Diana's Recipes By Diana the Valkyrie How to bend steel bars, break nails, lift cars, cook chicken, seduce men (C) Diana the Valkyrie, 1996. Email me at valkyrie@thevalkyrie.com How to break six inch nails. How to bend a horseshoe Diana's Very Garlic Chicken How to bend a steel bar How to lift three men at once How to cook Chicken Diana How to lift a car Diana's Chicken with potato stuffing and vegetables How to make a man feel helpless in your arms Why some people are naturally stronger than others How to break six inch nails. Six inch nails, well, Gran taught me how to do that. There's a trick to it. First, you wrap them in paper, which is flexible, so it doesn't make them harder to bend, but it protects your skin from the sharp ends; you use several turns of paper, and make it really thick. Second, when you straighten them, don't even try to use your thumb and fingers, because it's much harder than bending them. You take one end of the nail in each hand, and push the bent middle down on your thigh (you have to tense your leg to get the thigh muscle hard enough). There's this specially hard bit running down the top of your thigh, you use that. That straightens it, not completely, but enough so that you can bend it again between your two hands. And you keep doing that, bend and straighten, bend and straighten, as fast as you can. You do it fast, so that the middle of the nail heats up from the bending. The wrapping of paper helps here as well, acting as insulation so it heats up faster, and as it gets hotter, it gets easier, so you start bending and straightening it just with your hands, and now the paper protects your hands from the heat (they get quite hot!) until suddenly the nail breaks, and then you make sure it cools down before you give it to anyone. Most people don't realise just how important the paper is. When you pass the nails round the audience, you don't give them the paper. Some men can put a bit of a dent in the nail, but that won't matter, because they can never work out how to break them. How to bend a horseshoe Not many people come in contact with horses these days, so this isn't as impressive as it used to be. Also, modern horseshoes are a lot lighter than they used to be, because roads are so much better. Still, it's a good way to impress people, and you can get a horseshoe into your handbag, and still have room for some six inch nails. There are two main problems, I'll deal with them one at a time. The first problem is the same as for nails; the iron can tear your skin. Of course if you've toughened up your hands, that isn't a big problem. Some girls like to keep their hands soft, because they think men prefer them that way. I can tell you that isn't usually true, men like strong hard women, in my experience, with strong hard hands much more than soft weak ones. And even if they think they prefer soft hands, you can soon persuade them that hard hands, if used gently, are even better. So if your skin is soft, wrap the horseshoe up in cloth, or newspaper. To harden the skin on your hands, try not to let them stay wet when they get wet, don't rub oil into them, and do your hand exercises every day. There are two ways to bend a horseshoe, and the mistake I used to make was to do it the easy way. The easy way is, you take one end in each hand, and twist, making the horseshoe into an S shape. That way, you only have to overcome the resistance of the metal against being twisted, and you have the leverage of the ends working in your favour. But there's a very big disadvantage to doing it that way. Try this - stand in front of a mirror, and hold one end in each hand. Now try to pull the ends apart. You don't have to try very hard, because what I want you to look at is the effect of that effort on your breasts. If you're in the Strong Woman game, your breasts will be rather larger and firmer than most women in the first place. With the force you're putting onto the horseshoe, you'll see that your breasts are lifted, separated and stand out more. That's the effect you'll lose if you do it the easy way. I usually do one the easy way first, and explain to the audience that this is the easy way, and I'll do the more impressive way in a minute. So, grip the horseshoe in each hand, elbows out, and stand up straight and tall. Pull your hands apart, while bracing your shoulders back. Don't worry about your hands obscuring the view, the audience will be able to see you behind the horseshoe. You don't have to pull until you've straightened it, just widening the U is sufficient, as long as you widen it noticeably. The main effect on the audience should be the trouser-wetting effect that your breasts have, together with the realization by the men there that they couldn't even do it the easy way.. Diana's Very Garlic Chicken (Serves two hungry people) 1 chicken, cut up. I use a package of chicken breasts and one of thighs. 1/2 C. white wine 3 or 4 large heads of garlic (Yes, I mean heads, not cloves.) Butter or olive oil Fresh thyme Salt and pepper to taste Rub chicken with olive oil or butter and salt and pepper to taste. Brown chicken in a 400F oven for 20 minutes. While the chicken is cooking, separate the heads of garlic into cloves. Don't bother trimming or peeling them. After cooking they will easily squeeze out of the paper. After chicken is browned, add garlic, white wine and thyme. Cover the chicken with foil - make sure to seal it tightly. I use a clay pot (Romertopf) for this portion, but as long as you have a good seal, the chicken will come out moist and tender. Bake chicken at 250F for two hours. The chicken will be very moist and juicy and the garlic taste is much mellower than you'd expect. The garlic gets roasted and you can squeeze it out onto toasted french bread. How to bend a steel bar I asked her about bending steel bars, and she told me how it's done. I hope I'm not going to destroy too many illusions here, there's a technique, like in breaking six inch nails, or lifting a car. You start off with a steel bar, 4 centimeters wide and 0.75 cm thick, about a meter long, the longer the better, that gives you leverage. Actually you start off with several. Then you anneal them. To do that, you wrap the middle up in an asbestos blanket, then use a blowlamp to heat it up until it glows orange. Then you let it cool. The asbestos blanket makes sure that it cools very slowly, and this leaves you with the metal somewhat softened. The important thing is to use a bar thick enough, so that even when it's softened, the men in the audience can't bend it when you pass it round. I asked her, why bother annealing the bar, why not just use a thinner bar in the first place. "Thicker looks much more impressive" was what she said. I keep forgetting, Gran was really in show business, she was there to entertain. She used to keep up a patter about how really to do this kind of thing you needed two men, or one real woman, and she'd talk about how difficult it was getting to find decent steel bars these days, and she'd tell jokes about men offering to help her carry her luggage, and finding that a suitcase full of steel bars was more than they were expecting, and how she'd have to help them. And does anyone want to buy a lorry load of bent steel bars? Actually, it's really hard for the audience to get any kind of bend, because they don't have much space in which to work. Then, you bend one, to show them how it's done, and that's a bit misleading. There are two stages, getting it started, and bending it double. To get it started, you put the middle down on your thigh, and push down on the ends. Push right at the end, that way you get maximum leverage. And don't try to bend, just push. You do that quickly, so that people don't register what you're doing. Another way to get it started, is to put it between your thighs with the end sticking out behind you, and then you sort of wrap it round towards the front. After that, all you're doing is pushing the ends together. You don't actually have to brace the middle against anything, but it looks impressive if you put it over your neck, and tremendously impressive if you hold it in your teeth. The mouth bit is what everyone remembers, and you hold your head back so that the cords on your neck stand out, and it looks like you really are using your mouth and neck. But actually, you have a palm against each end of the bar, and you're pushing inwards. Anyhow, you make a really big production out of this part, you make it happen slowly, so it looks really really difficult. Then you hand a few of the bars round the audience. You've got to be really unlucky to find a man who can even put a dent in one. Most of them are completely fooled by the teeth stuff, and of course they can't do a thing from that position. You try it; the pain will stop you long before you break your teeth. Then, when the bars come back, you quickly give each one the thigh treatment, then into the mouth and finish it off. Gran says that the steel bars were the most impressive thing she used to do. The trouble with six inch nails is that no-one can actually see what you're doing, and the trouble with the car thing is that it needs a car on stage, and you can't often arrange that. Oh, and the telephone directories, of course, that looks good. How to lift three men at once This is another thing Gran used to do. Lifting one man is easy, even an ordinary girl can do that. Lifting two men is difficult, but when you get up to three, the audience is really impressed. First of all, you don't tell them what's about to happen. A lot of them will already know, having seen it before, but that will actually make it even better for them, as it's a shared secret. You call for volunteers from the audience. Pick a big fellow for the first one, but the other two should be as light as you can choose; there's no point in making things difficult for yourself. But pick men taller than you are, it looks good if you have to look up to them. Don't wear heels for this one, of course. Chat with the men a bit, and be sure to ask height and weight. Height doesn't matter to you, but it sounds good if they're all six-footers, people associate weight with height. Be sure to mention that you're only five foot six, or whatever you are. Then talk to them about their weight. Talk to the lighter guys first, they'll be around 180 pounds or so. If you're lighter than they are, be sure to mention the fact. By the way, don't ever lie about your height or weight, a lie can come back and haunt you. Talk to the biggest guy last. Ideally, he'll be 250 pounds or even more. Tell him he's overweight, and get him to admit it. Tell him you're heavier than a girl your height is supposed to be, but explain that's different, it isn't fat. Ask him if he's ever been picked up by a girl - lots of opportunities for plays on words here. Tell him you prefer big heavy men, and run your hands over his body. Get him to take his jacket off, you want the audience to see how big he is. When you've got everybody nicely keyed up, tell the big guy to stand facing the audience, legs apart. Then go up to one of the smaller guys, stand sideways on to him, put your arm round his waist, and lever your hip against his groin. Then tell him to lift his legs while you hold him tight, and put them round your waist, gripping as hard as he can. Don't worry about his legs hurting you, men don't have as much power in their thighs as women. Hold on to him, then move over to the other smaller guy. Do exactly the same. Because you're supporting them with your hips, you'll hardly notice them hanging from you. Now you've got two of them, they can hold on to each other, leaving your hands free. Now comes the impressive part. Come up behind the big man, and explain to him and your two smaller guys, that they'll hold his hands to balance him. Then squat down, put your head between his legs, and straighten up. You're using your strongest muscles for this, of course - your thighs, So now he's sitting on your shoulders, held in place by the other two guys. Because you don't need your hands, you can hold them up and out, triumphantly, and you'll get a big round of applause. The next part is optional, and depends on how you feel about what you're currently carrying. But if you're feeling hot, proceed as follows. Wait for the audience to calm down. Then call for another volunteer. You'll get a stunned silence. There you are, holding three big men up in the air, including one very big heavy chap, and you're asking for more! Pick someone smallish, and tell him to come close up towards you. Get him really close, as close as a lover would be. Then loop your hands round his bottom, take a deep breath, let it out, and lift him up. Your arms are now tied up, so the cue for the audience to applaud will have to be a drum roll and clash of cymbals. Then they should go wild. To unwind, drop the guy in front of you, squat down so the big guy can get off, back away from him, then let the other two men off your hips. By the way, check the front of their trousers; I can pretty much guarantee you'll see at least one wet patch. Don't point it out to the audience, it embarrasses them. How to cook Chicken Diana (Serves two hungry people) * 1 tbl butter * 1 tbl olive oil * 3-1/2 lb Chicken -- Cut up for frying * 6 oz AP shallots -- peeled and diced * 10 oz mushrooms -- sliced * 2 tbl flour * 1 ounce Brandy * 10 ounces Chardonnay * 1 tbls Sun-dried tomato Pesto * 1/4 cup tomato sauce * 1 pint Stock Chicken Brown * 1 tbl parsley -- chopped * salt and pepper -- to taste * lemon juice fresh -- to taste 1. Cut the bird into 12 pieces, leg, thigh and breast in two, wing. Using a heavy pot with a lid, start it skin side down in the butter and oil over a medium flame, and let it take good color. Turn it over and brown both sides. Remove the chicken to a dish. 2. Add the diced shallots and mushrooms. Let the shallots get soft and lightly browned. Take your time. Add 2 tbs of flour and let it brown. The taste of the browned flour is a basic part of this dish. Another way is to lightly flour the bird before frying. Pour off all excess fat at this point. Add Sun Dried Tomato Pesto (a new wrinkle) and cook a few moments more. Add tomato sauce and cook 5 minutes, to cook off any sourness. 3. Add the Brandy, Wine, and Brown Chicken Stock. Let this come to a boil, and simmer 5 min, with stirring. 4. Add the previously browned Chicken and any juices it may have left with it, and simmer in the sauce till tender. This may take less than an hour with today's tender chickens, but will take longer with wild game, such as Pheasant. If the sauce weeps some grease, as chicken will do, skim what you can and bind the rest with some cornstarch dissolved in white wine. The reason we added a little flour to brown is so if you do this step, the sauce won't look clear, as though you had taken a shortcut and only used cornstarch. 5. Season with salt and pepper, add some freshly chopped parsley. If the sauce tastes a bit oily, try adding some fresh lemon juice or a dash of Balsamic Vinegar. How to lift a car Lifting a car is easier than it looks. Most people have a mental picture of a car as being extremely heavy. Well, of course, some cars are heavier than others, so you start off by choosing a relatively light one, less than 3/4 ton. That's 1680 pounds. Even better would be a car weighing half a ton, 1120 pounds. Make sure the engine is in the front. Don't have any petrol in the tank, anyway it looks impressive if you pull the car onto the stage by a big thick rope. Pull it on back end first. If there's no slope to the stage, that's very easy. Make sure you put the handbrake on before you start lifting. Obviously you can't just get hold of the car and lift, because on most cars, there's nothing to get hold of. So you build a lifting frame, which you bolt on to the rear of the car. This has a bar at the back, about an inch around, which gives you something to grip hold of. When you lift a car, you're actually lifting one end. So, although the car really does weigh 1680 pounds, you would only be lifting half of that. But it's even better. You're lifting the rear, and the engine is at the front, so you're not actually lifting the heaviest part.. You've emptied the petrol tank, which would be in the back. Once the car is on stage, clip on the lifting frame. Obviously, it has to project beyond the back of the car - make it so that it projects about a meter. The reason won't be obvious to the audience, it'll just look like a convenience for getting hold of the car. The reason for the projection, is that it gives you even more leverage. Before you do this in front of a crowd, you should check what you've done. Use a weighing beam, attached at the end of the lifting frame, to see what weight you *really* have to lift; it should be less than 600 pounds. Add 50 pounds to what you've found (say, 650). Then the important question is, can you deadlift 650 pounds? If you can't, stop now before you hurt yourself, and find a lighter car. But if 650 is inside your envelope, then you're all set. The world record for a deadlift is 409 kilos, 902 pounds, so 650 isn't that much. Lift it slowly, and make it look difficult. When you get your back and knees straight, turn and smile sexily at the audience, they always appreciate that. Then turn back, and just drop the car, so it bounces on it's springs. Get a stagehand to start the car up and drive it off; that way, the audience know it's a real car. Diana's Chicken with potato stuffing and vegetables Serves two people, plus there's enough for breakfast the next day. For mashed-potato stuffing 3 pounds russet (baking) potatoes (about 6 large) 1 garlic head, separated into cloves and peeled (about 14 cloves) 1 bay leaf 1/2 cup milk 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened 1 tablespoon fresh thyme leaves a 5-pound whole chicken, giblets reserved for another use 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened 12 shallots, peeled 2 garlic heads, outer skins discarded and heads intact 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 6 thin carrots (about 1 pound), peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces 2 small turnips (about 1 pound), peeled and each cut into 8 wedges 6 thin parsnips (about 1 pound), peeled and cut into 2-inch pieces 1 small celery root (about 3/4 pound), peeled and cut into 8 wedges 8 fresh thyme sprigs chopped fresh parsley leaves for garnish Make mashed-potato stuffing: Peel potatoes and cut into 1/2-inch pieces. In a saucepan of boiling salted water boil potatoes with garlic and bay leaf until tender, about 15 minutes. Drain potato mixture, return it to pan, and cook over high heat, shaking pan, until any excess liquid is evaporated, about 30 seconds. Remove pan from heat and discard bay leaf. Add milk, butter, and thyme. Mash potatoes and garlic with a potato masher until smooth and stir in salt and pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 450 F. Rinse chicken inside and out and pat dry completely. Fill cavity loosely with some of stuffing and reserve remaining stuffing in a small baking dish. Truss chicken and rub all over with butter. Season chicken with salt and pepper and arrange, breast side down, on a rack set in a large shallow roasting pan. In a small bowl toss shallots and garlic with oil and add to roasting pan. Roast chicken in lower third of oven for 30 minutes. Turn chicken breast side up and baste with pan juices. Arrange vegetables and thyme sprigs in pan and season with salt and pepper. Roast chicken and vegetables, stirring and basting frequently, 1 hour, or until a meat thermometer inserted in fleshy part of thigh registers 180 F. During last 30 minutes of roasting bake reserved stuffing, covered with foil. Let chicken stand 10 minutes before carving. Discard thyme sprigs. Serve chicken, stuffing, and vegetables sprinkled with parsley. How to make a man feel helpless in your arms You can make a man feel completely helpless, and it's very easy to do. Also, it's well worth doing, because of the reaction that you get to it. Most men will cooperate with this, at least the first time you do it. The second time, you can demand their co-operation, and you'll get it, too. Stand up together, facing each other. Men are usually taller than women, but that's an advantage. get him to lift his arms out of the way, and put your arms round his waist; ideally, a man's waist is 34 inches or less. Bend slightly, and hold him as low down as you can comfortably reach; put your arms round him, with your hands at the back.. Don't lock your hands together - that's the mistake that most people make. Put your right wrist in the crook of your left elbow (or the other way round if you prefer). Then when you move your left forearm towards you, you get an immense amount of leverage on your right arm. It's using much the same principle as a nut cracker. Take a deep breath, and expand your chest; you'll be needing the air. You should be able to last for at least two minutes without needing to breathe. He can too, in theory, but as you'll see, he won't be able to. Tighten your right arm as hard as you can. Then, lock it in place by moving your left arm towards you. Now you have him held tight, bend your waist backwards. This will have two effects. It brings his groin in close contact with yours, which with any luck will start an erection going (a man with an erection is at a big disadvantage). More importantly, it will lift him slightly off his feet, but without any real effort on your part. Men feel *very* helpless when they are lifted up by a woman, and even a few inches seems to have this effect. Now wait a bit. You're not hurting him, but he's feeling aroused, a bit excited from the lift, and he's beginning to get scared, because he didn't think you could do this. When people get scared, they breathe faster, it's a natural reaction. So, very soon, he'll breathe out. That's what you're waiting for. As soon as he breathes out, pull your forearm in, leveraging the grip tighter. The more he breathes out, the more you should tighten your grip. You're still holding your breath, though, because you knew this would happen, and you don't need to breathe yet. And now, when he tries to breathe in, he's doing it against your arms. Each time he gives you some slack, take it up, and maintain the pressure all the time. After a while, he'll realise what you're doing, and he'll start to struggle. At that point, you have two choices. You can let go of him, put him down on his feet and release your grip round his body. You should then be *very* solicitous, ask him if you hurt him, tell him you didn't mean to, promise him that you won't do it again. His reaction will be interesting, and will tell you a lot about your future relationship. The other choice you have, of course, is to keep your arms round him, and carry on crushing his body. You'll only need to hang on for a few seconds, because since he can't breathe, he'll start weakening immediately, and you'll very soon feel his struggles getting less and less. Keep holding on, you're nearly there now. Lots of them start saying something now, but they can't say very much, because they don't have any air to talk with. What they're saying, though, is "please let me go" or words to that effect. You should be sure to ask him afterwards what he was trying to say, to remind him of the feeling of complete helplessness he had at that point. Pretty soon, he'll go limp in your arms, and his head will fall onto your shoulder. You should definitely let go of him at this point, because if you hold him for much longer, he'll start turning blue, and eventually you could kill him, or at least damage his brain from the oxygen starvation. Try to let him down gently; if you just let go, he'll crumple to the floor, and could bang his head on something. If you're in the bedroom when you do this, let him fall on the bed. Loosen his collar and tie, to help him breathe better. And now is a good time to change into something silky and sexy, while you're waiting for him to come round. Because obviously you're going to follow this with some very strenuous and exciting sexual activities, and you can expect him to exert every effort to pleasure you; you probably won't even need to tell him what to do, except with the usual animal noises. If you go this route, you've actually defined your future relationship with him, so don't do it unless you want to be the dominant one in a dom/sub relationship. Explain to him that a woman's legs are usually two or three times as strong as her arms, and that was why you didn't use your legs on him. Promise him that as long as he is a good, obedient chap, you won't use your legs on him, but you'll occasionally remind him what you can do with just your arms. And if he looks at all hesitant, just spread your legs and ask him whether he'd like to get between them for sex or for punishment? Why some people are naturally stronger than others You can imagine, I'm quite interested in this, so I did some research, and here's what I found out. 1. The strength of a muscle is proportional to its cross-sectional area. That means if your biceps are 10% bigger, you are 21% stronger. Seventeen inches is twice as strong as twelve. 2. Some people have harder muscles than others - this is because they have a lower percentage of fat in them. Fat adds nothing to the pulling power of a muscle, of course, so for the same size muscles, the harder ones are stronger. 3. The muscle is attached to the bone by a kind of cable called a tendon. If this is attached near the joint, you get less leverage than if this is attached further from the joint. So, when your tendons are attached to the bone further away from the joint, you are stronger. 4. Bones come in different sizes, too. Some people have larger, heavier bones than other people. Bigger bones need stronger muscles, and carrying that weight around develops the muscles. 5. Muscles get stronger if you use them. I expect everyone already knew that, but using them doesn't just mean weight lifting - anything that gives them a lot of resistance will do. Like bending six inch nails. 6. Sometimes, you can develop some of your muscles to a greater extent than others. Women tend to concentrate on their legs, men on their upper bodies. I do a lot with my hands, I like the feeling that strong hands gives me. Squeezing rubber balls is good, you can carry one in your handbag, and take it out for a squeeze any time, and people don't even ask why you're doing it. Diana the Valkyrie Email me at valkyrie@thevalkyrie.com Or via alt.amazon-women.admirers