High School Years: 3 By Corbin How life tests the endurance, patience, and sometimes faith of one young woman. Pre-Story Introduction/Ranting/Venting/Observations... I think I was destined to do physical labor from the moment I learned to walk. My parents engaged in a constant struggle over that issue. It all started when I would try to help my dad push the lawnmower around the yard when only a toddler, pretty soon that would come back to haunt me. At about the age of eleven I was out pushing that crappy lawn mower around the freaking yard. I swear every rusty wheel fought me every inch of the way, I cursed the grass...that stinky lawnmower, but it was good therapy as I felt like I was exercising every personal demon I had as I chopped/hacked/butchered those little blades of grass. I think I even got an evil grin on my face as I watched those little blades of grass fly out the side of that joke of a lawnmower. One time I set the blade so low that it damn near got cut down to the dirt...you should have seen my dad running out of the house, yelling, boy was he pissed! I just shrugged and waived my arms out to my side playing dumb; 'What?' I would say innocently. 'You know what!' he snapped. But no matter, that grass kept growing. This was also about the time when guys started to notice me...you see I was taller then most of my friends so older guys in the neighborhood driving by would stop to talk to me while mowing. That is until I told them my age...and if that wasn't a deterrent, well my Dad would step out onto the front porch. Not to mention that it freaked me out a little...I'm used to the boy down the street wheeling up on his bicycle....not some guy pulling up in a car, who is a whole school ahead of me! (And do you guys get jealous...and I'm not even your girlfriend! As soon as one guy would leave, the next would be like 'Who was that? Who was that? What did he want?'..........He wanted to help me cut the grass...Duh!!! What do you think?) Rolling-up while I'm cutting the grass annoys the heck out of me, why? Because 'I'M CUTTING THE GRASS!!! I'M BUSY!!!' I smell like grass, gasoline and I'm all sweaty and yucky. But they would just pull their car up to the curb and get out; "Hey Corbin, what's up? Haven't talked to you in a long time!" There eyes all big and gawking. 'IM CUTTING THE GRASS MORON!' Is what I would think while I just smiled to there chit-chat about their car...going to the movies or whatever. The other problem is that if I stopped that piece of junk lawnmower, it took like fifteen pulls to get it going again. My dad just smiled at me while I mumbled my complaints. He would just tell me to 'figure it out', so I did and had him take me to the store to get a new spark plug, filter and I figured out how to do it all by myself, even if it took me most of the afternoon. Sitting out there in the hot sun...frying my brain, sweating, burning my fingertips on that stupid sparkplug. I was like clock work, every Saturday morning you would find me cutting the grass and the guys figured that out really quick. I never was able to finish cutting that yard from start to finish without someone pulling up to chat. And then, well...obviously the wrong guy stopped by one day because the following weekend a car wheels up and some girl I had only seen casually from school comes storming up my front yard yelling at me. (You ditz brain, I can't hear you because): A: Your way down by the street, and B: The muffler on this shitty lawnmower is rusted out. So I turn it off and stand there while she chews me out to the effect of: "Don't you talk to Billy ever again bitch or I'll knock your block off!" It was pretty damn close to that as she was getting closer to me...invading my personal space, but before I could answer she snaps: "You understand me!" And jabs her finger right up close to my nose. (Can't I just cut the grass in peace?) "Uhm, Okay" I say. That was my first, but not last threat to stay away from some girl's guy. But I'm just cutting the grass! They are stopping by MY house, coming onto MY yard and talking to ME! Gheesh...then I would have to listen to some crap about some girl threatening to beat my ass because the guy she likes is talking to ME. But after I beat the snot out of Taylor in the gym that day...no girl ever threatened me again. 3 Later that evening as I was shutting down my computer, I found myself just staring at the monitor, watching the screen grow dim before slowly opening my desk drawer for probably the tenth time that night. From the drawer, I withdrew the crumpled up piece of paper that Sharon had given me, my hands lowering to my lap as I replayed everything that happened earlier in the day. 'This is ridiculous' I tried to shut it out of my mind, not that I truly wanted to, but every time I thought about what happened, it took every bit of self control to fight off those conflicting thoughts. 'What the fuck is wrong with you?' I shook my head with despair and perhaps a little disgust that I would even consider a simple hug as being something 'pleasurable' and not in the consoling sense of the word. Clutching my fists tightly as I rocked forward in my chair as if trying to tense every muscle in my body. But a sudden knock on the door sent my entire body jerking upright, and suddenly as if someone had opened a drain plug, all of my swirling thoughts were suddenly sucked from my mind and body, back into the recess of my subconscious; "Yes?" My voice cracking and coming out somewhat meek. My mom leaned into the room, "Corbin, it's getting late. You okay?" Looking at me, I know I looked somewhat panicked, maybe even had a third eye growing on my forehead from her concerned expression. "Yeah...*aghm*...YES mom, I'm fine, just a few more minutes" All of my defenses came up, and like most teenagers I needed those defenses to maintain some amount of control in my life...and some privacy, the constant struggle for privacy as I fought to figure out just where in this crazy life I fit in. "All right, but you know you have a hard time getting up in the morning if you don't get to bed early." "Yes mom! I know!" I answered impatiently, not meaning to get snippy but I was really stressed about this phone call and not to mention my parents insisting questions and worries. "Okay...okay, Goodnight" My mom smiled. "Goodnight" I smiled as my mom quietly closed the door but hesitated to leave. I was an only child and while I know my mom felt guilt for being constantly nosey, she also felt relief in the same breath because it eased her mind to check in on me frequently, where as my dad would just stick jersey on my head and tell me to 'go to it!' pushing me onto some field to play field hockey...or soccer...or whatever. Blinking in disbelief, I looked down at Sharon's phone number as I simply shook my head, "Girl, you are trouble I don't need" And quickly balled up the paper aiming for the trash can, but stopped short of the throw. Letting out a deep sigh I unfolded the paper, yet again, and swiveled in my chair to stare at the phone next to my bedside table. Shutting off the desk lamp I turned and slowly crawled onto my bed and stretched out over my covers pulling the phone in close. Lying on my stomach I rested my head on my outstretched right arm, thinking...contemplating. Meanwhile, my legs were bent so that my feet pointed upward at a ninety degree angle as my ankles crisscrossed a few times nervously, thinking maybe it was too late or should I even take Sharon's request seriously, looking for a possible way out of the call. "It's too late, not a good idea, besides we have nothing in common!" I kept doubting, but I just stared at the receiver. Besides, I knew that making this phone call would be crossing every major social 'no-no' there was in the unwritten rulebook of our High School. It felt dangerous and that excited me, beckoning me to choose the lesser-traveled path, 'Like crossing a phantom picket line and going over to the other side' I thought with a smile, looking over I was surprised to find my hand now resting on the receiver, and still I stared, and stared...and... ...and then I was calling the number...holding my breath as I heard her click over... "Hello?" Sharon said in a somewhat impatient manner, I almost hung up the phone, she sounded pissed and I hadn't even spoken yet! "Hey Sharon, it's me...uhm...Corbin?" I sounded pathetic, I wasn't even sure of my own name. It took a second for Sharon to respond and I wondered if she had forgotten who I was, oh well, I tried. "Hey! How...how...how are you?" She suddenly blurted out...her entire tone changing, 'Whew the relief I felt was incredible.' "You sound in a good mood" I smiled to myself, glad that I didn't wake her up. "Sorry for calling....." "Can you hold on a sec? I have to get off the other line!" Sharon clicked over before I could even respond. Clicking back over, "Ok, sorry." I heard her say. "That's ok, anyway, sorry for calling so late" I rolled onto my back and twirled the phone cord in my fingers. "No it's fine, just up chatting and stuff, you know. So what's up?" "Oh, just working on a paper for tomorrow, last minute thing, got it finished. And I wanted to call...and..." Oh no...my mind is drawing a blank...I suck at chit chat...this will never work. I am now starting to panic...I am totally out of Sharon's class... "It's okay Corbin...I know, things at school make it, well kind of tough." Sharon said. She was so sweet to me on the phone and seemed to totally understand what I was trying to say. "Yeah, real tough" I sighed again, "I never realized how hard it would be until you actually try, you know" "I wouldn't have given you my phone number if I didn't mean it. And besides, we don't bite and were not stupid!" Sharon just laughed, "No matter what those assholes say. Sorry, I know some of those assholes are your friends." "No, it's ok Sharon, some of them are real jerks. And you know what?" "What?" "I know you're not stupid" I said sincerely, and I don't know how...but I could just tell she was smiling on the other end of the line. Neither of us spoke of what happened in the locker room earlier that day, our conversation was going too well and everything felt too 'normal' at the moment. In reality, I did most of the listening, but I didn't mind, Sharon made my laugh with all my bitchy gossip and it was easy to get caught up in the positive energy Sharon radiated. ~~~~~ The next day would prove to be anything but easy, as I glanced over and caught site of Sharon walking by. My heart just about leapt out of my chest as my hand came up with a wave, but my look conveyed hesitation and my wave was barely one of acknowledgment. I could feel my friends watching me, judging my every move. It was a sickening feeling to do that to Sharon as I watched the girl's smile slowly fade from across the hall. Sharon just stood there for a moment, dumbfounded, as I just went back to chatting with my friends, like she almost wasn't there. It had to be one of the worst feelings I could ever recall, and to top if off, a couple of the girls in my group shot Sharon some ugly looks. Quickly Sharon turned away and made a detour down another hallway to her next class, and I had to fight the urge to chase after her. "Did that girl just wave at you?" Jenn asked, looking over at me with an expression of shock. "God, I hear she's a real bitch." Vera chimed in. I painfully twitched with every cutting remark and my hands clutched my books closely to my chest in shame for not walking up and talking to Sharon, for being so fucking weak. 'Shit' I thought to myself, hoping they wouldn't ask anymore questions. "What was that all about?" Jenn persisted, much to my fear. "Oh, I don't know, I've maybe talked to her a couple of times in passing." I shrugged, hoping that would be the end of it. But Vera stepped in close and tugged on my arm, causing me to stiffen, "I'm saying this as a friend Corbin, don't get mixed up with her, or anyone of her friends. They are some of the most manipulative girls in the school and not to be trusted." Vera released her grip and looked over her shoulder cautiously. I nodded and looked down at the ground, "Yeah, I know, don't worry." I sighed, I knew Vera meant well. Almost purposefully, Sharon and I avoided one another over the next couple of days, as if each didn't know how to navigate past all the bullshit that our friends were throwing our way. By the start of Thursday I guess we both were resigned to the fact that School 'clicks' did in fact rule and I wasn't going to risk ridicule to talk with or be her friend and/or vice-versa. I guess I should just be thankful to have known her for a few brief minutes that day and our phone conversation was wonderful. Shit, this is stupid it's not like someone died or anything...and then fate stepped in as I like to think, I saw Sharon standing at her locker and no one else was around. "Hey!" I called out, I smiled as Sharon almost dropped a book in surprise. Turning her head I think she was genuinely shocked to see me standing there, and then I moved over to Sharon's left to lean against the lockers, cradling my own books to my chest. I tried to maintain this casual smile on my face as my head leaned against the metal lockers. I was actually amused at how differently we dressed, Sharon in her short, tight floral skirt and deep frontal v-cut, sleeveless cotton shirt and a pair of elegant sandals wrapped around a pair of the most perfectly manicured feet and toes I had ever seen. Not to mention her hair which always looked like I just came out of a salon. In comparison, I felt all frumpy in my baggy tan shorts and grey t-shirt wearing my old running shoes. My shoulder length blonde hair just hung loose, I was always brushing it out of my face, 'very annoying' I thought. For a split second, I thought I saw that familiar beautiful smile and eyes light up her face, but then *poof* gone, quickly replaced with a sadness over I guess the way I snubbed her earlier in the week. "Oh, hey...what's up?" Sharon somberly replied and I was shocked as she turned back to her locker and continued fumbling thru her papers, but in a bit more of an agitated manner. "You okay?" I knew exactly why Sharon was acting this way, but found myself unable to articulate the right peace offering. "Just fine, why?" Sharon tried to play it off and tossed her backpack over her shoulder. I was speechless and frustrated, I didn't have a clue where to begin. "Okay well, I better be getting to class. I just wanted to say 'Hi' Sharon, I guess I'll be seeing you around?" Now I was frowning as I pushed off from the lockers and slowly started to walk away. She never called or came after me, I mean, what's up with this? I didn't fully understand why it upset me so much. 'You really fucked that up.' I told myself, 'You could have at least apologized' as I slipped further into a state of depression while slowly walking down the hall to my next class. 'Same old shit' I continued to chastise myself, 'Stupid, tongue-tied idiot that you are.' and a deep painful sigh came from my chest, resigned to the fact that it's just how I was. ~~~~~~~ Thank you god! Fate was determined to bring us together before that dreadful day was over with. I almost stumbled down the track while running laps when I spotted her. She appears to have just finished her Cheerleading practice, but was lingering around on the field, glancing over my way and that's when I felt another opportunity to make things right. For some reason it made me nervous...even scarred. 'Your just trying to be friendly, why all the anxiety?' I wondered, not even the explanation of the school peer pressure seemed to explain away the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I glanced over at Sharon a couple of times and she returned my look and a few more times we exchanged awkward glances, until finally, I slowly steered myself towards Sharon's direction. 'Make an effort' I told myself, nervously glancing around to see if anyone was looking in our direction. Sharon had begun to nervously fidget and squatted down to untie and tie her shoelaces, trying to look busy as my heart raced faster with every step that brought me closer to her. 'Think I'm going to be sick' I thought rubbing my stomach and took a deep breath upon my final approach. "You want some company?" I finally asked, nervously running my hands thru my sweat soaked hair. "Sure, if you like" Sharon simply said, and she appeared to try and act nonchalant about the whole thing. Damn she's going to make me work for this... Slowly I sat down on the grass opposite her and stretched out my legs, it felt good and I started to massage a tender muscle in my right leg. I caught Sharon watching my fingers kneed my tired thigh muscles before quickly glancing away. I don't know why but I just smiled at that, I think it was just innocent admiration of my muscles...I guess...I was naive then...still am I guess. "Aren't you afraid you going to be seen talking to me?" Sharon decided to jump right into the issue that hurt her the most, but kept looking down at the laces of her shoes. It caught me a little off guard, but I took a deep breath; "I don't care about that...well...at least not anymore and I'm sorry for being such a wimp that day when you said 'hello'." I stopped working my muscles and frantically plucked several blades of grass around my outstretched legs while staring down at the ground. "You're not a wimp!" Sharon looked up I guess thinking about how I had taken a stand against Taylor and Janet. Hearing Sharon jump to my defense like that made me suddenly look up and my hand froze in the grass. Sharon was just sitting there, meeting my gaze head on as we locked eyes with one another for what felt like the first time in a long, long while. "I know what you're thinking Sharon, but standing up to those two idiots was easy or so it seemed. Also, you didn't look like you were ready to back down, you were just out numbered. I guess I'm really talking about how I caved into pressure...from my friends...you know?" I seemed lost in thought and gently shrugged my broad shoulders before looking down again. "What is it? Tell me" Sharon asked. "Seems like you put up with allot more shit then I do in this school, so in one aspect you're the brave one I guess. You even waved and said hello that day I blew you off." Sharon seemed to smile at that memory, now that things were looking better. "But Sharon..." And then I couldn't keep my look from turning serious, even sad, I could tell it was tearing Sharon up to hear this and the sudden 'grave' look on my face made her swallow hard. Jesus I'll never forget that look of pure empathy she gave me. I didn't finish my sentence right away, but stopped abruptly and quickly looked away as I was a little caught off guard by my own emotions. Sharon just watched compassionately as I struggled...until I only had one way out and that was to just blurt it all out; "...I promise, that if you give me another chance, I'll be the best friend you ever had." Well, that was it, my voice cracked as my right hand came up to wipe some tears from under my eyes. Initially I tried to mask them by continuing to wipe the sweat from under my chin and forehead. When I finally turned and placed my right hand back into the soft grass I felt something that totally blew me away. Sharon had taken the opportunity to lean in and discreetly touch my right hand with her left. It was the best feeling I could ever recall...she was still silent and now smiling at me as I saw some tears running down her own cheeks. Not that anyone was paying particular attention, but in this place the windows have eyes and while we gently held hands in that grassy field, it seemed to take some amount of effort to maintain a little discretion. "Corbin, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I'd like that, more then anything in the world, but please don't be so hard on yourself, allot of the crap you've been hearing and dealing with is allot of my own doing over the years also." Sharon's big blue eyes turned soft and emotional as her lips even betrayed a tremble. 'There it was again' I thought, I looked across the short area that separated us and I caught myself giving Sharon a look that I would normally never give another girl and that alone scarred me. But the gaze Sharon gave back seemed to have an equal amount of longing, but I was no mind reader and didn't dare carry these thoughts a step further; 'For all I know, Sharon's being nothing more then a caring friend, you're the one that's probably reading way too much into this.' I told myself and snapped out of my funk. "I know I'm being kind of hard, but..." I blinked my eyes, trying to flush out the faint trace of a tear, "...I guess I'm just so damn disappointed in myself." And that's as far as I got, the bell suddenly rang for last class and our hands slowly withdrew as the activity of voices and class doors opening drew us out of their private moment. "Uh oh" Sharon smiled and looked over at the building, then back to me, "You sure you wanna be seen walking with me back to the gym!" Sharon said with a teasing, flirtatious look. I shook my head with a faint smile "I think I can handle it." "By the way..." Sharon smiled, looking to me from where she was walking to my left, "...while I appreciate that comment about 'me' putting up with allot of shit in this school, I do know that I am the cause of allot of it". "Well, that's true" I smiled and continued to look at the ground. "Why you!" Sharon chuckled and gave me a playful but firm shove on my left shoulder.