The Beau Schmoe Show A comic script by Madison Marbury madisonmarbury@hotmail.com 1 Beau Schmoe sits in a motorboat, gazing dreamily on a deserted island approaching on the horizon. Legend: Beau don’t know! Beau: Sweet. A free vacation in paradise, and all I gotsta do is eat bugs in prime time! Legend: He thinks he’s on a reality show… 2 But back in Joe’s messy apartment, the producers of the show are rummaging through his drawers, his PC, and his address book. Legend: What he doesn’t know… is we checked his credit records… his cashed checks… his personal address book. Producer #1: $800 on WPW Videos? Producer #2: Faas… Bauch… Von Mott? Producer #3: Why… this guy’s a female muscle fanatic! 3 Beau is on the shore with his bag as the boat motors away. Legend: So we’re trapping him on a desert island... Beau: When do I pretend to be a millionaire, and sing stale pop songs for Paula Abdul? 4 On the shore, waiting for him, is Angie, a cut fitness competitor in a black bikini. Her abs are deep, her arm bulges a bit as she waves at him and smiles. Beau double-takes. Legend: With this woman! Angie: Hi there. Beau: Huh? 5 Jogging along the beach in sports bra, shorts, sunglasses, baseball hat and pigtail, is Billie, amateur middleweight. She smiles as she sees him. Legend: And this woman! Billie: Hey Cass! Look what washed ashore! Beau: Hwaah?! 6 Approaching him in a sarong is the largest, buffest heavyweight he’s ever seen. Behind her two smaller women are at a picnic table arm wrestling. Legend: And this woman! Cassie: Oh good! You can referee the arm wrestling contest! Beau: Ooooooh… 7 The twelve women pose in their group picture- the divide is obvious. The models give sideward glances of disdain to the athletes. Legend: Six buff single women! Six scrawny lingerie models! Legend: He’ll be searching for his dream woman. 8 A fabulous model presents the great big treasure chest, inside of which is a very small check is inside. Legend: And the one he chooses wins more money than ten women’s bodybuilding contests put together! Legend: That’s right! $2,000! 9 Legend: But he’ll have to do it… A panel of stern people stare at him. They are labeled “Beau’s Co-Workers”, “Beau’s Friends”, “Beau’s Parents”. Beau sees them and shakes in his boots. Legend: In front of THIS peer group! 10 Beau’s parents have a heart-to-heart with their very nervous and apprehensive son. Legend: Would you pursue your secret fantasy… if it meant doing it ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! Beau’s Mom: Oh dear. You’re not cherishing a non-traditional ideal of feminine beauty, are you? Beau’s Dad: Because if you are… we’ll have to stop loving you. 11 Denise the lingerie model tugs at Beau, as a scowling Angie raises her hand to swat her away. Beau tries to conceal his arousal while casting a wary eye on his folks in the background. Legend: What will win? Beau’s shame? Or his LUST? Denise: C’mon, Beau! Rub lotion on me! Angie: Back off, skank! Beau’s giving me a back massage! Beau: Please- not in front of my parents. 12 In a “tribal council” sort of setting, Beau sheepishly stands with the host as he reveals the vote. Freida is one of the bodybuilders. Legend: And what will he do when he has to kick one of his dreamgirls off the island? Host: The first person voted off… Freida. Freida: WHAT?! Why you backstabbing little-! Host: Freida, it’s time for you to say your goodbyes to Beau. 13 Freida leaps at Beau, landing a right cross to the mouth. Freida: It’s time for Beau to say goodbyes to his TEETH! 14 In an American living room, a girl and her boyfriend are watching the show. The boyfriend is as close to the TV as he can get, staring longingly at the screen. Legend: He thinks it’s too good to be true- but the joke’s on him! Legend: Laugh at him! Go on! MOCK THE FREAK! Girl at Home Watching TV: Ha. We are so much better than him. Right Allan? Girl at Home Watching TV: Allan? 15 Legend: The Beau Schmoe Show! Beau don’t know! In a mud pit, scantily clad muscle girls and models brawl, Beua’s mother looks on worriedly, and a pathetic Beau with a black eye kneels helplessly in the middle. Legend: Idiot.