The Way of the Warrior - romance and sex

Warriors have sex too, you know. Life isn't all fighting and feasting, questing and killing. Sometimes it's nice to just relax with a man and fuck his brains out. So this part of the series covers sex.

Any sane culture educates it's young in these matters *before* it becomes an issue. This means that the parents and/or schools teach kids about sex before they are ready to start trying it out for themselves. But some insane cultures seem to believe that the whole issue should be left to chance, and even the word "sex" makes people shudder. Obviously a society like that has a problem, but if they choose to live that way, that's their choice.

Advice to young Valkyries

This article is aimed at helping young warriors who live in one of the societies where discussion of sexual matters is taboo.

By the way, you can't discuss the matter of sex without a word that means "man and woman doing it together". There are zillions of words for this; sexual intercourse, bonking, sexual intimacy, screwing, coitus, balling and so on. Valkyries like to use straight forward simple words, so I call it "fucking". If you find that word obnoxious, vulgar or offensive, then download this file, and do a search and replace in your word processor, replacing "fuck" with "****". I find that this soothes some people, goodness knows why. While you're at it, replace "sex" with "***", "penis" with "*****" and likewise with any other words that are taboo in your culture. I hope it still makes sense after you've done that.

For good sex, you need at least one person. My preferred number is two, one of each gender. If your preferences differ, this article is of limited value to you. Get advice elsewhere. One of each gender doesn't rule out serial sex, of course, where the warrior has sex with one man until he's all used up, then goes on to the next. I wouldn't advise more than two, though, for reasons that will become clearer below.

Precautions

If you want to have a baby, fine. But if you don't, then you should understand that sex is what makes babies start. This isn't obvious, of course, and you might not have realised it. But insert rod A into slot B is what triggers the whole baby process.

If you don't want to have a baby, you don't have to. Visit your doctor or medicine woman, explain the situation, and she'll give you pills or a device or a Method to follow. The Method is less reliable than the technological fixes. Condoms are good, but sometimes in the heat of the moment you forget, or you only bought a dozen. I always keep a few taped to the bottom of my scabbard, and extra in my saddlebags. The most reliable contraceptive, of course, is the humble aspirin. You don't swallow it, though, you grip it tightly between your knees.

You might be concerned about gonorrhea, syphilis and Aids. Your best bet against these is to make sure he's got a condom on. But you might take the additional anti-baby precautions anyway.

If, in spite of your precautions, something does seem to have gone wrong, go straight to your doctor or medicine woman, she'll know what to do.

Strength and confidence

Don't worry about being stronger than he is; no matter what they claim, men go nuts over strong women. They adore the feeling of helplessness we give them, the loss of initiative, the imperative to yield. They love our powerful muscles, our hard bodies, our strong hands. Most men just turn to mush when they discover that instead of a weak woman, they're facing a warrior.

So you should use that. Make sure he knows as soon as possible that you're not an ordinary soft female, but a hard, tough warrior. Even if you have to hurt him a little, make sure he knows who's in charge (I prefer to be gentle with them, and use no more strength than is absolutely necessary). Cracking a few walnuts with your hands works well, and when you do the same with your hard thighs, just watch his face.

Confidence is important, too. A warrior has total confidence in herself and her abilities, and you should let it show. Don't worry about his reaction, he'll quickly understand, and will knuckle under.

Armwrestling is a nice gentle way to show him that he isn't as strong as he thought he was. You can put his arm down without hurting him very much (except his pride, of course). Thanks to Madamuscle for this newpaper clipping.

Sex and love

There's two kinds of sex, sex with and sex without love. Sex without love is fine, but the other kind is ten times better. Sex reinforces love, love reinforces sex. Be careful if you intend to have sex without love, men have a horrible habit of falling in love with a warrior just because she fucked him a few times. And the same thing can happen the other way round, don't think you're immune to cupid's arrows just because you're wearing leather armour.

Flirting

Some men don't need very much encouragement, they're anybody's. You probably won't be interested in a bicycle like that (everyone rides a bicycle). The more interesting sort of man needs a bit of a come-on to get him interested. Subtle come-ons start with a glance under your eyelashes, a small smile, wrinkling your nose, licking your lips, tossing your hair, wiggling your shoulders. Less subtle is a big smile, winking, brushing yourself against him as you go past, letting your hair splash across his face, spilling your drink on him, dropping crumbs on his lap and brushing them off. It's considered impolite these days to throw a man to the ground and start humping him. On the other hand, it works quite well.

If the flirting catches his attention, you can proceed (if it doesn't, then he's either gay or some warrior already has him). The stages are: hand-holding, light petting (anything except genitals), heavy petting, petting to orgasm and fucking. I'd honestly advise you to go slowly through each of those stages, because it's more fun to traverse them slowly. He, of course will want to go straight to fucking. Men can't help it, they're made that way. It's up to you to make him slow down, using force if necessary. Use as little force as possible, if you hurt them they get all sulky for *ages*.

You might have to teach him quite a lot. It's amazing how many men have never been taught how to please a warrior. You'll have to explain to him about breasts and nipples and how to treat them, and what to do, how and when. Men usually underestimate how much pleasure they can give with just their hands and fingers, and want to either slobber you with their tongue (all right sometimes, of course). And they're always anxious to cut to the chase, get to the insert rod A in slot B part, as if they had a train to catch. You should be firm (but gentle) and make them do it *your* way. They'll thank you for it later.

Penis size

For reasons that completely escape me, men all think that's *crucial*, and often boast online about how big they are. There is no way to calculate the truth from the boast, so don't even try. They boast about length (10 inches seems to be a standard boast) and thickness (two inches seems frequent). The biggest boast I've heard, was fifteen inches long, by thirteen thick; about the size of a fire hydrant. The technical term for this imaginary penis is "phallocarp".

If they give the thickness (diameter) I often ask for circumference, and then find the contradiction between the two (circumference *must* be 3.14 times diameter) and then the two of you can have a cosy discussion trying to resolve that issue. I find that this sometimes leads into a discussion of the relative merits of castration versus emasculation.

The truth, of course, that they *never* will believe, is that provided they are more than about three inches, that's all you need. I mean, you can get an entire *baby* in there, it's pretty elastic and flexible. What counts far more, is how they use that, and their hands, and mouth.

Just like they think penis size is important, they also think that bust size is crucial. Well, obviously you want to be adequate in this area, you want to be able to flaunt them, but don't worry if the competition is bigger. Make of for it by using what you have more actively.

Kissing

It's absolutely crucial that you let him breathe while you're kissing him. Don't cover his mouth and nose completely, and don't squeeze him too hard in the embrace. If he does run short of air, he'll try to tell you by struggling and wriggling, but don't rely on this, because it can feel very like he's just in the throes of passion. One excellent indicator is if his erection goes down while you're kissing him, that really shouldn't happen, and either it means he's in distress, or else he's a quickshot (bad news).

Virgins

There are still a few around, and just because he's a virgin, doesn't mean there's necessarily anything wrong with him. He might just be very shy.

You just have to be very, very gentle and careful with him, and assume that he hasn't a clue what to do, so you'll have to show him.

The biggest problem with virgins is they tend to fall in love with the first warrior that deflowers them, and they get very clingy, which can be an embarrassment.

Female Orgasms

Don't fake them. You're only cheating yourself. You should always let him know where you are, even grunts and moans are better than silence; he'll find the feedback very useful. If you come, let him know afterwards, and tell him how it felt for you. If you didn't come, tell him so, and what he should have done differently. But never, ever, lie about it.

Ultimately, it's *his* job to give you the best orgasm he can. If he isn't any good, and isn't willing to learn, then cut your losses and move on. Don't ever get tied up with a man who can't consistently give you first class orgasms.

Male orgasms

Some people say you should only let a man have an orgasm when he's really deserved it, but I differ. I think you should give a man at least three orgasms per day (first thing in the morning, early evening, and late at night), even if you have to do all the work. And on weekends, you can jump him several times. Ignore anything he says about being too tired, they never are really. You might have to grip him firmly with your legs, and don't worry about the screams, it means he's having a really good time.

Men always want to come as quickly as possible. Don't take any notice of that, a good warrior will make him take as long as possible, postponing his orgasm as long as you possibly can. Don't allow the quickie; use as much force as you need to in order to prevent it from spurting. Some warriors say that pain is a good way to do this, but I think you should always be gentle with them. Whichever way you go, he'll thank you afterwards. If he's still conscious. And if you've done it really well, he won't be.

The morning after

Do try to remember his name. If you keep calling him "sweetie", there's a good chance he'll realise you've forgotten. I like to write it down somewhere, so that next morning I can refresh my memory. I also write down the pet name I made for him, Harrikins, or Sweet-Jim, or whatever.

Make sure he knows where the breakfast things are before you start getting ready for he day, so he can be making you breakfast while you shower and dress. And make sure that he clearly understands that although you're not throwing him out, he's to be gone by the time you get back (unless you've decided to keep him for a while). If he looks like he's thinking of arguing, just raise a leg and scratch the inside of your thigh, and smile at him.

Diana the Valkyrie