The Weapon - Apocalypse - part 14 By Diana the Valkyrie Thunder and lightning Wendy.self: Hey, Duncan's leaving me to handle something I know absolutely nothing about! Hmm, no, he wouldn't do that, this must be simpler than I'm thinking. OK, it's always best to get the other party to put his cards on the table, then I can see which aces I have to trump. Wendy.telecoms: "So, Mr Chancellor. What's your suggestion?" Wendy.self: He spent the next five minutes explaining something complicated to do with percentages and amortised whatnots, and discounted somethings, and depreciation on thingybobs, and I sat there trying to listen. It was like listening to a dog barking. Lots of sound, not much meaning. I waited until he'd finished. Wendy.telecoms: "No." Wendy.self: I find that works quite well sometimes. You don't give reasons or excuses, you just give them a big frown and a one-word "no". They aren't used to that, and it unsettles them. He came back with another offer, just as incomprehensible as the first, but presumably it was a better offer, otherwise why would he bother? This one took seven minutes and fourteen seconds, I timed it. And I counted 627 words altogether, although I could be wrong about that, some of the longer ones might have been two words, and some of the ones I counted as two words might have been hyphenated. Assuming the usual average of six bytes per word, inclusive of spaces, that meant that he's just sent me 3762 bytes, an average of less than nine bytes per second. But I guessed that if you calculated the amount of information in those 3762 bytes, you'd find it was nowhere near that amount, on account of a considerable amount of deviation, repetition and hesitation. Wendy.telecoms: "No." Wendy.self: Not bad; only one bit of information there, but I got it out in a tenth of a second. So then he droned on and on and on some more. After several minutes, I decided to send him a signal. Wendy.bodyemulation: Yawn. Stretch. Close eyes. Sigh. Open eyes. Wendy.self: That worked nicely. He shut up at once. And asked me what I wanted. So I explained. Wendy.telecoms: "In a perfect world, a baby who cries because she's hungry, will be fed. A baby who cries because she's sick or in pain will be looked after. And a baby who cries because she's lonely or bored will be picked up and played with. We'll never have a perfect world, but you've got a billion crying babies and no-one cares." "Well, so what?" he asked, "and anyway, there aren't a billion." "I care. And I won't be able to help a billion babies, and how many there are, depends what you count as a baby. But I can help a million. Until you came along with this tax idea, and now we lose most of those? No. No way. If it means we have to do what Duncan said, then we will. So, scumface, all you have to do is find some clever scheme that leave us to look after our babies. Got it?" "So it's all about, with great power comes great responsibility, right?" he asked. "No, it's about babies crying." Wendy.bodyemulation: Fold arms, look obstinate, like a rock that can't be moved. Frown. Wendy.telecoms: "So can't we compromise?" he asked. "Man propounds negotiations, Man accepts the compromise." I replied. "What?" he said. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." I explained, "Kipling. Rudyard Kipling understood. Try negotiating with a woman on which of her babies she'll sacrifice. Try compromising with a mother over which of her children will live. What part of "No" are you unable to understand?" "Come now," he said, "we're both rational people, we can work this out." "No," I said again. "You're not rational because you're killing the goose that lays the billion dollar eggs, and I'm not rational because you're threatening my babies. And when we increase this operation a thousandfold, you'll just want a trillion dollars instead of a billion. So ... no." "A trillion?" "I've only just started, you thought we'd go at full speed in year one?" "A trillion dollars?" "That's what Duncan said we'd need eventually. But it'll probably be a couple of years before we get to there, we need to hire lots and lots of people first." "A trillion dollars in a couple of years?" Wendy.self: His face just went pale. I wonder why? I must have said something very scary. And his heart is beating faster, he's getting excited, just like Duncan does when we make love. Maybe he's getting the hots for me? Well, if that's what it is, it can't be bad. Duncan likes it when I scare him, because he knows I don't mean it. Maybe I should do the same here? Wendy.bodyemulation: Sexy smile. Stretch, run fingers through hair. Half-close eyes, look at him through eyelashes. Stiffen nipples, look straight into his eyes. Wendy.self: I know I'm not being subtle, but some of these humans, unless you hit them with a brick, they don't notice. Even Duncan, sometimes I have to practically rape him to get him to notice me. Anyhow, it looks like he's thinking about this. Wendy.telecoms: "Do you really think you can make a trillion dollars?" he asked. Wendy.self: Oh, so it isn't about sex after all, it's this money thing again. Damn, it is just so important to them! Well, how would I know how much we can make. This isn't exactly my area of expertise. Still, Duncan was talking about that, so I guess we can. And it looks like this is important to him, but he's unsure whether to believe me. Maybe I need to do a power demonstration. Wendy.telecoms: "Duncan, I think he's beginning to come round. What would be a really impressive demonstration of power?" "Thunderbolts, love. Throw a thunderbolt for him." "Wouldn't that kill him?" "Not at him, Wendy. At something that can take it, but where he can see it, and make sure he knows that you did it." "Oh, OK." "I have more power than you think. I can generate more energy in one minute than your entire civilisation has ever made. And it's all clean, non-polluting, because I convert potential energy to whatever other form is needed, just like hydro-electric power." I could see he was sceptical. "Lean out of the window, you can see the River Thames." He leaned out and looked. "And?" he said. "Watch my thunderbolts ..." Wendy.bodyemulation: Out the window, up into the air. Wendy.self: Phew, it feels good to get out of that stuffy office and into the open air. I wonder what Duncan is doing right now? OK, ionise this cloud, charge it up with a nice big negative charge. Now down to the middle of the river, pour in a bunch of positive charge, suck out the electrons, soar out of the way .... CRAKKA-THOOM!!! Nice one. Great jagged flash of lightning, stonking big bang. OK, now again, same spot ... Wendy.telecoms: "Hello, scumface? Yes, it's me. Mobile phone? I suppose you could say that, except I don't actually need a phone to use your telephone system. Did you like that thunderbolt? Watch out, I'm going to do another one, same place." CRAKKA-THOOM!!! "You see the flash and hear the bang at the same time, because it's so close. Don't worry, it's quite safe, there's no shipping in the river right now. Not much fish, either, although I heard the river is a lot cleaner than it used to be." CRAKKA-THOOM!!! "If you look now, you'll see the river boiling. That's because I put quite a lot of energy into the thunderbolt, and it gets dissipated in the water." CRAKKA-THOOM!!! "I think I better stop now, the steam is quite thick, you'll have a good old-fashioned London Fog now. Maybe one more, hmmm? A bit bigger this time" CRAKKA-THOOOOOOOOOM!!! Wendy.bodyemulation: Back to his office, sit down, look demure. Wendy.telecoms: "Wow," he said. I smiled, sweetly. "I had no idea ..." "They call me The Weapon. You should see me when I get destructive." "That wasn't destructive?" "No, no. Nothing got broken, I just boiled your river a bit. I mean, look out when I start breaking things. I'm good at breaking things. Breaking things is what I do. I'm The Weapon" "Wow," he breathed, "I wouldn't want to get you angry." "I don't get angry. But I do get very protective when someone threatens my babies." He nodded. "Er, look. I'd like you to meet the Prime Minister and the Minister for Defence." "Possibly, but I don't particularly want to meet them. And it's getting late, time I went home, Duncan will be wondering where I am. Goodbye, scumface." Wendy.bodyemulation: Out the window, up into the air.