The lady and the lake By Eltoro Eltoro meets a Valkyrie Just another boring day in Illinois. Not much to do but sit here and mindlessly watch television. Then the phone rings. "Hello" "Yeessirr! This is Super Super Sports calling. Can I have a moment of your time?" "Are you selling something?" "No. I am calling to give you something. Your name has been drawn as the grand prize winner in our customer appreciation drawing. You are a winner!" "Don't tell me, I've won a pair of inline skates. Well, I am 42 and..." "Hardly. You have won our grand prize, $10,000.00!" "Great!!" Two weeks later the postman arrived with my certified check. Super Super Sports was kind enough to send Uncle Sam his fair share, so I wound up with $6700.00. Not bad. What to do now. Save it? No way! I'm going to treat myself to something different. Something I've never done before. I'll go abroad. Never been out of this country, and this is a golden opportunity. I hustle down to the local travel agency and start looking through brochures. All of these places look so neat. Where will I go? I know! England! I have always wanted to see that big clock and the guards with the fuzzy hats. I'm going! The travel agent took care of everything. In a month, I would be on my way. Couldn't wait. Finally the day arrived. I hate flying. Have to be at the airport one hour in advance of departure. Stop in Minneapolis. Then to New York. Then to London. This would take forever. Maybe I will be able to sleep most of the flight over. No such luck. A big ole guy sits down in the seat next to me, and right away starts talking. He is going back home to England. He has been in America visiting his daughter. She had met an American serving part of his stint in the military in London. They fell in love, and she followed him back to the States, where they got married. He is a big guy, and very British. He sure could talk. Seemed like he could talk for five or six minutes straight without taking a breath. Ignoring him did no good, he just kept talking. "Where are you goin?" he asked. "To London." I answered. "Business?" "Pleasure." "Been there before?" "First time." "Make sure you take in Buckingham Palace and big Ben." "I hope the fog is not too bad when we arrive." "Fog? You watch to many movies. No more fog there than ere." "What else should I see?" "Well, there are so many things. This being your first time there, everything will be new. You should have no trouble finding things to do or see." "Do you have any haunted castles there?" "Not that I know of. There is a magical place I know of. If you are lucky, you may find it. Only if you are very lucky though." "Can you take me to it?" "No, but I will show you how to get there." With that, he proceeded to draw me a map outlining how I would find this "magical" place. As he drew, I fell asleep. I woke up as the plane touched down. My new found friend was waiting patiently, with a piece of paper rolled up in his hand. As the plane rolled to a stop, he was explaining the different landmarks on the map he had just drawn. He told me of a long road, a big forest, a rainbow of rabbits, a talking lake, and a beautiful lady. He stood as the plane stopped, looked back over his shoulder, gave me a wink, told me to enjoy my stay, then disappeared out the exit. I would only be here a week, and wanted to make the most of it. I rented a car, and drove somewhere every day. So much to see, and so little time. Before I noticed, the sun was setting on the sixth day. One more full day here in England, then early the next morning I would be headed back to America. I had not yet looked at the map or tried to find the place he spoke of. I wanted to save that for the last day. Figured he was pulling a joke on an American. Figured I would just be wasting time. I was pretty lucky to win that drawing and be here anyway, so if he fooled me, so what? Early that last day I jumped in the car and started driving. Sure was weird driving on the wrong side of the road. As I drove I looked hard for the signs he had drawn on the map. Didn't want to get lost. I followed the signs he had drawn. Man this map was accurate. Everthing he had drawn I had found. I made my last turn, and the map now showed a long strip of road with a forest off to the left. Can't miss it! An hour later I am still driving down that long road looking for that forest I can not miss. I was trying hard not to let myself be convinced this was just a waste of time. Losing this battle, I decided that the next convenient place I could find to turn around would be my next move. I hated to give up, as the map had been so accurate, but this was turning into a waste of time. Driving for another twenty minutes did not produce a forest or a good place to turn around. This road was very narrow, with deep ditches on both sides of the road. I had to be lost, as I had not seen another car for at least an hour, maybe two. Suddenly, there it was. A big forest, deep. Tall green trees. I stop the car. No wind. Not a sound. Looking at the map again makes me wonder what a rainbow of rabbits is. A talking lake? A beautiful woman? No way. This is a big joke. The Dr. Pepper I drank before starting this drive was finally filtering through. Before starting the drive back, I would go a short way into the trees and let nature take its course. Get back to the hotel and get a good night of sleep. Damn that old guy. He was probably sitting in a pub telling his friends how he had suckered a yank. Looking around to be sure nobody is in these trees having a picnic, I begin the process. As I am finishing, I am amazed by what I am now seeing. Fifteen, maybe twenty rabbits are playing in the grass about fifty feet from where I am standing. I walk toward them, slowly and quietly, not wanting to disturb their play. As I approach, I notice that all of the rabbits are snow white, and they all have different colored tails. Red, blue, yellow, green, purple, and violet. Odd! Now they have heard me, and stop playing. Rather than run from me, they sit and look at me. One hops toward me, gets within a few feet, then hops back toward the group. I stand and stare. He does this again. I do not move, and he does this again. Apparently he wants me to follow. So I do. The entire group is now hopping in unison, leading me through this forest. They hop slow to let me follow, and follow I do. We break into a clearing, and are now standing at the shore of a lake. The rabbits hop over to a patch of grass and all begin to eat. I look around the area, and see nothing that makes me think any people are ever out here. Time for me to call an end to this adventure. Noticing my shoe is untied, I kneel down and tie the knot. I am standing in an area that has a bunch of flat rocks, perfect for skipping across this lake. Hadn't done any rock skipping since I was a kid. Why not now? All of the rocks were the same size. Two inch diameter and about one half inch thick. I couldn't make better skipping rocks if I tried. I pick one up and throw it across the lake. Skip, skip, skip, skip. This rock kept going and going, twenty five skips, finally losing momentum and falling into the lake. I bend down to pick up another rock, when I hear a voice say "thank you." Looking around, all that I see is this lake and those rabbits. What's going on here? Not only am I wasting time, I am probably lost, and now I'm hearing things. I will throw a few more rocks and get out of here. The next rock is skipping across the lake, at least twenty five skips, then falls into the water. I hold my breath, straining to hear that voice again. "Thank you." "Who are you?" "A better question, who are you, and why are you here?" "Where are you?" "Right in front of you. I am the lake." "The lake? You can talk?" "Apparently. You are answering." "Why are you thanking me?" "Just like you I need my vitamins and minerals. Thank you for the minerals." "Would you like some more?" "Certainly." Throwing the rocks, I am now asking myself which is harder to believe, that I am in England feeding a lake, or that the lake is thanking me for the feeding? After each rock, the lake politely says thank you. Until now. "Welcome Diana." "Diana? I'm not Diana." "You are correct. You are not. I am." Startled by the voice behind me, I jump around and find myself face to face with the biggest horse I've ever seen. Ten feet tall, and gray as granite. He stands there staring back at me. Just staring. Not moving. Not blinking. Not breathing. Just staring. He slowly starts to lower his head, keeping his eyes fixed on my chest. I can now see that this horse has a rider, and what a rider she is. Blonde hair, down to her waist. A shield strapped to her back and a sword hanging from her hip. Wearing a leather riding outfit, but not wearing gloves or shoes. She must be from California. "Welcome to my forest. I am Diana." "Hi." "Anyone invited to my forest may visit for free. All others are required to pay." "What is the fee Diana?" "Lick my toes." Looking up at her, I notice that her lips are painted blood red, and her eyes are the same shade of gray as the horse. She motions for me to come closer to her. I comply. She raises her foot to the bottom of my chin, and softly rubs her toes up and down my neck. I do like this. She now raises her foot, and parts my lips with her toes. I slap her foot from my mouth. "Were you invited?" "No." "Then you owe me!" "Owe you what?" "Lick my toes!" I look down at her feet and think it will not be that bad. Why not? Then I notice that the nails on both of her big toes have the Union Jack painted on them. Now I know it is time for me to go. She is a strange one. "Sorry Diana. Not today." "Apparently you do not understand. I am not asking. I am demanding. LICK MY TOES!!" "Make me!" "Sweetie, I like men. I do not want to hurt men. You need to be taught to respect the Valkyries though, so I will make an exception for you. We will fight, and after you are beaten, you will lick my toes." "What if you lose Diana?" "Don't worry sweetie. I won't!" She reaches up on her back and removes the shield, and places it on the ground. Next she loosens the buckle holding the sword to her hip, and lowers it to the ground. She then jumps from the horse, and commands the horse to move back. She tells me to remove my shoes and prepare to fight. She is not tall. She is very athletic looking. Broad shoulders and a narrow waist. As I remove my shoes and socks, she is pulling on a pair of gloves. This is strange. The gloves she is putting on have another pair of gloves sewn to them, palm to palm. All of the fingers have been cut away from the gloves. She now has the gloves on her hands, and extends her arms toward me, and tells me to put my hands in the other pair of gloves. I do, all the while growing anxious to start this contest. The gloves are now on, and our fingers interlock. "Save yourself some pain sweetie and lick my toes." "Not now Diana. Soon, I will make you lick mine." "Are you ready to begin?" "Yes!" The fight begins. We both tighten our grip, and try to force the other to their knees. She is tremendously strong for a little woman. I can make no advance. Her grip is holding firm. I kick to her ribs. She kicks to my chest. Being taller, I push her back, trying to force her to the ground. She plants her foot fimly into my stomach, and rolls back, forcing me over her body. Now we are both on our backs on the ground. Rolling to our sides, we both regain our feet. Now it is my turn. I stick my foot into her stomach and roll back hard, throwing her over my head and onto her back. We now roll opposite directions and struggle to our feet. Facing each other, hands crossed in front, we push and pull each other trying to gain an advantage. We struggle intensely, both determined to win. We are both getting tired, but refuse to quit. I sense she is leaning back to try and pull me forward and flip me to my back, so I brace myself. Insted of pulling me towards her, she jumps forward into me, her knees crashing into my chest. I fall back from the blow, and we crash to the ground. Landind on top of me she keeps her balance by placing her knees on each side of my chest, and forcing my hands above my head. I try to throw her off by planting my feet and forcing my hips up, but she counters by sliding down my chest and sitting on my neck. Next she jerks my hands back behind my neck. Placing her foot on my chin, and keeping our hands forced behind my neck, she pulls up and toward her. Tired and beaten, and afraid she will break my neck, I surrender. She instantly changes from a warrior trying to tear me in half to the very gentle person I first met. I am too tired to get back to my feet, but she is not even breathing hard. Stick a fork in me as I am done. Walking over to a big rock, she sits down and props her feet up. Like a queen on a throne. "Are you now ready to lick my toes sweetie?" I drop to my knees and lick her toes, and her heels, and her soles. Being too tired to resist, and too beaten to fight again, what choice do I have? Believe it or not, it wasn't that bad. She is now satisfied, and tells me I can stop. She then throws the shield back over her shoulders, and the sword back on her hip. "Next time sweetie, do as you are told. Always remember, do as a Valkyrie commands, and you will not be hurt." She whispers a word to the horse, and he turns and trots away. "Goodbye Diana." the lake calls out. I skip another stone into the lake, but get no reply. The rabbits have left, and I have no idea how to get out of these woods. I find a path, and had the good fortune to find a path that led to the road I had come up on. Looking up and down the road, I spotted the outline of my rental. I barely had the strength to get to the car, but did make it. Getting back to the hotel, I fell into the bed. Exhausted. Slept like a baby. Lucky to wake up in time to get to the airport. Fell asleep on the plane too. I was still worn out from the encounter with Diana. I am now saving my money for a return trip to England. Hard for this male ego to accept losing to a woman. Looking for a rematch. Wouldn't you?