Assault and Grocery! (Rick'n' Jen Comix #6) by Madison Marbury, madisonmarbury@hotmail.com A comic script Panel 1 Rick and Jen push a cart toward their local supermarket. Legend: How it always starts. Rick: Now remember, we don't need many groceries, so let's try to keep it under $10. And can we stay together this time? Jen: Hey, you're the one who always runs off on your own. Panel 2 Later, inside the store, Rick, disgruntled, wearily struggles to push a cart overloaded with stuff. Jen tosses even more stuff in. Legend: How it always goes. Jen: What a bargain! I never see that! Gotta have that! Rick: Jen? Panel 3 Jen sees a sign in the distance and runs off toward it. Rick is exasperated. Jen: Oo! Crampax half off! I'm gonna run off on my own and get twenty! Rick: Get back here! Panel 4 A sample table is set up. Jen stops in her tracks and salivates. The lady manning the table has her back to us- but she's kinda big. Jen: Mmm! Cheesy gooey things! On toothpicks! Lady: Care for a free sample? All natural! Panel 5 Jen pops three or four in her mouth. Jen: Mm, natural! And since it's free, the more I eat, the more I save! Panel 6 But suddenly, Jen gets really nauseous. The panel seems swimmy. She clutches her stomach and holds her mouth. Jen: Blaugh! Ooo, my tummy. Panel 7 Jen looks at the sign below the table in disgust- "Auntie Lucy's All Natural Maximum Strength Ipecac! The Cheesy Gooey Way to Induce Vomiting!" The sample lady chuckles- we still can't make out her face. Jen: OH NO! BLUP! Lady: Heh-heh! Panel 8 Jen covers her mouth and runs away. Rick enters, sees what happened, is angry with the sample lady. The sample lady begins to take off her wig and hat. Jen: Blaugh! Rick: What the-?! Hey, you made my girlfriend sick! Lady: Damn straight. Panel 9 Close on the sample lady- underneath it is LUCY, the boxing instructor from the first Rick'n'Jen comic. She is sneering. Rick is terrified. Lucy: About time I returned the favor! Rick: LUCY!? Oh jeez! Panel 10 Flashback. Rick thinks back to their first encounter. He has three thought balloons, showing Lucy beating a scrawny Jen in the boxing ring, a beaten Jen drinking a bottle of spinach juice, and a buff Jen knocking Lucy out. Rick: I can't believe I made Jen take boxing lessons from Lucy- without knowing Lucy wanted ME as her boyfriend! Thank god Jen drank that spinach juice and socked her into next week! Panel 11 Lucy grabs Rick's wrist painfully tight. She tosses away the rest of her uniform to reveal her bulky but buff body in a tank top and shorts. Rick struggles but he is no match. Lucy: That bitch is gonna pay for what she did to me! Rick: Ow! Let go! Lucy: Never again, dreamboat. Rick: Help! Jen! WHERE ARE YOU?! Panel 11 Jen is in the juice aisle, standing ashamed and embarrassed, as a mop boy disgustedly cleans up the mess she made on the floor. Jen: Sorry. Mop Boy: [resentful mumble] Panel 12 Jen reaches to an empty area of the juices on the shelf without looking. Jen: I better drink some stomach strengthening SPINACH JUICE before I bring up any more chunky-style floor polish. huh? Panel 13 Look out from the shelf at Jen looking at the shelf. She is puzzled and concerned. Jen: Broccoflower juice? Kale and carrot cocktail? Endive-a-palooza? But no SPINACH JUICE?! Lucy: [o.s.] That's right, string bitch! Panel 14 Lucy looms large and evilly above Jen, holding a helpless struggling Rick in one hand and dangling an empty bottle of spinach juice upside down in the other. Jen: YOU! Lucy: Bought'em all this morning, poured'em all down the drain! Jen: Erp! Lucy: But since your mouth and this bottle have such history together.. Panel 15 Close on Jen's face as Lucy smacks her across the mouth with the bottle- it shatters. Lucy: HERE! Panel 16 Bloody Jen runs down the canned food aisle desperately. There are rows and rows of cans marked "Spinach" Jen: Thank god Lucy's too dumb to buy all the canned spinach! Panel 17 Jen turns around to see the large display for CAN OPENERS- they're all gone. Lucy reclines menacingly against display, flexing a huge muscle. Lucy: Lookin' fer something? Jen: Erp! Panel 18 Jen dives into a frozen food case filled with FROZEN SPINACH. Jen: Luckily I saw this with my bird's eye! Panel 19 But as Jen tires to bite down onto a box of frozen spinach, her teeth shatter. She winces in horrible pain. Panel 20 Lucy grabs her by the neck and starts wailing on her. Blood flies. Lucy: Don't think pre-knocking out your teeth is gonna stop this beating! Jen: [moans] Ooooo. Lucy: I consider this my own personal clean-up in aisle 2! Panel 21 With a single uppercut, Lucy launches Jen over the aisle. WHACK! Lucy: You're finished, loser! Rick is MINE! Panel 22 Lucy runs around to the new aisle to finish Jen off. Lucy: THIS time I thought of every- Panel 23 The produce section. Jen landed on and broke a mound of crates filled with fresh Deb Monte spinach, which she is now eating like mad. Multiple signs and banner trumpet "Finest Quality Fresh Spinach!" "On Sale Dirt Cheap!" "Eat All You Can Take!". Lucy's eyes pop out in terror. Lucy: -thing. Panel 24 Close-up of the right half of Lucy's face. Her eyes and mouth are frozen open, beads of sweat pour down her, she is petrified. Rick, a little messed up, rubs his head in the back of the shot. Lucy: Fresh? Spinach? Rick: Jeez, Luce. Talk about missing the forest for the trees. Lucy: Erp! Panel 24 Jen, furious, flexes. Her arms are enormous, her fists are as large as she is, her veined biceps eight feet tall. Lucy backpedals, hands up, palms out. Lucy: Now, wait a minute, honey! Think about this! What would JESUS do? Panel 25 One of those enormous fists THWUMPS Lucy head-on. She is half-flattened and sticks to the fist, arms and legs trailing in the air. Panel 26 The fist drives her into brick wall, THWACK! flattening the other half of her. Panel 27 Rick, horrified, cringes and shields his eyes from the off-screen violence, as we hear repeatedly the same THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! Bits of blood, meat and bone fly through the panel. Panel 28 Same frame, Rick still in cringe. The sounds have stopped. Jen sweetly pokes her head into the shot. Jen: Sweetie? Can you hand me that Styrofoam tray over there? Rick: Er. which? Jen: The BIG one. Panel 29 Jen's hand slaps a label on the enormous pile of ground meat in a tank top and shorts on a big Styrofoam tray that is now Lucy. It reads- BULK SHREDDED BUTT MEAT- GRADE F EXTRA FATTY! Panel 30 Rick and Jen leave the store with Jen triumphantly carrying the full shopping cart up on one shoulder. Rick: So what, you're selling her by the pound? How does this give us the moral high ground? Jen: When it comes to being GROUND, Rick- Lucy's the new expert! Arg arg arg! Rick: Since when do you "arg arg arg"?