Country Broad?! Take Me Home! A Rick'n'Jen Comic Script by Madison Marbury madisonmarbury@hotmail.com Panel 1 A country hillside, springtime. A convertible drives up a windy road. Jen: Did you bring the sunblock? Rick: Yes. Jen: Calomine lotion? Rick: Yes. Jen: Insect repellent? Rick: YES! Panel 2 A clearing. In the foreground left is a solid piece of firewood, set up to be split. In the background is a rickety fence and the road. Jen and Rick's dialogue come from off-screen right as the car approaches. Jen: I just know something's going to ruin our picnic in the country! Rick: You worry too much! Jen: Worry, hell. Panel 3 Same setting. A burly woman's hand whips an axe down on the firewood with tremendous force, and WHACKS the wood apart. The car drives through the shot in back. Jen: This is dread. Panel 4 Close up of Rick driving, posing. He looks utopianly handsome. Rick: Hey babe, you talk like we're gonna run into another muscle-bound woman who's gonna beat you up and run away with me! Panel 5 The car drives off into the distance. Foreground right, we see a broad- backed, musclebound country girl with Emmy Mae hair, clutching an axe to her chest and staring dreamily out after the receding car, hearts flitting around her head. Rick: C'mon! What are the odds of THAT?! Panel 6 POV is from a bush, where the country girl (ETHYL) lustfully spies on Rick and Jen. At a picnic table, Jen rummages through a picnic basket as Rick wearily puts up with her, head slumped in his hand. He is within grabbing distance of the bush. Jen: Canteen? Rick: Yes. Jen: Hydrocortizone? Rick: Yes. Jen: Bee venom antidote? Panel 7 A hand from the bushes reaches out and grabs Rick, pulling him in mid- sentence as he displays a can of something. Rick: Yeah, and I even brought that friggin' can of WHOAP! Panel 8 One-shot of Jen, raising her head from the basket. Jen: Can of whoap? Is that like a can of whoap-ass? Panel 9 Jen peers behind the bushes, where Ethyl has pinned a struggling Rick, pushed his shirt up and lustfully licks his nipple. Rick is terrified. Jen: HEY!! Panel 10 Jen is in Ethyl's face, furious. Jen is much smaller. Ethyl scowls back. Jen: You better get your hillbilly ass back home before I put it in a city hospital, hick! Jen: (thought) Thank god Rick remembered to bring the whoap! Panel 11 Close on the ladies' wrists. Ethyl grabs Jen's wrist in a grip of iron and bends it at a bad angle. Ethyl: Ya'll ain't in the city no more, bitch. Jen: Erp! Panel 13 Ethyl's meaty fist meets Jen's pretty face. WHAP! Blood flies. Jen: UNGH! Ethyl: Simmer down, sugar. This won't take long. Jen: [thought] Can't. reach. whoap! Panel 14 Jen is barely conscious. Ethyl dangles Jen by her wrist over a tree stump. Ethyl: Awww. I thought you city folks was smart. Panels 15a-c Ethyl repeatedly drives Jen's own fist down on Jen's head. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! The colossal force hammers Jen down into the stump, where her untied arm is pinned to her side. Ethyl: Yet here's li'l ol' me. STUMPIN' ya! Panel 16 Ethyl, still holding Jen, lustfully grabs Rick by the pants with her free hand. He clambers to get away but can't. Ethyl: Ooo, you a squirmy one, aintcha pumpkin? Let's you and me make a young'n! Panel 18 Ethyl eyes a big bulge in Rick's pants. She feels it and smiles. Rick reaches down his pants. Ethyl: Ooo. are you glad to see me?! Rick: No. Panel 19 Rick pulls out. Rick: It's just a can of spinach in my pocket. Panel 20 Rick pours the contents over Ethyl's surprised shoulder and into Jen's mouth. Panel 21a Jen swallows. Panel 21b Jen's pinned arm bursts up from the stump, which explodes. Jen other hand grabs Ethyl's forearm tight. Ethyl is in shock. Ethyl: HUH?! Panel 22 Jen swings her over her head. Jen: Grab your partner. Ethyl: WHOAP! Panel 23 .then drives her down head-first onto her flexed, veined, rock-hard bicep. Ethyl collapses like an accordion. CRUNCH! Jen: Do-see-D'OH! Panel 24a Jen is in a boxer's crouch. She whips a viscious left cross across a helpless Ethyl's chin. She snaps back. Jen: Promenade LEFT! Panel 24b Same, Jen serves a viscious right. Jen: Promenade RIGHT! Panel 25 Ethyl hangs limply. Her hair, face a bloody mess. Jen twirls her fist behind her. Jen: Knock your partner out of SIGHT! Panel 26 Jen delivers a final blow that launches Ethyl in the air. WHAM! Panel 27 We see the earth from space, as Ethyl crashes into a Russian satellite. Panel 28 A cosmonaut reacts to the unconscious woman whose head now pokes through his floor. Cosmonaut: [Cyrillic gibberish] Translation: Damn Russian Space Program gets cheaper every year! Panel 28 Jen is singing, triumphant, flexing. Rick interrupts in the background. Jen: o/~You can't have a picnic If you don't bring spinach Says- o/~ Rick: "Spinach" doesn't rhyme with "picnic". Panel 29 Jen wallops Rick. SMACK! Jen: Neither does "head trauma". Which do you prefer? Rick: Ow! FIN