Pizza Girl part three
By Diana the Valkyrie


I used to love pizza. Tomato, cheese and pretty much anything else.
Mushrooms, capers, anchovies, olives, pepperoni, ham, bacon - whatever
took my fancy. But after a year as a pizza delivery girl, love died.
And I know why. If the pizza is cold by the time you find the house
that is cunningly hidden on the wrong part of the road, then the mark
isn't going to accept it, so what do you do with a cold pizza that you
can't sell?

You eat it. Cold pizza. And that's how I fell out of love with pizza.

So how does pizza get cold? It's in a cardboard box, which is quite
insulating, and I put it in an insulated container, and then in my
pannier bags. But even with all that insulation, when the mark doesn't
leave his porch light on, when all along the road the house numbers are
hidden and I can't find the god-dratted house, of course it gets cold.

And after the delivery, when it eventually happens, even if I've been
stiffed on the tip - I have cash, even if it's only a few dollars.  But it
turns out that some low-lives are so desperate for their next coke fix,
they'll attack a lonely pizza girl on her pizza bike.

Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying.
He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked
really stupid with it.  "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash
I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it."  But also on the
bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long.  I unclipped it,
and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught
him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the
knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick,
and he staggered.

Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat
looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment.
Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it.

So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my
hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and
smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had
his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking
his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade.

Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike
and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now.

The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins,
followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised
the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying
"Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey
stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the
sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the
moonlight.

Another day, another dollar. If I make three deliveries, I might be
carrying twenty dollars, twenty five if I get good tips. And there's
people so desperate that they'll rob a pizza girl for a Jackson. Maybe
I look like an easy mark. Maybe I should try to look like someone who
is dangerous and wicked.

So I started off with a wardrobe change. Black leather and chains.
And that made me think about Catwoman, so a small whip on the hip.
And knee-high leather boots with stiletto heels. This sounds expensive,
but it was all tax-deductible, because it was necessary for health and
safety at my work. Plus, I had an Arrangement. In exchange for all that
leather gear, I agreed to have an advertisement for "Libidinous Leather",
with "libidinousleather.com" picked out in chrome on the back. And
instead of a wimpy bike helmet, I got a full head covering motorbike
helmet in black, which matched my large black leather gauntlets. Bring
on the villains!

So, next time I went out, I looked too risky to rob. Even without my
pizza girl superpowers, I looked intimidating and quite a bit scary.
I got teased a bit at the pizzeria, they started calling me "Catwoman"
but I reckon it's worth it if it means I don't have to break bones with
my hockey stick.


Read the rest of the story on https://www.amysconquest.com