Mwynwen - The Camel Corps rides again
By Diana the Valkyrie
A black-haired wild animal hurtled across the room, smashed into Bunty, and tumbled her to the floor


So I slogged back home after a hard day's fluffing, and what did I find?
There's a witch sitting in my favourite chair, scoffing bread dipped in olive
oil. "Hi, Witch" I said. "Hi Fluff" she said, around a mouthful of bread.
"How's tricks?" "If you're asking how Harry is, I can tell you from first hand
knowledge that he's extremely depleted, and Sharon is probably being
disappointed right about now." "Er, I didn't mean specifically Harry. Have you
got much on right now?"

I pricked up my ears. Maybe I should rephrase that in case you get the idea
that I'm into some weird auditory perversion. "What's up, Witch?" "Not Harry,
from what you say." "Not much, Min. We finished off shooting "Fiona and the
four fuckers" today, I'm as we say "in between jobs" right now. Or to put it
another way, I don't know where my next pot of yoghurt is coming from.
Fortunately, there was lots left over from FFF, and they just paid us off, so
I'll be alright for a bit." "I got a job for you" "What's the pay?"

She explained to me about the Princess May, and the pittance that they
consider a constable can keep body and soul together with, and I looked
interested. "Greyfriars?" She nodded. "Hang on", I said, and went to my
computer and googled it. After a few minutes I looked up. "Used to be a boys
school, now it's mixed." "Mmm." "Witch, I'm not into young boys, you should be
ashamed." "Upper sixth, Fluff. They're eighteen." "Eighteen?" I said. Hmm. She
nodded. "Then they must be very juicy." She looked puzzled. "You get a kid of
eighteen into a porn vid, you don't *need* yoghurt," I explained, "you need a
bucket. So what's the deal?"

She went into the lotus position and hovered a couple of feet in front of me.
She is just *such* a showoff. "We go in as schoolgirls, Fluff. We bunk in the
same dorm as Princess May, go to lessons, social life, all that." "Boys?" "Of
course boys. What else are eighteen year old girls interested in?" "Um" I
said. "Well, there's, there's boys, clothes, boys, makeup, boys, hairdos,
boys, perfume and boys. Um. I see what you mean. But look, Min, you can pass
for eighteen, you've got the skin and figure for it. What about me?" "No
problem, Fluff. Just put on too much makeup, make like you're 18 trying to
look 25, and no-one will notice that you're 35 trying to look 25." "35, yeh,
thanks. And clothes?" "Harvey Nicks, Her Majesty will be paying." Now that
sounded more like it. I quite fancy dressing up as a schoolgirl, I know
there's a load of blokes into that. I remember when we did "Saucy Schoolgirls
Sex in Saunas." And a day's shopping at Harvey Nicks paid for by Scotland
Yard, your tax money at work, sounds like heaven. And then they'd pay me to go
back to school! Maybe I could do Sex Education A levels.

Hang on. "We're bodyguards?" "Right, Fluff" "Witch, I'm not into hurling
myself into the line of fire." "Me too, Fluff. If bullets start flying, so do
I, and I don't stop till I'm angels five." "Yeh, OK for you, what about those
of us stuck here on the ground?" So then she showed me her gadget. "I can call
in for backup with this." "What's that, it looks just like a mobile phone."
"It is a mobile phone." "Well, big deal, everyone's got one of those, what's
so special about yours?" ""Er, nothing. But I can phone 999 on it, and the
coppers come get us out of trouble." "Yeah, about three days after you call."
She looked at me. "Min, haven't you heard, there's hard times all round,
crime's up, police numbers down, they only come out if you're about to get
raped, and then only if you're willing to swear you're a virgin." "You're
exaggerating." "Yes, a bit, but when the fur starts to fly, I do not want to
rely on the local bobbies biking down to bail us out."

Mwynwen looked at me glumly. It looked like this whole scheme was about to
collapse on account of my selfish desire not to have holes in my skin. She
sighed. "OK, Fluff. I understand. I'll do it myself." "You'll WHAT?" "I'll be
OK, don't you worry about me. If the heat rises, so will I. I can be a mile
high in ten minutes, given the right incentive. And they can't follow me
there." "Min, love. You're crazy." "Duty, Fluff. Duty."

Oh god. She always did have this idiotic idea about "duty". She's the original
Pirate of Penzance, Casabianca in a skirt. The whole "with great power comes
great responsibility" shtick. "OK, so the black-hats arrive, pop off a few
bangs, you're a mile high, how, exactly, does this help Princess May?"

Mwynwen looked thoughtful. "You're right, it doesn't. Oh Fluff, what'll we
do?" I winked. "Trust your Auntie Fluff", I said. I went back to the computer.
"Look. Greyfriars. Near Borchester. In Borsetshire. Near Kent. See?" "Oh,
Fluff, you're a genius. Of course! The nuns!" It was perfect. I had a mental
picture of a squad of four burly nuns riding their bikes, wimples streaming
out behind them in the wind, riding to the rescue as Min and I held off the
black-hats. The nuns arrive, there's a couple of minutes of mayhem, black-hats
all tied up in knots, book 'em Danno, fade out to titles. We got that set up
with a phone call, they were delighted at the chance of striking a blow at the
ungodly; the ungodly are defined as anyone they feel like striking a blow at.

The next few days was shop-until-you-drop. Neither of us had a stitch to wear
that was suitable for schoolgirls, plus we had to get schoolbooks, gym slips,
tuck boxes and, of course, hockey sticks. No owl. And Min had to get food for
her tuck box, school food is "nutritious and filling" and utterly horrible,
plus it isn't vegan, so she needed bags of butter beans, tins of tofu and
toffee, and heaven knows what else. I just filled mine with Mars bars. Instant
energy and goodbye to your teeth. Toothbrush. Hair care stuff. A few fluffing
things, just in case; the sheepskin and a small tub of KY. A catapult. Well,
they don't allow guns, and I remember what it was like at my old school. Posh
frock for school dances, one-piece for swimming, flannel underwear, boxing
gloves. Boxing gloves? Isn't this taking mixed education a bit far?

We got a cab to Victoria, to get the Greyfriars Express to Borchester. Sharon
and Harry came to see us off, which was just as well, because I certainly
couldn't lift my trunk, and Min only managed hers after she hexed it. I kissed
Sharon goodbye, gave Harry a quick friendly fluff, and as the train pulled out
of the station, I saw him explaining to Sharon that he didn't think he could
actually wait till they got home, and could she see to him now please?

So there we were in the Intercity 125, clickety-click, clickety-clack, bowling
down the Iron Road formerly owned by the London and South Eastern Railway. It
was the start of the new term, so there was a whole bunch of other Greyfriars
girls in the same train. Boys too, yum yum. So there we were, sharing a
compartment, when down the corridor of the train comes a small gang of them,
looking for trouble. And finding it. They barged into our compartment. "These
seats taken?" "Er, no." They sat down; one of them sat a lot closer to the
Witch than was really necessary. She edged sideways to get a bit more room. He
edged after her. She edged sideways again. He started to slide towards her
again, but met a sharp elbow in his side. "Ow" "Oh, sorry," said Min sweetly,
"did I accidentally jab my elbow into your side?" "Yow" he said, rubbing it.
Meanwhile, two of them sat on either side of me. "What's your name, darling?"
"Linda, Linda Daventry." "I'm William" said the one on the left. "And I'm
Benjamin" said the other one. "Weed", I said. "What?" "Never mind. Are you
guys in the sixth form?" They nodded. "So are we, it's our first term at
Greyfriars." "What A-levels are you doing?" "Physics and maths" said Mwynwen.
They looked impressed. "Sex Education" I said. They looked mind-blown.
"Joking" I said. They looked relieved. "Actually, I'm doing Economics and
Business Studies. Sex Education is just an extra." Billy looked embarrassed,
Ben went bright red; I'd forgotten how careful you have to be with eighteen
year-olds. "Joke" I said. Again. "Oh." "So what are you doing, Billy?" "Food
Science." "Ben?" "English and English Lit." "Feh, soft options" said Mwynwen.
Then I asked the guy still recovering from Mwynwen's elbow "And what you you
doing, sweetie?" He coughed. "Er. Computer Science. And Sex Education." "Wow!"
"Joking" he added.

As we travelled towards Greyfriars, we got the lowdown on the various masters
and mistresses who would be trying to cram a rudimentary education into our
thick skulls. "Locke is our form master. And he's also the head, so he's
pretty strict. Quelch is a pussy cat, he's sidelined on the Remove." "Who's
maths?" asked Mwynwen. "Lascalles, not a bad old stick. And Horace Hacker does
the IT stuff." "Mrs Kebble does Food Science" added Billy. "How many are there
in the sixth form, and who are they?" asked Mwynwen. I listened carefully,
there were only a dozen. "And Princess May, she's a sweetheart." "A real
princess, or you just call her that?" "No, she really is, some country in Asia
someplace. Pater's the King, see." "And who's the skipper of the sixth?" The
boys looked at each other, and then down at the floor. "Cherry Robert" said
Billy, and the other two looked glum.

We arrived at Borchester Railway station, and the School Bus was waiting for
us. Min lifted her trunk off the luggage rack, lowered it to the floor, then
sweetly asked if two of the boys would carry it to the bus for her. They
couldn't budge it an inch, of course. "Show-off" I hissed as I pushed past her
dragging my own box. Obviously she'd made it heavy once she'd gotten it down,
in order to humiliate Billy and Ben. The bus got us to the school, and the
boys helped me get my box up the stairs to the girls Sixth form dorm. I looked
round; there were already two girls there, chatting. "Are you the new fish?"
asked the fat one. "Yeh," I replied, and dragged my box to one of the beds.
"Hi, I'm Bunty, and you're my fag."

Fag? No way was I going to be her servant. Anyway, I thought fagging went out
donkey's years ago. I gave her two fingers. She walked over to me and slapped
my face, hard. I went down, sprawled across the bed. I looked up just in time
to see a black-haired wild animal hurtling across the room, smash into Bunty,
and tumble her to the floor.