HELGA AND BERGJOLT THE BANK ENFORCERS THE BEGINNINGS by Hamlet Hello, my name is Stephen I would like to tell you all about my Norselandic friend Helga. My stories are based on her experiences which she has told me all about. I have never been part of her, and her colleagues Bergjot's experiences you will understand. However, they have asked me to write them all down or rather ordered me to as they have told me all about their lives as big tough Norse Women as you will imagine. Anyway, I feel flattered that they have chosen me with my writing skills to describe them. It was an offer I could not refuse! They both l work together in a bank Nat West which is now the Bank of Control and Domination. I live in the same block of flats as them in a town called Grantham in Lincolnshire England. They have all very friendly to me. God help anyone who got the wrong side of them! As far as the bank was concerned their break came about a few months ago when a Norselandic bank the Bank of Loving Control and Domination the largest bank in the world had taken over Nat West The Chairman and CEO of the BLCD was a ruthless businesswoman Lady Breakneck who had been named Businesswoman of the Year. She had renamed Nat West the BLCD as the biggest and most powerful bank in the world. She believed in a totally new approach to banking that it should be ruthless and aggressive in its methods. As soon as she took over, she got rid of the entire Management Board including almost all the men. She sincerely believed coming from a matriarchal society that in the financial services as in most businesses' women were far more effective than men. She announced massive redundancies making almost all the male staff including the Middle Management redundant. She totally changed the appearance of branches getting rid of cashiers almost completely. She was not prepared to employ people who did jobs machines did far more effectively. At the same time, she changed the nature of the work in bank totally. She believed bank staff should be employed selling the Bank products and chasing bad debts and overdrafts. Yet most of all she believed that in the competitive world banks should be looking and actively searching for customers. They should do so by politeness and persuasion to begin with but if this did not work force and if necessary extreme violence would have to be used. She also believed that the BLCD should be involved in the fight against crime. Crime was affecting banking badly with millions of pounds being lost through bank robberies. Lady Breakneck believed that bank staff should be trained to deal with bank robberies instead of leaving it to the Police who usually came too late anyway. She also believed that the BLCD should lead the fight against burglary as millions were being lost through paying out insurance. Mugging meant people were injured and unable to work which meant that millions were lost to the Bank as these people went sick. The BLCD would take the upper hand in defeating crime! The ideal opportunity had come! Lady Breakneck had sent a letter to all staff on her first day in office Dear Staff I am Lady Breakneck your new Chairman and CEO.I demand from every staff member total loyalty obedience respect and submission to me and the BLCD. A new job in the BLCD has been created called an Enforcer. I would like to introduce the two new Enforcers at Grantham Branch who have recently arrived from my Nation Norseland Helga Bjornstad and Bergjolt Heggem . The role of an Enforcer is to: 1.Chase all bad debts especially mortgage arrears. 2.Persuade all individuals and businesses to open Accounts. Extreme force is to be used where friendly persuasion does not work. 3.Fight crime always by arresting and dealing with criminals and take part in the BLCD'S War Against Crime. That means the BLCD contributes over £1 million a year in fighting crime. Both Enforcers Helga and Bergjolt are extremely physically fit and have at least one sporting qualification or bodybuilding qualification and have excellent fighting skills including Gym Kata karate, taekwondo at black belt. Their Mission begins today! LADY BREAKNECK CHAIRMAN Helga turned to Bergjolt in the Manager's Office in Grantham 'This is a wonderful job Bergjolt We can get out meet customers, have a great time persuading and if necessary, beating people. We can use all our physical skills and have a great time. The pay is great to at £50000 a year plus commission too! 'Dette er en yndislegt joggetur Bergjolt Vi kan komme ut og moote kunder, ha det flott aa overtale og om noodvendig slaa folk. Vi kan bruke alle vaare fysiske ferdigheter og storkose oss. Loonningen er stor til pund femti tusen i aaret ogsaa!' 'If we can open five Accounts Helga in a week, we will be paid £2500 extra a week. Helga ' said Bergjolt 'Hvis vi kan aapne fem kontoer Helga paa en uke, blir vi betalt to tusen og pund fem hundre ekstra i uken. Helga,' . Helga sat at her shiny hew desk on her first day at the BLCD in Grantham. She was wearing the new BLCD uniform she now wore of black shiny leather - leather jacket, skirt, and high heeled boots. On the wall was a portrait of Lady Breakneck looking really intimidating in her leather trench coat with the BLCD logo on the side. . She spoke to Bergjolt who stood before her. 'We will begin our first Mission and tomorrow and kick arse! I I do not care what it takes. I want us to bring in £ millions for the BLCD. I cannot wait to get my hands on some bad debtors and to force some rich bastard to open an Account! I do not even care if we kill people to make them open Accounts. We will just get all the money from their estate. I will not accept failure. I want us to be known throughout Grantham and beyond as the BRUTAL BANK WOMEN! 'Vi vil byrja vaar foorste Verkefni og i morgen og sparke! Jeg bryr meg ikke om hva som skal til. Jeg vil at vi skal ta inn milljuun pund for banken. Jeg gleder meg til aa fa tak i noen daarlige skyldnere og aa tvinge noen rike bastarddur til aa aapne en konto! Jeg bryr meg ikke engang om vi dreper folk for aa faa dem til aa apne kontoer. Vi faar bare alle pengene fra boet deres. Jeg mun ekki samdykkja ikke dadd add misheppnast. Jeg vil at vi skal bli kjent i hele Grantham og utover som GRIMMUR BANKAKONAA!' Any comments to norselandic@hotmail.com TO BE CONTINUED