HELGA AND BERGJOLT'S FIRST MISSION AS BANK ENFORCERS by Hamlet Helga opened the front page of the Grantham Journal There was a full colour advertisement for the Bank of Loving Control and Domination. . It read as follows.; THE BANK OF LOVING CONTROL AND DOMINATION Nat West in Grantham has changed its name! It is now the Bank of Loving Control and Domination. This reflects our drive to be the best and most powerful Bank in the country and then in the world. It also reflects our aggressive forward-looking approach to customers! You are strongly advised to open an Account. We can offer the following facilities if you open an account now! Large overdraft faculties at rock bottom interest rates. A Credit Card with preferential interest rates and lots of free gifts. Wonderful Mortgage facilities with free valuation and the lowest rates of any bank We have Personal Bankers and Enforcers who will give look after you and give you a free Body Massage as one of the many services we offer! You are then strongly advised to open an Account NOW! Send the application form today and an Account will be opened at once! MADAME HELGA BJORSTAD SENIOR ENFORCER AND MANAGER WARNING YOU ARE PERSONALLY AT RISK OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY IF YOU UNREASONABLY REFUSE A GENEROUS OFFER MADE BY THE BANK OF LOVING CONTROL AND DOMINNATION 'Right Bergjolt.We are going on our first Mission together. It will be wonderful, and we will enjoy ourselves together!' "Hooyre Bergjolt. Vi skal paa vaar foorste verkefni sammen. Det vil v�re yndislegt og vi vil kose oss sammen! 'The Mission concerns a road called Hayley Road where the BLCD wants to buy up all the property for redevelopment. A construction company called Mitchells 's will move in and demolish all the old homes and build luxury flats. Naturally all the new residents of the luxury flats will all have to have mortgages with BLCD! This will bring in a fortune for the BLCD and will help us to fulfil our targets!' 'Verkefni gjelder en vei som heter Hayley Vegur der BESY oonsker aa kjoope opp all eiendommen for ombygging. Et byggefirma som heter Mitchells, vil flytte inn og rive alle gamle hjem og bygge luksusleiligheter. Naturligvis maa alle de nye innbyggerne i luksusleilighetene ha pantelaan med BESY! Dette vil gi inn en formue for BESY og vil hjelpe oss med aa naa vaare maal! ' I will first show you a copy of the letter I have sent to all the residents of Hayley Road.' 'Jeg vil foorst vise deg en kopi av brevet jeg har sendt til alle beboerne paa Hayley Vegur. ' BLCD Grantham 27-28 St Peters Hill Grantham Lincolnshire NG31 6QG Dear Resident, MORTGAGE OPPORTUNITY! The BLCD would like to redevelop the whole of Haley Road where you live. We would like to redevelop it into an exclusive block of luxury residential properties. This will of course mean that your house will have to undergo demolition in order that the new luxury apartments can be constructed. The BLCD is prepared to offer you a brand-new mortgage at preferential rates. It will also pay you all costs of moving. This is provided you move out of your property by MONDAY 2 NOVEMBER 2020. I cannot stress strongly enough how much the BLCD need you to vacate your property as soon as possible. This is a very generous offer which you must take advantage of.it is urgent that the BLCD pushes ahead with its plans for redevelopment. I am sure you are aware of the urgency of this situation. I also note that may not have an Account with BLCD.Naturally I take a very serious view of this matter as we are a large and efficient bank that gives a far better service than any other bank. You must therefore complete the enclosed forms to enable you to open an Account and cancel your existing accounts. I must also ask you to cancel all your existing credit cards and only have a BLCD Credit Card only .We will consolidate all your existing debts into the new Credit Card and Loan which will be offered to you at preferential rates. Should you not take advantage of our very generous offers and not vacate your property by the due date , I will have no alternative but to take a more physical approach and take steps to ensure that you do vacate your property at once. I would advise you to take this letter very seriously. Yours sincerely MADAME BJORNSTAD THE MANAGER WARNING YOU ARE PERSONALLY AT RISK OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY IF YOU UNREASONABLY REFUSE A GENEROUS OFFER MADE BY THE BANK OF LOVING CONTROL AND DOMINATION 'Well Bergjolt you will be pleased to know that everyone in Hayley Road has taken advantage of our generous offer. The properties must be vacated by today. There is one exception a Mr. Bill Shore. There is always one bastard who does not cooperate! I will show you a copy of his very rude letter.' 'Vel Bergjolt, du vil v�re glad for aa vite at alle i Hayley Vegur har benyttet seg av vaart sjeneroose tilbud. Eiendommene maa v�re fraflyttet innen i dag. ' ; Det er ett unntak fra Herr. Bill Shore. Det er alltid en j�vel som ikke samarbeider! Jeg vil vise deg en kopi av hans veldig frekke brev. ' Here is a copy of his disgusting letter and my reply! 'Her er en afrita av hans motbydelige brev og svaret mitt!' 31 Hayley Road Brentwood Essex Dear Ms Borsatt (whatever your f-------g name!) I am sorry there is nothing you can do to make me vacate my property. This is a free country not Nazi Germany! Who the hell do you think you are! You are only a Bank Manager! I do not want a mortgage with your Bank and am quite happy with my existing account with Barclays. You say you are prepared to get physical. What the Hell do you mean you Norsi bitch? If you carry on making physical threats against me or threaten me in any way, I will write to your Head Office and complain. I will also call the Police to report you for harassment! Why don't you go back to your f---g Police state Norseland before I get you deported you fascist Norsi bitch! Yours Jim Wilde 'Well Bergjolt this is my reply!' 'Vel Bergjolt, dette er svaret mitt!' BLCD GRANTHAM BRANCH I write to reply to your very offensive letter. You did not address me in the correct way to start with. You address me as Madame Bjornstad in future! What is more you do NOT threaten to report me to the Police or to Head Office or you will be in even more serious trouble! Let me reiterate. I will go to any lengths to obtain your property and to make you open an Account with BLCD.It that includes physical persuasion rather than reasonable discussion that is your choice. I am prepared to offer you a very generous settlement at favourable terms, one that all your neighbours have taken up I might add. I am not prepared to be generous very much longer. If you do not take up my offer within one day of the date of this letter, then I will have no alternative but to visit you at your home or work premises with one of my Enforcers and use physical persuasion on you. This visit will take place at any time without warning. For your own physical safety, I would strongly advise you to accept this offer immediately. I am prepared to go to almost any lengths to obtain what I want. YOURS IN ANGER MADAME BJORNSTAD THE MANAGER 'Well Bergjolt it's November 2 and time for this bastard to moved out! I have found out from the BLCD database that he works at Sainsburys in Grantham ' We're going to visit him now. After today he will be homeless and a cripple!' 'Vel Bergjolt. Det er 2. november og tid for denne j�vla aa flytte ut! Jeg har funnet ut av BESY-gagnagrunni at han jobber paa Sainsburys i Grantham 'Vi skal besooke ham naa. Etter i dag vil han v�re hjemloos og lammet! ' 'I can't wait to get my hands on that shithead Helga!' said Bergjolt. 'Jeg gleder meg til aa faa tak i den skittenhodet Helga! 'Let us go Bergjolt!' La oss gaa Bergjolt!" 'LET'S KICK HIS ARSE!' VIDD SKIPUM RASS HANS! Any comments to norselandic@hotmail.com 'TO BE CONTINUED