Advice to a Strong Woman By Counselor Counselor's marital advice to a strong woman. I have been asked for advice by individuals who find themselves part of a couple in which the woman is stronger that the man. I have been asked, "How do you advise such people?" There is no simple answer. The first thing to realize is that there are no cookie cutter solutions. Every relationship is different; every marriage is different; every love affair is different. For those who are interested, here is an example, one illustration, of advice that was given in one specfic situation. Janet Janet, 5 foot 10 inches, blond, athletic and quite competitive, had grown up as a tomboy. She enjoyed sports of all types. So did her husband, Joe, who was an inch taller than she. From early in their marriage they tussled playfully. Joe always was able to control her, as they both expected since he was the man of the house. Increasingly, however, Janet came to believe that she was better at wrestling than her husband. She thought she could beat him if she really tried hard, but, of course, she did not really want to try that hard. He was the man; she was the woman. It would be unfeminine to challenge him. But just thinking she could do it excited her and made her feel more self-confident. After a while she began to think of herself as stronger than Joe, certainly a better wrestler. She watched for opportunities secretly to test her strength against his. Could she lift what he could? Could she lift more? Could she open a jar that he could not? Could she hold him down, even momentarily, before she stopped trying so hard? Frequent success at these secret trials excited her and whetted her appetite for more. The desire to prove herself grew for a year and a half. Increasingly she wanted to test herself, to see what going all out against him would be like, to see if she really could win or if she were just imagining her ability. The urge to try, to do her best, grew more and more intense. Finally she could hold resist in no longer. They started tussling on the king-sized double bed. She was all over him. Every time he tried to escape from under her, she countered his move staying on top, keeping her advantage. Failing to escape, he managed to slide off the bed onto the floor, but she followed him, trapping him here, too. She did not try to pin him or to make him submit, only to keep on top of him or when he escaped to bring him back down under her control. She sensed he was giving his all and became more and more excited and intent on keeping him down. She was having a wonderful time. Five minutes, ten minutes, their movements were slowing; their breathing was labored; it felt as though their lungs would burn up. Still they battled. Now she was on top of him, her body across his, holding him on his back. He tried to rally, but he was spent and could not. All he could do was to wave his arms ineffectually. She had done it. She had done it. A wave of triumph swept over her. She wanted to shout and dance and throw her arms in the air and celebrate. All of her pent-up desire had been released in a crescendo. She pulled up, releasing him, a delighted smile on her flushed, sweaty face. That was what Joe saw, a look of happy triumph. He was exhausted, defeated and mostly just numb. Janet got to her feet and offered Joe a hand. He did not want to, but he took it and let her help him to his feet. That gesture underscored what had happened to him. He had been unable to control his wife; rather she had controlled him and was now magnanimously helping him up. He was too drained of physical and emotional strength to do anything but stand there catching his breath. She pressed her body against his. Then he understood. She was sexually aroused. She wanted him. They usually had sex after a good tussle, but that was when he won. He was not the least bit aroused, but he did not want her to know how he felt. He had to perform; he had to work himself up. And he did. Afterwards Joe had a hard time believing what had happened. He had had an off day. Maybe he had a flu bug that had weakened him without other symptoms. He needed some time to recover and let his stiff muscles become limber again and then. Janet was fulfilled. She was relaxed and happy. Winning had been a high for her. She had beaten a man, her own husband, who was no wimp. She, a woman, had done it. Women can do anything. She can do anything. She would never have to take a back seat to a man again. She began looking at herself in the mirror wondering how she could have done what she did, admiring her body, thrilled at her strength and power. The next time Joe was ready and began aggressively, but the result was more of the same except that the fight did not go on so long. Janet ended up sitting on a now tired and unresisting Joe, locking his wrists to the ground. Afterwards Joe would have nothing to do with sex. Joe gave it two more tries before he admitted to himself that his wife was a better wrestler than he. After each episode he stalked off without sex. In fact, he withdrew from sex completely. A friend of Janet's advised her to see me because Joe was unhappy and moping around the house. Janet realized that unwittingly she had crushed his male ego and was now worried about her marriage. She wondered if she could let him beat her without his catching on and wanted advice. By the time I saw her she had gone from the high of her life to the low of her life. She was afraid that she had failed as a woman and as a wife. She valued her marriage and her relationship with Joe more than anything in the world. She was really down and needed a boost to her ego. I started by congratulating Janet. Then I lectured her. "Janet, you are a truly modern woman. You did something that took more than just physical strength and more than physical skill. You acted as a whole person, beyond all stereotypes of sex and gender. You had a right to be proud when you beat a strong man and have a right to be proud today. You are a successful woman, a role model for young girls. You are a true pioneer. Don't sell yourself short. Don't go back to the age of your grandmother. "I know you feel bad for your husband. I feel bad for him, too. Change is always hard, but I will wager that he can make it through. The worst thing you could do would be to let him win. That would be trying to convince him that you are something you are not. And don't try to convince him he is something he is not. Have more respect for yourself than that and, just as important, have more respect for him. Both of you have to get real. Accept reality and deal with it." I gave her a plan as well. "After dinner tonight, tell him how much you love, respect and admire him just as you always have. Make over him as if you were still courting. Praise him. Then ask him to listen to you. Talk about your fights. Let him understand how much beating him meant to you precisely because you love and admire him so. Let him know it was one of the most exciting moments of your life. Tell him you hope he can love and admire you for who you are just as you love him for who he is. Then give him a hug and a kiss. If he pulls away, let him go. Just say, 'I love you.' If he hugs you back, then you are on your own. Come see me tomorrow and let me know what has happened." **************************************** "It was funny, I mean, well I don't know. I fixed him an especially good dinner. Afterwards I told him how much I loved him and admired him. I had been shy about doing that since he had been acting so mad and withdrawn. I mentioned how smart he is and how I depend on him for so much. He listened and looked down and his face got a little red. He knew I was trying hard to make up to him. Then I told him please listen while I tell you how I feel. I said how much beating him had meant to me. He looked up, then, and stared right at me surprised. I told him that beating him was one of the biggest thrills of my life and that I really felt good about myself. Than I told him that his being mad about it took all of the joy out of me, but I had to be honest. I would not go back and pretend it didn't happen or that I was a weak woman. I said I wanted so much for him to love me for what I am and for who I am just as I love him for who he is and what he is. He just stood there and stared at me. I know he had expected me to back down and apologize or something. Then I hugged him and gave him a kiss. He didn't move. He did not hug me back or pull away. He just stood there. So I said, 'I love you,' and got undressed and went to bed. I read for about a half-hour and then went to sleep. He had not come in, but he was there by morning. Now what should I do?" "You made a good start. He does not know what to think. Just keep trying to help him accept reality. Tell you are glad he let you kiss him and you would like to do so again. If he doesn't object hug him and kiss him again. Don't overdo it; just let him know you care. Act as natural as you can. I think he will come around. If you feel comfortable, ask him if he wants to consult someone. Tell him that you know getting used to the new world is hard. I would be glad to see him. Call me any time you think I can help." A week later, I had a call. "He's just the same. He lets me hug and kiss him, but he's just like a log. What should I do?" I thought it was time for more action and said, "Wait until bedtime and then say to him, 'I love you and I think it's time for us to make love. Since I am the stronger, it's my duty to make love to you. I won't do it against your will, but unless you tell me to stop, I am going to make love to you like you've never been made love to before.' And then do it. Take the initiative. Whisper to him. Tell him how sexy he is and how he turns you on. Kiss him. Fondle him. Forget that you're the woman and he's the man. Be firm and be gentle. Be gentle but be strong. You are stronger, and you are tougher. You've earned the right to lead. He knows it just as well as you do. Don't try to make him play the role of the traditional male. He knows he can't anymore just as well as you do. You have to accept the change in your marriage just as much as he does. When you are both ready, mount him. Don't expect him to mount you. Make him yours and make him love it. You can do it." "Wow! Really? Do you think I can? Wow! What a blast that would be!! Wow!" Excitement showed in her voice. The next day the phone rang. "We're cool. He's talking normally and laughing. He accepts me for who I am and I accept him. He's happy again. Imagine that. Of course, I'm very happy. It was so exciting. I made love to him all the way and he loved it. I could tell. Our sex was the best we have ever had. Who would ever have thought that I could do what I have done. I am stronger and tougher. I am the leader. I never knew a woman could do what I have done and that a man would love to have a woman make love to him that way. Thank you for the advice. Thank you. Thank you." I called Janet the other day, before I started to write this, just to see how things were. It had been five years. "How are things?" "Cool. Great. It is funny. We still tussle sometimes. He usually starts it when he is in a certain mood. I play around with him and then, after I beat him, he just lies there waiting for me to make love to him and I do. I love it. I love being on top of him and making him mine. And I know he does, too. Is there anything wrong with that?" "No. Nothing wrong with that."