The Hunt for the Moon Orchid: Prologue
by T. Prince, tk_prince@hotmail.se
Adventurers compete to find an ultra-rare orchid in a perilous jungle.


One morning, heads all over the world were suddenly turned by the following
headline spelled out in supersized capital letters on the cover of the
normally trivial-minded international trash rag Gossip Daily:

"MYSTERIOUS 'MAGIC ORCHID' DISCOVERED IN REMOTE RAIN FOREST"

The article went on as follows:

"Who says that age of adventure is over? A rogue botanist has discovered a new
species of orchid near the edge of a rain forest located on the isolated
island of Kaabri in the South Pacific, and the scientific community has gone
bananas over it. Why, you're probably asking, has this seemingly
sleep-inducing piece of news attracted the notice of an august publication
whose interests have always been of the more outrageous variety? Because,
reader, this orchid has properties that can change the world as we know it.
Properties that can only be described as... magical.

The orchid, which its discoverer has fancifully baptized the "moon orchid"
after its ghostly silver-blue color, is said to contain properties that can
activate the ESP-center of the human brain. What the fudge, we hear you
screaming over your breakfast coffee, ESP is a real thing? Well, we respond,
depends on who you ask. Officially the answer is no, but according to a
classified research report that someone dumped off at our office, not only is
ESP as real as your fingernails, but the egg-heads have known about it since
1967!

We won't bore you with how we acquired this information, but suffice to say
the egg-heads are none too happy to see this secret leaked to the public.
Gossip Daily, however, is performing its journalistic duty by getting it out
as it happens, expecting only your hard-earned dollars and perhaps a Pulitzer
in return for the trouble. Remember, folks, you heard it here first -- and
this time, what we're saying is actually true!"

At first, the piece was greeted with the usual bemused incredulity. But soon,
incredibly, other newspapers began picking up the trail, and soon the name of
this "moon orchid" was on everybody's lips. Could it be true? Had the
government found a way to augment the brain with extra-sensory perception? By
the next day, the following article appeared to the almost unbearable
excitement of the public:

"MOON ORCHID DESTROYED IN CARELESS EXPERIMENT! THE HUNT FOR A NEW SPECIMEN
BEGINS!"

"Attention, botany-nerds and everyone else! It seems like the only known
specimen of the so-called moon orchid was destroyed by a clumsy researcher,
and now the science community is offering massive rewards to anyone who can
bring them a new sample. But the geeks are not the only one interested -- more
than a dozen corporations and national governments have offered competing
monetary rewards, making this tiny, seemingly insignificant flower the single
most valuable organism in the known universe!

But before you pack your bag and get on a plane to Kaabri, let us give you the
scoop on this little baby's natural habitat. The Kaabrian rain forest is a
hair- raisingly dangerous place, crawling with man-eating plants, thirty-foot
snakes, giant spiders and who knows what else. Still, this has done nothing to
deter adventurers from all over the world, who are currently flocking to the
little island through any means possible.

You couldn't ask for a more rip-roaring adventure for your favorite mag to
cover, and of course, Gossip Daily is here to bring you the latest about who's
in, who's out, and who's... either the former or the latter, we can't tell you
yet.

CONFIRMED TO BE 'ON THE HUNT':

* Dr. Tang Su, Beida University. Not much is known about this cute-as-a-button
oriental geekette, other than that she represents one of the most respected
botany departments in the world. Also, after studying the specimen herself,
she's apparently planning to donate it to a medical department that
specializes in curing brain diseases. Heart of gold!

-Winning chances? She's got the smarts, but living in the jungle also takes
brawns. We're gonna go with a solid B.

[underneath, we see a picture of an attractive young-ish Chinese woman in a
lab coat and spectacles, posing against a huge, expensive-looking microscope.
Despite her kind face and small stature, her alert, intelligent eyes indicate
that this is a woman not to be underestimated.]

* Dr. Bridget Grayson, Princeton University. What, you say, another botanist?
On an orchid hunt? What are the odds!

-Winning chances? Word on the street is that Dr. Grayson has a cutthroat
personality, and is staking her whole career on this expedition. That extra
degree of determination gives her the edge over Dr. Tang, so we're putting her
down for a B+.

[underneath, a picture of a beaming blonde in horn-rimmed glasses, holding up
a newly-won award. Dr. Grayson is wearing a tight-fitting black evening gown
that showcases her ample curves, with a plunging neckline that gives the
viewer a generous view of her cleavage. Although highly attractive, the
woman's contemptuously curved upper lip and sinister gleam in her eyes
suggests that this is a woman who will stop at nothing to achieve her aims.]

* Scout and Kelsey Stone. These bodacious 22-year old hunter twins from Waco,
Texas recently became the first women to have successfully hunted down and
killed seven out of ten most endangered animals on the planet. This time,
they're trying their hand at something else, but old habits die hard, and if
you ask us, we think their hearts are going to be in hunting other things than
orchids...

-Winning chances? We're not sure these gals can tell the difference between an
orchid and a six feet cactus, but they oughta know how to navigate a jungle,
so... let's say C+.

[underneath, we see a photograph of two auburn-haired girls looking defiantly
into the camera with shotguns slung over their shoulders. To the right, Scout
is wearing a checkered knit top that exposes a generous portion of her ample
bosom as well as a pair of jeans cut-offs that clings tightly to her wide
hips. To the left, Kelsey wears a more feminine tube top and has angled
herself to display a hint of her shapely butt (in tight khaki shorts) toward
the camera. On the ground in front of them, we see the bulky front section of
a felled rhinoceros.]

* There's a hippie on the highway! Yes, the (in)famous all-female hippie
collective "Daughters of Scorpio" has been confirmed to be on the trail,
seeking to add ESP to their arsenal of weapons with which to wage psychic war
against the establishment. Word is that even their leader -- flaxen- haired
psycho hottie Mystica Primula -- is on her way!

Winning chances? Look, these people are a mystery to us. Let's say anything
from an A- to a big fat F.

[underneath, we see a blurry photo depicting a number of women in scant
psychedelic-patterned clothing dancing in a forest meadow. In the middle, a
curvy auburn blond woman is standing with her back toward the camera and her
hands raised toward the sky in some form of celebration of nature. Her hair,
which has been decorated with feathers and flowers of all colors, is so long
that it reaches the pits of her knees.]

* Kat Wexler. We've heard from a reliable source that the famous documentary
filmmaker has already booked her flight. But will her interest be purely
journalistic, or is she planning to join the race too?

Winning chances? Kat has made almost as many movies in the jungle as Werner
Herzog, and she's smart and resourceful. But on the other hand, Kat is in it
for the story, and the best story might be to latch on to a more interesting
competitor and follow their pursuit of the orchid rather than her own. Hell,
let's say B+.

[underneath, we see a photo of a petite, determined-looking blonde giving
camera instructions in a pine forest. Kat has alert brown eyes, medium-sized
breasts and a cute, elfin face. Her t-shirt and shorts are streaked with dirt
and mud -- this is a girl that doesn't mind spending time in the muck if the
story demands it.]

RUMORED TO BE IN (LIKELY):

* Dr. Pujya Patel. This award-winning neurologist has theorized about the
existence of ESP since the late nineties. Is she going to let some stinking
botanist claim her glory? We think not!

Winning chances? Patel seems more out of her element here than Tang or
Grayson, but being a more respected scientist than either of them, she also
has more resources at her disposal. Let's say B (but it could go up!).

[underneath, we see a photo of an attractive Indian woman standing in front of
a lecturer's pulpit. She's wearing a prim, stylish skirtsuit that does little
to hide her lovely curves. She has a dazzling smile, but there is hint of
privileged aloofness to it that speaks of a woman who has lived too long in
the world of abstract theories to have much knowledge of the gritty reality of
the world around her -- much less of a jungle in the South Pacific.]

* Mariela Escovedo. Wherever there is danger and a reward for braving it, this
sultry Brazilian bounty huntress will probably make a (fashionably late)
appearance.

Winning chances? Bounty hunting ain't the same as navigating a dangerous
jungle. Still, she's armed down to her g-string and, let's face it, big guns
count for a lot. B.

[underneath, we see a sepia-tinted photograph of a bodacious Brazilian babe
standing with her foot on a pile of unconscious female criminals. She's
wearing minimal clothing -- a tight yellow top and a pair of tiny blue shorts
-- that expose most of her curvy brown body, including the hem of a green
g-string. Her face is beaming with haughty pride]

* Amanda Fairchild. Ah yes, the famous actress turned environmental activist
is bound to show up in protest against the corruption of this previously
untouched rain forest.

Winning chances? Seeing as she probably won't actually be looking for the moon
orchid, we're going with a big fat F. She might throw a spanner in the works
for everyone else, though.

[underneath, we see a promotional picture of a gorgeous blond actress in her
early thirties, wearing a short dress with the Greenpeace symbol stretched out
across her shapely breasts. She is clutching the branch of a tree whilst her
deep blue eyes are staring somberly into the camera. A text is interposed over
the picture that reads: I WANT YOU TO HELP SAVE OUR TREES. FIND OUT HOW YOU
CAN HELP AT WWW.AMANDAFAIRCHILDCARES.COM]

* Bethany Holt. The hostess with the mostest -- literally. This millionaire
cum obsessive collector boasts the largest collection of anything you could
possibly collect. Stamps? She's got them all. Butterflies? She owns more than
you thought existed. Pressed flowers? All but one...

Winning chances? Chances are Miss Holt won't show up alone, and with her
considerable fortune she ought to be able to afford pret-tay good mercenaries.
If she shows up, she's the dark horse in the race. A- for sure.

[underneath, we see a picture of a grinning, expensively-dressed brunette with
a strangely crazed gleam in her eyes. In the picture, she's showing off a vast
collection of taxidermized exotic animals.]

* The C.I.A. in some form or another. Believe us, they will have one of their
sunglasses-wearing minxes in the mix.

Winning chances? They normally tend to get their way, so... A-.

[underneath, a stock picture of a black silhouette with a white question mark
superimposed over it]

RUMORED TO BE IN (UNLIKELY):

* Miranda Federley. Will the legendary 39 year old adventuress, once described
as Nicole Kidman's evil fedora-wearing twin, be able to resist the temptation
to reclaim her former glories? Considering that she's wanted for grand theft
relic in fifty-three countries, the chances are slim.

Winning chances? Look, if she WERE to make an appearance, she'd be an obvious
A+. But she won't be... right?

[underneath, a blurry police photograph of a woman diving from a cliffside to
evade capture. The woman having already begun her descent, the only parts of
her visible are a pair of powerful, sun-tanned legs, an arched, hotpants- clad
rump and a windswept streak of of light brown hair.]

* Lora Craft. The famously buxom temple raider has kept a low profile since
her British arse got royally tanned by that counter-raiding bureau we've heard
so much about. Is she still in the game? Who knows?

Winning chances? She used to be one of the best in the business, but her
recent humiliation must have left her ego hurting almost as much as her bum.
We're gonna say A- (if she shows up, which is unlikely).

[underneath, we see a photo of the buxom brunette from behind, admiring the
view from on top of a cliff. She's wearing her signature outfit -- a tight
black midriff-revealing top and a pair of khaki hotpants -- and her hair is in
a long ponytail. Two automatic handguns glimmer inside holsters on each of her
hips.]

* Erica Goldfang. The legendary supervillainess that unsuccessfully tried to
plunder Fort Knox was last seen plunging to her (ostensible) death from a
thousand foot skyscraper. But is she really dead? We're not so sure...

Winning chances? A+, for sure. We don't like betting on the bad girl here, but
hey, we've gotta be honest.

[underneath, we see a blurry photo of a woman in her early thirties with
reddish- blond hair looking straight into the camera with a maniacal gleam in
her steel-grey eyes. The woman is wearing what looks like a white Star
Trek-suit with the initials E.G. embroidered in gold on her left breast. In
one hand, she's holding a automatic gun, while the other is stroking a fluffy
white Persian cat.]

WHAT THEY'RE IN FOR

I know what you're thinking: with this many badasses and brainiacs running
around in that jungle, the race is going to be over in no time. Well, think
again. Turns out the Kaabri jungle is just about the most dangerous place on
Earth, with creatures so fearsome and strange you almost couldn't make them
up.

We asked biologist Beth Carson to give us a hint about what the above women
might be in for once they get to the island, and here's what she said.

INTERVIEWER: So, doctor, on a scale of ballpit at McDonalds to the surface of
Venus, how dangerous is the rainforest of Kaabri in your estimation?

CARSON: Well, it's as close to Venus as you'll get without leaving this
planet. It's a rare place in that, if the fauna doesn't get you, the flora
will instead! In the first category, we have the Megatheridion Fantasticus, or
the Colossal Collector Spider. This horrendous beast weaves enormous nets that
are almost invisible in low-light conditions, trapping animals of all sizes in
them. Including humans.

INTERVIEWER: Gross!

CARSON: Indeed, but fortunately, humans are among the animals that the
Collector has no interest in as food. However, it shows a curious interest in
harvesting the... how shall I put it.... vaginal fluids of human women.
Consequently, it tends to envelop any female human prey in a thick web cocoon
and keep it around as a form of milking cow. It's quite fascinating.

INTERVIWER: Erm, I see... What else can our intrepid heroines expect to bump
into?

CARSON: Glad you asked. If it's not the spiders that get them, it could well
be the snakes. Or, more specifically, the Giant Trapper Python. This thirty
foot beast can swallow a full grown person whole in less than three minutes.
However, interestingly enough, it does not kill it -- it simply retains it
alive in its belly for unknown purposes for a certain period of time, at the
end of which it simply regurgitates its prey. There are many theories about
why it does this, ranging from body heat regulation to some kind of bacterial
symbiosis, but nothing has been conclusively proven.

INTERVIEWER: Strange. Now, you mentioned earlier that if the fauna doesn't get
them, the flora will. What did you mean by that?

CARSON: Simply that the plants on Kaabri are just as terrifying as the
animals. Take the Dioanea Gynovorata, popularly referred to as the Venus
Girl-Trap. It's a huge, ten feet wide flower that attracts its prey with
alluring scent, only to snap its jaws shut around the poor girl once she's
climbed on top of it. The prey is then kept within the plant for months, where
it feeds her a certain kind of sap to cause her breasts to swell up and start
producing milk -- just as during a pregnancy. The plant then proceeds to
stimulate the prey's, erm, private parts so that her nipples are kept erect,
and survives by feeding off her breast milk. When vaginal stimulation ceases
to be effective, the Gynovorata has been observed to switch over to anal
stimulation, and after that... well, let's not get into it.

INTERVIEWER: Cripes, that sounds positively monstrous! And then it eats the
poor girl, I presume?

CARSON: No, no, thankfully that never happens. For unexplained reasons, the
prey is ejected after a certain period of time -- naked and covered with
slime. But the poison tends to last for a long time afterwards, causing her
breasts to swell up at the most inopportune moments.

INTERVIEWER: So, to recapitulate: spiders, snakes, hungry plants. What else?

CARSON: Let's not forget the natives!

INTERVIEWER: Natives?

CARSON: I won't comment too much on them since it's outside of my area of
specialty. But suffice to say that Kaabri is home to some very interesting
indigenous peoples. The Maati tribe especially is known for its interest in
capturing members of other tribes -- or, even better in their eyes, tourists
-- and subject them to the most hair-raising forms of sexual torture...

So there you have it, folks! Dozens of foolhardy adventurers are about to
venture into a jungle full of bizarre and depraved creatures in search of a
flower that grants extra-sensory powers. Who says modern life in the
twenty-first century has to be boring?"

TO BE CONTINUED