The Weapon - Lex - part 16
By Diana the Valkyrie
Damn pigeons
Update: 31/10/2003 to valkyrie05



So, once again I lay down, closed my eyes and tried to sleep. And once again,
my body clock was insisting it wasn't sleepy-time yet, until Wendy said "Are
you having trouble sleeping again?" "Yes, I am, it's still noon where I am. Or
something." "Herbert, go to sleep", and the next thing I knew, it was morning.
Bright and early. The sun was in my eyes, and Wendy was pulling me out of bed.
"Wendy, why is it that when you tell me to go to sleep, I just seem to ...
AAAARGHHHH!!!"

That's the noise you make when someone pulls you out of a nice warm bed and
under a freezing cold shower. She manhandled me into there, blasted me with
the freezing spray, splattered soap all over me, rinsed me off with another
blast of icy water, then wrapped me up in a warm towel and rubbed me dry. I
have to say, the last part pretty much made up for the rest of it. "Duncan
used to love this," she said. "I'm not Duncan," I protested.

I got dressed, and then she hauled me straight out of the window, and suddenly
I was blind again..

We were several hundred feet in the air before I caught my breath again.
"Wendy," I gasped. "You're probably wondering about breakfast, huh?" she
asked. "Well actually," I tried to say, but at that point, I found that my
mouth was half full of toast and, and, could it be? yes it was! Marmite! Where
on earth did she get Marmite from? "I went home, fed Frank, walked him, and
brought your breakfast. He was ever so pleased to see me! But he's missing
you, Herbie. If you eat on the trot, it'll save a lot of time." I muttered
something about indigestion, but we were landing already. It was good to hear
that my dog hadn't completely forgotten me. Wait a minute. How did she know he
was missing me? "He whined a bit, which means 'Where's Herbie, I miss the old
bastard', you see?" Yes, I see.

I rang the bell on the front door, and the lady of the house came to the door.
I introduced myself as the person come to assess her claim for earthquake
damage, and then she looked past me and saw Wendy. Wendy, of course, was in
full fancy dress; white-and-gold costume, big feathery wings and to cap it
all, she was hovering six inches above the ground. I looked over my shoulder
at her, and I was suddenly struck by an odd fancy - all she needed was a magic
wand with a star at the end. "Oh," said the lady, "land sakes." Wow. People
really say that? I know it's an American obscenity, but I don't know what it
means. I think it roughly translates to "fuck-a-duck". Anyway, I was willing
to overlook that, and then she said "For the love of Mike." I restrained
myself from asking who Mike is, stick to the point, Herbie.

I showed her the claim she'd made. New roof. And I asked to see the damage. So
she came outside, and we walked back from the door until we could see the top
of the roof. "See, there ... and there, tiles have fallen off." "But why don't
you just get new tiles, why a whole new roof?" "The man said we should claim
for a whole roof, the new tiles won't match the old ones." "Oh, OK," I said,
"I see. Thank you very much for your help." "You're welcome," she said, "say,
is that really an angel?"

"It talks," said Wendy, "you could ask it yourself." "Well, are you?" "No, I'm
one of the People, the wings are just for dramatic effect. Come on, Herbie, on
to the next one." And she put her arms round my middle, and we rose slowly
into the sky. "Bless you, my daughter" said Wendy as we rose. I managed to
keep a straight face until we were out of her sight, because we were on the
other side of the house. Then she swooped down on the roof, and something went
"splat" as she passed it, Wendy muttered "Damn pigeons" and I broke up
laughing.

The other people we visited told much the same story. They were claiming for
everything that they could reasonably claim for, plus some that was pretty
unreasonable. Does it really matter that much if a few of your roof tiles
aren't exactly the same shade as the others? If one window is broken, do you
really need to replace all the windows in the house? By the time we'd visited
the last family, I was really teed off, although Wendy seemed to be taking it
fairly calmly.

What did seem to upset Wendy a little, was a fairly common attitude that she
wasn't human, and therefore of no consequence. "I'm not human, Herbie, but so
what? I'm one of the People, I deserve as much consideration as a human, and I
don't need to be regarded as a thing, some object like a car or a sofa."

"Or an airplane," I suggested, and she replied, "Oh, I don't mind hauling you
around, Herbie, you're quite fun, and you are doing all this for me anyway."