KIM TOTALLY HUMILIATES A PUB LANDLORD IN FRONT OF ALL HIS CUSTOMERS
by Hamlet



The landlord of the Goose pub in Stratford East London Mike lay� in the corner
of the pub in pure agony clutching his� neck in the most abject pain he had
ever endured in his whole life. He had been attacked by a big blonde foreign
Woman the largest Woman he had ever seen in his whole life. He had seen Her
grab his friend Bill by the testicles that had resulted in him falling on the
floor clutching his violated crotch. He had gone over to Her ordering Her out
of the pub for attacking his customer and had dared to call Her a f------g
foreign cow, that She could not treat his friends like that and that he was
going to bar Her from his pub!

She had simply responded by grabbing his collar in Her powerful leather gloved
hands and squeezing his neck. As he yelled in agony as She had dug Her razor
sharp nails right into his throat. He had responded by yelling with pain, a
noise so loud that the whole pub and probably the street outside could hear
too! She had called him a big fat� ugly bastard which in some ways was an
accurate description as he was certainly very fat and overweight and not very
attractive. She had told him in no uncertain terms that She was not moving a
centimeterand was staying just where She was in his pub.

She had twisted round and with just one move had grabbed him by the collar in
Her mighty leather gloved hand and had dug Her razor sharp nails hard into his
neck. She had told him that She was looking for someone called Jim Dawson the
child abuser. Her nails had torn into his throat, as they were as sharp as
knives. He carried on telling Her that he had never heard of the 'geezer' as
he had groaned in agony, as Her nails had torn hard into his throat nearly
drawing blood. It was only when Jim Dawson himself had come forwards and
admitted who he was that Mike's throat had not been torn to complete shreds
beneath the strength of Her hands.

Yet he was determined to do something about this foreign Bitch who was now
scissoring his mate in a deadly figure four Scissors Hold. He was sure that if
he did not do something soon to help he would soon be dead. She had one leg
wrapped completely around his neck and Her leg was wrapped around the other
leg so that the strength of Her two legs held his neck in a deadly vice. She
carried on crushing into him at the same time holding him by the hair and
pulling his head right back. His screams were like the sounds of Hell itself!

God what a sadist She was he thought. He had to put a stop to this he decided!
He decided that he had to move now and call the Police. He could not put up
with this any longer a complete stranger like this Woman walking into his pub
ordering him around and then using force on him by almost choking him to death
and then forcefully scissoring one of the customers! He knew the local Police
well. They would soon come round and throw this bitch out!

He managed to get to the phone without Her seeing him. She was so preoccupied
with scissoring the other customer that She had not noticed him walk to the
phone. He could hear the screams of pain from his mate that could be heard
right across the pub.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

A crowd had gathered around Her in admiration and awe. It was clear that they
were all scared that this could happen to them if they even looked at Her in a
disrespectful way.

He managed to get through at last. It was clear he was frantic.

'Is that the Old Bill? It's Mike at the Goose! There's a bleedin foreign
ronald ritch (bitch) over ere in me rub and tub (pub). She's squeezing the
life outta some poor geezer ere! She's got her mystic megs (legs) all round
'is� Billy goat (throat). � You better come soon or else 'e may be dead brown
bread (dead) soon!

'Don't worry we've 'erd the screams from other customers! We'll send a squad
car round don't t worry well be round there bloody quick!'

As he was speaking he noticed that the pub had gone completely silent and it
was as if he could hear a pin drop .His friend's screams seemed to have
stopped completely. He began to smell the aroma of leather and perfume that he
had just smelled only a short time ago. He could feel the same deadly fingers
squeeze hard into his neck.

'Were you calling someone?'

He could feel the fingers dig with dreadful force once more into his neck. He
managed to turn round and could see the same blonde Glamazon towering right
over him making him fell once more so wretched and inadequate.

'Err oi just fowt Oi'd make a call!' he said his head bowed in submission. He
once thought he was a really tough guy and yet next to this enormous blonde
Bitch he was no more than a complete wimp. He began to cry under the appalling
pain.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

'Though I am foreign and I can't completely understand your Cockney rhyming
slang the fact is that you we calling the Police. What's more you called me a
Bitch that's something I really don't like even if I can be a real Bitch!
What's more you moron your Police have no jurisdiction over Me' I'm
Norselandic and I came under the jurisdiction of our own Police the ROJ (the
Royal Overseas judges) and no one else else and My Supervisor Judge Miranda
Haarderqvist will arrest you for daring to call the Police on Me! You're in
deep shit arsehole!'

'Please Oi didn't meant it Oi jest don't want no barney rubble (trouble) luv
!'

'Don't talk to Me in that incomprehensible rhyming slang !Get on your knees
now! I've learnt a bit of your Cockney before I came to your country!'

'Me daisy roots (boots) need cleaning get on the rory o more (floor)!'

The whole crowd began to laugh at his total humiliation as this Woman was
reducing this one tough pub landlord to a jibbering idiot!

He hesitated at first but suddenly Her other hand began to move down and held
his crotch.

He knew what was coming next as sweat came pouring down his face as She
continued to hold him by the neck beginning to squeeze hard.

'Get on the bleeding floor or I'll bust yer nuts!' She said imitating his
accent and making the whole crowd roar with laughter. One of the crowd shouted
out.

'She's got you by the short and curlees!'

He realised that he had absolutely no choice at all but to do exactly as She
said since this Woman was absolutely deadly serious and meant exactly what She
said. He dropped down on the floor and took his tongue it and began to lick
Her razor sharp toes of the boot with all his power making sure he did not
miss a centimetre. He had decided that this foreign Bitch was deadly serious
and meant every single word She said. He looked up and could see the heel of
Her boot menacingly above him the heel ready to go into his neck if he stopped
for a second.

Just then he could hear a Police siren! He was going to be rescued at last
from this mad Woman he thought as he now started to lick the heel with all his
power.

Six Police ran into the pub truncheons in their hands as if they were going to
deal with a whole army of criminals.

They looked in horror at the sight of the pub landlord licking the boots of a
huge leather clad Glamazon. They looked in the corner and could see another
man writhing clutching his neck in agony.

'Look ere love just come with us and leave him alone!' one of them said trying
to sound tough.

'Look here arseholes I'm Norselandic and I don't take any shit from you! If
you don't leave soon I'll report you to My Supervisor Judge Miranda
Haarderqvist!

All six of them were genuinely in fear of Her they stood transfixed in the
corner.

She walked right over to them showing no fear at all displaying Her
Norselandic passport and a card showing Her name KIM ANDERSSON and the picture
of Judge Miranda.

'Well perhaps you're right. Just don't be too hard on him that's all love
please!'

All of them walked nervously out of the pub. They did not stand a chance
against Her and that She was almost certainly right exuding as She did so much
confidence.

She walked over to the landlord who was still sprawled on the floor.

'Well now its time to give you some serious Scissoring just like your mate!'

She knelt down and put Her mighty legs right around hid neck. He began to
sweat in total terror of what She was going to do to him

'TIME FOR THE HEAD SCISSORS!!'

Any comments please to Norseland@hotmail.com