Incomprehensible Susanne
By Chameleon

Email address: ThinkTruth@Hotmail.com

How am I to relate to this world? That has been the key question for as long as I can remember. I am a restless soul in constant search for something to set my mind at ease, but whenever I find it, I turn numb, and long for the emotional turmoil that lay such a solid foundation for creativity. To be alive is to be frustrated.

According to Schopenhauer, will is evil. I profoundly disagree. Will is the only thing that's good, and without it we would dismember into nothingness and end up as an indistinguishable part of the flat energy of the universe. The world is full of equalisers, and our main obligation is to resist their effort to make us part of the evil grey mass, commonly referred to as "people'.

How many have I met who agrees with me? Among people in their twenties, maybe a few, but when I spoke to them a few years later, they had lost their edge, seemingly viewing their once so glorious rebellion as a past stage. The reason for this is that the most vicious of equalisers lies within yourself; The need to feel comfortable. -Not happy, ecstatic, intrigued, inspired, or enthusiastic; no, mindlessly, comfortably at rest with oneself, satisfied with the laciniated set of thoughts one tries to sell off as life-wisdom.

I was a 23 years old and studied mathematical analysis when I met Susanne at the student's canteen. There were no vacant tables, and she was the only one sitting alone. I asked her if I could join her, and she responded with a friendly, but reserved "yes".

She was a big woman, at least as tall as I was, and I took particular notice of her hands, which were larger than mine, connected to unusually thick wrists for a woman. Her face was coarse-grained, and she couldn't be said to be beautiful by any normal standards, but there was something intelligent and not quite definable about her facial expression that gave me a positive impression of her. I guessed she was in her late twenties.

She was writing something in a notebook, and after sitting for a few minutes in silence, I started to get curious.

-"What do you study?"

-"Philosophy", she answered without looking at me.

That immediately awoke my interest.

-"I love philosophy."

-"You do?", she responded unenthusiastically, still focused on her notes.

-"Yeah, I study mathematics, but philosophy is my main interest."

She looked up with a smile on her lips.

-"So, why don't you study philosophy?"

-"To avoid the inter-subjective tyranny of academic philosophers."

She raised her eyebrows.

-"I think you got a point there.", she answered and seemed slightly impressed.

I was very happy with the response, and had to focus not to get overly eager.

-"So, for how many years have you studied it?"

-"I've just finished my major."

-"Did you get a good grade?"

She shook her head.

-"No, I wrote about Otto Weininger, and is obviously out of tune with the standard opinion of him."

I smiled.

-"Exactly. Originality is not tolerated. I've taken one exam in philosophy in which I wrote that the hypothetical-deductive method were the only adequate approach in science, and got a lousy grade. I didn't attend to any lectures, but were told afterwards by my fellow students that the professor had specifically stated that it would be unacceptable to claim such a thing."

She laughed a little.

-"I totally disagree with you, but if your argumentation was good, you still should have received a good grade."

I nodded.

She looked a little amused, and seemed to regard me for a few seconds.

-"You actually think that the hypothetical-deductive method is the only one valid in science?"

-"Yes"

She nodded with the hint of a laugh before she shook her head.

-"Mathematician, ha?"

-"Yeah."

For a brief moment it seemed like she had taken genuine interest in me, but then there were a subtle shift in her eyes, and she stood up.

-"I have to go, but it was nice talking to you.", she said and gave me her hand with something that looked like self-coerced politeness.

I was a little baffled by this rejection that seemed to come from nowhere, but shook her hand and bid her farewell.

I felt strangely empty inside when she left. I'm used to that conversations with people doesn't go anywhere, and that whenever I try to go directly to the core of matters, people respond negatively. She seemed different though, so it felt like a hard slap in the face from reality to see her leave just when the discussion started to get interesting. People like to wander around in circles around an issue, but never move towards the centre. -Perhaps because they're afraid of what they might find there.

I went home and felt again isolated from the world. There is a positive aspect of that though; I am never so creative as when I'm miserable, so after drinking a couple of cups of coffee, I sat down and tried to write a poem. This is what I managed to put down on paper:

Satisfied with it, I sat down in the couch and listened to "Man in the long, black coat.", by Bob Dylan. It's a song about the turning point in life when people give up their ideals regarding love and adapt to what's so wrongly referred to as "reality'. You loose your creativity, inspiration, and genuine thirst for life. Without love, there's nothing.

I started to read in my math book, and decided to forget all about this "just another rejecting woman'.

***

Sometimes everything feels meaningless. You're neither happy nor sad... just numb. Give me a proper sadness instead, something with emotional substance! Anything is better than to live a life without passion.

This was exactly how I felt the day I walked through the forest one Wednesday afternoon after writing another poem about the meaning of life. It wasn't much to speak of, but it was the best I'd accomplished in days. The feeling of having lost all writing inspiration for eternity had come over me, and with that a sneaking sense of my own worthlessness.

In addition, as it always is with creative souls, I hated the world. Genuinely hated it. 'And I was alone, and that gave me a reason to hate the world even more. Damn this godforsaken place! Couldn't just one woman say that she would take care of me? One, out of three billion?! Right then it felt like the answer was no. I was uninspired, irresolute, insecure, and numb; the mere personification of what women are not attracted to.

It was a nice walk. A drizzling rain cooled down my cheeks and gave me a feeling of freshness. It was more or less an illusion though since my brain still felt like it was made out of cauliflower. My waterproof jacket kept me warm and dry, which gave me the feeling of being a tough nut, defying harsh weather with greatest ease. Don't underestimate the comfort of conceit.

I walked deeper and deeper into the woods, unwilling to return to my small and lonesome apartment. It felt good. I have never been in a very good shape, and my body was pleased with this break from its normal use, being placed on an office chair in front of the computer and told to sit still. In all, I started to get positive thoughts, and if I just didn't remind myself of my inconsolable circumstance of life, I had the opportunity to fake happiness for an hour or two.

I wanted the walk to last for as long as possible and decided to go deeper into the woods than I ever had before. It was as if I was on an adventure, and started to imagine myself as one of the explorers in a time when there were still rivers and mountains to be discovered. To make it a little less ridiculous, I left the well-trodden path and fought myself through branches and mud. It was fun for a few minutes, but I soon got exhausted and tired of twigs scratching my ears and cheeks. But stubbornness grabbed hold of me, and I decided to go on. Imagine if Livingstone had given up after four minutes of difficulties! Or Amundsen.

I penetrated deeper and deeper into no mans land until I finally, after fifteen minutes or so, reached an opening. It wasn't man-made so I could not spot any paths nearby, but I chose a direction were the trees didn't stand very close.

It all started to become a little meaningless, but I wasn't ready to return to my miserable shelter, so I went on still. My mind felt a little less dense, and a hope started to arise in me that I might finally be able to do some creative work again. Right there and then I tried to put together a poem, but was forced to realise that the fog had not lifted.

After walking on this new path for about twenty minutes and becoming increasingly tired of this impressive display of manhood, I stopped to reconsider my ingenious plan. Disappointed that my endeavour had been futile, I started to walk back and thought about the miserable shelter that waited to envelop me with boredom and light despair.

It was about this time the most mysterious thing happened. Suddenly, from behind a tree, came a badger heading in my direction. It looked furious, and I soon realised that he was on attack. Frightened I ran as fast as I could, and managed just barely to keep my distance as it determinedly chased me deeper and deeper into the woods. I finally realised that I couldn't keep it up any longer, and in a state of panic, I managed to climb up a tree, leaving the angry badger waiting for me with its grudge.

-"What did I ever do to you?", I asked, but got no answer.

Soon, it got bored and left in the same direction it came from, but I distinguishably remember that it gave me one last look, as if to tell me that next time...

I just about had it. After a few minutes, I jumped off the tree and headed home.

I just barely made it. My sense of direction is a joke really, and I didn't dare to walk back the way I came in case the vicious animal was lurking in the bushes. But after a little period of disorientation, and a slightly awakening despair, I managed to find a path that led to the main road. Relieved, I decided never to abandon the well-trodden tracks again.

Safely indoors I let myself fall down in a chair and experienced a brief moment of comfort. 'But the hopelessness of my life was so apparent that I simply couldn't set my mind at ease, and started to walk around in the apartment in quiet despair. I ended up in front of the television and watched some mediocre sitcoms before it became late enough to go to bed. After lying awake for an hour in bed, trying to find some glimpse of hope to lighten my spirit, I finally fell asleep.

I didn't feel much better when I woke up the next day. The highlight of the day is usually right after I've eaten my breakfast and drunk the obligatory two cups of coffee. Then I'm in the mood for reflection and creative work, and for a couple of hours or so, life seems bright and giving. 'And I did get my spirit uplifted for a short period of time, but the underlying frustration was soon brought to the surface and made me feel despondent as ever before.

I decided to do something about it, regardless of what, and took on my dark blue coat to see if I could find any intelligent life in the incomprehensible patchwork they call society.

I pretended as if such a quest could be planned, and asked myself the following question: "Where are intelligent people most likely to be found?'. The only answer I could come up with was the university library, and I decided to pay it a visit right away.

The sun was shining although the newly fallen snow on the sidewalks did remind me of what country I live in. It was March, but spring had definitely not arrived yet. A couple of birds that had been on a vacation someplace warm and cosy past winter, did entertain us with their songs, but they looked kind of bewildered, and I expect they must have asked themselves why on earth they had to return so soon.

In the library I went straight to the philosophy section to see if I could find some helpful advice from a profound thinker. The first book that appeared to me was "Upon human destructiveness", by Erich Fromm. That wasn't exactly what I was looking for, so my eyes started to wander again until I noticed Ingjald Nissen's book, "The dictatorship of the psychopaths." Ok- I continued my search, and found many interesting titles, but none about happiness. I gave up, and grabbed with me "History of western philosophy", by Bertrand Russell, before I headed for the nice old lady who was in charge of the library that day.

She smiled when I handed her the book.

-"The book was criticised by many in the established academic environment- But I assume that just indicates that it's good."

I laughed a little.

-"Yeah- I think so too."

That brief moment of human contact put me in a good mood, and with a smile on my lips I headed for the entrance.

-"Hello"

Baffled I stopped and turned halfway around. On my right side stood the woman from the canteen carrying with her a green shoulder bag. She was wearing blue trousers and a tight, red pullover that did justice to her fairly large breasts. Her nut brown, curly hair reached her to her neck which was decorated with small and strange piece of jewellery; a yin/yang symbol, or something like that.

We didn't say much for the first few seconds, and she seemed to regard me a little. She then tilted her head to read the title of my book.

-"Taking a break from your math study?"

I nodded.

-"Yes- So, why are you here?", I asked to try to initiate a conversation.

She didn't seem too interested.

-"I have some books to return-"

-"Can I see them?"

Reluctantly, and with a reserved look on her face, she opened her bag and handed them to me. The first title I read was: "Philosophical investigations", by Ludvig Wittgenstein.

-"Have you read it?"

She nodded.

-"I'm impressed."

She responded with a half-hearted smile and almost let out a sigh. I realised that all my efforts were in vain, and decided to give up. A strange feeling arose in me as I handed back her books. It was a mixture of sorrow and despair, and in that moment all my fortitude was gone and left me in an apathetic state of hopelessness. I turned so she wouldn't notice, and started to move towards the entrance.

-"You're not very happy, are you?"

I turned around without a chance to conceal my state of mind.

-"No", I honestly answered.

She gave me a little smile.

-"I didn't mean to brush you off. Whether I will get a scholarship for my doctorate has not been decided yet, and I'm a little stressed about that. It might be that I'll have to write a new major to receive a better grade first, and that really pisses me off."

-"I understand.", I said and managed to laugh for a brief moment. "I would have been pissed off too."

She seemed to appreciate my support. Her facial expression and body language told me that she made an effort to be friendly.

-"I'm going to an Chinese restaurant after I've delivered these books, would you care to join me?"

-"Yes", I answered, not liking the obvious involvement of pity, but when you're dying of hunger, even a rotten tomato will seem delicious.

We finally presented each other, and she told me her name was Susanne. Then, in complete silence, we walked the few hundred yards to the Chinese restaurant by the harbour. It was hard to judge her mood, but she looked pleased with my presence. Maybe she enjoyed the thought of doing someone a good deed.

I was first to enter the restaurant, but she reached out her hand and opened the door for me, as if to make sure that I got safely in. It's what you would do for a child, and under normal circumstances I would have been offended; but in my state of mind, any attention would do. It actually gave me a warm feeling inside.

It was obviously not the first time she was there, and she took me directly to a table in a dark corner, seemingly to get as far away from the other guests as possible. After we'd looked briefly through each our menu, she said the following:

-"I'll pay, but only if you don't order meat."

-"Why do you want to pay?", I asked surprised.

-"Aren't you a poor student?", she asked with a friendly, but still reserved look.

-"Aren't you too?"

She shook her head.

-"No. I've never lacked money. I've lacked something interesting to do, but never money."

-"But then you don't need the scholarship."

-"It's almost impossible to get an doctorate through the system if you stand on the outside.", she explained.

I nodded.

-"It's that inter subjectivity again.", I said to demonstrate that I understood.

-"Always- Don't you hate the world?", she asked with a hint of irony.

-"Always", I responded and laughed.

She smiled and for a brief moment there was an experience of contact, but then she seemed to retreat again and was focused on her menu.

-"So, what will it be?", she asked.

-"Fried rice with shrimps- I don't eat- well, I eat birds, but not mammals."

-"Because?"

-"Because their our closest relatives in the animal kingdom and have the ability to feel and enjoy life as much as we do."

-"But not birds?"

-"I hardly think so."

-"Hm-"

She seemed only half-pleased with my position.

We didn't discuss the subject any further, and ate our meal in comfortable silence. I felt she liked me somewhat, and that was sufficient to make me relax and enjoy my food. In fact, I became afraid of opening my mouth in case I would say something that could repel her. I do that easily, you see, and members of the fairer gender are indeed easy to repel.

I kept peeking at her wrists that increasingly fascinated me. They weren't that much thicker than mine, but looked a lot stronger. Their massive appearance stood in contrast to the feminine way in which she moved her hands as she ate. I looked back and forth on her wrists and mine until she decided to let me know that I was observed.

-"Is there something fascinating about my wrists?", she suddenly asked as her eyes pierced wholes through my retinas.

My heart skipped a beat, and in that moment only honesty was seen as a possible refuge.

-"They're very thick."

-"Ok-", she responded without blinking.

-"I've always been fascinated by strong women.", I added nervously.

She seemed to consider my answer for a couple of seconds.

-"So you're fascinated by me?"

-"Yes"

-"Because I'm strong?"

-"Yes"

-"Ok", she then responded and continued to eat.

I felt about the size of Pinocchio.

We soon finished the meal, and after I'd rejected her offer to pay for a dessert, we left the restaurant without any clear hint of what would happen next. As we stood on the outside, she turned towards me.

-"Nothing is going to happen, but if you just need company, you can join me to my apartment for a cup of tea."

It wasn't good for my self-esteem, but for earlier explained reasons, any offer was better than no offer.

She lived on the third floor in a very exclusive building on the West Side of the city. Her apartment was amazing. It wasn't particularly large, but its interior was stunning. The furniture seemed to be from the eighteenth century and high quality prints of different paintings hang on almost every wall. She seemed particularly fond of Munch, but also Monet, Sisley, and Turner was represented. There was a gigantic bookshelf in the living room containing several thousand books, many of which looked antique, and an almost infinite variety of small objects placed around the room, not leaving a single spot unfulfilled. I felt immediately good about being there, as if the room itself was alive in some sense and gave comfort to my restless soul. I wanted to stay there for as long as possible.

-"Take a seat.", she offered, and went to the kitchen to make us tea.

I took a look at her book collection and my eyes spotted my favourite book among ancient Greek literature; The female Trojans, by Euripides. He would have been appalled by how little progress the world have made since he lived, 2500 years ago.

Next to it was another book by a man equally preoccupied with women; Malleus Maleficarum, by Jacob Sprenger. The English title would have been something like: "Hammer to knock down Witches", and demonstrates the homosexual undercurrent in a patriarchal culture. The macho man is a gay man who's overcompensating for not coming to terms with his homosexuality. Only those who do not allow themselves to love, turn vicious.

-"My favourite book."

I turned around and saw Susanne place two cups of tea on a wooden table with beautifully carved legs.

-"Really?"

She smiled.

-"He exist today too. I read the book to remind myself about that from time to time."

I sat down in the couch and took a sip of the herbal tea she'd made, while she placed herself in a rocking chair on the other side of the table.

-"Delicious", I honestly commented.

She seemed pleased.

-"We don't believe in witches today.", I said as a comment to the book.

-"No- Today the unwanted would be frozen out, not burned."

-"That is true for men too."

-"Have you ever heard of a woman philosopher?", she asked with a slight edge in her voice.

-"No-"

-"Why do you think that is?"

-"I don't know."

-"Because no person would take a woman seriously if she presented herself as one."

-"That would be true for a man too."

-"No-", she responded and shook her head. "Not everyone. One in a thousand would take him seriously if he was genuine. 'And that is the difference. One in a thousand is all he needs, and is an infinite number of percentage higher than zero!"

She seemed upset, almost bitter, and I turned silent not knowing how I was suppose to respond.

-"Tell me, why are you attracted to me?", she bluntly asked.

I took a deep breath and noticed that I was becoming increasingly nervous.

-"Because you're strong."

-"Physically?"

-"Mentally too."

-"You mean that I'm self-confident?"

-"Yes"

She nodded.

-"Let me ask you a question, and I would appreciate a fully honest answer. If I were self-confident and physically strong, but not particularly intelligent, would you still be attracted to me?"

I thought about the women in the past who had turned me into mush, and answered "yes".

-"Equally attracted?"

-"Yes- I appreciate that you're intelligent, but we're talking about sexuality here. It's always most affected by what's on the surface."

She nodded again.

-"I appreciate your honesty.", she said with a sad look on her face.

-"But most men today likes to point out that their girlfriend aren't stupid.", I added to get it right.

She smiled.

-"Yes, they don't want her to be regarded as stupid. 'But have you ever met a man who bragged about his girl being more intelligent than he?"

I laughed.

-"No, I haven't- But I have met many couples where that was the case."

Her face turned serious and seemed to express depreciation of some kind. There were a few moments of silence before she again spoke, now without any shred of underlying humour.

-"Tell me, has that been the case in any of your relationships?"

I was stunned by the question, and even more so by the tone of her voice.

-"No", I responded in a low voice, nervous of her reaction.

She looked directly at me.

-"Is it at all possible for you to conceive that a woman can be more intelligent than you?"

-"No"

She was obviously provoked but seemed to control herself.

-"Do you see yourself as reflected?", she then asked.

-"Yes"

-"Very reflected?"

-"Yes"

-"But still as stupid as the regular man.", she concluded. "What woman would ever bother to dominate you the way you want, if she knows you see yourself as mentally superior to her?", she added with clear contempt.

I felt things were starting to get unpleasant.

-"Look, I was just trying to be honest."

My words had some effect on her, and again she managed to re-establish some serenity. She took a sip of her tea before she placed her cup on the table.

-"I've come close to hate men. I used to think that I wanted to take a man and tear him apart limb by limb. Then I would put him back together again, and do it right this time; -Because God obviously made a slip!"

I laughed and she responded with the hint of a smile on her lips, but she wasn't really in a playful mood.

-"And know I sit here with a man who wants me for my big muscles, which has nothing to do with who I am."

-"Why do you have big muscles?", I asked, trying to draw focus from the contempt she expressed.

-"I was born with them. I come from a family of farmers, and back in the very old days, life on the countryside was extremely tough; so the fragile girls was not so popular among the men, who needed a woman to share their burden. My mother is equally strong, and so was my grandmother."

She seemed to become bored with the conversation and stood up.

-"Is it Ok if I put on some music?"

-"Yes"

The next moment I heard "The devils thrill", by Tartini with Anne-Sophie Mutter on the violin. I hardly think it can be done better.

-"I think the male energy is nurtured by a feeling of superiority, and that a man therefore have to choose between being an oppressor or loosing his inspiration."

I shook my head, but didn't quite know how to meet the argument.

-"No?- Tell me, what would happen if you met a woman who was clearly more intelligent than yourself?"

The question almost put me in attack mode, and for the first time, I seriously considered to leave. She decided to answer the question for me.

-"Let me tell you- You would have fallen down like an empty sack."

I looked at her with angry eyes.

-"Tell me, in how many ways have you planned to tell me that you have no respect for me?- I have treated you with respect and have only got resentment in response. I've been honest with you, which you told me you appreciate, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it! What did I do to you?!"

I felt being a little theatrical towards the end of my outburst. When I was done, she regarded me with no interpretable expression on her face, but as she opened her mouth, there were no longer any doubt about the complete despise she felt. Her voice caused me to cold sweat as she dropped the following line:

-"So, tell me little boy; why are you here?"

-"I'm not.", I nervously but resolutely stated and got up before I headed for the hallway.

I was just about to put on my second shoe, when I heard her voice behind me.

-"Just another frightened boy-"

-"Shut up", I responded with resentment.

There was a silence, which disturbed me a little, but I really was in a rather self-righteous mood and felt she owed me an apology.

As I got up I turned half way towards her to grab my coat. There were signs of insecurity in her face, and when she spoke I heard a weak trembling in her voice as she said:

-"Perhaps we could start off again?"

-But although she sounded as if she was softening, there undertones of something else I couldn't determine.

I looked at her and got a gratifying feeling of control inside of me. I picked a tone of voice as if I was being the mature part dealing with an unstable person.

-"Ok", I stated and nodded. "What do you want to say?"

She gave me an investigation look, and I thought I could detect the hint of a smile, but wasn't certain. In all, I was confused by her reaction, and decided to take measures to secure my newly won control.

-"Ok", I repeated, and turned to signal that I was about to leave.

Suddenly Susanne grabbed my belt from behind, and simply pulled me with her. I immediately lost balance, and was towed through the hallway and into something that looked like a workroom. I tried to reach behind my back to loosen her grip, hardly got any leverage at all. She tore me down to the floor in front of a desk and put one knee on my back as she opened a drawer to find herself a roll of tape. My state of confusion and surprise was mixed with anxiety at the sight of the tape roll, but it was not until she locked my arms with her knees and tore off a piece of tape with her teeth, that true fear rose up in me.

-"Please let me go.", I pleaded with a trembling voice.

The next moment I was gagged and rolled over on my stomach with stunning force, before she took hold of my wrists and taped them together. I felt her arms around my waist as she unbuckled my belt and tightened it. I was almost in a state of shock, and my mind did not offer any plausible interpretation of what was happening. She lifted me up by my arms and pulled me with her towards a large window, which was the only one in the room. As she opened it, I felt an unspeakable terror piercing through my system.

-"Mmm!", I shouted and used all my force to try to get free, but it was totally in vain. My eyes were wide open as an expression of share fright, and my body twisted in panic to try to get free from her effortless hold.

-"Shut up", she said in a voice that sent chills down my spine, and before I could react any further, she tossed me out of the window.

For a fraction of a second, it felt like I was falling, but then I felt a jerk as her grip around my belt stopped the fall.

My mind received flickering images of a pavement in an empty alley surrounded by abandoned buildings. Panic filled every corner of my psychic as I screamed through the tape in a desperate attempt to tell her that I was willing to degrade myself to a worthless piece of nothing if she would spare me. But she continued to let me hang, now and then she pretending as if she dropped me. This lasted for about three minutes that felt like half an hour, until she finally pulled me inside.

I couldn't stand, and if she hadn't maintained her grip around my belt, I would have fallen to the floor. She tore the tape of my mouth.

-"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!", I cried uncontrollably.

-"Yeah, yeah-", she responded and reached around me to loosen my hands.

The feeling of her body slightly rubbing against mine filled me with a strange sense of warmth and comfort. I turned silent, sensing a strange arousal while hearing the sound of the tape being torn off. After freeing my arms, she took one step away from me.

-"You can go now."

I stood as frozen and gazed out in the air with wide opened eyes in an empty look. I felt her hand on my upper arm.

-"It's over. I just wanted to teach you a lesson."

Without thinking, without being able to have a single clear thought in my head, I stepped towards her. She looked confused, and before she had the time to react, I wrapped my arms around her and pressed myself against her body. At first she seemed bewildered, but after a few seconds, she reluctantly placed her hands on my shoulder blades.

-"Ok-", she said and tapped my back. "Ok-"

Silently I started to cry while squeezing her hard. She felt uneasy about it, but held me quietly for a few minutes, until she became impatient and took hold of my upper arms.

-"Come on-"

-"No!"

She seemed surprised.

-"Come on-", she repeated with a slight security in her voice while adding pressure on my arms.

I was getting desperate, and resisted with as much force as I possessed. She became bewildered, and stood indecisive a couple of moments with her hands still holding my arms.

-"Ok-", she then said in a sad tone of voice.

I felt one arm on my shoulders and the other around my waist in a gentle but firm hold. It felt indescribably good. After standing like this for another ten minutes or so, she said:

-"Look, I'm getting tired of standing here. Can we go into the living room and lay down on the couch?"

I responded with a weak nod. But as she loosened her hold, strong feelings were stirred up inside of me, and instinctually I grabbed her pullover and pulled it up forcefully together with the T-shirt that was under, revealing a white bra with blondes. For a brief second she was stunned, and I flipped a cup aside and closed my lips around her nipple. Her body tensed up, and I felt her hands around my arms again as she was about to threw me off her. I frenetically sucked her breast while rubbing her back with my hands, in panic over the possibility of being brushed off.

She let go of my arms, and for a fraction of a second I tensed up in fear, not knowing what to expect. -Then, as a heavenly relief, I felt her hand gently on the nape of my neck, sending waves of delight through me. I continued to suck on her nipple, and felt her breathe harder while pressing me slightly tighter against her breast.

Being in a world dominated by her bosom, I heard the sound of her slowly pulling down her pants. Next, I felt her hand reach behind her back and close around one of mine before she forced it down to her crotch. My fingers was slit inside of her panties and I could hear a weak moan from her as they first came in contact with her clitoris. The touch of her wetness made my heart pound harder, and although my deepest dreams were about to be fulfilled, I had a strange feeling of being raped. But there was no sense of fear, or even of discomfort, just a good feeling of satisfying a being in her full right to take me as she wished. Her hand enveloped mine, and each of my fingers was controled by hers as she used them as her own private tool. I could sense her increasing arousal mounting to an orgasm as my fingers became covered with her juice.

Gently, after breathing hard for a few seconds, she shoved me off her and looked deeply into my eyes.

-"A sniffling wimp, is that what I'm going to end up with?"

I nodded.

-"I would like to make love to you. Do you want me to?"

I nodded again, sensing that I was drained of energy and aroused at the same time. I just wanted to lay in her arms and close my eyes.

Two minutes after I was being taken in her grand sized bed. It felt like heaven, and as we both came, I remember being able to repeat this one thought in my head over and over again:

-"Please God, don't take this away from me!'

***

A week later, Susanne lay on top of me on the couch. She had a bra on, but with the exception of that, we were both naked from the waist up. She liked lying like this, kissing me softly on the lips, while using her elbows and knees to avoid putting too much pressure on my body. She had this trick she used if she wanted to make me stroke her. She would lower her upper body so much that I would feel a slight pressure on my chest. It wouldn't be painful, but give me the distinct feeling that I was trapped and could easily be hurt. Tension would build up inside of me, and the only way to relieve it would be to do the only thing I still could do, to stroke her back as if my life depended on it. It would be as if my brain told me exactly how to do it, and my hands would sink deep into her skin and make her give me light kisses on my neck that sent shivers through my body and made me please her even more eagerly.

But this time she just looked directly at me. I hated when she did that, it made me feel so insecure. I tried to turn my head away, but she grabbed my chin and forced it back. I pressed my eyes together to protect myself from her piercing look and heard her say:

-"That will not protect you from me."

Then she gave me a soft kiss on my lips.

-"Do you find me that intimidating?"

-"Yes"

She ran her fingers through my hair.

-"What are you afraid of?"

-"I don't know."

-"That I shall see who you really are? See through you?"

My heart skipped a beat. I was as if I was skinless. Her hand had a gentle hold on my inner fears.

-"Yes", I said with a low voice.

-"And what would happen if I did? Would I reject you?"

-"Yes"

She briefly touched the tip of my nose with her thumb.

-"Open them up and find out."

I half-opened my eyes and saw her friendly face give me the most comforting smile as she touched my cheek with the back of her fingers.

-"I want you to be vulnerable. Don't you understand that?"

-"I love you.", I said with a weak voice as I just barley managed to control a pathetic need to cry.

-"I love you too.", she said and kissed my nose. "But never oppose me... You hear?! Never!"

I nodded and closed my eyes. A warm feeling flowed through me as my mind gave itself up one more time to be enveloped by the divine being who now was in control of my fate.