The cliff
By (c) 2004 Chameleon

Email address: ThinkTruth@Hotmail.com

You can also visit my website: http://truthseeker.gq.nu/ (It has got nothing to do with femdom, though.)

I was a philosophy student at the university when I met Karen. She was also a student, but studied mathematics. That fascinated me, but every time I tried to express that, she looked as if she would hear nothing of it. If I complimented her dress though, she would light up like a candle.

She was thin and a little below average height. She was well proportioned and I would easily have gone to bed with her if she wanted to. (Honestly I would have gone to bed to any woman back then, unless she was the ugliest creature on this planet. And if that was the case, I could always be blindfolded.)

-"No", she once said with a monotone voice when I kissed her neck. Nothing more was said, and I never tried anything ever again.

I have a great difficulty getting friends, and especially in keeping them. The combination of a low social intelligence and an unstable mind is very bad, and back then I changed friends on a monthly basis. This was quite exhausting, and for longer periods of time I hardly had any friends at all.

But Karen was perfect. She was so distanced that she barley noticed me. If I was down, I could go and visit her, and she didn't mind me being depressed, simply because she had no interest in my mental condition whatsoever. She just sat with me, drinking tea, now and then asking me a meaningless question.

-"Is the curtains in your flat longer than these?", for instance.

If I bothered, I would reply that as I had told her before, I lived in a single room without windows.

Karen had many friends. If you ask me, I would say it was because her indifference was interpreted as tolerance. You could be yourself with her, she didn't mind.

On my fifth visit to her that week, I knocked on her door Wednesday evening.

-"Oh, hi.", she said unenthusiastic. "Come in."

Inside sat three of her girlfriends in her couch. They were discussing a trip to a cabin belonging to a Russian woman, Katarina.

-"Could I join.", I boldly asked, desperate to escape my solitude.

-"It's a trip for girls.", one of the women replied.

-"No. Janet is bringing her boyfriend.", another interposed. And since no one wanted to say directly to me that they didn't want me to join, the question was brought to Katarina whether it was ok for me to accompany Karen to her cabin. Her answer was: "Sure."

Reading this might make you view me as a looser. That is not an all-wrong observation, but not very accurate. I can make a very good first impression if I have the energy for it, and I have the ability to fit into most environments with the exception of the most vulgar. Well- Fit in- I don't really fit in anywhere, but I can make the impression that I do. And that is not so bad.

I also have the ability to read other peoples minds. I have to, because since I have no social intelligence, I need something to guide me in this hostile world. At one time I told a man my impression of him after talking to him for 15 minutes. He became so disturbed by this that he ended up that evening walking up and down the floor saying that he had a thousand questions for me, and that I was obliged to answer them all. Next day, however, he came to his senses and ignored me completely. It was not the first time that happened.

To put it in short: I am a chameleon. There are many people who claim to be one, but I actually am. People who wrongfully claim to resemble the reptile, thinks that a human chameleon is someone who effortlessly adapt to all kinds of environments, and since he/she has no identity, there is no integrity that can stop him from mastering his environment completely. What they actually brag about, is that they have no moral standards to prohibit them from aiming to the top in the social hierarchy.

A true chameleon has not chosen to be without an identity. He/she has grown up in an environment where he found no safe spot to call home. Without a shelter, a child can not form an identity. And when he becomes a grownup, and finally gets the chance to escape his social prison, it's to late. So he wanders into the world in constant look for something no one can provide him with.

It's only initially he adapts to the environment. It takes an awful amount of energy to do so, and is a lousy survival-strategy really; but it's the only one the chameleon's got. Eventually his energy-reserves will be drained, and if he knows what is good for himself, he get the hell out of there before they've run dry.

There is only on and off. No middle ground, no compromise. I listen to music until I develop an earache, I play strategy-games on my computer 14 hours per day until my arm starts to hurt, and discuss a subject with a friend until he almost passes out. All in search for something steady, something stabile I can rely on.

I felt good the days before the trip. I had finally found something to look forward to. Of course, the expectation filled me with tension, so my lovely character structure managed to get something negative out of that too.

Right before we drove off in Karen's car, we were told that several people wouldn't come after all, including the couple, so it would only be me, Karen, Katarina, and four other girls.

Me, alone with six girls. I fantasised about it, but from experience I knew that when women are in overwhelming majority, they tend to be preoccupied with each other. But in my dreams they couldn't get their hands off me.

It's a strange thing that men dream about sex with several women. A friend of mine told me that he once stood in an airport when a bunch of 17-18 year old girls surrounded him. He was 20 years then, and they told him how sweet and adorable he was. He told me that it was the most intimidating experience of his life, and that he almost fainted. I find it hard to take when just one woman unleashes her desire for me, but still I dream about being the sexual object for six women.

It took us five hours to get there. We didn't say much during the trip, but we had the same taste in music, and listened to "The four springs of Vivaldi" over and over again. There is an ingenious version from 1989 with the London chamber orchestra and Christopher Warren Green, but when the violin reaches the highest pitches, it really sounds best on an old fashion LP. There is no one bigger than Vivaldi. Mozart doesn't even reach him to his knees. Vivaldi was a genius, Mozart was just extremely talented. No genius would ever have written "Eine kleine nachmusik". A genius expresses his inner emotions through his music. There are no inner emotions behind that musical piece.

The cabin was very big, almost like a small house, and was placed on a tall cliff, near the sea. Katarina had bought it recently, and it was the only building in sight. It didn't have electricity or any other modern facility for that matter.

We went out of the car and were met with Katarina who opened the door before we got the chance to knock. She was a tall woman, around six feet, which means that she was a little taller than me. She had her light-blond, half-long hair in a ponytail. Her dress was purple and tight, covering half of her thighs, and with a moderate cleavage. Her feet were naked, she didn't even wear socks, which was a little strange. I noticed that everything about her seemed big. Her arms were covered by her dress, but it wasn't hard to se that they were thick. Her thighs had no muscular structure on the surface, being covered by a woman's extra layer of fat, but they looked massive. Her breasts were also big and fitted her body perfectly. -Actually, I'm guessing, because when the breasts are big I always se the body as perfect (A little oversimplification perhaps).

We shook hands, and there, in an instant, I realised that she was both taller and stronger than me. My mind should have been able to work that out quicker, but also a chameleon can be infected with conservative habit thinking. Her handshake was firmer than mine, and as she prolonged it a little longer than normal, I sensed the smell of her perfume. It was a strange and unfamiliar smell that confused me. She also stood on the doorstep, and that extra height made her cleavage impossible to ignore. For a brief moment I experienced a feeling of helplessness, until she let go of my hand and I tumbled inside.

The other guests had arrived, and we both sat down in a couch that, together with different chairs, surrounded a table. Several paraffin lamps provided the necessary light. Katarina served seafood. Crabs, fish, lobster, together with bread and a sauce with a divine taste. I liked it so much that I ate until my stomach was aching. -Getting the recipe will finally bring some substance into my life, I thought and asked Katarina if she would give it to me.

-"Yes, but you would have to kill me first.", she said with her Russian accent sitting in a chair on the other side of the table.

-"I might do that.", I said in a warning tone, only trying to compliment her fantastic sauce.

-"Is that a death-threat?", she asked and looked directly at me.

I knew that she was just playing with me, but with her eyes fixed at me, expecting an answer, I immediately became nervous.

-"Not really.", I answered.

-"So why did you say it?", she asked to torment me.

-"It's just that it was very good."

She smiled and it was very hard to judge whether she saw me as charming or ridiculous. The manhood inside of me started to complain about being ignored, and I decided I would show these girls my superior mental skills. Some of the women started to discuss lipstick and shampoo, when Katarina gave me unexpected help by saying:

-"Couldn't we discuss something meaningful like history or philosophy?"

I decided to make my move.

-"I study philosophy."

-"First year student?", she asked.

-"No- Second year.", I answered, not liking her interference. "I am writing an essay about the relativity theory-"

-"That's interesting.", Katarina interfered again.

Trying not to loose focus, I continued.

-"The relativity theory changed forever our conception of reality. Time and space can no longer be counted on. Nothing is fixed and nothing is certain. Everything is relative."

There was a silence in the room. Nobody had anything to say, including Katarina. I continued to talk about how the relativity theory changed philosophy, and that Einstein therefore had to be regarded as the biggest philosopher in the twentieth century.

When I was done, a couple of women looked at me with admiration, others as if they were eager to talk about something else, and Katarina with a strange, unfocused look on her face.

-"Where's the toilet?", I asked Katarina. That seemed to snap her out of the mental state she had been in.

-"I'll show you.", she said and stood up.

In a small room, in the hall, there was a old-fashioned toilet. The kind where you would be afraid that a rat might bite you in the ass. I was about to enter when she suddenly blocked my path with her arm.

-"Please don't say anymore about the relativity theory."

-"Why?"

-"Because you haven't got a clue. I wanted to chew of my lip when I sat and listened to you."

-"I know what I'm talking about.", I said with confidence.

She looked at me. Her perfume invading me once more, and her arm slightly touching my chest.

-"The relativity theory does not imply that everything is relative. Everything in it can be expressed with fixed equations with no element of uncertainty whatsoever."

-"That is not what I've read."

-"Has the books you've read been written by physicists?"

-"No"

-"That is pretty much like a gardener writing about mathematics."

My confidence was gone.

-"Have you read much about the relativity theory?", I asked with a low voice.

-"About ten times as much as you, but still not as much as you pretended in there."

She raised her arm.

-"Don't worry. I find no pleasure in humiliating a man in public."

I sat on the toilet castrated, thinking about how to survive the evening.

-"Its very fascinating to hear about philosophy.", one of the women said to me after I sat down on the couch again. It immediately got me nervous, but before I could answer, another woman, Helen said:

-"I really don't think it is so interesting. What use is it?"

-"Maybe we should talk about something else.", Katarina interposed.

-"Hey, there's a guitar!", Karen said with unusual enthusiasm and pointed to a classical guitar in the corner of the room. "You can play on it.", she said and referred to me.

The problem was that I was a complete amateur on the guitar, only knowing a few chords, and just barely managing to finger-play. With Karen raising the expectations, I could risk another downfall without a security-net.

-"I'm not really good.", I said.

-"Come on! Sing the song you wrote."

Katarina stood up and brought the guitar to me with a friendly look on her face. - Now, her view of me as a bluff will fasten, I thought. I started with a D-minor, touching the strings as fluidly I could with my fingers, and sang the following song:

You can know for certain, you can know for sure
why it is there, what it came here for
But to know its roots won't show us the tree
of my distortion of the reality

-"Bravo!"

Yes, I am good in adapting, but only when things go well. After the first fall, I loose the sense of continuity, and sink deeper and deeper into confusion and disorientation. So I had no idea how to cope with this friendliness from Katarina. I became self-aware, walking stupidly while bringing the guitar back into its corner.

Meanwhile Katarina went to the kitchen to get cookies and tea. When she came back she sat down on my right side on the couch! I tried my best not to peek at her cleavage or thighs, but her perfume relentlessly reminded me about her presence, no matter how much I tried to look away.

Then one woman asked:

-"Can we turn on some music?"

-"How can we do that?", another replied, referring to the lack of electricity.

-"Maybe she has a cassette player with batteries or something.", the first woman explained.

-"Do you have Vivaldi?", I asked Katarina before she could answer the other woman.

-"I do not have a cassette player.", she answered.

Helen looked at me.

-"Why especially Vivaldi?", she asked.

It was very easy to read that her motives weren't good. She seemed to dislike me for talking about philosophy, since she hadn't got a clue about the subject, so now she wanted to find a way to bring me down. If she had known what that had happened between me and Katarina, she probably would have enjoyed herself to death.

-"Because he is the greatest."

-"Why?"

My heart started pounding. I decided to show strength.

-"Listen to his music. There is a thought behind every note. Now matter how many times you listen to it, it never stops to appeal to you. It is the perfect expression of intelligence and emotion. There is no sentimentality, no oversimplified harmony. Never any shortcuts, as you would find in Beethoven. Never lack of emotions as in some of the music by Bach, and never, ever, the display of childish talent as you find in Mozart!"

Ah! I was satisfied. Finally I had shown them!

-"What about Tsjajkovskij or Wagner?", Katarina asked.

-"I haven't listened so much to their compositions.", I said with a lower voice.

-"How can you then know that Vivaldi is the best?", Helen asked, getting more eager.

I decided to play hardball.

-"Some people have the ability to recognise what is ingenious and what is not. And you do not have to listen much to do so. If you have the intelligence for it.", I said, looking straight at her.

Suddenly I felt Katarinas hand clapping softly on my knee, and in an instant all my fortitude was gone. Helen saw what happened and smiled evilly. She got a victories look on her face.

-"I think you must be the stupidest person I have ever talked to.", she said, looking around her, expecting support.

I felt sliding down into social hell when Katarina's voice penetrated the room:

-"Who invited this moron?"

It felt like everything fell down inside of me. I stared in front of me with my mouth open.

-"I think it was Karen.", Helen said.

-"I was referring to you.", Katarina said calmly, hardly even looking at her.

For a few seconds the room was filled with silence. If I had been confused before, that certainly was the case now.

Things started to change rapidly. Helen had driven the other three women to this cabin, and now she wanted to go home. Katarina did nothing to prevent that, and soon they were gone, leaving me and Karen alone with this mysterious woman.

-"I'm a little tired.", Karen said. "Is there a place I can lay down?"

Karen always avoided conflict, and in a situation like this, although she on the surface seemed to be unaffected, she became bewildered.

Katarina showed her a guestroom with a small couch and a blanket.

In a few minutes the situation had dramatically changed. This was too much for me, and I still sat in the same place in a state of mild coma.

-"Do you want to go outside?", Katarina asked.

That snapped me out of it, and I stood up to join her.

We sat down on the stairs outside the door, and I noticed a strong breeze and the sound of waves hitting the cliff. I didn't remember hearing that sound when we arrived. Katarina took a cigar and a lighter out of an almost invisible pocket on her dress, and placed it in her mouth before she lightened it. She started to blow smoke rings.

Something about the way she acted made me relax, and I said:

-"I thought only men smoked cigars."

-"You think putting a phallus-symbol in your mouth is macho?"

I had never thought of it like that.

-"Maybe not."

-"You want one?"

-"No, not after you said that!", I laughed.

-"Oh, I think you'd like it.", she said without looking at me.

That was a comment I didn't like.

-"Sorry.", she said and clapped my knee before she stood up. "Would you join me for a walk?"

We walked down the cliff towards a strip of sand down by the ocean. As we got there, I noticed a tiny cottage a few hundred yards away from us. Katarina started to slow down.

-"Is it yours?", I asked.

-"Everything here is mine."

-"The ocean too?", I asked with a smile.

-"No, not the ocean. No one owns the ocean."

It sounded a little melodramatic, but I guessed she just wasn't amused by my question.

-"Where are you from?", I then asked.

-"Russia"

-"Where in Russia?"

She looked at me.

-"Are you actually interested?"

-"Yes", I said and nodded.

-"What difference does it make to you whether I am from Minsk or Moscow?"

-"Are you from Moscow?"

-"No, I'm from Minsk."

I laughed and could sense a little smile in her face.

-"So what did you do before you came here?"

-"I fought in the war in Caucasus."

-"In-?"

-"Yes", she interfered.

She obviously didn't like talking about it.

-"I've heard many civilians were killed."

-"Yes", she said and threw the remains of the cigar on the sand. "But I was in the Special Forces."

I looked at her, expecting her to say more.

-"We didn't kill civilians.", she added.

-"Who did you kill?"

-"Skilful warriors. If they had been on our side, we would have won a long time ago."

I felt a certain excitement inside of me.

-"Have you ever killed someone with your hands?"

She looked at me with scepticism, but soon her facial expression turned in to a smile.

-"Does the little tiny boy want to hear about killing?"

She reached her right hand out and laid it on the side of my neck.

-"I am not so little."

-"Oh yes you are.", she said and stroke her other hand over my hair. "In here you are."

My heart started to pound, and for a brief moment it looked as if she wanted to kiss me, but then she let go and turned away.

-"Come", she said as she started to walk towards the cottage.

Inside the cottage there was a oven from the nineteenth century. On the floor there were placed a wooden bathtub filled with water, and on the top of the oven there were a huge pan, also filled with water, probably containing 15 gallons or so. She used her lighter to set fire to the wood inside the oven.

-"I might take a swim later this evening. Then its nice to take a bath in fresh water afterwards."

-"You do that here?"

-"Yes"

-"How do you get the water down her?"

She looked at me as if I were asking her a silly question.

-"I carry it."

-"It must be heavy."

She nodded and didn't bother to comment on it.

We went outside and she took me further in the same direction toward a smaller cliff that almost had the shape of a quarter circle.

-"Would you like to climb up that cliff with me? It is an amazing sight to se the waves from there when the ocean is as restless as it is today."

I thought it sounded exciting, and joined her happily. I soon discover that it wasn't an easy task though. The way up were steep, and after a few minutes Katarina was way ahead of me, standing on a shelf a few yards above me. I struggled to get up, and when I stood on a shelf below her, she impatiently reached down, grabbed me under my arms, and lifted me up to her. I have never been so impressed in my entire life.

The rest of the way was easy, and soon we stood near the edge looking down at the waves being smashed to pieces as they hit the rocks below. It was a fearful sight, and as Katarina moved closer to the edge, I kept my safe distance.

She turned towards me.

-"Come"

I noticed that the wind or the climbing had mad the cleavage bigger, and she looked extremely sexy as she stood there, barefooted in the breezy wind at the edge of the cliff.

-"No", I said and shook my head.

-"Its not dangerous."

-"Yes it is.", I said, and moved further away until I found a rock to sit on.

She seemed to give up, and walked towards me.

-"A little wimp?", she asked as she sat down next to me.

-"If I fall down, I'd be dead."

She looked at me and smiled.

-"Are you afraid of death?"

-"Yes"

-"Very?"

-"Yes"

-"How old are you?"

-"22. And you?"

-"31"

-"31?", I asked surprised. "You don't look 31."

-"That is because you haven't looked close enough."

I looked at her face and in the half-dark I noticed some fine lines. A feeling caught me by surprise, and I felt a strong urge to kiss her. I pressed my lips towards hers, and she immediately placed her hand behind the back of my neck, and forced her tongue into my mouth. For a second it felt as if she was raping my mouth, but the next moment I surrendered, closed my eyes, and felt in unity with her as our tongues met. The kiss was deep and lasted for at least half a minute.

-"Oh, my sweet little boy.", she said as she let go of my neck.

We sat quietly next to each other, and I felt how my ego grew and my inner security re-established itself.

-"Its very nice to sit here with you.", I said.

She didn't answer, which made me a little insecure again.

-"Are you here often?"

-"Oh, be quiet."

It didn't take more to make me feel I blew it. Destroyed the moment and been reduced in her eyes. I was used to my instability, but with her it was worse than I'd ever experienced before. It was like if my whole self-esteem relied on whether she liked me or not.

-"How does it feel to be with a woman who is stronger than yourself?", she asked me after a minute or so.

-"I like it."

-"Why?"

-"I don't know. Its different."

-"Did you feel I humiliated you earlier?"

-"Yes"

-"Why?"

-"Does that question need an answer?"

She smiled.

-"Most women would have lost respect for me after that.", I said.

-"You need to have respect for someone in order to loose it.", she said and looked out in the air.

I got a bad feeling in my stomach.

-"You don't respect me?", I asked with a low voice.

-"I didn't know you. What grounds did I have for respecting you?", she asked, avoiding the question.

I wanted to ask her whether she respected me now, but was afraid of the answer. She turned silent, which I found unbearable, and in a state of stress I said the following:

-"You know, we're all alone and no one could hear me scream if you tried to rape me.", I said and started to laugh.

-"If I raped you I would want you to scream.", she answered with no hint of irony.

I felt a tension grow inside as if my instincts told me I was in serious trouble.

-"But not today.", she said and stood up. "Come, and stand with me next to the edge one last time. Afterwards we'll go back to the cabin."

We moved towards the edge once more, but again she wanted to be closer to the edge than me. She took my arm and started to pull me gently.

-"Come on, don't be a wimp."

Her pulling me made me just more anxious.

-"Let go.", I said to her in a serious voice.

She didn't comply.

-"Come on", she repeated.

-"Let go", I said again with a firm voice.

She gave me a look I didn't know how to interpret.

-"You don't trust me?", she asked.

-"Yes, I trust you, but I am afraid of heights."

She shook her head.

-"That means you don't trust me- You have no reason to either, because I am going to throw you off the cliff."

The tone of her voice went through all defence systems, and put me in a state of fear. My mind couldn't believe that she meant it, but my body told me she did. With a powerless movement I tried to walk away from her, but her grip on my arm tightened.

Using her strength she simply pulled me towards her. My face was right next to her as we stood inches from the edge, and I could feel her breath as she said:

-"Now, I want you to beg."

-"Please don't throw me off!"

She shook her head.

-"That is not good enough."

She grabbed my other arm, and it felt as if she prepared to throw me into the ocean.

-"Please don't do it, I'll do whatever you say."

-"Whatever I say?"

-"Yes"

-"Kiss me."

The surprise made me hesitate for a brief moment, but then I hurried to press my lips against hers. The kiss lasted longer this time. Probably a minute, although it felt like five. Just moments after our tongues met again, my whole body started to relax and sat me in a state of trance. She finished the kiss and looked gently at me.

-"Do you trust me?"

-"Yes", I said and nodded.

-"Turn your back at me."

I did as she said, and felt her arms around my waist. Suddenly she lifted me up, but my fear didn't have time to raise up again before she took me with her and jumped of the cliff.

I don't think I had a single thought in my head as we fell. My mind was in a state of chock, and I didn't move a muscle before we reached the ocean. We penetrated deep into the water, and as it covered my head I immediately woke up and started to struggle in panic.

Katarina still held one of her arms around my waist, and I felt being pulled upwards. She held me so tight that it hurt, but I hardly noticed it in my state of mind. Soon we broke through the surface and I filled my longs with air feeling the cold water penetrating my clothes and weakening my muscles. We were dangerously near the rocks, and after a few seconds we were attacked by a wave and dragged under the water again.

Katarina started to swim away from the rocks while we were still under the water. The only thing I could think of was to get to the surface again, and I soon started to feel as if it was she who held me under. It didn't take long before I completely panicked and started to pull her arm with both my hands. That didn't work though, and I felt a burning sensation in my lungs after wasting my oxygen like that. But then we broke the surface again, and I started to breathe heavily while noticing that the distance to the rocks had increased.

I had already lost my strength, and had no other choice but to trust that Katarina would save me. It was like if I could no longer hear the waves. I even closed my eyes a couple of times but were brutally awakened every time we went under again. I don't know how long it lasted, just that eventually I felt her dragging me on land. She laid me down on the sand and sat down next to me to catch her breath. It didn't take long before she seemed to have regained her strength. She stood up in front of me and grabbed me under my shoulders.

-"Come on sweetie.", she said and lifted me up.

She carried me like a child in to the cottage, and laid me gently down on the floor. I sensed the steam filling the room like a fog, and she lifted the pan and pored the boiling water into the bathtub.

-"Now it should be warm enough.", she said after feeling the water with her hand.

She went down on her knees next to me and started to take off my clothes. That was difficult, and especially my trousers were hard to get off, but after a little while I was lying in my underwear trying to get my self out of the hypnotic condition I was in.

-"Will you be embarrassed if I take them off?", she asked, referring to my underwear.

I was not able to relate to the question, and she continued to undress me until I was completely naked.

"Can you get into the bathtub yourself or do I need to lift you?"

I tried to stand up, but my feet started to shake, and I soon lost balance. She grabbed me before I fell, holding me around my chest from behind.

-"My poor little boy."

She lifted me like a baby and laid me carefully down in the tub. The hot water was a shock to my cold body, but the immediate pain was soon replaced by indescribable pleasure. I closed my eyes and after a few seconds I fell asleep.

According to Katarina I woke up 15 minutes later. She had just pulled me out of the water and was about to dry me with a towel. Afterwards she wrapped a blanket around me and sat down on the floor next to the wall, with me on her lap. I suddenly noticed that she had a new set of clothes on her. A pair of blue trousers and a white T-shirt.

-"How do you feel?"

I discovered that I had regained some of my strength, and managed to say: "I'm fine."

She pulled me closer towards her. I felt my cheek being pressed towards one of her breasts.

-"If you had been in the Russian army, you would have ended up dead. Someone would have killed you just for the amusement- Don't worry. I will protect you. But you know there is a price to pay? You know that?"

She was rocking me gently as she said this, and her voice was mild and comforting.

-"Will you surrender to me?", she asked in a sharper voice.

-"Yes"

She kissed me on my forehead and started rocking me again.

-"Tomorrow you and I are going to have sex, and you will do exactly what I tell you.", she said in a tone of voice as if she held me captive. I didn't answer, but pressed myself even closer against her.

I'd never felt so safe in my entire life.