The Guinness Book Of Records
by GJ



Dear Readers: My obligatory cop out states that this story is a work of
fiction and any characters who bear resemblance to anyone living or dead is
purely coincidental. GJ

I loved that book and ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be in I really
badly. Well dear reader this is how I accomplished my dream. I was always a
thrill seeking kid. For example, I heard about this new girl in high school.
Her name was Valerie and she was captain of the girls basketball and shoot put
team. Her muscles had muscles and she regularly beat up the jocks from the
male football team for fun.

Well, one day I decided to whip her ass. So I went up to her and pushed her in
her rather sizeable chest with my index finger. "So, Val, you like to beat up
wimps, I hear. Well stand toe to toe with me and I will punch your lights
out." Valerie smiled at me and looked around at the crowd that had now
assembled. "I am gonna beat you to one messy pulp, sonny boy." Well she hit me
in the mouth and knocked our 4 teeth immediately. I managed to blurt out in
terror, "Oh my gawd, look thwat you did. You knocked out my teef. " She hit me
over and over blackening both eyes and she even broke my nose. After three
months in intensive care, I was released and sent home. The docs put me back
together real well.

My next encounter was when I was in the Army. I was taking a special course in
hand to hand combat given by a female Ranger. She was something. Her name was
Sargent Williams. She was African-American and she stood over six feet tall.
She wore jungle fatigue bottoms and a t shirt with the sleeves removed. Her
arms must have been around 18"....all ebony steel. At break time I was talking
with my buddy Jeff who came from Panama City. " I bet that Sarge is a bull
dyke and fucks other women", I carelessly said. Jeff laughed at that remark
but when he realized that Sargent Williams had over heard my remark, he beat
feet far away from me.

She walked up to me and flexed her huge arm in front of my face. With that she
said, "See this arm boy. Take your finger and trace the vein running from my
wrist up to the top of my split bicep. After that feel its hardness." I
complied, and said, "What’s your problemo Sarge? She looked me in the eye and
said come with me, behind the px now SOLDIER!" "OH are you gonna give me some
head, Sarge?" I was pushing it now. I knew it.

After we turned the corner she picked me up in one huge hand and lifted me off
the ground. Looking into my eyes, she said,"NO you stupid MUTHERFUCKER I am
gonna give you some fist." With that she hit me square in the jaw. Well, as
you can imagine it shattered in about four places. The whole platoon ran to
see what happened because her single punch sounded like a rifle had been
discharged. I was totally unrecognizable. I got a medical discharge after
that. I was in the VA hospital for about six months but they did fix me up.
Since you are probably wondering dear readers, the Sargent said I tried to get
funny with her and she walked away scott free.

After that I tried various other fun things, like going to a Dominatrix who
specialized in using her fists. Her name was Mistress Jane and she was a
competitive body builder when not rearranging some faces with her big hands.
Honestly, her hands were so big that they blocked out my vision just before
she let me have it. Her biceps were easily 19" and wanting to provoke her
some( remember I live on the edge). I told her that her arms were like sticks
and that she couldn’t punch her way out of a condom. This super sexy lady
dressed in an all leather suit and matching gloves, cold cocked me before I
could stop talking. Her walls were coated with red gore from my shattered
face. She continued hitting me back and forth until her leather gloves were
soaked in crimson goo. She took $500 from my wallet and dropped me off ,
unconscious, at the foot of the nearest hospital, throwing me out of her car
like a bag of garbage. I did recover, sort of, but couldn’t speak for five
months until they took the wire from my jaw.

So now you are wondering WHAT ABOUT THAT BOOK? Ok, ok I will tell you.
Recently , I read in the newspaper where they needed one male to work with a
female boxer and bodybuilder. If he got the job he was assured a place in that
distinguished book of oddities. I went down to the tryout area located
adjacent to the big event, which would take place in about one hour. I was
ushered in by a beautiful , very muscular woman by the name of Glenda. She had
beautiful features, really ripped arms and abs and an ass........well lets
just say I would have eaten my dinner out of it anytime.

Glenda explained that if I got the job, I would be the assistant of the main
attraction. That happened to be a very powerful boxer with a record of 25 and
0 against only men...all by knockouts too. She was also a champion bodybuilder
as well. Glenda told me that this Superwoman was called Chris....short for
Christine I guess. The rest of the time was taken up with me answering some
medical questions and signing some legal waivers. One said that regardless of
any injuries, I could not sue Christine. I think they call that "save
harmless" or some such term. I did note that one form asked for my blood type
and another explained that hospitalization was part of the perks of the job.

About ten minutes later Chris appeared. Well, she had to be the most beautiful
woman I had ever seen. She was 6'2" and must have weighed 225 deceptive
pounds. I use that term because she had maybe 7% bf. She was solid muscle. Her
20" biceps were unreal, as was her 30" quads, 49" lat spread, 20" calves, and
hugely defined back. She came over to me and prodded me in several places such
as my side, my stomach, which is very mushy, and even felt my non existent
biceps. "He will do nicely, I am sure. Get him ready. I must prepare." With
that she was gone. I did watch her hard, huge muscular ass move as she was
leaving. I also noted that I had ejaculated into my skivvies by that time.

"Getting me ready" consisted of me changing into an all white outfit made of a
very see thru material. I was given some water to drink. After that I rested
on a cot in the room until it was "show time". As I lay there, I wondered what
I was getting into but it sure excited me more than anything else I had ever
done before. The time flew by and I was led out onto a stage. Bright lights
were aimed directly on me . In addition, I could make out several hundred
women in the audience. They all looked very fit and capable of kicking my ass
as well. As I was led out by Glenda, the crowd began to cheer and stamp their
feet almost in unison. The noise that was generated by the muscular legs was
deafening. I stood there waiting..................and so did they.

Shortly thereafter Chris appeared. She was a vision of muscular beauty. She
was wearing a gold lame cat suit. As she approached me she called for silence
from the audience. They had begun that stomping move when she had appeared.
Immediately the group of Amazon spectators stopped. Chris walked up to the
mike and spoke these words, " Good evening fellow fight enthusiasts. Tonight I
have come here to do something that has never been done before. I will attempt
to create a new record for the Guinness Book. My task will be to knock out a
male as many times as I can and in many different ways. Your job will be to
keep count and to note how I will do that. Everything is being recorded and MS
Blake from GBR will officiate." Ms. Blake appeared.

She was easily 5'10 and had arms that broke the tape at 16". She was given a
great ovation as well. Christine finished her speech by introducing me. "Here
is the male who will soon be in the record book as well, of course he will be
a footnote but he will be in it. I stepped up to her and smiled, whispering in
her ear, "You bitch, you are nothing but an overrated hag and you won’t even
punch me out once." Well that should do it, right?

Chris stepped up to me and turned my head towards her. Then she took her huge
bicep and placed it under my jaw. I heard her say, "Oh I forgot something
first, watch little man!" With that she flexed her bicep and I watched it
expand and grow...oh my....20"....21"...22" 22.5" The sleeve of that outfit
split by the seams and fell away. She repeated the process with her other arm.
Well as expected the crowd went wild and Chris loved every moment of it. I did
too. My shorts were covered in jism.

The muscle phenom standing so close to me hushed the crowd with one hand and
turned to me again. "Now where were we.....mmmmmmmmm.......oh yes" She placed
her now unencumbered bicep under my jaw and holding it steady with her other
hand, she flexed. I felt this intense pain and then blood shot out from my
ears as I passed out for the first time. The crowded yelled, "Number one,
bicep flex out." Ms. Blake noted that in her log as well as the time. Chris
released me from her grip and I slowly sank to the floor. It was Glenda’s job
to bring me too. She wiped me off and put smelling salts under my nose. I
awoke with a start.

Chris approached me again. "So not to bad, huh big boy. The next one will
really hurt." She centered me just right and punched me in the mouth. She held
out her hand and counted. She stopped when 32 teeth were collected. I keeled
over, out cold. The audience responded, "Number two, left hook knockout".
Chris held my bloody teeth up saying, These will be auctioned off later
tonight. Again Glenda woke me with the salts and poured water in my mouth. I
was really hurt now.

Just for a change of pace, Chris punched me in the stomach. She broke 8 ribs
and caused severe internal damage. I puked up yellow and black and lots of red
before I passed out. "Number three, stomach punch knockout." This time the
salts didn’t work and Glenda has to do mouth to mouth...imagine that after
what I had just done too. I came to in about 15 minutes. The assistant wiped
my mouth and pulled me up by my hair.

Well it went that way time and time again. She knocked me out with a sleeper
hold using her bicep to choke me out, then an uppercut that broke my jaw, a
hook that broke my nose, a kick to my face which broke one cheekbone, a karate
chop to my neck which broke my clavicle, a front snap kick which broke my jaw
again, and so on and so forth. By this time I was not waking up but Glenda did
her thing and I was brought around. By the time I was almost thru, Chris had
hit me with every punch, kick, and hold known to man...ooopssssssss woman.

In the end, she had knocked me out so many times that her record would stand
thru the ages. OH she did finish me off for good with one last punch. She held
me by her huge hand and dangled me in front of her. I think I remember her
saying," OH, I didn’t tell you, did I ...your name will be footnoted
posthumously." Then she pulled back her arm for the last time. I could see
sweat running down her arms. She pulled back and I could see her fist loom in
front of me. "Just so you know, she explained.....I am going to drive what’s
left of your jaw into your brain so goodbye sucker."

As the crowd moved to the edge of their seats, Christine hit me with the most
powerful uppercut ever recorded. It caused my jaw to fragment into 25
different pieces. Each piece was propelled into my brain, like buckshot. Blood
sprouted like water coming out of the blow hole of a whale. It covered the
entire first row of spectators. They got up ,each one, and applauded as I fell
unconscious forever. I never heard them say, Final knockout ...terminal.