Two Weddings and a Funeral
A Rick N’Jen comic by Madison Marbury
madisonmarbury@hotmail.com

1
A gypsy stares intently with evil eyes into a crystal ball.  She is backlit 
so we can’t see her, just her scarves and baggy clothes.  
Gypsy: You will feel your bones melt inside your body!  Your skin shall become 
like a snake’s skin, and your babies shall all be born with the head of Bill 
O’Reilly where their little baby rumps should be!  

2
Pull back to see it’s Rick dressed in drag telling the fortune of an unimpressed 
Jen.  Jen’s thirteen-year-old niece Coco looks on in interest.
Rick: THAT’S what will happen to you for making me man the fortune telling booth 
this year.
Jen: Hey.  It’s for charity.
Rick: “The Give-Jen-And-Her-Friends-A-Cheap-Laugh Foundation”?
Jen: Sure.  We’re tax exempt.

3
Rick looks into the crystal ball as Coco leans in intently.  Mists swirl inside 
the ball.
Coco: Tell my future next, Uncle Ricky!  Tell me about… my wedding day!
Rick: Come with me, child, as we gaze unto the mystical Sony Cryst-o-tron 840e!   
Oh, Sony Cryst-o-tron 840e!  What mysteries have you to reveal to us?!

4
In response, the crystal blinks “12:00” at him.  Rick whacks it with a hammer.
Rick: *($#*(&($#
Jen: Some mystery.   We already knew you can’t read an instruction manual.
Rick: Plug-n-Play my ass.

5
Rick hauls a Magic 8-ball out of his robes and shakes it.  Coco gazes into it.
Rick: OK, my child.  Gaze unto… the Emergency Mystical Back-Up System!  
Coco: Oooo!
Rick: So, EMBUS… will Coco get married? 

6
Rick turns the 8-ball upside down.  Mists creep up from the bottom, revealing a 
hto convertible peeling up to a Las Vegas wedding chapel.  Coco is impressed.
Coco: Cooool!

7
Vegas.  Coco, 18, looks stunning in bridal gown and bouquet.  She also looks bombed 
out of her mind.  She giggles as a huge scruffy-looking guy (Lionel) drags her to 
the altar where the minister waits.
Coco: Hee hee!  (hic!) You’re big!  
Lionel: Yeah, yeah, come on, lush.  I mean, love.
Lionel (thought) This freak’s family made a fortune in the spinach market.  Gotta 
marry her before she sobers up.
Coco: (hic!) You lush me?  Thash sho shweeet!  


8
But Aunt Jen bursts through the door.  Lionel is furious.
Jen: Not so fast, golddigger!
Coco: (sniggering) You have a gold digger.  Hee hee!

9
Lionel talks to Coco, rolls up his sleeves and hands her his beer bottle.  
Coco licks her chops.
Lionel: Pardon me, my sweet. You can nurse my Schlitz while you wait.
Coco:  Ooo, the tallneck!

10
Lionel steps outside with a confrontational Jen.
Jen: You little f*ck!  What do you have to say for yourself?!

11
Lionel simply lays his meaty fist into Jen’s face.  SMACK!

12
Jen’s face is messed up and she hangs limply.   Lionel rips a parking meter 
out of the pavement.
Lionel: I want to think of you as family.

13
He swings the parking meter against the back of Jen’s head.
Lionel: I hate my family.

14
Close on Jen, unconscious, with parking meter stuck in back of her head.  Her 
closed eyes say “EXPIRED” and change pours out of her mouth.
Lionel: [off screen] Stay out of that chapel or I’ll do the same to your skank niece!


15
Lionel walks down the aisle.  The minister waits patiently.  Coco sucks on the bottle.
Lionel: [to himself] o/~ Here comes the groom!  Here to seal your doom! o/~ Ha ha!  
I’m gonna be RICH!

16
Behind him, crawling in agony, trying to catch up, is Jen.  
Jen: Oooooh… weddings hurt.  Oooh…
Minister: [off scrren] Dearly beloved…

17
On the floor, Jen pulls out an open can of spinach.  She grabs a handful.
Minister: [os] … we are gathered here today…

18a
She stuffs it in her mouth, chews and swallows.
Jen: Nom nom nom nom… gulp!
Minister: [os] to join in the bonds of…

18b
BONG!  Wedding bells ring in Jen’s head as she leaps to life with big 
bulging auntie muscles.

19
A buff Jen sprints to the altar like nothing happened. Her fist is reared 
back.  All turn to her, shocked.
Minister: Holy matrimony!
Lionel: What the- didn’t you hear what I said?!
Jen: Yeah!

20
Jen socks him so hard in the face, he does a backflip and lands on his feet.  
He is knocked completely loopy.

21
Jen pulls out a tape recorder and plays it for Coco as Lionel helplessly lolls there.
Jen: Not only did I hear it, I recorded it on your wedding present!
Tape: “…or I’ll do the same to your skank niece!”
Coco: [sobering up] Hwah?  You hit my aunt?  You called me a SKANK?!

22
Jen holds out the can of spinach for Coco.  She snatches it angrily.
Jen: Do you take this spinach to beat your awfully shredded husband?
Coco: Oh, I DO!

23a
Coco quaffs the rest of the spinach.

23b
Coco extends her arm.

24
Coco flexes.  A huge multi-tiered bicep shaped like a wedding cake appears.  The 
bride figurine holds the groom in a headlock.

25
Coco socks Lionel the length of the aisle.  He flops helplessly at the end 
of the red carpet.
Coco: Let me teach you a little something about commitment!

26
Coco, grunting terribly, every muscle flexing through her dress, rips the 
aisle off the ground and lifts it.  
Coco: I’m committed to knocking you into next week! RRRRRGH!  

27
She uses the aisle like a spatula, and flips him up in the air like a pancake.
 
28
He lands at her feet in a heap, THUD!  She lifts his head up slightly with 
her index finger.
Coco: Oh, sweetie… let’s not fight on our wedding day!

29
Grunting, she lifts him OFF THE GROUND using only her finger.  Her arm is in flexed 
position, her bicep is so titanically peaked it has torn right through her dress. 
Coco: This’ll carry you over the threshold!  WAY OVER!
Lionel: No… Pleeeeease…
  
30
She delivers a devastating jabs with the fist that has her big diamond ring 
engagement ring.  He is shot like a bullet.  
Coco: Here’s your ring back!

31
He lands in the arranged metal folding chairs, tumbling through them.  
With inhuman speed, Coco runs after him.

32
She leaps on top of him and keeps throwing jabs with her ring. He 
is helpless.  WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP!
Coco: Here’s your ring back again!  Here’s your ring back again!  
Lionel: Nooooo!

30
Legend: Later…
We see just the bloodied, swollen mess that is Lionel, still in his tux, lolling 
on his feet, gradually regaining consciousness.  He’s holding a bride’s 
hand, but she’s off screen.
Minister: [o.s.] I now pronounce you man and wife.
Lionel: Hwuuuh?  I… I did it?  I got married?
Bride: [o.s] And how, funny face.

31
Lionel freaks out.  His bride is a drunk…
Lionel: LIZA MINELLI?!
Liza is in boxing gloves, soused, holding a bottle of tequila.
Liza: Yeah I’m drunk, so what?  Wanna make somethin’ out of it?

32
Liza pummels Lionel in the background as Coco and Jen leave laughing arm in arm.
Jen: Something old, something new…
Coco: Someone pummeled black and blue!

33
Back to present.  Young Coco and Jen are excited.  Coco flexes some impressive 
little girl muscles.  Rick props his head up in his hands in resignation.
Coco: Wow!  I kicked serious ass!  When I grow up, I want to be just like me!
Jen: That’s it, sweetie!  Believe in yourself!
Rick: Yeah, and, keep ignoring the whole “growing up to be a brawling alcoholic” 
thing.  I’m sure that’s not important.

END