Madison Marbury’s Perfectly Non-Partisan Players Present: The Govern-Hater! A Perfectly Non-Partisan Comic by Madison Marbury madisonmarbury@hotmail.com 1 A political victory speech. The smiling candidate gives the victory sign at the podium surrounded by confetti, popping flashbulbs. Announcer: Here’s your new governor: MARBLED HASENPFEFFER! Marbled: Ja, dis is me thanking you! Bye bye! 2 Marbled drapes a towel around his neck and walks away. His agent and press secretary follow. Marbled: Wow. Dat was one of de best movies I ever play! Secretary: Um… that wasn’t a movie, Marbled. You’re really the governor. Marbled: Ha! Silly man. If is no movie, what you call the publicity tour I just did? Secretary: You mean, the campaign? 3 The agent eagerly hands Marble a script. Agent: Never mind him, baby. We’re already signed for the sequel, where you- I mean, your CHARACTER- does battle with the evil state cyborg legislature, and their hideous army of teacher’s union clone mutants! Marbled: [reading script] “You’re terminated!” Boy, I say dat to a lot of people over da next three years! 4 Marble tosses script away as he heads to a room with balloons and confetti and a big banner. Marbled: I deal with this later. Now is time for WRAP PARTY! Secretary: It’s a victory party! Marbled: What do I care? As long as there is lots of tequila and plenty of pie! 5 Marbled drools wide-eyed at all the tightly dressed PYT’s chatting and laughing at his party. Marbled: Mmmmm! Pie! Marble: I am like a kid in a store with candy. 6 He lustfully grabs one. She is shocked. Marble: Hello… Candy. Marble: Are you a zucking Candy? Marble: Marble melts in your mouth. Then I melt in your hands. 7 The girl steps on the Marbled’s calves and jams the heel of her palm into his chin, collapsing him to his knees. Girl: Watch out for my hard candy shell! Marbled: ACH! Damn! 8 On the floor, Marbled rubs his jaw and looks up at her. Marbled: Wait a midget- I know you! You were in dat movie where I play Canadian fur trapper! Candy: Yup! “The Ermine-ator”! You reached up my shirt and pawed my breasts. Marbled: Hey. You never said “stop”. 9 The girl gives him wicked right cross to the jaw, sending him flying. 10 The girl rubs her fist threateningly, standing over his shocked, flummoxed, and prone body. Girl: Neither did YOU. 11 Other girls step forward menacingly. A wave of recognition dawns on Marbled’s face. Marbled: And you! You were at that cast party in Rio… Marbled: And you… you were… Girl #2: Elevator. Universal Studios. Marbled: Ja, wid da pink lace panties. I still have dose. Hold on- 12 Wide shot. A huge herd of angry woman has now surrounded him. Marbled: Are you telling me now and believing me later that every girl I’ve had fun with in de last twenty years is right here in dis room? 13 Candy lifts him over her head. Candy: Don’t be silly! That would be a fire code violation! These are just the ones I was able to recruit into my gym. 13 They pass Arnold to one another over their heads, toward the bar. Candy: You humiliated and degraded each and every one of us. Everyone thinks you’re such a HE-MAN. Well, it’s time the voters saw just how small you really are! 13 They plunk him down in a booth. A smallish girl waits under the table for him. Small Girl: Hey Marbled. Remember when you told me to go under the table for you? 14 He looks down in shock as she clamps a leg iron on him. The other end is shackled to the table leg. Marbled: Hey! You crazy bitch! Lemme go! Gimme the key! 15 Marbled sees a beautiful 5’ girl in horned-rim glasses strides forward. She is a vision in an evening gown, and around her neck is a necklace with the key dangling near her cleavage. She twiddles the chain around her finger seductively. Beauty: You want this? 16 The beauty sits down and puts her arm on the table in wrestling position. Marbled dwarfs her. He laughs. Beauty: Arm wrestle you for it. Marbled: Ha! Sure, doll. Maybe when I twist your wrist off you bitches will know who you’re messing with! 17 They clasp hands. His hand engulfs hers. They stare at each other intently, Marbled is grinning confidently. The beauty’s thought appear in legend boxes. Legend: I am a CPA. 16 They go. They both strain and grunt mightily. Marbled still grins as he is able to bend her wrist and gain an early advantage. He bites his lip and leers at her chest. Legend: I wear glasses. I read books. Legend: You see my body but do not see me. You do not respect who I am. Marbled: [thought] Aw man, what jugs! 17 Close on the beauty’s eyes as she scowls. Legend: I do. 18 Marbled is shocked as the girl suddenly stars pushing his arm back. Legend: I am here to show you my strength. In the only way you understand. 19 In a news studio, technicians work at their panels. One looks up to see what’s on one of the monitors- it’s the arm wrestling contest. Marbled is close to losing. Technician: Huh? Steve? Steve, Monitor 3! Look at this! 20 Back at the ‘party’. Beauty finally pins Marbled’s arm. He winces as we hear the SLAM! All the girls cheer. Candy has a TV camera in the background, transmitting the whole thing live. Legend: Strength is not always about power. 21 Marbled rubs his hand in bewildered pain. Beauty gets up from the table and leaves, blowing him a sultry kiss. Legend: But always, I will be stronger than you. Beauty: [spoken] Goodbye, Marbled. 22 A new woman rushes to the table and eagerly puts her arm up. She has the same key around her neck. Woman: My turn! My turn! Girl in Crowd: Make sure you do the other arm! Don’t give him any excuses! Woman: C’mon, tough guy! Show me what you got! 23 The new girl slams Arnold to the table. 24 Reflected in the lens of Candy’s camera, we see another girl do the same. 25 In a Los Angeles bar, the patrons are glued to the TV in shock. A woman at the bar challenges the guys to the same sort of match. Patron #1: He lost AGAIN?! That girl weighed 100 pounds! Woman at Bar: Hey, if those girls could beat Marbled, bet I could beat you! Patron #2: Great, now our OWN masculinity is in question. Patron #3: Thanks a lot, Marbled! You’re the worst governor EVER! 26 A newspaper bearing a picture of a bawling Marbled with both arms in casts. In smaller picture beneath, the new governor and her manager. Headline: WHAT WERE WE THINKING?! Wuss-inator Recalled After Just One Week Cries Like Crying Little Crybaby Governor-Elect Uma Thanks Campaign Manager Oprah END