My Liberation By Brunners He tells his wife about his interest in female muscle This is a three-part posting fronm the newsgroup alt.amazon-women.admirers This is a repost of Part #1 I have been a closet member of this group for about 6 months and a closet admirer of female muscle for about 15 years (age 13-28). My admiration for female muscle began the first time that I saw Laura Combes. I couldn't believe the confidence and energy that radiated from her body. I had never seen a woman with a girl-next-door, all-American smile on top and a body of solid muscle and strength from the neck down. Here was a woman with the feminine features of an average woman combined with the raw power of a female lionness. I will never forget the two pictures that I carried around in my pocket for weeks, sneaking looks at them every chance I got. My favorite was an abdominal pose that covered from her head to her toes. I couldn't imagine what those stomach muscles must feel like. I thought about it day and night. Then, my first encounter with someone. My best friend and I were walking out of my house and the ab picture fell out of my pocket. My friend picked it up and said, "shit man, what the f*@k is wrong with her??". I said, "what do you mean, wrong with her?". He said, "chicks shouldn't have muscles like that, it's disgusting!!'. I countered, "But can you imagine how hard she had to work to look that strong and solid?" He yelled, "I think you're f*@ked in the head if you like that shit!!" Ah, my first encounter, and not my last...... I will now skip a couple of years to the first time that my parents found my little stash of pictures. At that point in my life (15-16), I was struggling with what I found sexually arousing. I had quite a collection of swimwear magazines and bodybuilding magazines. One day, I came home and my parents were sitting in the living room with their, "boy do we need to talk looks...". I sat down, and my dad said, "What is in your closet? I understand, and actually enjoyed looking at, the swimsuit magazines, but what is that other stuff? Do you like women with muscles?". My mother shot in, "How can you like that, it's disgusting what those women are doing to their bodies". What does a guy answer to this? I said, "I dunno mom..." and walked out the room. From that point on our household never discussed my little attraction. But of course, my older sister found out and started teasing me. "Feel my muscles... How do they hit their poses..". It wasn't pretty, but I endured. My preferences back then were also very confused (and still are to this day). During a Ms O. from the mid to late '80s, one minute I begged Bev Francis to hit one more most muscular and the next I couldn't believe the sensualness of Anja Langer. I admired Bev for her mass and power, but wanted Anja to be my wife and life-long companion. I had to fit into mainstream, and Anja was just beautiful, and not too muscular. No one really found out about my attraction for several years after that, but I would like to talk now about how my life has been affected by my admiration. A little bit about myself.. I am a fairly attractive guy who excelled in several sports and did quite well academically. I attended a large Pennsylvania state university and had several opportunities to date and mingle with women. But in the back of my mind, I kept saying, "she's not Sharon Arridlt" or "if only she had the body of Lisa Lorio". I always compared available women to my favorite bodybuilders. Then one weekend, I was visiting some friends at Indiana Univ. of PA. and I had my first (and only!!) encounter with a female bodybuilder. I imagine that anyone who follows the sport knows to whom I'm referring. About three blocks away walked an amazing specimen of a woman!! She had long, beautiful hair and a confident stroll. Her back was to me and she was walking away. She was in shorts and her hamstrings and glutes were glistening in the afternoon sun. One of my friends said, "look at the workout girl, isn't that the girl in your class, Steve?" My other friend said, "yeh, that's Michelle Ralabate". I wanted to run up and start talking to her, but I froze, what would I say? She stopped and I realized that I was going to pass her on the street. Just then, my friend said, "hey, we need to cut down this street!". My heart dropped.. I wasn't going to see her close up. I didn't have the balls to tell my friends that I had to see this perfect example of female grace and power. To this day, I regret it everytime that I see a picture of her. I still remember that day and the energy that radiated from her persona. I have never seen a female bodybuilder since, and probably never will. My life at this point evolved around female bodybuilding. I thought of nothing else and couldn't wait until the next issue of WPW would hit the stands. I had several ESPN shows on tape, but never had the guts to order a tape from WPW. I was now out of college and working in my hometown. I am a church going man with a strong Catholic faith. To this day, I have purchased only one WPW magazine, but have every single one in my collection. I have stolen all but one these out of fear of recognition. What if someone I knew saw me buying this magazine. Here is a 23 year old man making almost $40,000 in the sticks of PA, and he steals female muscle magazines!! It is sick, and in no way do I encourage or condone my actions. What a society that we live in, when a grown man is afraid to buy an over-the-counter, non-adult magazine. Evertime I steal one, I feel very bad and my self-esteem suffers for a day or two. Here I am threatening arrest, career damage, not to mention public humiliation, instead of just buying the magazine!! While I'm on the subject of career damage, etc.., I am typing this letter from work while I flip back and forth to the newsgroup pictures of Diana Dennis. This ends part #1.. This continues where part #1 left off. Part #1 covered my teenage and college years. I will now discuss my engagement amd married life as a closet female muscle worshiper. I met my wife while we were attending graduate school. She is a pretty, blonde hair, blue-eyed woman. She is 5'7 and weighs 145 pounds and her measurements are 34D (no silicone Apathy and ~Con) 27 36. So as you can tell, she has a full-figured, Marilyn Monroe type body, not a thin waif, and not heavy. But what first attracted me to her were her legs. She had large solid calves and thighs. She was very into exercising by running, light weightlifting, and aerobics. But her solidness and big legs came from many years of competitive swimming. During the time that we were dating, we lived apart from one another, so I never had to worry about my stash of videos or magazines. My parents were aware, albeit disapproving, of my attraction to muscular women, but my new girlfriend could never find out. What would she think? No one had ever acted understanding with me about this, let alone the woman that I had fallen in love with. We dated for about a year, got married, and lived in Pennsylvania. I never viewed my videos or looked at magazines while she was home. I built a small cubby-hole in our spare bedroom's closet to hide my collection. To this day, she tells me that she had no idea at this point that I admired muscular women. Then, we graduated and both got jobs in Richmond, VA. How in the hell was I going to move without being detected. I had dreams for about a week prior to our moving day. My wife, or mother-in-law, would scream and then say, "DJ, come here". I enter the room and everyone would be looking at my pictures with a, what's that smell, kind of look on their faces. I run out of the house and never see my wife again. For that week, I couldn't work effectively, my wife was home packing all of the boxes and could stumple upon everything. I was a mess!!! The move went without a hitch, and I continued to live the lie. My wife, at least once a week would say something like, "I love the honesty that we have in our relationship", or "this woman at work just found out such-and-such about her husband, isn't that terrible?". I would say yeh, and think, if only you knew a certain something about your husband. At the end of part #1, I said that I would address several items, but for brevity, I want to concentrate on my encounter with my wife. I discovered AAWA in June of 1997 and kept my comments to myself. I sent a couple of emails to apathy, con, and you Jabber, but I never posted out of fear of my wife somehow detecting it. Every once in a while, I would read a post that read something like this, "Getting engaged, have to sell everything", or "Moving in with my girlfriend, must dump my private collection". Every time that I would read one of these, I would think about doing it myself. Is my marriage worth my infatuation with female muscle. Hell no, but why can't they co-exist?! Each time I got close to disposing of everything, I would picture Susan Meyers lifting up her peach colored top and rolling down the tight bottoms and displaying her chiseled abs to die for. I would see Christa Bauch absorbing hard punches in the stomach, laugh about it, and then get a oil rub-down. I just couldn't bring myself to destroy or sell all that I have collected over the years. Then one day, I came home and I could just tell that something was wrong. My wife was sitting in the living room with a pile of mail in front of her. On top was an opened Mass Muscle flyer, displaying Nicole Bass in leather. My heart sunk, what the hell was I going to do?? I said, "what are you looking at, hun?". She said, "I was going to ask you the same question. I think that we need to talk.". I cursed myself, "Why the fuck didn't you get rid of everything like the other guys, had to think that you're special, didn't you??" I thought that I was going to have a heart attack. She then said, "are you attracted to this? Muscle women? Women squeezing men's heads between their thighs". A long pause.... "DJ, this woman on the cover looks like a man, do you find her attractive?" Side note: In no way do I mean to offend Nicole. I'm telling the story as it happened. How Nicole looks and wants to look is up to no one but Nicole. My wife was just stating her opinion. Another pause.... "Forget about this Nicole, do you find the average female bodybuilder or strong wrestler sexually arousing?" I took a couple of seconds and then stepped up to the plate, "yeh,... yeh I do". I will never forget what she said next........ "Why do you feel like you have to hide this from me?" What ???!!! No, "this is fuckin' disgusting, I can't believe that I married you!!" I replied, "I didn't think that you would understand" She said, "I'm your wife. If you love me, please go get everything like this that is currently in this house and bring it into the living room." I collected everything and brought it into the living room. She opened the first manilla envelope and dumped out 4-5 Women's Physique Worlds. She picked up one, opened it up to the middle, and pointed to Sue Price in a training shoot doing squats and bend-overs. "What do think about her?" I calmly said, "She's attractive to me". She asked, "More attractive than me?" I said, "She's attractive to me in a different way". (answer accepted) She asked that I leave the room for a couple of minutes. When I came back, it was obvious that she had browsed through just about everything. She said, "you know what upsets me, that you didn't tell me about this. You have been lying to me for 18 months now. I thought that we had a relationship based on trust? I thought I knew everything about you." I responded, "I didn't think that you'd understand" She said, "I don't understand it, but that doesn't matter". "What you like you like." Then she said the clincher that I will never forget, "Why are you embarrassed to tell your wife what sexually arouses you? This isn't child pornography for goodness sake. It certainly isn't illegal or anything. It's a group of women in skimpy clothes and bikinis who have large muscles. No one has the right to tell you what you should or should not find attractive. Society may, but I certainly won't". I couldn't believe what I was hearing.... She wasn't disgusted or judging me.. and better yet, she wasn't demanding that I destroy everything and never bring anything like it into the house ever again. After several minutes of silence and thought, she ended that day's conversation with the following statement, "I love you, DJ. I love you just the way you are. I'm excited about this." I said, "What??" She said, "We could use this to enhance our sex life." This ends part #2 Thank you to all of the members of this group who sent me email requesting that I finish my story. I hope that someone benefits from it. I have posted the first two parts again for members who have missed them and emailed me. This third part is very personal and actually very embarrasing to tell. But, I wish that I could have read something like this years ago. When part #2 ended, my wife mentioned that we could use my attraction to enhance our sex life. At the time, I didn't pursue it, and quite honestly wanted the conversation to end. But that night when I went to bed, I felt different that I had for a long time. I had confronted probably my biggest fear and come out of it unharmed. My wife knew about the female muscle, had seen my entire collection, and still loved me just the same. This came out differently than I had dreamt it thousands of times. The only thing that she was upset about was the fact that I had "lied' to her for three years. She was now relieved to the fact that I could look her in the eyes and tell her that I really didn't have any other secrets. I still haven't told others about my attraction, but that day will certainly come. The most important person in my life now knew and didn't care.......... About a week later, my wife asked me to see one of my videos. I thought to myself, "who would be a good person to show her"? Christa Bauch (no way, too ripped); Susan Meyers (pretty, but still a little too muscular to start with), then it hit me... Diana Dennis. I rewound her WPW video to a spot where she is wearing a red, one-piece along side a pool. I started the tape and then watched my wife. Her head swayed back and forth very slowly as she intently watched the screen. Diana elegantly walked onto the scene and began her posing. My wife said, "boy that is some swimsuit they have her in". I said nothing and let the tape continue. She then said, "she does move very gracefully for having that much muscle". I again remained quiet. Then she said, "this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. This lady is pretty and does have a nice body". I said, "yeh, she does". She then said, "how many of these women do you have on tape"? I told her maybe ten. She asked, "is she your favorite"? I answered, "I dunno, I just thought that Diana would be the best to start you off with". Then she asked the question that I'm sure all of knew would eventually come out of her mouth, "have you ever touched yourself while watching this video"? I was shocked and embarassed, and said, "Shit, I'm not answering that". She smiled, "you just did. Stop the tape". Before any of you people who are still in denial or are offended by this and feel the need to comment on this part of the story, please look into the mirror first. I doubt that Ray Martin or WPW sell many videos to guys who just watch them like a football game. They shoot the videos in a very sexual manner for just this purpose. Of course I'm embarrassed to talk about it, but it is human nature. I'm sure that the women are aware of this before they decide to shoot the video (if I'm wrong, please let me know). She asked me, "why are you embarassed to talk about masturbation, everyone does it"? I replied, "it's something that is private, not to be openly discussed". What she said next floored me, "but if you're occasonally satisfying yourself with these muscle women, I want to be involved". Before I go into detail about this, I feel like I should step back and tell a little bit about our relationship. My wife, as I stated before, is a very beautiful, shapely, and fit woman. She is an ex-swimmer and still exercises 3-4 times a week. But, I've never had the sexual drive that most men would have being married to her. And we just found out why.. some of my drive was being channeled to the muscle women. So, my wife, who had felt slightly neglected, now was excited to find out that it wasn't her fault that we weren't doing it like rabbits. We now explored ways to use my attraction to help us. Before I get into this, my wife asked me to not get too specific as to what exactly we do. Therefore, I will leave some of it up to your imaginations. Guys, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to bite off the hand that "feeds" me. There are really three ways that my liberation has contributed to a healthier life. The first way is the contributions that my wife has made to my collection. For example, one night, I was in the bedroom reading, and she yelled, "Honey, come her, you might want to see this". I went to the living room and she was watching a bodybuilding show. It was the NPC Nationals and it had just started. She said, "aren't you going to tape this"? I was in shock. Another example would be for my birthday, she got me a lifetime membership to the National Bodybuilding and Fitness Video club. I picked out my 8 videos and they began to arrive two at a time. Each time, my wife would hype up the fact that they arrived. Secondly, as a means of foreplay. If my wife is feeling particularly frisky and I'm not, she may surprise me by turning on one of my videos in the middle of a Seinfeld rerun or slip a couple of photos into the TV Guide for that day. When I find these things, I smile and just can't believe the way that I lived the past 15 years. Here was the woman that I loved encouraging me to fantasize about muscular women. This alone usually arouses me, but coupled with a little encouragement from a helping hand, we are usually off to the races within 5 minutes. The third way is that, as I mentioned before, my wife was a competitive swimmer and is still quite active in exercise. From all of her swimming, she has 21 inch thighs that are pretty strong. Now, before LTF and others jump on me, I realize that they are not nearly as strong as Theresa Bosticks or Karla Nelsons. But, as a married man, I will never experience the feeling of those women's power. A session with one of these women would probably be the end of my marriage, and it isn't worth pursuing. So, I make due with what I have access to and it makes me very happy. Anyway, since my wife is now aware of my attraction to wrestlers squeezing their "opponents" with head and body scissors, she has incorporated this into our love-making. In the traditional style, the woman simply has to lift her legs up and she has a natural body scissors on you. So, we now end most love-making sessions with me being squeezed in a pretty strong body scissors. The feeling is, well let's just say, very nice!!!! The combination of the body scissors hurting my ribs and stomach with the natural love-making is beyond description. In closing out this part of my life story, I believe that my liberation is the one thing that over the past 15 years has contributed the most to my happiness and emotional well-being. If anyone would like to discuss this further, or is considering liberating themselves, please post something or send me an email. This took a lot of work and is very personal in nature, but I believe that several members of this group will benefit from it. I am considering a fourth part that will address my wife's recent sympathies for the treatment of women bodybuilders and their admirers in the media and by everyday people. She has witnessed several incidents on ESPN and at parties where muscular women and men who find them attractive were ridiculed and put down. She now has a new perspective on this and it was interesting to see her transformation. She also commented that now she can see why people are hesitant to mention that they find women bodybuilders to be attractive.