Blonde Barbecue By C James At 6~1 and 190 pounds, she literally embodied the concept of AMAZON. If you had to pin some kind of classification on me which I'd prefer you didn't, then I suppose like one of those so-called "Men's Magazines," you'd probably describe me as an "exotic beauty." There'd be something about my "sultry good looks" and my "chiseled cheekbones." But even then, I'm no dummy. 1 realize that even in this progressive, non-sexist culture, "gentlemen prefer blondes." Sadly, in the realm of mythical "feminine beauty." it remains a fact that BLONDES RULE. So, I should've been forewarned when this jerk from work began paying attention to me. The guy worked in administration and viewed the "gals" in the "secretarial pool" to be his personal harem. But this guy, who we'll call Jeff made what's known in the nineties as "mega-bucks" or by his own yuppie admission, liabout 75K" a year. So what did 1 care if he insisted on lavishing expensive gifts on me? And he did. He couldn't seem to get enough of my dark, French-Indian genetics. All-American cornfed blondes were aplenty. common as dandelions, but for a while at least, Jeff found himself hopelessly addicted to my high-cheekbones and voluptuous body. But finally, the inevitable happened and all was lost. Jeff discovered a tall, willowy blonde bimbo to replace me with. This shouldn't have devastated me, but it did. Depression set in with a vengeance, and I began to compound the problem by overeating and "vegging-out" in front of the tube. The damn jerk never said a word before dumping me, and he added insult to injury by parading around the office with his latest blonde aquisition. It finally dawned on me that I'd been nothing more than a "temp," a short-term diversion between blondes. As for me, I not only fell into an emotional funk, but my once svelte body began to swell and bloat. Within weeks of Jeff's abrupt kiss-off, my bathroom scale groaned under my girth as the needle shot well beyond the 150 pound mark. And that was about the same time I received my "notice" from the "human resources" department. It seems that my services had simply become "non-essential." Actually, I suspected that Jeff had arranged that too; not wanting to have the sexual scenery blighted by a fat sad- sack who he'd utterly ruined. In retrospect, I now realize that Jeffs scheming betrayal had been a left-handed favor. Had I not been driven from his office, I might never have met my savior. Of course. 1 don't mean that in a religious sense, but 1 did find salvation in the form of a woman named Janet. And it's all the more ironic that Janet, my personal savior, turned out to be as blonde as a Wisconsin Dairy Princess. Our fateful meeting occurred shortly after I was hired as a dispatcher for the County Sanitation Dept. That's right, laugh all you want, but my downward spiral was reversed by a sanitation worker named Janet who hauled garbage. trimmed trees, poured cement and generally outworked any man on the street crew. And it was Janet whose friendship convinced me that it was possible to turn my pitiful life around. Without her support and constant prodding, I would have thrown the towel in. Janet introduced me to the notion that women don't have to be physically weak or "soft and round" in order to be sexually desirable . When Janet wasn't laboring right alongside the boys on the street crew, she was preparing for amateur bodybuilding competitions. I have to admit. I looked at Janet with askance when I first laid eyes on her powerfully constructed body. To say that Janet was an imposing sight would be a ridiculous understatement. Because, at 6~1 and 190 pounds, she literally embodied the concept of AMAZON. However, her 17" arms and 28" thighs were combined with exceptional beauty that shattered all pre- conceptions. With a waist that measured only 26" and a face that could have adorned the cover of Cosmo, Janet absolutely did not fit the usual steroid stereotype. And Janet can not only take full credit for changing my prejudice against female muscle, but for actually getting my butt into the gym in the first place. Because of Janet, not only did 1 shed the dreadful flab, but I replaced it all with hardened muscle. And that's what I found so uncanny about the whole process. My body weight only decreased by about fifteen pounds. Prior to weight~training, I'd done the aerobics thing and the dieting thing, and I was under the illusion that my ideal weight was somewhere around 120 pounds. But after those first three months of rigorous iron-pumping, my 5-4 frame carried 145 solid and shapely pounds. It seemed like a miraculous anomaly. Not only that, but I found that my overall strength had increased to the point that I could bench-press over 200 pounds for several repititions. Before I started lifting, I would've struggled with 20 pound dumbells. Now I could curl 60 pounds with either arm. I was ecstatic. And if all these physical improvements weren't enough, I also experienced what you might call an "emotional renaissance." After six months or so of intensive training, I was feeling more confident and capable than ever before. Janet and I had become inseparable training partners and she took obvious satisfaction in the knowledge that it had been her influence which had transformed me from a frumpy and forlorn cow into a proud and powerful woman. Sometime during that time-frame, 1 encountered Jeff at one of the downtown malls. He was sporting about with that same blonde from the office. That in itself seemed odd. I would have thought that he'd have grown tired of her and simply moved on, but there HE was, and there SHE was. They seemed perfectly matched as they giggled and babbled, walking arm-in-arm down the crowded mall concourse. Jeff actually did a classic "double-take" when he saw me approaching from the opposite direction. Until that moment, I'd never wanted to see that creepy little bastard again. But I found myself cheerfully waving and calling out to them. It must have been their automatic sense of phony politeness that forced them to face me. Or perhaps it was because I gave them no choice as I rushed over and threw my arms around a slightly wary Jeff. Blondie eyed me with disdain as 1 made a fuss, kissing him on the cheek and telling him how good it was to see him after all those months. After much superficial chit-chat, with Jeff remarking on how "different" I looked, a brilliant idea came over me. And without missing a beat, I invited them both over to a "friend's house" for what I represented as a "barbecue." At first, Jeff seemed reluctant. He hemmed and hawed and looked over at Blondie with trepidation. She of course, was not at all thrilled at the prospect. But Jeff couldn't seem to help himself. He kept running his eyes over my tanned, washboard abs. Thank God for the genius who invented the halter. What better way for a woman to showcase a hard upper-body? For an instant, 1 actually feared that my obvious muscularity would frighten him away. But Jeff appeared more intrigued than intimidated. "So, just who's this friend of yours?" "You've probably seen her on TV," I lied. "She's Janet Moore, a top-flight fitness model who I got to know down at the gym." "Hmmmmm," he said with peaked interest. "What does she look like?" "Oh, she's just your average model-type. Over six-feet tall, blonde and drop-dead gorgeous." Dropping that tantalizing tidbit turned out to be the perfect bait for the trap. You could almost see him salivate as he mulled over a private image in his blonde-crazy mind. 'Well, this barbecue of yours sounds more interesting by the minute," he said as he averted Blondie's piercing gaze. "But there's just one thing," he chuckled. "Why're you inviting us? I mean I thought you were rather upset "NO NO that's all in the past," I lied again. "And that's why it's so important that you come. We were so close. And I'd like for us to at least be friends again." Jeff seemed to swallow the barbed hook without another thought. "Sure well yeah, we'd love to come. Just let me know when and where." And while Blondie curled her lips with distaste. 1 scribbled down the when and where of the barbecue. Then, in an effort to diffuse the girlfriend's hostility, 1 offered her my hand and my most gracious smile. "Oh, I'm sorry. My name's Annette, what's yours?" "Tiffany," she replied with a discernible iciness. "Glad to meet you," I said as I shook her hand, making sure to disguise my strength. "And please. Remember to bring your bathing suits. Janet has a pool and I'm sure Tiffany looks great in a bikini." That bullshit line thawed Blondie just long enough for a faint smile. And Jeff . . . well judging by his expression, he was doubtless already fantasizing about Janet, the blonde dreamgirl. When I mentioned my diabolical plan to Janet, she was more than game. She was downright eager. "But how can you be certain they'll actually show?" "I, can't" I explained. "I'm trusting my instincts on this one. And if I know Jeff the way 1 think 1 do. he won't be able to resist the chance to get to know YOU better." "So, I'm the bait. am I?" Janet was clearly amused. "Yeah, BLONDE BAIT." "Well, then how do we play this thing out?" "Simple. Just make sure to keep feeding Jeff booze. When he gets drunk god what a jerk. That's when you go to work on him. Janet couldn't stifle a snicker. "Great but what about this girlfriend of his?" "Her ? No problem. The bitch already despises me for obvious reasons. And I'm hoping she has the guts to try and come to Jeff's rescue. If she does WHAM I'll take care of her." "Okay, but don't you want a piece of this Jeff too?" "Of course. Believe me, 1 won't waste any time taking Tiffany out." "Tiffany?" Janet made an awful face. "I can just imagine what she's like. I'll bet you can't wait to slam her down." "Absolutely. In fact, maybe I'll take my time and punish her a little. But you've gotta promise to leave some of Jeff for me." "Don't worry. I'll just soften him up. After all, it's really supposed to be your barbecue," Janet laughed. At 6PM sharp on a slightly muggy evening in July, Operation Barbecue got underway. The guests of honor arrived looking a bit uneasy. Jeff was dressed in his customary knit golf shirt and matching shorts while Tiffany sported an expensive spandex outfit that accentuated her lean, fit body and exposed a bare midriff. As I peeked through the kitchen window, watching them follow Janet into the backyard, even 1 had to admit that Tiffany was attractive in a typically feminine way. But Jeff's mind was not on his girlfriend. He openly gawked at Janet's towering, tanned physique. Wearing a scanty bikini top and cut-offs, Janet's shapely massiveness captivated him. Tiffany didn't approve and looked to be grumbling as Janet led them to some lawn chairs near the backyard barbecue. That's when I made my entrance, and Jeff seemed almost as stunned by my appearance. But Tiffany grunted and shook her head when she saw me gliding barefoot across the lawn in my comparatively modest white sports bra and shorts. "Good god," Jeff exclaimed. "What have you girls been doing?" "Just working out a little," I said coyly. "Why?" "Well it's just that well you look great, but all those muscles." "You didn't seem to notice before," I reminded him. "No but that's because you were you know wearing clothes." Janet. who was pretending to prepare the barbecue suddenly burst out laughing. "You mean, you think this is a nude barbecue?" Poor Jeff sputtered out something stupid before Janet shoved a Gin and Tonic under his nose. "Here. drink this. It'll help you overcome the shock." And Jeff downed the drink with a single gulp. Meanwhile, Tiffany went into a pouty snit and refused Janet's offer of a drink. But that didn't stop Jeff whose continued drinking and particular fascination with Janet's muscularity, annoyed Tiffany all the more. "Would you mind? I mean, could 1 feel "Why, of course," Janet giggled as she flexed her right bicep and allowed Jeff to stroke it in awe. "Incredible," he purred. "How about it. Tiff? You wanna feel my muscles?" Tiffany's mouth grimaced in horror as I got right in her face and flexed both of my bronze guns. "Stop it," she squealed. "You're gross you're freaky," she fumed. "Is that so? Well. then what would you do if my freaky muscles started squeezing the shit out of your skinny little body?" Tiffany's horror turned to outrage, then to panic. "JEFF LET'S Tiffany whirled around just in time to see Janet strong-arm Jeff from his chair. Tiffany watched in mute amazement as Janet hoisted Jeff off his feet and into a bearhug. Then, she began kissing him fully on the lips. "Please no what're you ? "I'M KISSING YOU, STUPID. I THOUGHT YOU LIKED BLONDES." At first, it was difficult to tell whether Jeff was suffering or actually enjoying the pain. He grinned idiotically as Janet's bearhug crushed the breath from his lungs. Then, suddenly, Jeff began making horrible sucking sounds. He gritted his teeth and groaned as he writhed helplessly in Janet's powerful embrace. "LET HIM GO YOU BITCH Furious, Janet flew at Janet just as I'd hoped; but came to a screeching halt when I grabbed her goldilocks and bent her in half in a headlock. Glancing quickly over at Janet, 1 watched as she spread-eagled Jeff on his back, grapevined his legs and pulled his head into her breasts. "Save some for me," I admonished her. Fearing that Janet was finishing Jeff off prematurely, I wrenched at Tiffany's neck with the headlock until her muffled cries grew fainter, then faded altogether. But for added measure, as Tiffany flopped down, I whacked her across the back of the neck with a karate slash. Now I could concentrate my wrath on Jeff. "That's enough, he's mine now," I said tapping Janet on her brawny shoulder. "Damn it. And here I thought blondes were supposed to have all the fun," she whined jokingly. But like a faithful tag- team partner, she relented and I took control. "Don't bother to get up," I said, kicking him flush in the face with a bare foot . Jeff rolled over with a whimper and 1 went on the offensive,easily muscling him into my specially, THE GUILLOTINE. For weeks, I'd been practicing this punishing maneuver on Janet who confessed that it brought tears even to her eyes. First, I scissored Jeff's body from behind. The pressure of my thighs had him gasping and groaning in no time. Then I wrapped his head in my forearms and reared back as far as I could without actually decapitating him. The effect of THE GUILLOTINE was painfully evident. Jeff let out a gut-wrenching groan, his hands grabbing first at my thighs, then at my forearms; as his desperate mind found it impossible to decide which pair of limbs were hurting him the most. Finally, Jeff's wildly flapping arms dropped ]imply to his sides and his tortured moans grew silent. Then I looked over at Janet who was standing guard over the fallen Tiffany. "Looks like our guests have petered out on us," Janet said with a malicious grin. "Sure looks that way. Guess this is the one barbecue where they bit off a bit more than they could chew." I said with the taste of revenge still fresh on my breath.