Benita South Street
By CaptainCorc with apologies and gratitude to the shade of Damon Runyon


When it comes out that Benny South Street, the long time ducket hustler 
and strong arm enforcer for Sam the Gonoph, is no Benny at all but a doll 
by the name of Benita, it causes much consternation and no little 
amazement to one and all for Benny is considered a very rough and ready 
customer indeed and more apt to biff your beezer than to stroke your 
troubled brow while feeding you grapes.  In fact, Benita is such a doll as 
will give you the shudders more than somewhat when you chance to say 
something that causes her to adopt a cold silence and a stony expression 
although I must say that dolls of all description seem to acquire that skill 
somewhere along the line.  But Benita's cold and stony aspect is much more 
sinister than a normal doll's as it suggests that she may practice extreme 
mayhem upon your person at any moment just the same as many guys will 
who are sensitive at all times about the way they are spoken to by one and 
all.   This impression is borne out many times when Benita caresses citizens 
whom she considers overly fresh in such a fashion that these citizens 
become unconscious and sometimes the unconsciousness is to such a degree 
as to require attention from experts in that particular state at hospitals.

Now I wish to say that I am respectful of Benita at all times even when she 
is still thought to be Benny, as I am such a guy who requires tranquility at 
all times and am congenitally unable to bear long periods of induced 
unconsciousness.  However, many guys are of a more adventurous 
disposition and when the word goes out that Benny is no Benny at all but a 
doll named Benita, nothing will do for them but what they must challenge 
her as they are by no means convinced that any doll whatever can best them 
in a contest of physical strength and consequently there is much scientific 
brawling for a spell as this guy and that tests himself against Benita.  

Naturally these endeavors result in a very brisk trade in wagers for a brief 
time until the count of vanquished guys persuades one and all to agree that 
the line for any guy going against Benita can never be better than 50 to 1 
against and Benita herself is no odds.  Now, 50 to 1 is a very nice price 
indeed as most people will tell you that Sam the Gonoph is speaking truth 
when he outs with his famous statement that nothing between humans is 
even as long as 3 to 1.  However, it appears that contests of prowess 
between guys and Benita are not propositions between humans at all but 
demonstrations of what can happen to a guy if  he is foolish enough to walk 
into a large meat grinder.  Soon you cannot get a bet down on Benita and 
only guys who are very rank rubes indeed will bet against her and soon 
even guys who are very rank rubes indeed will not trouble themselves to 
lose their potatoes in this fashion.

The ease and diversity of methods with which Benita dispatches her 
opponents greatly astonishes many citizens who hitherto consider 
themselves quite jaded in matters of violence.  Benita will take on all 
comers and what is more, she will take them on in their own specialty, 
regardless of what it might be.  Therefore Earthquake, who is strong of arm 
more than somewhat chooses to armwrestle her and is put down as quick 
as you wink or maybe even quicker and afterwards states that he believes 
that Benita fractures his ulna bone, if not his radius bone as well.  A croaker 
examines him and pronounces that this is not so, but it makes a large 
impression on me nevertheless and I take great care to maintain my 
respectful attitude towards Benita South Street.

The next noteworthy citizen to take a crack at Benita is none other than 
Rusty Charley who acquires much renown in this town as a guy with a very 
powerful punch indeed.  In fact, I myself see Rusty Charley knock down a 
horse with a punch that travels no more than four inches.  It is a most 
alarming spectacle indeed and causes the unfortunate plug no little 
discomfort.  When Rusty Charley hears of the transition of Benny to Benita 
and also of her willingness to stand against all comers, he becomes most 
indignant and says to me one night in front of Mindy's like this:

"Why, I must say this is a most surprising development.  Why, I never hear 
of such a thing.  Now I am not such a guy who will normally apply the 
dukes to a doll as I consider such doings most dastardly indeed.  However, 
it is most unwise to allow this doll to continue to dismantle guys as she 
does.  Why, before you know it, every doll you meet will think a guy is 
nothing more than an item to biff around at will which is a most intolerable 
attitude indeed.  Why, even at the best of times a doll's attitude will be the 
better for some alterations here and there along the lines of  agreeableness.  
If this condition is not soon dealt with in a forthright manner, there will be 
no abiding with any doll whatever."

Well, this sentiment on the part of Rusty Charley amuses me more than 
somewhat as I happen to know that Rusty Charley's ever loving wife is a 
very lively hand with a small baseball bat with which she reasons most 
heartily with Rusty Charley.  I know this because I witness such behavior 
first hand and I wish to say it will be a most cheerful proposition indeed to 
watch Rusty Charley's ever loving biff him along side the noggin with a 
small baseball bat if she does not conclude that she does not completely 
limber up the old arm while transacting in blows upon Rusty Charley and 
cuts me in on her action. As a result, Rusty Charley's ever loving wife biffs 
me about the noggin no little and soon, Rusty Charley and I are both 
snoring consequent to these brutal ministrations on the part of Rusty 
Charley's ever loving wife.

Well, Rusty Charley arranges with Benita to engage in combat of a strictly 
fisticuff nature and Benita is by no means averse to the proposition.  Which 
only goes to prove that Benita is a most agreeable doll at all times and does 
not require Rusty Charley's attention or anybody else's for that matter to 
adjust her attitude whatsoever.  Still, many guys fail to see this and are 
looking forward to seeing Rusty Charley teach Benita a lesson.  Now I wish 
to say that this is a most fortuitous time for me, as one can still get long 
money down on Benita, as the general line on her for this bout is 8 to 5 
against due to Rusty Charley's wonderful reputation as a puncher.  And it 
just so happens that I am in possession of a few very coarse bank notes and 
also am very confident indeed that Benita will find a way to emerge 
triumphant.  I am strengthened in this confidence by the fact that Nathan 
Detroit and Saul the Soldier, two very astute judges of investments of such 
a nature, are laying as many potatoes as they can spare on Benita also.  We 
are decidedly in the minority, but this fact does not dismay Nathan Detroit 
and Saul the Soldier and so I do not allow it to dismay me either.

I never see such a combat as the battle between Benita and Rusty Charley 
when it finally comes off as it does about two weeks after Benita accepts 
Rusty Charley's invitation to contend with him vis a vis the old dukes.  And 
one and all agree that it is a most singular performance indeed.  Rusty 
Charley approaches Benita with a very determined expression upon his 
phizz and assays a punch which will kill an elephant, if an elephant is 
unfortunate enough to stand in the way of it.  However, Benita proves to be 
as elusive as smoke in a stiff breeze and punch dissipates into thin air and 
carries Rusty Charley along behind due to the tremendous momentum.  This 
of course, gives Benita an opening and she clips Rusty Charley with a neat 
and powerful uppercut to his button, the effect of which is truly amazing.  
Rusty Charley's eyeballs woozle around in their sockets like loose marbles 
and his legs wobble more than somewhat.  They wobble to such a degree, in 
fact, that he could teach Mr. Bill Bojangles Robinson a new step or two or 
maybe even three.  Benita feints with another right and Rusty Charley has 
just enough reaction left in his system to pull back which, of 
course, gives Benita another opening and she is quick to deliver a straight 
left which starts in the vicinity of Harold Square and ends in Rusty 
Charley's solar plexus with all of Benita's leverage behind it.  Well, I wish 
to say that I never see such a sight as Rusty Charley flying through the 
atmosphere as a result of this unbelievable blow.  He passes me with a 
sound which some describe as similar to the oscillating whine a large 
artillery shell makes although I cannot substantiate such a claim as nothing 
in my experience acquaints me with large artillery shells - a state of affairs 
for which I am very grateful indeed.  Later, there is some speculation as to 
whether the sound is made by the air escaping Rusty Charley's lungs or by 
the sheer velocity with which his person is propelled through the air.  
Lugubrious Lars, who claims to study acoustics in his youth, is willing to 
lay 6 to 5 that velocity is the winner, but as nobody can figure a way to 
prove it short of firing what is left of Rusty Charley out of a cannon, Kid 
Philly who is appointed arbiter and holder of funds, declares all pending 
transactions on the subject null and void.  He even returns said funds to the 
citizens involved in the speculation which comes as a great surprise as Kid 
Philly is known for the adhesiveness of his fingers in such matters and 
nobody can imagine who appoints him arbiter and holder of funds in the 
first place.  Anyway, Rusty Charley's progress is arrested when he meets 
Mindy's wall with a force that all but stoves his entire head in.  He seeps to 
the floor like a sack of moldy meal and does not so much as twitch for the 
next 3 hours.  This is a documented fact, as Little Izzy is assigned to watch 
Rusty Charley very closely for signs of life and Little Izzy is not such a one 
to fail in a simple chore like that although he does take time out for a brief 
nap now and then on account of the dullness inherent in watching a guy 
snore for any length of time.  

Benita shakes the hair from her eyes and says to one and all as follows:  "I 
hope and trust that Rusty Charley does not sustain such damage as to haul 
off and die.  I never have such an opportunity for a left like that and I 
cannot restrain myself.  I will now entertain further challenges if one of you 
will be so kind as to supply me with a drink, elsewise I will have to resort to 
this flask of kerosene which I get from Good Time Charlie's speak when I 
am insensible the other night."

Well, there is such a flurry of flask pulling that I duck under the table as it 
looks as if twenty guys are set to haul out the Betsies for a round of target 
practice.  This is merely a reflex and no such thing comes off, of course, 
although there are black looks in abundance towards Benita on the part of 
many citizens who are out of pocket due to the manner in which she ruins 
their calculations regarding her confrontation with Rusty Charley.   
However, these citizens appear unwilling to press the issue with Benita for 
some reason and one and all congratulate her heartily and proffer flasks of 
Scotch and other libations and all is very cheery indeed, although it is sad to 
note that no one even bothers to check Rusty Charley's pulse, let alone 
render him aid of any kind.  But, as I myself have no knowledge of medical 
procedure, I see no reason to disturb him and no doubt everyone else thinks 
likewise as it well known that citizens are very touchy indeed in regards to 
who gives them medical treatment.  In fact, it is also well known to one and 
all that the book on citizens who are lying peacefully in a crumpled heap is 
to let them alone as it is generally best to mind your own business in this 
man's town and crumpled heaps are usually crumpled for a reason and that 
reason is usually none of your business.

Anyway, there is much conviviality, real or feigned, until Big Nig the 
Crapshooter looks Benita up and down with a sinister smile and mentions to 
her like this:  "You know," he mentions. "In my youth, which is not so very 
long ago, I am considered a very fine and dangerous wrestler indeed.  I do 
not wish to seem forward, Miss Benny, but I wonder if you will consider a 
match with me?"

Well, Benita's eyes light up like a doll who spies a potato laden geezer and 
immediately envisions gaudy diamond bracelets and such.  With a smile 
that will melt your heart if you do not know better she turns to Big Nig 
the Crapshooter and avers to him like this:  "Why, Big Nig," she avers.  "I 
never suspect that anyone will ever tender me such a gracious and 
gentlemanly invitation.  Why, I begin to think that no one at all will allow 
me to practice what I deem to be my own particular specialty.  I am 
grappling since I am a squirt and though I am out of practice more than 
somewhat due to the rapid nature with which I must deal with certain 
situations which arise, I am sure I retain the rudiments of the prowess I once 
display.  I will engage with you, Big Nig, most willingly, in a match."

Now, I wish to say that Big Nig the Crapshooter no longer smiles quite as 
serenely as he smiles a few minutes ago, but Big Nig is never one to surrender 
meekly when they turn up snake-eyes on him.  In fact, Big Nig is such a guy who 
will stick it out as long as anybody and maybe even longer and he is no slouch 
in the physical department at roughly 220 something and a grip which Ripley's 
"Believe it or Not" certifies as off the scale.

And even though Big Nig has at least six inches in height on Benita and an 
untold amount of bulk, those citizens, including me, who invest in Benita in the 
past scramble to roll over our investments in light of this upcoming opportunity 
and certain citizens who have been wary of investing in Benita are re-evaluating 
their positions.

As Benita and Big Nig limber themselves up for the pending battle, Bob the 
Handicapper leans over to me and says to me like this:

"Why, this is the most unsettling proposition I witness in all my days.  How am 
I to handicap such an event?  I know less than anything about Benita South 
Street's critical details.  What poundage does she pack?  What is her reach?  
Why, I cannot even be sure how tall she is, although I would estimate five feet 
ten some.  All I can say for sure at this point is that she has a very lovely 
head of black hair indeed, but how that enters in to a grappling match I have 
yet to ascertain."

"Why, Bob," I say to him.  "You know quite well it is considered indelicate more 
than somewhat to inquire of a doll for such details as you mention.  Even the 
slightest doll in all the world will not be pleased at being confronted with 
such personal questions.  If you wish to approach Benita for such information, I 
suggest that you remove your teeth and decalcify your bones, for it is even 
money for sure that she will react with indignation to such effrontery."

While Bob the Handicapper and I are discussing etiquette, Big Nig the 
Crapshooter stalks Benita in such a wrestler's crouch as will give me for one 
great pause if I ever see him closing in on me in such a fashion.  Big Nig 
bristles with menace and I judge from the baleful glare in his eye that he means 
to avenge all the damage Benita does in the recent past.  Benita eyes glow like 
a bride's as she merges with Big Nig and the audacity of her move astonishes one 
and all.  Big Nig attempts some sort of contortion upon her person - the 
intention apparently being to lay her chin upon her chest while sweeping a leg 
out from under her.  But Benita is jerry to such maneuvers and slips through the 
threat like Oriental water and appears behind Big Nig as if by magic and wraps 
herself around him like ivy on an oak tree.  So now it is Big Nig who has his 
chin on his chest in what is known, I am told by such citizens who possess the 
nomenclature, as a Full Nelson.  What is more, she manages to entwine her legs 
about his in a fashion which to this day I cannot fathom, though Benita tells me 
later it is a very old trick indeed amongst dolls and when I hear this I am very 
thankful indeed that I never run across such dolls as that.  What happens is 
this:  Benita's legs slowly draw Big Nig's together.  I see this, but I do not 
believe it.  Her leverage for performing this trick is nil as near as I can 
figure, but it proves that Benita has such power in her thighs as not to require 
leverage at all.  She squeezes and whatever has the ill fortune to be between 
them must compress willy nilly.  Big Nig's arms whirl around in a most comical 
manner and I am wondering why Big Nig does not drop to his knees immediately as 
what follows seems a foregone conclusion.  I am informed that it is a very bad 
idea to go to your knees while in a Full Nelson because you lose all possibility 
of shaking the hold as you can no longer whirl around and such.  Well, I wish to 
say that if Benita ever so much as touches me with a little finger, I will go to 
my knees forthwith rather than undergo what happens to Big Nig.  Benita keeps 
the squeeze on and Big Nig's legs pull closer and closer together.  Now it 
appears he would like nothing better than to go to his knees for even he must 
see what Benita has in mind.  But Big Nig's knees might as well be encased in 
stovepipes for all the flexibility they have.  Somehow, Benita has immobilized 
them completely.  She later tells me that that is a skill she learns from a 
French Canadian doll who makes a career of incapacitating guys in that 
particular manner.  Big Nig's legs are now drawn tightly together, he teeters 
and he knows he must fall.  He tries desperately to go over backwards, but 
Benita insists that he must not do that by increasing the pressure on his neck 
until it is most unpleasant indeed to observe and I do not wish to imagine what 
it must be like to experience.  Finally, Big Nig's arms cease to flail and he 
topples forward with about as much bend in him as that oak tree which he 
resembles.  You can almost hear him creaking as he goes.  His head meets Mindy's 
floor with the sound like a gunshot which is a more encouraging sound than we 
expect.  Lucky for Big Nig he has a head like a brick or we would hear brains 
spilling.  But brick or no brick, Big Nig is lights out for the duration and 
when Benita untangles herself from the wreckage, there is no indication whatever 
from Big Nig that he wishes to contest another fall.  In fact, there is no 
indication from Big Nig that he is even still alive.

Benita arises, withdraws a lovely yellow ribbon from her pants pocket and ties 
her luxurious black hair back in a flouncy pony tail.  She then looks around at 
us with a becoming smile and puts the big fedora that hid all that hair back on 
her head.  

"Why I wish to say that was most refreshing indeed," she says.  "Anybody have 
any suggestions for further activities."

Well I for one will not even suggest tiddlywinks as I am convinced that Benita 
will find a way to make it a contact sport and I certainly do not wish any 
contact with Benita whatsoever.  I will gather the potatoes I win and remain 
very meek and inconspicuous indeed.  And judging from the dead stillness in the 
room, everybody else runs out of ideas also.

A sennight or so later, I run into Nicely Nicely Johnson in front of Good Time 
Charlie's speak and it occurs to me that Nicely is the only guy I know of who 
does not react to Benita's sudden appearance as a doll with indignation.  In 
fact, as I look back, I see that Nicely seems very much relieved indeed and my 
curiosity is such that I ask him why, although it is generally better to mind 
your own business in this man's town as many citizens resent curiosity in any 
form whatever.  But Nicely is a jovial sort and very calm about such matters and 
he has no rancor regarding my inquiry and he says to me like this:

"Why, in my association with Benny, I find myself having what I consider very 
strange emotions indeed.  So strange in fact that I contemplate turning my head 
over to science for inspection as a probable deviant.  So when it turns out that 
Benny is Benita, I am very relieved as it proves the old sex appeal will out 
through any sort of raiment whatever and a doll is a doll for all that."

And who should come around the corner but Benita herself, looking like a doll in 
a lovely dress with a big floppy hat and her black hair flowing out from under 
it and she tips me a big hello, smiles sweetly at Nicely and picks him up and 
carries him under her arm into Good Time Charlie's speak.