Challenge of a Modern Marriage
By Counselor



Introduction -- I have been interested in how women and men cope when the
woman has shown that she can dominate the man physically. Some friends have
noted that in most of my case studies couples adapt successfully. Of course, I
report those I find interesting, but I am not always successful. Some do not
adapt. I am sure there are also many who adapt without ever seeing a
counselor. Here is an edited version of five sessions with a young man who did
not adapt. He sought psychiatric help for anxiety attacks, sometimes called
panic attacks. The psychiatrist treated him for his attacks but referred him
to me for social and marital counseling. In a panic attack an individual
becomes, often suddenly, terribly frightened as if something terrible were
happening. Such individuals feel light headed and often as though they were
losing control. They gasp for air and sometimes experience tingling of the
hands and feet. It is a terrifying experience. Counselor

C: I understand that you have been having panic attacks.

P: Yes. I saw Dr. Jones and he gave me some pills that help, but

I still have them and I worry about having them. It does help if I

breathe in a paper bag. I always carry one just in case, but it is

embarrassing if anyone sees me when I am having one.

C: Dr. Jones tells me that you have been having some marital

difficulties and the first one came after something that upset you.

P: Yeah, that's why he sent me to you. He said you were an expert

on my kind of marriage and that you might help me.

C: What is your kind of marriage?

P: I never told anyone except Dr. Jones, but my wife ... well my wife

is very strong for a woman and ... and well she is stronger than I am.

C: How do you know that?

P: Well, we wrestle and she wins and holds me down.

C: Help me understand. Tell me all about your wrestling and why

you don't like it. And tell me about her, too. Start at the

beginning.

P: Soon after we were married, we were fooling around, sort of

kidding. I told her to get to bed and she said, "Make me." So I tired

to make her and I couldn't. I couldn't believe how strong she was for

a girl that is. So I kept trying and she kept pushing me off and

escaping. After a while she wanted to stop, but I wouldn't. I told

her I wouldn't stop until I got her in bed. Then she got a little mad

and said, and I'll never forget it, "Then I'll make you." Then she

started really wrestling and she threw me on the bed and had me in a

grip so tight that I couldn't up. She was on top of me with my arms

tied up and her legs around my head. I tried and tried but I couldn't.

It is a terrible feeling, having a woman hold you down. Finally she

let me up. I felt sick at my stomach. I was mad, too. I thought that

it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. A woman was bad

enough, but my own wife was worse. A woman shouldn't do that to a man.

C: Go on.

P: That changed our whole marriage. I couldn't just let go. I

went after her the next night. We both got mad and she got me down and

twisted my arm. And after that we had some more fights even after I

knew she was better than me.

C: You couldn't accept it.

P: Yeah. I guess that's right. I just couldn't accept that she

was stronger than me.

C: Is that when you started having panic attacks.

P: No. I'll have to go back. We fought like cats and dogs and

sometimes she was rough.

C: No. I thought about that, but I wasn't being abused because I

always started the fights. I should have known better, but I just

couldn't stop myself. But the funny thing was we were otherwise normal

and we had great sex even sometimes after she beat me up. Some times

that was especially good after she would hold me down. I even thought

maybe I would get used to it. Wrestling really gets her aroused and

she arouses me. Anyway one night we were wrestling and she held me

down. I stopped resisting and I thought that she would let me up and

maybe that we would have sex, but then she started feeling me up. You

know what I mean. She held me down and kissed me and rubbed my cock

and my balls with her hand. I was shocked. I tried to fight her off,

but she just kept it up. Then when I stopped fighting, she let me up

and we did have sex.

After that she would sometimes hold me down and make out. The time

before the panic attack she got hold of my balls and started playing

with them. It felt strange. I got very nervous when she held them in

her hand and squeezed them. I might get a panic attack now just

thinking of it. I felt so helpless and she had me by the balls. No

woman should do that. [He was getting visibly more nervous.]

C: You felt violated?

P: Yes, that's the word. I was helpless and she took over my

balls and played with them like she owned them and I was sick at my

stomach. Why does she do that to me? Anyway after that I had my first

panic attack.

C: And ...

P: And. Well I think she likes my balls and sometimes she takes

hold of them and I feel so I don't know out of control.

C: Have you told her you don't like it?

P: Well, sort of. I probably should have said more, but I don't

want her to know how much it gets to me.

C: It sounds bad, but you are still together.

P: [Long pause] Yeah. We really get along well the rest of the

time. I mean we have a lot of friends and we like the same things.

C: How do you feel when she holds you down and starts sex with

you?

P: What do you mean, "How do I feel?"

C: Do you respond sexually?

P: Yes. [Almost whispered]

C: So it's not all bad?

P: No and sometimes that's the worst part.

C: What do you mean?

P: She's playing with my mind as well as my body. No, that's not

it. I mean something happens inside of me and I forget about who I am

and what she does to me is very arousing and I don't want her to stop.

Part of me wants her to stop, but most of me doesn't.

C: What does she think about that?

P: She knows what's happening to me. She reads my like a book.

She gets very aroused, too. Sometimes I think it is like an ego trip

for her. It's great sex for me but bad of my ego.

C: Which bothers you the most, that she is stronger than you and

shows it a sexual way or that you like it?

P: You ask tough questions. I guess what really bothers me most

is that I am so helpless. I feel weak and totally in her control. The

sex is great, but she is doing it to me and I can't stop her and maybe

I don't even want her to even though she is a woman and I should be

doing it to her. What kind of a man am I? It's worse. Sometimes I

start wrestling just because I know how it will turn out and I hope

she'll hold me down and make love to me.

C: And you think she really likes that?

P: I know she does. The other night we had had a couple of

drinks. I pushed her toward the bed and she said, "You're tough now,

but, you know what? I'm going to make you weak and soft. I am going

to make you moan and squirm for me and then I'll decide whether to have

sex with you or not." And, of course, that is what happened. She made

me beg her to have sex with me, but she did.

I think I know after talking with you why I am having these panic

attacks. I am losing my manhood. I don't even control my own balls

anymore. I need to get away.

C: Think about this question. Suppose you were stronger than your

wife and you did to her what she is doing to you. Knowing she brought

it on and really wanted you to hold her tight even if she struggled

some and make love to her. Would that be OK?

P: Sure.

C: Then why isn't it all right the way it is?

P: Because I am the man. Women aren't supposed to do to men what

she does to me and men aren't supposed to by turned on by it.

C: Where did you learn that?

P: I don't know. That is the way things are.

C: Aren't you being sexist?

P: Yes. I am. I am a man. But when I am with her, sometimes I

don't feel like a man should.

C: [I kept trying to find a solution.] Your testicles seem to be

a problem. Would it be better if she didn't hold them.

P: I guess so.

C: I'll bet if you asked her.

P: You mean beg my wife not to grab my balls? Please, when you

hold me down keep your hands off my balls. What kind of man would do

that?

C: I could do it for you.

P: She'd know I was a wimp.

C: You're right. Bad idea. Look she's not the only wife who is

stronger than her husband. She's not the only wife who is the dominant

sexual partner. You're not the first husband with a stronger wife who

wants to dominate him sexually. You are not the first husband whose

wife has awakened dormant feelings he never new existed, whose wife has

changed his self-image of the strong, dominant, protective male. Your

marriage has probably changed her self-image as well. Many husbands

and wives have adapted well to this kind of modern relationship and are

happy, just as many are happy with the husbands dominant. Adapting can

be easy for some, and with difficult for others. Marriage is a

partnership, but in the sex usually involves dominance and surrender.

Most men can make the transition if they really want to and if they try

hard.

P: I'll think about it.

*********

P: I tried, but the panic attacks got worse. We're separated.

C: I'm sorry. It sounded like basically a good marriage, but the

panic attacks were telling you, it was not for you. I sure it's for

the best.