Amator Contest - Runner-up winner Ladies and Gentlemen, As contest provider, and due to the lack of response, I am ending the contest early. I received several responses, one right on the money, and this one very close, therefore, I am please to announce the runner-up in the Amator Contest, Alan Smithee. Mr. Smithee, nicknamed Colt, provided me a humorous, but slightly incorrect, answer. I was so impressed with his punny answer, that I wrote this in response. J. Pardo Once upon a time there was a fellow named Colt who lived in a house carved from a single tree in the forest. Colt got tired of this log house and decided to venture forth seeking Fortune and Fame. Fortune and Fame were his two pet Rotwhilers, so named because they were a dead breed, and would rot while you waited. A few miles down the road, he encountered another forest. It looked like his forest, but when he entered it, he was hit by small pails which overturned and drenched him. He stepped outside the forest, and the sun was shining, without a cloud in the sky, but inside the forest, the rain came down in buckets. "Who dares enter my forest?", a voice of terror shouted. "I didn't know you owned it", Colt said. "Well, I DO!", the voice got closer, revealing a beautiful woman. A woman of such gargatuan size and muscularity, that Colt gasped in amazement. "What's the matter, never seen a strong woman before?", the woman asked, flexing her 30 inch biceps, "I am Lady Stärke. Tell me your name, before I kill you." "I am Colt Burks, son of Waldig Burks, I am a tree elf", Colt said proudly. "Ready to die?", Lady Stärke asked. "I am ready, but I would rather not. Isn't there anything I can do to prevent this?", Colt implored. "There is one thing, but you'd never be able to do it", she said emphatically, "you must go to the Spice Islands, and bring me back a Thyme Share. It's the only way I can save the forest from destruction." "How would I get there?", Colt asked, trying to save his life. "Inside my forest there is a wise tree named Douglas, he's a Fir, you can ask him", Lady Stärke responded. "How can I be safe with all these buckets hitting me?" Colt asked. "Take one and place it on your head, then two more and place them on your rear, the other buckets will not attack you." He wasn't sure what a bucketskin cap and bucket seats would do to help him, but he went along with her advice. Deep inside the forest, Colt got lost. "What's a Douglas Fir?", Colt asked himself out loud. "It's fir to answer questions, ya dang fool", a nearby tree spoke. Colt jumped when he heard the sound. "Who said that?", he yelled. "I did", the tree behind him said, "I'm Douglas." "I've been sent to find you", Colt said hurridly. "I know all about it," Douglas said, "Lady Stärke sent word ahead", Douglas said. "But how, I just left her", Colt asked astonished. "Well, I heard it through the grapevine", Douglas sang, "His name is Marvin. He's was sad because someone is destroying the forest, but since he heard that you are going to help save it, he's been happy. It's good to see Marvin gay." "So, how am I going to get to Spice Island?", Colt asked. "That's easy, take me out of the ground and use me, and please call me Doug", Doug said in a friendly tone, knowing that Colt was willing to help. Doug pulled his roots out of the ground, and laid down. Colt picked him up (being a Tree Elf, Colt was much stronger than he looked.) Although he was 5ft. 7in, and weighed 170 lbs, he could lift 500 lbs easily, as long as he had contact with the Earth. He carried Doug to the edge of the forest and Lady Stärke was there to meet them. "Good luck, my heroes", she said, "and hurry back. Every minute they're destroying more of my forest, and I can only be in one place at a time to stop them." "We will, Milady", Colt said, vowing to return quickly to the Amazon's rain forest. Colt lifted Doug to his shoulder and carried him until they reach the Pacifantic Ocean. He put Doug down and rode on him like a canoe, with Doug putting his branches in the water like oars. He was glad he took Doug out. "Who do we have to meet there?", Colt asked Doug. "I won't know until I touch ground, then I can root out the information.", Doug explained. They landed on an island and seeing a large rodent eat a sweet smelling plant, knew they were on the right place. It was an herb-a-vore. Colt placed Doug among other trees to seek help. The first tree he encountered threatened him with drills and needles, that was a Dentistree. The Dentistree approached but was stopped by the Gallantree, who bowed in their direction. He asked the tree on his immediate right about the location of the Thyme Share. The Sophistree waxed philsophical on how wonderful Thyme was and necessarily to maintain their place in the universe. The nearby Psychiatree analyzed the question and determined that the problem could only be solved by taking Xanax (TM), which causes your mind to slow down, so you think you have plenty of time. Finally the Poetree answered: "You need to see A group of three Of Parsley, Sage, And Rosemary." and the Artistree dutifully draw their pictures. Colt knew needed to find three beautiful women, but where? The Poetree continued: "You'll find the three Near Circle Square All playing a flute at Scar Borough Fair. The Artistree drew a picture of the fairgrounds, with it's many scarred trees within the borough. Colt looked up and saw the sign to the fair. He turned to the trees and said "We thank you my friends, you're helping to save the Amazon forest." The Poetree said: "All brothers are we Beneath the tree And share a great bond With those 'cross the sea." The Artistree drew a picture of two trees with their branches intertwined across the sea. Colt and Doug bid them adieu. As the approached the fair, they noticed the marvelous aroma. Spices blended together to please the senses. They, then, heard the music. In complete harmony, the flutes played their melliflous tunes. Colt carried Doug to the source of the sounds. Doug settled in again finding comfort from the ground. "Greetings ladies", Colt said, "I was told that if I came to see you, that I could get a Thyme Share." "Gladly we'd share, for we have much to spare", Sage sang, "but you must find a ware, to take it from here." "Greetings", Rosemary said, "we're the Spice Girls, and we're between jobs, so we do have thyme on our hands." "But you need find a bottle", Parsley said. "If I could have thyme in a bottle", Colt sang, "and hopes could make wishes come true...." Doug brushed against him, causing him to stop the music. "Look", Doug said, "there's a milk thistle plant, and right next to it is a milk bottle plant." Colt ran over and grabbed a large bottle. The three women cupped their hands and poured the extra thyme into the bottle, then Colt capped it. "How could I ever repay you?", Colt asked. "Well, if you could find the Gingerbread man, maybe he'll give us a job. We tried to make an appointment, but we could never catch him in.", Parsley said. "We'll try our best", Colt said, and Doug sent a message to the nearby trees. Only one answered. "You have to build a gingerbread house, then he'll come", said a friendly tree. "Of course, why didn't I think of that? Mr, er?", Colt inquired of his name. "Elementree, my dear sir, Elementree." After thanking the Elementree, they bought supplies and found a shady area to build the house. It didn't take long, as the gingerbread house was only 12 inches tall. The Gingerbread Man appeared. "Cool house", he said, "how much do you want for it?" Colt said, "I'll give it to you, if you'll agree to listen to a beautiful trio called the Spice Girls." "Deal", the Gingerbread man said confident that he'd turn these women away, just like he did the 500 other wannabees. He went to hear them perform and was immediately smitten. He signed them up for a 3 record deal, and a world tour. They were glad to be hook up with their Ginger Spice. Colt and Doug went swiftly back to their rain forest. Doug was glad to put down roots in familiar territory. Lady Stärke ran up to Colt and hugged him. "Thank you, Colt. With this bottle, I can make thyme stand still, and be able to defeat my enemy.", she said warmly, then kissed him passionately shrinking in height to match Colt's, but keeping her muscular form and femininity. Her breasts grew as she shrank and Colt was buried within her luscious globes. "My name is Cheryl, but you can call me CJ", she said as she opened herself to him. Being a tree elf has its advantages, because he can take the characteristics of a tree, and chose to change his member into a 17.7 inch long love shaft, he figured that in centimeters, he could give her a Colt 45, then he shot her repeatedly, spinning occasionally. She was thoroughly enjoying her Colt revolver.