ENGLISH PUB TAKEN OVER BY A NORSELANDIC BAR by Hamlet The Tollemache in Grantham Lincolnshire was to be transformed into a brand new Norselandic bar and restaurant called Votans. No one hopefully would remember the dreary days of the Tollemache ever again. It would be a memory of the past. Every stick of furniture, every glass and bottle, every piece of carpet would be thrown into a vast incinerator. Every single chair. table, glass and bottle in Votans would be brand new Arnold the former manager would be allowed to stay on as the toilet cleaner. The bar staff Julie and Karen would be allowed to stay on only as kitchen staff. They would be replaced by Norselandic Bar Marshals. There would be four of them altogether. They would be dressed in the BM uniforms of red leather hats, leather jackets, skin-tight trousers and high heeled boots. Their names would be Helga and Lars who were Partners and Martha and Erik also Partners. As I have written before marriage had been completely abolished in Norseland and only Partnership existed which did not carry any legal obligations. The new, Manager would be Ingrid Rasmusson who was known for her efficiency and ruthlessness. She always carried a crop and handcuffs attached to her red leather uniform. She would be addressed at all times as Madame Manager while all the Bar Marshals would have to be addressed at all times as Sir or Madame. Mina Ingrid's Papian slaveant would become the supervisor of the kitchen staff only. All the cooking would be done by two Papian chefs Taeko Tahini with his wife Mahia and Toni Uaakatua now that he had left the Chinese restaurant the Loon Hong. Ingrid had also appointed a new manager Helga Nastisson who was very strict and had to be addressed at all times as Madame Helga. There would be separate dining and dancing areas. Around the walls would be huge TV screens showing only Norselandic programmes as well as sports such as surfing gymnastics Gym Kata, skiing and aerobics The whole premises would be so pristine clean you could eat a meal off the floor. The dreary days of the past would be well and truly over under Ingrid's management. Once the multi-million pound refurbishment was complete there would be an opening night where for as little as £20 customers could eat at a buffet for as much as they liked, drink all night as long as they did not get drunk and confined themselves mostly to healthy drinks like freshly squeezed orange juice and could dance the night away. Ingrid would hire a Norselandic country band the Valhallas who would play country music all night long There would-be all-night line dancing and cowboy dancing. She was determined that everyone would have a great time without drunkenness or causing any trouble. If anyone caused the slightest trouble then she would deal with them personally and ruthlessly. She would make it compulsory for customers to stay all night just as they had to in her Nation if ordered to by the Senior Bar Marshal. Also Love Rooms would be built upstairs where Norse Women and Men would take their English victims to be screwed mercilessly after which they would be served an enormous 'stick to your ribs' Norselandic breakfast. The rooms would be equipped with king size beds, TVs, showers and a whole stock of sexual aids, including hundreds of different sizes of strap- ons. There would be an opportunity to spend a night with a Norse Person. Full sex would not be allowed but an English person would have to submit to being screwed and pounded viciously by a Norse Person until they could hardly move the next day! Of course, strict rules would be enforced strictly by the BMs. Good manners at table were essential as were clean fingers before eating and there would be a cleanliness inspection before meals carried out by the BMs.No drinks could be ordered without food. Drunkenness was banned and anyone drunk would be thrashed until they were sober. Smoking was absolutely banned everywhere as a filthy and effectively illegal habit. No one could consume more than 4 glasses of beer or wine in one evening and after that the customer would have to drink healthy fruit juice all evening. Anyone making a mess such as spilling their drinks or food would be forced to clean it up immediately by the BMs. Everyone's appearance had to be spotlessly clean and tidy, Trainers and jeans would be absolutely forbidden, Suits and smart casual would be essential at all times for men and women. If dress was not perfect or dress was not up to standard then BMs had full authority to take the offender to a back room and rip the offending clothing off and hurl it into the incinerator and replace it with the stock of smart clothing that would be held at the back of the bar. All customers would be forced to conform and obey these rules without question. All customers had or take part in the entertainment such as the line dancing or else. If a customer was asked to dance by a Norselander they had no choice. There was no such word as no! Of course, all these rules would be enforced by coercion if necessary. Ingrid would patrol the bar with a crop and a whip and would carry knuckledusters, knives and handcuffs around her waist. BMs would also carry handcuffs and crops. Customers causing trouble at all would be thrashed mercilessly over the Whipping Block that would be situated right in the middle of the Bar. Anyone criticising the Nation or the Queen Goddess would receive a minimum of 30 strokes administered by Ingrid herself in full view of the other customers. There would be a large sign over the entrance to the Bar in English and Norselandic YOU ARE ENTERING NORSELANDIC TERRITORY! MAKE SURE YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF! DEREN MELDEREN INN NORSELAND SV����I SIKKER AT DEREN BLE SELV! Any comments to norselandic@hotmail.com