first thought was that Wendy had done it again. You
have no idea how disconcerting it is to find that you can be just switched off
like a table lamp. I found a towelling dressing gown that was only a bit too
small for me, and went to look for Kate. She was in the kitchen drinking
coffee. "There's more in the pot," she said. I grabbed a cup, and sat down
opposite her.

"Well," I said. "Well," she replied. "That was rather good," I said. "Rather
good? Is that all?" "British understatement," I explained, "when we say
something is rather good, we mean it's most excellent as you Californians
say." "We stopped saying that about a hundred years ago." "Oh. Well, anyway.
That's what it was. OK?" She smiled.

Some women have never caught on to the fact that the sexiest part of a woman
isn't damp and hairy or soft and dangly. It's the smile. And Kate had a smile
like a fourteen pound sledgehammer. So I smiled back, and sipped my coffee.
"So," she said, "what now?" "Wendy, what now?" I thought. Silence. "Coach?"
More silence. Uh-oh, looks like I'm on my own. "Um, maybe we could go out
today, you could show me San Andreas, all I've seen so far is the hotel and
the courthouse."

We went out in Kate's car. First stop was the supermarket for some bread and
cheese, butter and ham, salad and fruit, and a couple of bottles of drink.
Then we drove out of town, past green fields and orchards, until we got to a
place that was a bit hilly and rocky. Kate parked the car, I grabbed the food
and we started walking. "See, this is what it was like before people came,"
she explained. I looked around, it was almost barren, and pretty hot. Not
quite desert, maybe, but not somewhere you'd think of farming. "We water it,
and fertilise it, and the desert blooms," she said, "but get out to here, and
you're back to the way it was."

We found a flat area, and spread ourselves out. Kate poured out some lemonade,
and I buttered some bread. She fed me bread-and-cheese, I erotically inserted
a spring onion into her mouth, and she made me shiver with what she did to it.
Then someone said "You forgot the Marmite."

"Wendy!" I said, and for a minute, I was tumbling over the ground, surrounded
by female feathers. Eventually, she let me escape. "Hi, Kate," she said.
"Hello, Mrs McCrea." "Wendy, call me Wendy." Kate asked "What's Marmite?" "I
thought you'd never ask," said Wendy, and brought a pot out from under her
cape. "You put it on toast, ideally, but bread will do." Kate tried it. "Ugh,"
she said, making a face. "It's an acquired taste," I explained. "So tell me
about yourself," Kate said to Wendy, "I've read about you, but I feel like I
don't know you at all." "Whereas I feel I know you quite intimately," said
Wendy.

I stared at Wendy, my mouth open, my face bright red, in total shock. Kate
looked at me, puzzled. Land sakes, Wendy, how could you make a gaffe like
this? I wondered how I was going to deal with this, and then I knew. "Wendy?"
I said. "Mmm?" she said, eating an olive. "Go away. I don't want to see you
for several hours."

She stopped eating the olive, and threw it at me, it bounced off my head. Then
she flew up into the air, and soared back towards town. I turned to Kate. "I
have a confession to make." "Yes, I guess you do, but I really can't imagine
what it might be." I sighed.

"You remember I told you I'm a batchelor." "Whereas actually you're a married
man," she said. "No, no, I really am a batchelor. What I mean is, not only am
I a batchelor; until last night I was a virgin, too."

Kate raised an eyebrow. I guess that's as rare as unicorns in this part of the
world, at our age. "You should think of it as a handicap, like being colour
blind. I'm socially inept with women, haven't the first clue. Don't know where
first base is, let alone ever been there." "You were doing OK last night," she
chuckled. "Thanks, but that's the whole point. I had a coach. Wendy was
helping me, talking me through it. She was my prompter." "You mean, what you
said, you were just repeating what she told you to say?" "No, no. I mean what
I was doing. And not in detail, she was just giving me the overall direction,
the interpretation and detailed action was all me."

Kate stared at me, I could see she was trying to work out what all this meant.
"Look, I'm sorry, but the fact is, if she hadn't, then I wouldn't have known
the first thing about what to do, and I'd have scuttled off back to the hotel
rather than admit it." "So she was watching the whole time? What, the cam in
your mobile?" "No. No, it wasn't that. I think she was actually there." "I
didn't see her." "Nor did I." "She was invisible?" "Look, don't ask me, I'm
not a physicist, I'm a solicitor. The only thing you can do about it, is just
accept that she can do things that you and I don't understand how she does
them. She was there, she saw the whole thing ... " "The whole thing?" "Er,
yes. Right up to the end." "Huh." "She saw the whole thing and she was, not
telling me what to do, no. She was coaching me, you know?"

"Huh." I could see Kate was still undecided about this. "That was a bit crass
of her just now, don't you think?" I'd had a chance to think about this now
that I wasn't in total shock. "No, I don't think so. I think she did that on
purpose. You see, I wasn't planning to tell you about this. Which is
dishonest, a bit. And she just forced me to be honest with you."

"Huh," she said again. "So, Herb, what exactly is your relationship with
Wendy?"

Good question. I thought for a moment, but I didn't need to think very long.
She wasn't my lover, and I wasn't her Wielder. "She's my best friend," I said.

Kate smiled. "It must be great to have a friend like that," she said, "but you
just told your coach to get away for several hours. So let's see what you can
do without a coach."

That's the moment when I understood why Kate had brought a blanket from the
car; I'd wondered why she thought a blanket would be useful in this heat. She
spread the blanket out on the desert ground, and I scooted over to sit next to
her. And in the next hour or so, we discovered what I could do without a
coach. Or, to be more precise, with a different coach, because one of the
things I discovered is that Kate's noises kind of told me what to do next. I
mean, not in so many words, I still had to improvise quite a lot.

Afterwards, Kate asked me, "So what are your plans for the future?" "I don't
know," I replied, "I'll have to ask her." "I didn't mean her plans, I meant
yours, Herb." "Oh," I said. "I suppose I'll go back to soliciting.
Conveyancing and stuff. You know?" She lay on the blanket next to me, and
looked at me. "You enjoy doing that?" "Well, it's a nice quiet life, and it
pays the bills. Although after the excitement of the last few days, it'll be
difficult to settle back into the routine." "Doesn't Wendy have any plans for
you?" "I don't know, she hasn't said. I don't think so, she hasn't really
talked with me about anything beyond this case. You know, it's really just a
professional relationship. Except I took it pro bono." "You're not getting
paid for all this?" I shook my head. "I thought that, all the things she does
for people without expecting anything back, it would be pretty crass of me to
ask for payment."

"You know, Herb, you're rather a sweet guy. A bit innocent, but maybe that's
part of the charm." I blushed. "Listen, how about you stay here for a bit,
when did you last have any kind of holiday?" "I'll have to ask her ... " "It's
fine by me, baby" interrupted Wendy. "Hey, I thought I told you ... " "I don't
always do what I'm told, baby, big surprise." "So how about it?" asked Kate.
"Want me to twist his arm a bit?" offered Wendy.

"That won't be necessary," I said with as much dignity as you can summon while
sitting half-naked on a blanket in front of two attractive girls. No, women.
No, one woman and one, well, I'm not really sure what. One Wendy. "I'll tell
the hotel I'll be staying for two more weeks. I expect the US authorities
won't deport me as an illegal immigrant?" Wendy and Kate exchanged glances.
"I'll tell him," said Wendy. "No," said Kate, "I might as well get used to
this, he's pretty hopeless, isn't he?" Wendy nodded. "Hey, he's right here,
you don't have to discuss him," I reminded them. "You'll stay in my house,"
said Kate. "Oh, that's kind of you, you have a spare room?"

"Are you sure?" asked Wendy, "I could twist it really hard." "Leave it to me,"
said Kate, "I've been married twice, I know how to deal with them." And
divorced twice, she'd told me. Suddenly I wondered what had happened to her
two exes. "Don't worry, Wendy, it's only a couple of weeks, then I'll get back
to help you sort out the rest of this thing." "He's hopeless," said Wendy,
"you'll have your work cut out here." "I'll manage," grinned Kate.

"Look," said Wendy. "I'm very grateful for your help in dealing with this
case, and I'm still your friend, and if you ever get into trouble, just yell
for me, but I can actually handle it from here." "No, you need me to ... "
"Herbert, you're fired. Is that blunt enough for you?" "But how will you find
the money to pay ... " "That's my problem, baby, OK? Just assume that I have
resources you don't know about." Which I'm sure was correct, she was
continually surprising me with her capabilities. "But you ... " "Shut up,
Herb," said Kate. "But ... "

Wendy pushed me over from a sitting position to lying down, and held me there
while Kate got on top of me. Wendy then flew away, and you don't need to know
what Kate did next.

Afterwards, we shared a bottle of some highly caffeinated drink, and talked.
It seems that although Kate did have a spare room, she was thinking more in
terms of me sharing her bed. "But .." I said, and then stopped. Is this
something I wanted to argue against? "No it bloody isn't" said a voice from
nowhere.

. . .

I'm perfectly happy being a paralegal, apart from the jokes that people make.
You know, like "Couldn't hack it as the real thing, huh?" It wasn't actually
funny the first time, and it isn't funny the ten thousandth time. There was no
problem with getting a work permit; since I was married to an American
Citizen, I automatically got citizenship, although I kept my British
citizenship too, that's my roots. At first, I was a bit miffed that I'd
devoted all this time and effort to help Wendy, and all I got was a thank you.
But after I had a chance to reflect a bit, I realised that I got a hell of a
lot more than that. Without Wendy's help, I'm quite certain I wouldn't be with
Kate now. And Kate is one land sakes woman. At my age, I wouldn't want some 20
year old beach bunny anyway. I wouldn't be able to talk to her about the law,
for a start.

I never did get to check out Cute Chicken. Probably some fast food joint with
waitresses not wearing much, they have places like that in California. Frank
likes it here, there's a lot more green for him to frolic in, and plenty of
squirrels to chase. Not that he's ever caught one.

I don't get paid anything like as much as a judge, of course, but Kate doesn't
seem to mind being the main breadwinner of the family, and at our age, there's
not going to be the patter of tiny feet. Well, except when Wendy visits, she
seems to have an endless supply of nieces and nephews. I have no idea where
she got the $4.83 billion to pay the lawsuit. Every time I ask her, she fobs
me off with this "I don't understand about money" thing, which I'm beginning
to think might just be a complete porkie.