What Gaul! A Rick’n’Jen Comic Script by Madison Marbury madisonmarbury@hotmail.com Panel 1 Rick and Jen sit wearily, grumpily, in a booth in a greasy spoon, perusing some menus. Jen: Ergh! Ten hours in the car…. Does your sister have to live directly in the middle of nowhere? Rick: They looked on the outskirts of nowhere- but it’s all gentrified. Panel 2 Focus on Jen, rubbing her forehead as she reads. Through the window in the background, we see a road sign: “Welcome To Grumpnubble! We put the Second A in CAROLINA!” Jen: God I’m hungry! I can’t wait to wrap my teeth around a great big burger and… Panel 3 Close on menu. Jen reads the print and is taken aback. Jen: (reading) Freedom fries? Panel 4 The waitress has approached the table. Jen is consternated. Jen: What the hell’s a “freedom fry”? Waitress: American shoestring potatoes, patriotically deep-cooked in American grease, covered with American salt- Panel 5 Rick: Non-kosher, I’m guessing. Waitress: -and served in a red-white-and-blue paper bag. Jen: While the chef sings “Yankee Doodle Dandy”? Waitress: I’ll check. Panel 5 Jen: Thanks, but I’m a traditionalist. Big mound of french fries, please. Panel 6 The diner, filled with truckers and bill-hillies, breathes a collective GASP! As everyone turns as one to stare at Jen and Rick, both startled at the attention. Panel 7 A crowd of four big, burly truckers surrounds the booth as Rick and Jen cringe in the corner. Bobby Boy: Ay Billy, Barty, Bevis! Lookie here, a couple of FRANCE LOVIN’ BENEDICT ARNOLDS! Jen: But- they’re just french fries. Panel 8 Close on the four truckers, infuriated. Barty Boy: Nothing’s “just” French fries! Bevis Boy: Yeah! France sucks! Billy Boy: They’re a stupid weak country of effeminazis whut never done nothing but make whine! Bobby Boy: And until they stop getting’ in the way of our boy’s whuppin’ Sadman Whose-is-name, we is gonna stomp on ALL FRENCH THINGS TIL THEY AIN’T NO MORE! Panel 9 Rick: OK- but, you DO know french fries aren’t French, right? Panel 10 The mob stops, perplexed. Billy Boy: Huh? Bobby Boy: Whaddaya mean? Jen: He’s right. “French” just means to cut into strips. Barty Boy: So- anything cut into strips is French? Panel 11 The mob now starts going through the restaurant, checking diner’s plates and throwing certain ones into plastic garbage bags. Bobby Boy: Damn. ALLRIGHT BOYS, YOU HEARD’EM! Barty Boy: Lessee-cole slaw- guess that’s French now. Bevis Boy: Hash browns suck! Billy Boy: Aw no! Et tu, fajitas? Panel 12 Jen is now fully angry. She waves her arms and rants. Jen: Look, this is madness! It’s BIGOTRY! You can’t just say all French things are bad! Hell, I’M one- quarter French! Panel 13 Everyone in the restaurant stares evilly at Jen. Jen and Rick cower together. Rick: You really don’t think before you speak, do you. Jen: Erp! Panel 14 Bobby and Bevis hold a struggling Rick, who watches in horror as Barty and Billy simultaneously punch Jen from either side. Their fists compress her head like a vise. Blood and teeth fly. Bobby Boy: Send her back to Paris, boys! Panel 15 Exterior of the diner. We see Jen CRASH through the window, lifeless. Panel 16 Jen, her face bloodied and swollen, lands amidst broken glass at someone’s feet. Unknown Woman #1: Mon dieu! Panel 17 Back in the diner, they start working over Rick. He hangs listlessly but they hold him up. Bevis beats him with a tire iron. Bevis Boy: Hitting people with a tire iron rules! Barty Boy: Hey, let’s make him face an American flag while we whops him! Billy Boy: Or better! A bottle of Budweiser! Panel 18: Outside. Three unknown women now surround the unconscious, bleeding Jen, but they’re mostly out of frame. One of them sees a can sticking out of Jen’s blouse, and reaches for it. Unknown #2: Alas. She is too far gone. Au revoir, my friend. Unknown #3. Wait! What is this? Panel 19 The hand holds up a can of “EPINARD“. An asterisk guides us to a legend below. Legend: “That’s French… for SPINACH!” Panel 20 The hand pours the can into Jen’s mouth. Unknown #3: Yes, my friend, there may be some fight left in you after all! Panel 21a - Jen swallows. Panel 21 b - Jen leaps to life, fists clenched, chest out, energy leaping from her body. Panel 22 Jen flexes. On her bicep is the Liberte, Fraternite, Egalite woman. A ribbon of music plays behind her. Unknown #1: Sacre Bleu! Who is playing La Marseillaise? Unknown #2: Never mind that- I believe the lady has some justice to mete. Panel 23 Interior of diner. As the patrons hold Rick and beat his stomach, the doors go flying as buff Jen kicks the door down. Bobby Boy: Hey, look! Frenchy’s back for seconds! Panel 24 Rick lifts his head, as he sees he is being rescued. Rick: But look who’s with her! Panel 25 Posed in the doorway are the three unknown ladies. Rick, off-screen, identifies. Rick: Collette Guimond! Cathey Le Francois! And Maryse Manios! Panel 26 The diner is filled with people staring blankly. They have no idea who those people are. Panel 27 Barty Boy: OK, so, what are you? Bakers? Maids? Prostitutes, or what? Bevis Boy: French prostitutes kick ass! Panel 28 Cathey: We were on our way to a Bodybuilding Expo in Atlanta. Collette: But since you boys seem so ill-schooled… Maryse: We thought we’d stop in and give you a little history lesson. Panel 29 Jen clutches Bobby by the collar and lifts him up, threateningly. Jen: Whilst I gives ya a little FISTory lesson! EN GARDE! Bobby: Aw, merde. Panel 30 In this panel, Jen delivers a catastrophic right hook to Bevis, whose head snaps back as he goes flying. Inserted in a circle in the lower left is Maryse Manios, dressed in a graduation robe and cap, lifting the robe ever so slightly to do a sexy quad and ab flex as she delivers her French lesson in a legend box. Maryse: France is the oldest republic in Europe. During the American Revolution, France provided vital monetary AND military assistance to the colonies. Without the French navy blocking their escape, the Redcoats would never have surrendered at Yorktown! Panel 31 Cathy La Francois, in big horn-rimmed glasses and a sleeveless, ripped lab coat, shows off her triceps and pecs in a circle in the upper right, as she gives her legend box across the top of the panel. In the panel below, Jen delivers a DDT on top of a formica table to Barty Boy. Cathey: You think France doesn’t make anything? Try planes! Trains! And automobiles! Chemicals! Textiles! Pharmecuticals! France has so much industry, it’s the 4th largest GNP in the world, and exports FAR more than it imports! Panel 32 Jen has Billy slumped with his head under a spinning stool. She delivers an uppercut driving his head with such force it cracks the seat off. Collette, in Catholic schoolgirl uniform, runs her hand through her curly red hair and displays her meaty bicep as she teaches. Collette: As a French Canadian, I respect that France has the highest literacy rate in the world! What else can one expect from a country that produced such intellectual giants as Voltaire, Marie Curie, Claude Monet, DesCartes, Matisse, Rousseau, and Jean Paul Sartre! Panel 33 Jen’s lightning fists work over Bobby’s face- Bobby is facing away from us, so we just see his mussed hair, flying spit/blood, and his head and body reeling back from the blows. Jen: No wonder the colors of the French and American flags are the same! Panel 34 Bobby’s Boy’s beaten face has three vertical sections that parallel the French flag, pointed out helpfully by label boxes: = RED bloody mess = WHITE as a sheet = Black and BLUE! Panel 35 The other three beaten bumpkins are now lined up behind Bobby. Jen delivers a terrible blow to Bobby’s paunch, the force so mighty that momentum carries it through to all four. They all double over in agony. Jen: THIS is for the one-fourth of my heritage you lug-witted hate-mongers disparaged! Panel 36 Jen holds all four of the defeated men in a pile on her left hand, while her right hand rears back and twirls, preparing the final blow. Jen: And THIS is for the 100% American you insulted by having the GALL to take your prejudiced ignorance and call it patriotism! Panel 37 WHAM! The bullies are socked through the ceiling, leaving a big hole, and continue off into the distance. Panel 38 The bullies are socked all the way to the Statue of Liberty, where they land on her tablet. Legend: Lady Liberty - symbol of America- gift from the FRENCH! Panel 39 The Statue starts spanking the bullies with her torch. The bullies cry. Lady Liberty: Sacre Bleu! Such naughty boys! Bullies: Waaaah! Panel 40 Maryse and Collette hold Jen on their shoulders in triumph. They all do a bicep flex as Jen sings. In the foreground, Rick chats with Cathey. Jen: In French or in English I’ll still eats me spinach Says Jennifer Silvermann! Rick: So do you guys put cream sauce on your MetRx bars? Cathey: Only the snail-flavored ones. Rick: Touche! Legend: FIN!