In a More Her-fect World… A comic script by Madison Marbury madisonmarbury@hotmail.com Panel 1 Legend: Spring training! A sports reporter and a photographer anxiously get ready for… Reporter: Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield and Barry Bonds! Each at the same press conference! Each to address their alleged steroid abuse! Photographer: A morning of baseball scandal and shame, then off to the beach to watch babes in bikinis. Reporter: Is Fort Lauderdale great, or what? Panel 2 Jason Giambi walks up to the podium. JG: Good morning. Um, lookit. You’ve all seen the reports that over the last three years, I received regular shipments of steroids. JG: Well, I am here today to say… Panel 3 Giambi looks out on multitude of bored, jaded reporters. Flashbulbs pop as photographers do their job. JG: … it’s true… Gallery: [in sarcastic unison] Gasp, shock, confusion. JG: …but they weren’t for me. Panel 4 As Giambi continues, a silhouette emerges from the wings. It’s short but very broad. JG: Ladies and gentlemen, here to clear my name is the person I procured those drugs for. Reporter: Huh? JG: My little sister, Gina Giambi. Panel 5 Gina walks cockily up to the podium. She is 22, bronze tan, blonde hair with streaks of black. She’s clad in a burly white robe. Photographer keeps snapping. Reporter: What the-? Photographer: Don’t know, but it’s sure looking better for the pictures. Reporter: He doesn’t really expect us to believe- Panel 6 View from behind the podium looking out to the crowd. Gina’s robe falls down. She is dressed in a bikini and doing a lat spread. Her back is wide and ripped beyond belief. The crowd drops its jaw. Reporter: [softly] Sweet Jesus. Panel 7 Front view of Gina, next to but not behind the podium. She’s in a yellow bikini, hitting a crab pose. She’s freakin’ huge. Gina: Yeah, that’s right, punks! Drink it in! Gina: My name’s Gina Giambi. And a few years ago, at my 18th birthday, I had a dream: to be the best damn bodybuilder the world had ever seen. Thanks to my brother Jason, that dream is just about ready to come true. Panel 8a Gina extends her arm. Gina: I think you all owe Jason an apology. Panel 8b Gina flexes with a grinning, but threatening scowl. The bicep bulges up to inhuman heights. Gina: NOW! Panel 9 All the reporters grin nervously and sweat as Gina grins at them contemptuously. Reporter #2: Sorry Jason! Reporter #3: Believed you all along, buddy! Reporter #4: Never a moubt in my dind! Panel 10 Gina leaves carrying Jason in her arms. The next ball player approaches the podium. Gary: Hey, guys. Gary Sheffield hear to say I got steroids too, but I didn’t give them to my sister. I gave them to my good friend and #1 favorite singer, Janet Jackson. Panel 11 A video monitor is pulled in next to Gary, and he pulls out a pointer. Gary: I’m sure we all remember that little scene from the Superbowl… Gary: But what you don’t know is, that wasn’t how it was supposed to go down. Let me play for you this recently discovered tape of the dress rehearsal. Panel 12 Close on the monitor. The shot is a close-up of the right breast-arm region of Janet Jackson. Her arm is extended. Justin reaches for her dress. Gary: [pointing, off-screen] Watch closely! Panel 13 Justin tears off the fabric around Janet’s BICEP. Janet flexes, and a bulging, veined mountain of muscle pops up. A tattoo of a sunburst appears on it. Gallery: [o.s.] GASP! Gary: Sort of puts a different spin on things, don’t it? Panel 14 Now on the screen is the beaten, black-eyed face of… Justin: I, Justin Tim- OW! -lake, accept full responsibility for disrespecting Janet- OWOWOWOW MS. JACKSON MS. JACKSON! Ms. Jackson. Panel 15 Pulls back a bit to reveal Janet has Justin’s arm twisted behind his back in a vicious hold. Justin: Ms. Jackson’s body is a hard-earned, finely sculpted temple. Janet: Which? Justin: AUGH! Which a worm like me should be stepped on for defiling. Panel 16 Gary pushes his monitor off stage. Barry Bonds now steps up, eyeing Gary in disbelief as he leaves. Gary: That’s all. Thank you. Barry: These folks is whack, man. Barry: Anyways, guys, it’s me, Barry Bonds. And today I am releasing full documentation that proves I received steroids only as the underground informant for the government that exposed the whole drug ring. Panel 17 Barry motions to a pile of unopened boxes marked: DANGER! ILLEGAL STEROIDS! INGESTION MAY BUILD MUSCLE! The reporters consider. Barry: See? I never even opened the boxes! I’m clean as the whistle I blew on the whole operation! Reporter: Wow. Look at all those steroids. Photographer: Steroids that could have gone to his wife… his sister… tautly muscled actress Angela Bassett… Panel 18 The press corp responds as one: Gallery: SELFISH BASTARD! Barry: Huh? Reporter #2: Who are you to deprive women of the muscle we crave? Barry: Bu-bu-but… you said it was BAD! Panel 19 Gina Giambi charges the stage ready to pounce. The monitor is somehow back and turned to Janet. Barry cringes. Gina: YOU SNITCH! You ratted out my big brother! Janet: Bring the pain, girlfriend! Panel 20 Muscular Gina is atop Barry in a schoolgirl pin as he struggles helplessly, unable to avoid her THWACKING punches. The gallery cheers her on. Reporter: So this is baseball. Part mixed gender extreme fighting, part Mexican soap opera. Photographer: Hey. Beats the damn Sox-Yankees crap. END