Never Trust A Lady Wrestler - Mixed Pro Battler Royal
By Hank Edwards
An amateur male encounters nine professional lady wrestlers in this fictionalized account of a 1969 battle royal.


I didn't know about the "Challenge Match" when I entered the arena 
for what I thought was going to be a typical night of wrestling. 
However, as soon as I walked in, I saw a poster challenging any 
man to step into the ring with 9 professional lady wrestlers for a 
battle royal. I thought to myself, hell, I could do that. Not only could 
I probably take any one of these girls, but they would probably be 
too busy beating up on each other to worry about me. All I'd have to 
do was stay out of harms way. The prize was $100.00, which was a 
lot back in 1971. So, having made up my mind, I filled out the ticket 
and threw it into a box containing many others.

Just after the first match, in which Sue Green & Lily Thomas beat 
Tippy Wells & Peggy Patterson, they held the raffle. I felt a mixture 
of fear and elation as I heard my name called from the public 
address system. The fear was partly a reaction to having just 
witnessed poor Tippy Wells take such a brutal beating at the hands 
of Lily Thomas. I as glad they were not going to be in the battle 
royal. After claiming the winning ticket, I was led back to a dressing 
room and given a wrestling suit to put on. As the attendant handed 
me the suit, he said, "okay, you're on in about 45 minutes. Good 
luck." The suit fit pretty well, but the ring jacket was about two sizes 
too big for me.

As the winner of the contest, I was called first and introduced to the 
crowd. "To my right, weighing in at 155 lbs., the winner of our 
wrestling challenge and the only man to participate in the 10 person 
battle royal, he is Hank Edwards." My introduction was met with 
applause and some laughter. To loosen up a bit, I made a mock 
muscle pose in the center of the ring. However, my levity was soon 
replaced by awe as the stream of women wrestlers began to make 
their way to the ring. Through the ropes and into the ring where I 
was standing came blondes, brunettes and redheads dressed in 
various warm-up jackets, robes and shawls. These were attractive 
women with strong sexy legs and full rounded figures. The air 
quickly became heavy with the smell of the wrestlers' perfumes and 
hair spray. As these ladies lined up on the ropes, I began to feel the 
fear of being the only man in the ring with 9 lady wrestlers.

The women held their hands on their hips and glared at each other 
while the announcer called out the names of each. There was the 
heavyset redhead Patti Neilsen, young blonde Joyce Grable, the 
strong newcomer Debbie Johnson, veteran Cora Combs, dark 
Italian Donna Christianello, Vivian Vachon, big Kathy O'Brian, ring 
wise Bette Boucher and Princess Little Cloud. Each girl waived and 
smiled to the audience as her name was called. We met in the 
center of the ring where the ref told us, "This is a no holds barred 
battle royal. Nothing is illegal and the only way to be eliminated is to 
be thrown out of the ring. Pins and submissions don't mean a thing. 
There is no time limit and I will only interfere when it appears to me 
that someone is unable to continue without being permanently 
injured. When I see that, I will eliminate the injured wrestler. Okay, 
go back against the ropes and when the bell rings, come out 
fighting."

Right before the bell rang, Vivian Vachon came over to me, tied my 
arms up in the long sleeves of my ring jacket and threw a forearm 
smash to my jaw. The brutal blonde walked away giggling at me, "I 
hope for your sake that you can fight better than you look."

At the sound of the bell, the women seemed content to pair off with 
themselves in their own battles. However, Joyce Grable, a beautiful 
wrestler with long blonde hair, turned to me and asked in a low 
voice, almost as if we were at a high school dance, "Want to 
wrestle?" At 5' 5", she was about three inches shorter than I was, 
so I figured she would be a safe bet. Before I knew what hit me, 
Joyce began a two fisted punching attack. Outfitted in a gold one 
piece wrestling suit with white boots, the little powerhouse went to 
work on me with a vengeance. Using her powerful fists, Joyce 
stood up to me and beat my belly like a drum. When I fell to my 
knees on the mat, she locked my head between her knees and did 
the twist with my head before jumping up and delivering a 
punishing knee knocker that flattened me out on the canvas.

The blonde smiled as she delicately pushed the curls from her face 
and eyes and contemplated what next to do to me. Her old rival, 
Patti Neilsen, however, had other plans as she delivered a brutal 
dropkick to Joyce's back, causing the blonde to fall across my body 
in a heap. With a handful of curly blonde hair, I turned Joyce over 
and stretched her out to expose her midriff so that Patti could 
punish Joyce's midsection with powerful knee drops. There clearly 
was a lot more pain in a battle royale and a wrestler had to be able 
to both dish it out and take it.

When Patti let up with her knee drops, I continued the punishment 
of Joyce's midsection by grabbing the young woman's stomach 
muscles with both hands in a version of the iron claw hold. Now the 
gold clad blonde was on her back screaming in pain while stomping 
the ring with her white boots. All the while I tightened my grip on her 
fleshy belly and sent ripples of pain through the girl as I continued 
to work away on her abdomen. Tears began to well up in Joyce's 
blue eyes. However, before I could weaken her to point of throwing 
her out of the ring, Joyce's friend, Debbie Johnson, unloaded a 
vicious boot to my back which forced me to break the claw hold.

Patti Neilsen took a handful of Joyce's hair and pulled her into a 
nearby corner where Princess Little Cloud had just thrown Kathy 
O'Brian out of the ring. The Princess showed a willingness to join 
Patti in double teaming Joyce. Meanwhile, the firey redhead, Cora 
Combs, yanked my boots and dragged me to the center of the ring. 
As she dragged me across the mat, I noticed that her once nicely 
coifed red hair was now in wild disarray from hair pulling. Having 
dragged me to the center of the ring, Cora spread my legs and 
jumped between them, landing on my stomach with her round 
behind. The ring shook as our flesh collided and I let out an 
agonized grunt as Cora knocked the wind out of me with her ass.

Cora sat firmly on my midsection while calling out to three other 
nearby wrestlers, "Come here! I've got him!" Debbie Johnson let go 
of a headlock she had on Vivian Vachon to come over and rake my 
face with her knees. She then held my face between her soft, sexy 
legs while maintaining a chin lock and occasionally bending down 
to cover my head with her jet black hair as she continued her 
choking attack. Grateful to be free of Debbie's headlock, Vivian 
Vachon shook off her pain and motioned to Bette Boucher to join 
her in working on my legs. Each girl grabbed one of my boots and 
pulled my legs apart while pushing off from one another as if rowing 
a boat.

I was helpless, as I lay stretched out in the center of the ring. A 
blonde and a brunette were punishing my legs while a determined 
redhead pummeled my stomach with her behind. All the while, 
Debbie Johnson, a black haired beauty, held me in a chin lock with 
her knees and choked me with her girlish fingers. When Debbie 
finally got off my face, I was blinded by the ring lights that were 
burning down on my flesh. Taking advantage of my weakened 
state, Debbie picked me up and locked me in a full-nelson. Cora 
used the opportunity to drive a hard knee to my midsection. Debbie 
broke the full nelson and all four girls grabbed my arms and legs in 
order to throw me out of the ring. At this point, I realized that I was 
no match for these women and did not struggle to remain in the 
fight. Nearing the ropes, the girls started to swing me back and 
forth and I figured the end was near. However, just as they 
released my body, Donna Christianello, Little Cloud and Patti 
Neilsen hit the girls with hard dropkicks. This tactic knocked Cora 
Combs, Debbie Johnson and Bette Boucher right out of the ring, 
leaving me to dangle from the top rope with Vivian Vachon hanging 
onto my arm.

I tumbled back into the ring, bringing Vivian Vachon with me and 
landing on top of the beautiful blonde. Remembering her earlier 
humiliation, I decided to go right to work on Vachon with a 
grapevine. Curling my own thighs around her soft, tanned legs, I 
tied Vivian up in a spread eagle grapevine hold. The blonde bit her 
own lips and shook her head from side to side as I held her under 
me while stretching her arms and legs with all of my might. We 
were face to face and I could see Vivian Vachon's suffering in her 
frightened eyes and tortured mouth. Our fingers were locked up as I 
stretched out her arm muscles. All the while, I pressed down with 
my full body weight on her stomach and chest. Patti Neilsen took 
this opportunity to jump with both black boots onto my back. The 
redhead's 175 lbs. landed hard. However, the pain was double for 
Vivian and the tanned blonde let out a scream that could be heard 
throughout the arena. Patti stood on me and jumped up and down, 
each time causing Vivian Vachon to cry "ugh!"

On the other side of the ring, Donna Christianello and Princess 
Little Cloud had hung Joyce Grable upside down in the turnbuckles 
with her legs tied up in the top rope. In this position, Donna and the 
Princess were able to soften up Joyce's abdomen wtih fists and 
knees to the blonde's upside down tummy. Seeing the beating that 
Patti and I were dishing out to Vivian Vachon, Donna called over, 
"hey, let's bang these blondes' heads together!"

Patti and I each grabbed one of Vivian Vachon's arms and dragged 
her across the ring to a painful collision with the head of Joyce 
Grable who was being held by Donna and Little Cloud. A loud crack 
was heard as the blonde's heads crashed together in the center of 
the ring. Both girls fell helplessly to the mat with their arms and legs 
spread out and defenseless. Donna smiled and cried out "one more 
time!" With that we picked up our hapless foes from the mat and 
dragged them into opposing corners. Again we whipped the 
blondes into the center of the ring. This time, however, Vivian 
Vachon managed to get enough leverage to toss Patti's body into 
Donna and Joyce joined in on the other end by hurling the Princess 
into me.

With the tables now turned, Joyce and Vivian Vachon wasted no 
time in tossing Donna Christianello and Princess Little Cloud out of 
the ring. As they approached Patti and I, we got to our knees and 
begged them not to hurt us. Patti was a big, busty woman with red 
hair and pale skin. Her large breasts heaved with each plea for 
mercy. Patti turned to me and said "help me with these two and we 
can wrestle each other to finish off the match. I promise not to 
punish you too much."

Joyce came over to Patti shaking her fist and the curly haired 
blonde said, "What's the matter? You don't want to get hurt? I'm 
sorry, but this is a no holds barred fight and now you've got to take 
your lumps." With that, Joyce delivered a boot to the belly of her 
prostrate opponent. Patti grunted as the kick sent her head and 
body shaking like a limp rag doll.

Vivian Vachon came from behind and wrapped her legs around my 
waist. Joyce did likewise with Patti. The blondes used their legs to 
squeeze the breath out of us while adding to our troubles with 
punches to the back, hair pulling and punishing slaps to the ears. 
Although I tried punching her thighs and digging my fingers into her 
knees, I could do nothing to break the grip of Vivian Vachon's legs 
of steel. Across from me, Patti Neilsen was nearly in tears as she 
tried to free herself from Joyce's torture. Suddenly I felt Vivian 
Vachon's fingers pulling away at my ears. This forced me to let go 
of Vachon's legs and reach up to protected my head. Vachon used 
this maneuver to bring her arms around my chest and lift me up for 
a bottom bump. With my body raised to the maximum, Vivian cried 
out to Joyce who had Patti in the same position, "Okay, one, two, 
three...."

The weight of Vivian Vachon's large behind carried me down as 
she smashed my bottom hard onto the canvas. Combined with the 
body scissors, it felt as if she had given me a broken hip. I could 
see Patti's arms waiving about as she was brought hard to the mat 
on her ass. Within seconds, Vivian Vachon's arms were around my 
chest again, pulling me up. This time she held me in the air and 
used her fingers to rake my face and blind my eyes. When she was 
through, she smashed my body to the ring. After hitting the mat, 
Patti reached out to grab my hands and we were able to get a grip 
on each other. Using what was left of our strength, Patti and I were 
able to pull each other together until the blondes were forced to let 
go of their scissors holds.

Joyce scowled as she took hold of Patti's right arm and twisted it up 
behind her back in a painful hammerlock. Patti winced and gritted 
her teeth as Joyce poured on the pressure. As Vivian Vachon tried 
to pick me up by the hair, I gave her a stunning smack to the belly. 
This enraged the strong blonde and she paid me back by holding 
my head and delivering a sharp knee lift to the face. She too, then, 
reached for an arm and began twisting and pulling with all of her 
might. I fought to get to my feet, but once there, Vivian Vachon 
wrapped her arm in mine in a punishing chicken wing. It was then 
that I realized what the girls had in mind and screamed out in fear 
as Joyce brought Patti's body over to where Vivian Vachon was 
holding me. The blondes gleefully smashed our bodies together in 
the center of the ring, holding us in place by twisting our arms while 
continuing to crush our bodies together.

Vivian Vachon had my head dug into Patti's ample chest and was 
leaning in on me with all of her weight. I could hear Patti's moans 
coming from deep within her beaten body. Joyce, too, was leaning 
on Patti from behind. I managed to get my head up next to Patti's 
and, although we were both screaming from the beating being 
administered by the tough blondes, I whispered in Patti's ear "one, 
two, three...."

On the count of three, Patti and I simultaneously lashed out with 
our forearms. The determined redhead quickly followed up with a 
punch to Joyce's breasts. Meanwhile, Vivian Vachon was on her 
knees pleading for mercy. I answered Vivian's pleas with a quick 
jab of my right boot to her lower abdomen. The longhaired blonde 
clutched herself while kneeling in the center of the ring. Before she 
could catch her breath, I grabbed a handful of blonde hair and 
tossed Vivian into the ropes. Coming off, I upended her and held 
the big blonde upside down with her crotch in my face and her legs 
shooting straight up toward the ring lights. Tired from the hard 
match, I rested my face against Vivian Vachon's tummy while I 
summoned up the strength to deliver a crushing pile driver. 
Vachon's only hope was to bite me and sure enough, I could feel 
her lips and teeth trying to get a grip on my upper left thigh. 
However, before she could get anything more than a nip, I let go of 
my feet, clamped my legs around her head and brought her head 
first down to the mat.

The pile driver knocked the fight out of the big blonde.  As I got to 
my feet, I realized that I could do anything I wanted to Vivian 
Vachon since she was totally helpless. I spread her motionless legs 
wide apart and came down with a knee to her stomach. I walked 
across her beaten body, stepping hard onto her exposed belly. I 
then picked Vachon up and gave her a dizzying airplane spin. 
When I figured that Vivian had suffered enough, I threw her out of 
the ring and out of the fight.

As I was looking down at Vivian Vachon's fallen form, I suddenly 
felt the crack of two wrestling boots smashing into my back. I 
realized that someone was trying to drop kick me out of the ring. I 
crashed near the ropes, but held myself in. When I turned around, I 
was shocked to find my so-called partner, Patti Neilsen, standing in 
front of me with her hands on her hips ready to fight. She had just 
thrown Joyce Grable out of the ring and the wounded blonde was 
walking dejectedly back to the dressing room.

"Well, now it's just you and me and I'm going to teach you a lesson 
that you'll never forget," said Patti as she slowly walked over to 
where I had fallen. "As for my promise," laughed Patti, "let's just 
say, never trust a lady wrestler." With that she thrust her legs into 
the air and caught me with a flying head scissors.

The 175-pound redhead had big strong legs. She held me with her 
upper thighs and my face was so deeply trapped in her legs that I 
couldn't even scream. I could hear Patti say "thanks for beating that 
blonde, Vachon. I hope you enjoyed it. Now I'm going to work you 
over good before throwing you out of the ring. Okay?" When I could 
not reply, Patti added insult to injury by asking, "what's the matter, 
cat got your tongue?"

Patti released her knees only to catch me in a side headlock. 
Holding my head in place with her strong right arm, Patti rubbed my 
eyes on the top rope and ran me across the ring. When we reached 
the corner, the big girl smashed my head into the top turnbuckle 
causing me to fall onto my knees in the corner. Holding my head in 
place with a hair pull, Patti raked my face with her knees. Then it 
was up again as the redhead pointed to the next corner and aimed 
my head for another trip into the buckles. Pulling my hair with her 
two hands, Patti dragged my face along the top rope until we 
neared the corner. She then pulled back hard and slammed my 
head into the top turnbuckle. This time, rather than just letting me 
fall to the mat, the big girl held me up with her strong arms and 
smashed my head again and again into the top turnbuckle. I was 
nearly unconscious when she finally let go.

"I give up. I quit. I quit. Please, please, I give up," I shouted. Patti 
replied by pulling my head back by the hair. "I'm sorry", said the 
redhead as she stared into my face, "but there are no submission in 
this match. The only way to end this fight is to be thrown out of the 
ring and I'm not ready to do that yet. You'll just have to take your 
beating."

Patti picked me up again and cradled my head on her hips with her 
right arm. "Hey, we haven't visited that corner yet, come on," yelled 
Patti as she pointed to the next corner with her free hand. This time 
Patti did not use the ropes, but pulled on my nose and raked my 
eyes with her fingers as she marched me over to the corner. When 
we got to the corner, Patti slammed my head into the top turnbuckle 
until I fell to my knees. She then kneeled down beside me and 
continued the beating by slamming my head over and over into the 
middle buckle. Seeing that I was almost out of it, the powerful 
woman stretched me out on the canvas in the corner. She then 
climbed up the ropes and after waiving to the audience, leaped off 
the top turnbuckle and landed on my midsection with both knees. 
Patti knelt down near my head and wrapped her strong arms 
around my neck in a sleeper hold. Although I tried at first to fight 
back, I slowly fell into unconsciousness. 

I was awakened outside the ring by one of the scantily clad lady 
ring attendants. "You're going to be all right," she whispered to me 
as she held my head in her arms. Still thinking I was in the match, I 
started to try to get up and fight. The attendant looked at me and 
said, "slow down boy, the fight is over, you'll have to get her some 
other time. But you didn't do so bad for your first fight."

Above me I could see Patti Neilsen jumping up and down in a 
girlish display of joy. She held her arms up in victory and blew 
kisses to the fans. Having been handed the ring microphone, Patti 
proclaimed, "I'm so glad I won this fight. When I had that last guy in 
trouble on the ropes, I could feel you all with me as I showed him 
who was the boss. I only wish you could all share in the wonderful 
experience of dishing out a physical beating to another wrestler, 
man or woman."