SPIDERA by Hamlet FIREFLY The Langthorne was to be transformed into a brand new Norselandic bar and restaurant called the Vampire Bar. No one would recognize the dreary Granite ever again. It would be a memory from the past. Every stick of furniture, every glass and bottle ,every piece of carpet would be thrown away. Arnold the former manager would be allowed to stay as the toilet slave . The 3 Portuguese bar staff Joao, Maria and Marena would be allowed to stay only as kitchen staff. They would be replaced by Norselanders as Bar Marshals. There would be 2 of them altogether. They would be called Marshals and would be dressed in Cowboy outfits .Their names were Fierfly and Kristen who were Partners and Martha and Erik who were also Partners. As I have written there is no such thing as marriage in Norseland only Partnership.(see Episode 1) They would have to be addressed as Sir and Madam by the customers.Firefly would become the Supervisor of the kitchen staff only.All the cooking would be done by 2 Papian chefs Ieio Tahini assisted by his wife Mahia and Stefi Uaakatua now that he had left that Chinese restaurant the Loon Homg.The new Associate Manager would be Firefly. She would be addressed as' Miss Nastisson.' A beautiful modern restaurant and bar would take its place the nearest equivalent being All Bar One All the furniture would be IKEA with polished floor boards and art work including colour pictures of Norseland on the walls.At the entrance would be a large Norselandic flag and a huge portrait of the Queen Goddess for all to worship and admire! There would be a separate dining and dancing area .Around the walls would be TV screens showing only Norselandic TV and Norselandic sports such as Surfing, Gymnastics,Norselandic Rules Football Water Polo, Gym Kata Skiing and Aerobics.The whole premises would be so spotlessly clean that you could eat a meal off the floor! The dreary days of the past would be well and truly over under Her management.There would be an Opening Night with a Cow Person barbecue where for as little as 20 pounds customers could eat as much as they liked ,drink as long as they did not get drunk and dance the night way .She would hire a country band called the Valhallas who would play country music. There would be line dancing and cowboy dancing .She was determined everyone would have a great time without causing any trouble. If anyone did She was prepared to deal with them personally just as She had dealt with the dog stadium crow(see episode 11) On subsequent evenings there would be karaoke ,singing competitions and more bands playing like all Norselandic bars .This was a place for people to enjoy themselves, not just places to go and get drunk! She was determined to have a place where people could escape from the drink culture so prevalent in England. She also wanted customers to be able to stay the night just like thay could in Her Nation .She would have an extension built partly from the money from the sale of the criminals' property. Love Rooms would be built where customers could spend the night with their partners in a steamy session and enjoy a full 'stick to your ribs breakfast' in the morning. The rooms would be equipped with king size beds ,TVs, showers and a stock of sexual aids and adult films .This would be an opportunity to spend a night with a hunky Norse Man or Woman.Of course full sex was not permitted with a Norse Woman ,though everything else would be allowed .As far as Norse Men were concerned, they were free to screw English women absolutely senseless! Of course strict rules would have to be enforced which She and the Marshals would enforce ruthlessly! Good manners were essential as were clean finger nails before eating.No drinks could be ordered without food to prevent drunkeness. The Rules of the Bar would have to be obeyed without question or else.Smoking would only be tolerated in certain areas and would be banned altogether eventually as it was in all bars and restaurants in Norseland. Everyone's appearance had to be clean and tidy, suits or smart casual at all times.No one could consume more than 4 glases of beer or wine in one evening. After that they would have to drink soft drinks.Anyone making a mess anywhere would be forced to clean it up in front of the customers. Fraternising with Papians would be banned completely.-they were here to work and only work! All customers would be expected to conform and take part in entertainment. If a customer was asked to dance by a Norselander they would have to dance.There was no such word as No! Of course all these rules would be enforced by force .Spidera would patrol the bar with Her leather crop .Any customer causing trouble could be thrashed mercilessly in front of all the other customers. In fact Spidera was considering building a Whipping Block in the middle of the bar as a warning. Swearing or criticism of Norseland or the Queen Goddes would not be tolerated under any circumstances Anyone criticizing the Nation would be severely punished and could receive as many as 30 strokes of the leather crop in front of all the customers! In fact the bar would be a piece of Norselandic territory situated in East London. That meant that British laws effectively did not apply .If there was trouble the ROJ (the Royal Overseas Judges) could be called to arrest anyone causing a disturbance.What was more the ridiculous British licensing laws did not apply either whereby pubs had to close at 11PM .Norselanders were night people and 11 PM was when they were just starting to enjoy themselves!The bar would be open all night right into the next day when breakfast would be served (SEE EPISODE 2 to see what a typical night out in Norseland is like!) Also as this was effectively Norsleandic tewrritory only Norselandic food and drink would be served.Norselanders loved to eat huge chunks of meat falling off the plate, tons of potatoes and pasta and salad.They ate enormous portions not the miserable portions English people ate .In fact after a Norselandic meal many English people would have trouble standing up! For starters there would be potato shells or fries covered in pepper sauce or loads of mayonnaise,There would be soup of the day served in a large bowl with hunks of rye bread.There was also smorgasbrod a large open sandwich with rye bread and a choice of cheese fish chicken and beef again drowned in mayonnaise. For the main course there would be gargantuan chunks of various meats such as beef chicken 16 oz steaks, venison etc drowning in various sauces and with large side plates of salad and fries or creamed potatoes once again swimming in mayonnaise. Salad would be served with 15 ingredients again covered in mayonnaise or caesars salad. This would be followed by sweets such as vast layers of iced cream and fruits piled high. The helpings would be gigantic! With this in mind Spidera sent out invitations to the opening night a Cow Person Barbecue. They read as follows: You are cordially invited to a COW PERSON BARBECUE ON FRIDAY 5 MARCH AT 7 PM AT THE VAMPIRE BAR STRATFORD 12##'14 THE BROADWAY ,# # LONDON ,E15 4QS A TASTE OF PARADISE IN EAST LONDON! To celebrate our Opening Night! Have a rip roaring time! As much as you can eat and one bottle of wine and one jug of beer for only ##'20! Meats are cooked on an open barbecue! All the meats are cooked to a cinder if you like! 12 meats and fish cooked before your eyes! Chargrilled potatoes! Salad with 15 ingredients! Beans by the ton! Tropical fruit to the ceiling! We have a resident group the Valhallas to play country music and they expect you to dance! We have a line dancing Supervisor Martha. You'd better take part or else! RULES OF THE BAR 1. No swearing or criticism of our Nation or I will deal with you personally! 2. You will be served by Barpersons called Bar Marshals. There are 2 of them altogether. You will recognise them by their RED leather Cow Person outfits.Be sure to do as they say they carry rawhide whips and holsters so watch out! 3.No drunkenness! You can drink 4 glasses of beer and wine and after that it's soft drinks only! 4.No smoking.We Cow Persons are healthy! 5.No talking or fraternizing with Papian staff- they're here to work! 6.You must wear a stetson and check shirt and smart jeans No scruffy dress! I will be greeting you at the entrance in my Cow Person outfit. There will be a sign I'M SPIDERA PLEASE SPEAK TO ME! SPIDERA SADEQVIST THE MANAGER ANY COMMENTS TO NORSELANDIC