Borderline
By Chameleon

Email address: ThinkTruth@Hotmail.com

The rain was tapping on the windshield. I had a warm feeling inside of me as we drove through the deserted landscape. I looked at Linda. She always seemed so confident. It was raining heavily, and I could barley see the road ahead of us, but there was no sign of worry in her face.

I imagined a truck suddenly appearing in front of us, too late for Linda to react, killing us both in one ferocious impact. I didn't mind the thought. As long as I was with her it would be all right. I would rather die with her, than live with anyone else.

Her car was old and equipped with an old cassette player. Bob Dylans voice came out of the speakers and sang an endless song about the futility of life.

My wife is a climber. She started by mounting the kitchen-closet in search for candy, and never stopped. She is incredibly strong, and can pull her own weight all the way up with one arm (Only one out of a 100.000 can do that, and most of them are men). Sometimes I think of her as superwoman because there doesn't seem to be anything she can't do. Well, there is one thing- She can't beat me in Othello, my favourite board game. -And she can't prove why one is bigger than zero, or tell me why a continuos function always is uniformly continuos if it is defined on a compact metric space. I remind myself about this if I start to feel a little inferior.

If she has clothes on, you would never guess her strength. She appears very fit, but she is far from looking like a bodybuilder. She is about my size, 5 feet and 10 inches tall, with dark blond hair that is a bit curly and reaches her to her neck. Her breasts are average-sized and firm.

Her grip is deadly. If a stone contained water, she would have been able to squeeze it dry. At one occasion she was careless and left bruises on my wrists after lovemaking. Even though she apologised and promised never to do it again, I have always feared her grip after that.

We met in judo practice. By coincidence I stood next to her and her friend Mary. I had a strong need to make new friends (and especially girlfriends) back then, so I started to talk to her. She was polite and seemed friendly, but there was not much I got out of her. I tended to get a little stressed when people responded half-heartedly, so I started to talk more and not less. Her reaction was peculiar. At first her look hardened, and it seemed like she wanted to reject me totally, but then it softened and she made an effort to respond in a friendly way. This repeated itself, and I had a hard time figuring out what it meant.

For some reason, which I do not remember, she and I became a team to practice throws. I immediately sensed her strong grip and how easily she would throw me over her hip. I expressed to her that I was impressed, but got no reaction. Intuitively I sensed that she liked me somehow, so I became more relaxed, but she kept silent unless I talked to her.

I really did not know how to handle women. No, let me rephrase that. I had absolutely no idea on how to handle women. Asexually, it worked fine. I had no problem talking to a woman as a friend. The problem came if I was attracted to her, or if she was attracted to me. My behaviour could so easily repulse a woman, that I really didn't know if I was good-looking. My older sister told me I was, but I think she would have said that anyhow.

Was I good-looking? Have no idea. I could look at myself in the mirror and see myself as very handsome, or, if I were sufficiently depressed, as someone no woman would ever want to kiss.

I once passed a bunch of women at a train station when one of them cried: "Hi sexy!" I immediately suspected some cruel irony, but when I turned around, they smiled and waved their hands at me. Ofcourse, this made me more nervous than if they had just been mean, so I hurried away from there as fast as I could.

Same thing if a woman gave me a smile when she passed me on the street. I never smiled back, just concentrated on walking as normally as possible. -But the worst experience was when I sat on a bar and a woman started to look at me. For several hours I stayed there with my friends, and she looked in my direction at least 20 times during that time. I stared in front of me, trying to relax, but it was impossible. When we left, I had to pass her, and she persistently followed me with her eyes until I had escaped through the door.

After the practice was done, she left me and went to talk to Mary. I thought that was it, and headed for the wardrobe, when I suddenly heard her voice.

-"Hey!"

I turned around.

-"Would you like to come with us for a cup of coffee?"

-"Yes", I said and nodded.

They rented an apartment on the third floor in a building nearby. It was strangely decorated with pots, masks, and other objects from different countries and cultures, hanging on the walls and placed on shelves, giving the room an alien atmosphere. The carpets on the floor seemed Persian, but I suspected they were copies. A couch was placed under a window on the other side of the room.

We sat down at a kitchen table, placed near the front door in the living room, next to a bookshelf. Many of the books looked antique, and I read the title: "Extraordinary popular delusions and the madness of crowds", by Charles Mackay, on one of them. During the short walk Mary and Linda had discussed some private matters, and I hadn't said a single word. Linda had entered the kitchen to boil some water, and I was left with Mary who didn't seem too interested in starting a conversation with me.

She was not as tall as Linda, probably around 5 feet and 6 inches. Her shoulders were broad for a woman, and she looked powerfully built. At first I thought she was a little fat, but now, sitting on her chair with just a thin, white blouse on her upper body, it became clear that she was very muscular. She had big breasts and blond, straight, short hair. There was something intimidating about her, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

-"Do you lift weights?"

-"Yes"

-"How much do you lift in bench-press?"

-"How much do you lift?"

I didn't expect that response, and regretted that I had asked her the question.

-"I don't know. I don't workout. I lifted 130 pounds once."

She nodded.

-"So how much do you lift?"

-"A little more than that.", she answered with a clear hint of understatement.

She stood up and went to the kitchen.

-"Linda, I need to write on my paper. Is it ok if I leave you alone?"

-"Yes"

Mary went to her room as Linda came back with two cups of coffee.

-"Do you want something to eat?"

-"No, I ate just before the practice."

She sat down on my opposite side of the table. At first she didn't say anything, but when I also kept silent, she finally said:

-"So, what do you do?"

-"I study mathematics."

-"Mathematics?"

-"Yes, I like to prove that one is bigger than zero, and things like that."

She nodded.

-"So, what do you do?"

-"Nothing. My parents died recently and left me a small fortune, so I live of the interests."

She said it with no sign of grief. I didn't know how to respond, so I just nodded.

-"Do you do anything except studying mathematics?"

-"I write poems."

That seemed to wake her interest.

-"Can I hear?", she asked, after a few seconds.

-"Well, here is one I wrote recently:"

-"Is a little depressing.", she said and smiled.

-"They usually are."

-"Are you depressed?"

-"Sometimes"

She reached out her hand and slightly touched my cheek with the back of her fingers. I felt a mushy feeling inside of me.

-"Would you read me another one?"

I nodded.

-"Nice poem.", she said with a controlled smile. "Do you write other things?"

-"I write erotic short-stories.", I said a little embarrassed.

-"Erotic?", she asked with a smile. She seemed totally relaxed again.

-"Yes", I said and nodded.

-"To a magazine?"

-"No. For myself."

She smiled and even laughed a little. I suddenly realised how it sounded.

-"But that is good. Then you get what you want.", she said amused.

-"I think of it as literature.", I said to defend myself.

She gave me a friendly smile and clapped one of my hands softly as it lay flat on the table.

-"I would like to hear one of those stories.", she said to my surprise.

-"No, they- I write a little bit about dominant women.", I answered, feeling very uncomfortable.

-"So?"

-"I can think about it.", I said to avoid the question.

-"Which means that you will never show them to me."

-"Its a little private."

-"I thought you said you saw them as literature."

-"Yes-, but- They might not be good enough yet."

She smiled again.

-"Are you that embarrassed?"

-"Yeah", I said with a coy smile.

-"I promise I won't laugh."

-"I'll promise to think about it."

-"Hmm-"

She seemed to enjoy the discussion.

-"I'm not really into the S/M but my previous boyfriend loved it more than anything." She shook her head. "If I had told you half of the things he wanted, you would have been much more embarrassed than by letting me read one of your stories."

I was confused by the mention of S/M, and didn't know how to respond. After a few seconds she asked:

"Do you read S/M magazines?"

My mind became slightly stressed.

-"No", I answered. I had never associated myself with S/M, but before I got the chance to express that, she said:

-"I know they are a little expensive- Mary!"

Mary came out of her room.

-"Can he borrow some S/M-magazines from you?"

-"Sure", she answered and returned to her room.

And back she came with ten inches of magazines that she slammed on the table, before she again disappeared into her room. A picture of a whip covered one of the front pages. I was about to say that I did not fancy whipping, but lost my chance again.

-"Yes, I am not really into S/M, but I am attracted to you though.", she said warmly, and looked directly at me.

A woman's look of desire was more than I could bear, and I immediately bowed my head. My mind was about to loose any sort of grip over the situation.

-"Do you look away because you're not attracted to me, or just because you're nervous?", she asked confidently.

-"I am a little nervous.", I answered, still not looking at her.

She laid her hand gently on top of mine.

-"Do you want me to do things with you?"

Her voice was sweet and irresistible.

-"Yes", I said, not quite understanding what she meant, but took it as an invitation to sex.

-"Come.", she said and stood up.

She guided me into her bedroom. In that same moment Mary opened her door.

-"Don't come into my room in the near future." "-I'm just gonna fuck him.", Linda added to explain.

-"O.k.", she answered as if they were having a normal conversation. "Don't forget the lecture at eight."

Linda sighed and looked as if she had forgotten all about it. She turned to me.

-"That means that I don't have time for some complex stuff. We'll have to do that some other time."

I nodded in a state of confusion.

-"Just take of your clothes and lie on the bed.", she said and opened a closet to look for something.

She turned towards me with a red scarf in one of her hands, and seemed to wait for me to get undressed. I was already in my underwear, and removed the rest, before I lay down on her king-sized bed. She sat down on her knees next to me and started to tie my hands together. I had never experienced that before, and any reluctance was swept away by the thrill of excitement.

***

The mixed tape had just started on a song by Jennifer Warnes when Linda interrupted my thoughts.

-"What are you thinking of? You look so cheerful."

-"Just about the first time we met.", I said and looked at her.

-"When I lived with Mary?- I wonder what happened to her."

-"She has probably found her self a male butt to whip all day long."

She laughed.

-"She could sometimes make them scream. It was almost frightening to hear. But they always came out in a good mood. -Well, almost always."

-"Not always?"

-"No- She could be a bit nasty sometimes. I think she kept a man tied up for two days once. After she finally released him, he couldn't walk for hours. He left her after that and never came back. When she realised that the normal "I love you baby, you know I would never really hurt you"-routine didn't work, she got really upset and claimed that she would never date a man again. But ofcourse, that was impossible for her, and after a few weeks she had already found herself a new man to dominate."

-"She never liked me.", I said, remembering how she used to ignore me.

-"She loved you. She just couldn't show that to a man."

-"She loved me?"

-"Not in that sense, but she really liked you. She would have loved to whip your butt."

I laughed a bit embarrassed.

-"Shall I let you in on a little secret?", she asked, but continued before I got the time to answer. "There is one thing that all strong women are very afraid of, no matter how strong they are. Do you know what that is?"

-"No"

-"To be rejected by someone they love. That is the one thing they cannot control."

-"Is that the same with you?"

-"Ofcourse, but if you ever use that against me, I will slap you silly."

I laughed a little. There was no sign of actual threat in her voice.

-"I wont."

She took my hand and squeezed it lightly before she let go and concentrated on her driving.

I closed my eyes and listened to Jennifers beautiful voice singing: "It's like the rocking of the ocean."

***

My hands were tied together with the scarf, which in turn was fastened around the sprinkles of the bed. The feeling of her body slightly touching mine as she confidently tied me up, had sent electric shocks through me. It was as if I had already fallen in love with her.

-"Are you comfortable?", she asked, still sitting on the edge of the bed.

I nodded.

-"Mark wanted the handcuffs, but they used to leave marks on his wrists. I didn't know if you wanted that."

I shook my head. She stood up.

-"I can't seem to find the other scarf... Hold on."

She opened the door.

-"Mary, have you seen the other scarf?"

-"What other scarf?"

-"The blue one."

-"-Yes, just wait a second."

I heard Mary walk in to her room and come out again after a few seconds.

-"Have you washed it?"

-"No"

-"Where has it been?"

-"Just around his wrists."

-"Sure?"

-"Yes. Don't worry."

I heard Linda walking towards the door.

-"Use your own scarf next time."

-"The only reason why I used it was because the handcuffs was in your room, and I didn't have the time to get them."

-"Why not?"

-"He- needed to be persuaded."

-"Some day you're gonna end up with the police."

-"Men are weak."

-"Ok"

Linda entered the room with the blue scarf in her hand. She sat down at the foot of the bed and tied up my feet in the same way as my hands. Then she went to her desk, opened a drawer, and found herself a roll of tape. At this moment she was out of my sight, so I had no idea what she was up to before her hands suddenly reached down and pressed a piece of tape over my mouth.

This was not something I wanted, and it immediately got me anxious.

-"Mmm. Mmm.", I said to make her remove the tape.

-"Wait a second."

She opened the closet again and pulled out a large whip that really looked as if it could do some damage.

-"Mmm! Mmm!", I said, starting to get frightened.

She sat down next to the bed and placed the whip, still rolled together, on the other side of my body.

-"Now, what are you really afraid of?"

Her head was tilting as she spoke with a sweet but intimidating voice. I realised that she must have thought it was part of the game when I tried to object. I felt helpless as I lied there, just hoping that she wouldn't go to far. Fear and sexuality is, however, an unbeatable combination, so my sensible part was already submitted to her.

Suddenly the phone rang. She sighed.

-"I'm sorry. I'll unplug it afterwards."

It was placed on the wall, and she stood upright as she picked it up.

-"Yes"

(Short silence)

-"If you want your things, you can come and get them."

-

-"No, I am not going to send them to you."

-

-"No, if you want them you can come and get them yourself."

-

-"That is not my problem."

-

-"So what if I want to talk?"

-

-"So after we've been together for three years I don't even deserve a single conversation?"

-

-"What do you know about what I accept? You haven't even talked to me about it. You broke up with a letter!"

-

-"As I said, its not my problem."

-

-"No, I will not force you."

-

-"Yes, I promise."

-

-"No, Mary will not do anything either. Why should she? It's not her you've been with."

-

-"No! I will not send them to you."

-

-"Because you can come and get them yourself."

-

-"Fine"

-

-"I thought you said I should keep them."

-

-"Because you can come and get them yourself."

-

-"I am not taking them."

-

-"What are you afraid of?"

-

-"I don't respect your decision. You have not given me any reason to."

-

-"Sure"

-

-"Then come and get them."

-

-"Ok", she said, pretending to be indifferent.

-

She hung up and sank down to the floor with tears in her eyes. She just sat there quietly, next to the wall with a sad look on her face. Then she covered her eyes with one of her hands and started to cry without making a sound.

Suddenly Mary entered the room.

-"Was it Mark?"

Linda nodded, still covering her face.

-"He called earlier and wanted me to put his things in the hallway so that he could pick them up. I told him in which of his body-parts I would put my fist. -I should have told you about it but I forgot- Don't sit there. Come on." She helped her up before she guided her to the foot of the bed.

I felt very uncomfortable lying there on display, and couldn't believe that these two women seemed totally unaffected by my current condition.

-"He's an arsehole. You have to get over him."

Linda didn't answer and looked as if she tried to pull herself together.

-"I promised him I'd rape him. I have to do it now, before I have to go.", she said and reached pass the back of Mary for my half-erected member. Mary stopped her.

-"I'll do it.", she said, and before I got the time to react she had closed her hand around it and started to masturbate me. She didn't even look in my direction, and continued the conversation with Linda, totally indifferent to what she was doing with her hand.

This was unacceptable and I said:

-"Mmm! Mmm! Mmmm!"

Mary turned angry at me.

-"Shut up! Everything is not about you!"

She continued the stimulation, but her movements became more irregular as she told Linda to forget about this dirt bag who had mistreated her so badly. I felt I had entered the twilight zone, and wanted to get out of there more than anything in the world.

-"You look awful. Go and take a shower before the lecture.", Mary said to Linda who nodded in response before she stood up and left the room.

Mary turned halfway toward me, still with her grip intact. She looked as if she tried to remember something.

-"Mmm! Mmmm!"

-"What!", Mary said in an annoyed tone of voice.

-"Mmm! Mmm!"

-"Oh, shut up.", she said and reached out her hand before she powerfully tore the tape of my mouth. "What is it?"

-"Can you let me loose?"

-"Don't you want me to finish you off?"

-"No"

-"Why?"

-"I was with Linda-"

-"But she doesn't have the time to do it! Didn't you manage to figure that out?"

-"I can wait-", I said without knowing what to say to this insane woman.

-"You want to lie here tied up until she comes back?"

-"No", I said and shook my head.

-"So?"

-"I just want you to set me free."

-"Oh, so I'm not good enough?"

-"No, it's not that, it's just that I was with Linda."

-"She don't mind."

-"But I do."

-"Oh, a man with scruples. I like that-, if I had believed it." "O.k.", she said and finally let go before she started to untie my hands. Her breasts were so big that they almost rubbed my face as she reached over me to untie my other hand.

-"There you go.", she said and left the room.

I reached down to untie my feet, but soon discover that Linda had tightened the knot with a lot of force. I simply couldn't loosen in, and in frustration I started to pull the scarf, which probably just fastened it more.

-"Mary!- Mary!"

She came in with an irritated look on her face.

-"What is it?"

-"I can't untie the knot."

-"Oh you poor little child.", she sighed, bowed down, and resolved the knot in a few seconds.

-"There you go."

-"Thanks"

She didn't answer and left the room again.

I took on my clothes and went into the living room. No one was there, and I sat down at the table, waiting for Linda to finish her shower. A part of me wanted to departure, but deep down on the very bottom of my mind, I felt an immense attraction to this woman. I simply couldn't get myself to leave.

After a few minutes, Mary came out of her room.

-"Do you want to look at a video as you wait? It will take a couple of hours before she is back."

-"Isn't she in the shower?"

-"Does it sound as if she's in the shower? Out water-heater is broke, so she uses the shower in a friends apartment on the first floor until we have fixed it."

I sat down by the table.

-"You don't want to watch a video?"

-"What kind of video?"

-"I've got some S/M videos here if you like, but you'll have to wear polar-gloves. I don't know what Linda has allowed you."

I had no idea what she meant by that.

-"No, thank you."

-"Are you hungry?"

-"Yes-"

-"I'll make you a couple of sandwiches."

I was a bit surprised by this friendliness, but to be honest, I had no idea what to expect anymore. She came back with several sandwiches on a plate in addition to a glass of milk and a coke. She placed the glass in front of me.

-"Help yourself."

She drank her coke and watched me as I ate, wearing a white T-shirt.

-"You should really start to workout. Your arms look like their exclusively made out of bones and fat."

I felt insulted and immediately lost some respect for her.

-"That was nice to hear."

She smiled.

-"Most of my boyfriends have arms like that. I tell them that if they don't take care of their body, its no wonder they end up being dominated."

-"This is a really interesting conversation."

-"I think so to.", she said with a hint of evil in her smile.

I was about to declare my departure when someone knocked on the door. Mary opened.

-"Oh, hi Susan! Come in."

-"I heard you have guests."

-"One guest. This guy here."

She took one brief look at me.

-"He's cute."

Susan was a little taller than Mary and had the same body-shape. I guessed she was a bodybuilder to. I stood up to present myself, but they just went pass me and sat down at the table.

-"So what have you been doing?", Mary asked.

-"Not much. I failed on my psychology-exam, and I don't really want to try again."

-"Oh, come on. If not, that means you have wasted a year."

-"I have already wasted a year. I don't want to waste another."

-"So what do you want to do?"

-"I don't know- (starts to look at me). He's really cute. Were did she pick him up."

-"At judo practice."

She continued to look at me, and I started to feel real uncomfortable. I addition, I can't stand it when someone talks about me in third person when I am present.

Susan turned to Mary and said in a lower voice.

-"Do you think I could borrow him?"

-What the hell is she talking about? What is this madhouse?, was my immediate thoughts.

-"You'll have to ask Linda."

-"But she isn't in."

Mary shook her head.

-"I'm sorry, but I can't help you."

-"You lent me Mark."

-"Yes, and you saw how that went. Besides, she had allowed me to make that decision."

-"Do you really think she'd mind?"

-"Hey. I am present.", I pointed out.

-"Shhh", was Mary's response. "They have just met. As you can hear, he hasn't even been trained."

-"Oh, can I train him?", Susan asked in a begging voice.

-"I really don't think so, but you'll have to ask Linda."

-"I wont leave marks."

-"Hey!, am I invisible?!", I said loudly.

Mary gave me an irritated look.

-"Shut up."

-"He's got spirit!", Susan said with enthusiasm.

-"Yeah, too much.", Mary replied.

Susan shook her head.

-"They can never have too much."

I just about had it, and stood up.

-"I'm gonna leave. Tell Linda I'll drop by tomorrow."

Mary gave me a killers look.

-"Sit down or I'll put my fist up your rear!"

Her voice penetrated my mental shield, and made my backbone feel like it was made out of chocolate pudding. In a state of anxiety and confusion, I sat down on my chair.

-"You train him!", Susan interfered. "Why can't I?"

-"I had to."

-"If I do it here?-"

-"No! You know Susan, sometimes you're really slow."

-"Ok- Ok, you don't have to get mad."

-"I didn't get mad."

The door opened, and as a gift from heaven, in came Linda. I felt an enormous relief.

-"Didn't you go to the lecture?", Mary asked.

-"Yes, but the professor was sick and they couldn't find an replacement."

She went pass me as if I didn't exist and sank down in the couch.

-"Now I just want to go to sleep."

I stood up in a annoyed mood and said:

-"I can drop by tomorrow."

Mary looked first at me and then at Linda, who turned her head in my direction.

-"You can sleep in my bed."

All I wanted in that moment was to get out of this asylum. I still felt a mysterious attraction towards her, but I really needed some time-out.

-"I think I should go. I'll come back tomorrow."

I sensed fury in her eyes and immediately got nervous.

-"If you know what is good for yourself, you go in to Linda's room and stay there.", Mary said.

I got stubborn.

-"No. I am not a prisoner. I'm leaving."

Mary sighed. Linda stood up and came towards me. As her face were inches from mine, she said with controlled anger:

-"You can leave, but if you do, its for good. If you stay I'll give you the best sex you've ever had."

Before I got the time to answer, she grabbed my right arm around the wrist and bent it behind my back with surprising ease, before she started to kiss me on the neck. I tried to pull my arm, but noticed that being held in that position, it had lost all its force. I hardly felt any pain, but the only thing she needed to do to make it really hurt, was to pull it a little bit upwards. I felt paralysed, which in turn increased the stimulation from her kisses, and my fellow man downstairs demonstrated one more time that he was no match for this crazy woman.

-"So?", she asked, still with signs of aggression in her eyes.

-"Yes"

-"Good", she said and smiled a little. She instantly became more relaxed.

***

We had been driving for several hours, and I started to become a little impatient. She had told me that our destination would be a surprise, but I didn't expect endless driving in the middle of nowhere. The landscape was flat without any signs of human activity, and no car had passed us in a couple of hours. This trip started to become a bit mysterious.

-"Could you say where we're going?"

-"No"

-"Why not?"

-"I told you it'd be a surprise.", she said with a hint of irritation.

I was always weary of her reactions, and regretted that I had asked her the question.

-"Sorry"

She clapped my knee.

-"That's ok."

Anyway, I was getting bored and wanted to start a conversation.

-"Can I ask you something?"

-"Sure"

-"Why do you love me?"

She laughed.

-"Because you're such a hopeless case."

-"Is that the reason?"

-"More or less."

That didn't make me much wiser.

-"But what were you attracted to the first time you met me?"

She got a serious look on her face.

-"Why do you want to know that?"

-"I'm just curious."

She waited a few seconds before she answered.

-"You're a man. You're not going to understand how a woman's mind works, no matter how much she tries to explain."

-"Does it go the other way too?"

-"No, men are easier to read than the top-letters in an eye-test.

***

As we got undressed, I explained to her that S/M wasn't my thing, and when she asked me what was, I told her I had fantasies about a strong woman pinning me down, and having her way with me.

-"That's funny, because that is exactly what I would have done if you had tried to leave.", she said, sitting next to me on the edge of the bed, only wearing her panties and a bra.

I was speechless, and before a got the chance to sort things out, she pushed me down on the bed and started to kiss my instinctively evading mouth as she grabbed my wrists.

-"Don't try to resist. You're not getting anywhere."

She forced my arms above my head, and held them with one hand as she removed her bra with the other. I was lying in my shorts, and felt a reaction downstairs stronger than I had ever felt before.

-"You're gonna suck my breasts as if your life depends on it.", she said and pressed one of her nipples towards my mouth as she placed her free hand under my neck.

I did as she told me, and immediately sensed her arousal. She started speaking to me in a soft but demanding voice.

-"Do you know what it means to be raped by a woman? It means that you will never have a free will again... You will always be mine."

Her breathing became heavier.

-"Oh, come on. Make mummy happy."

She let go of my neck and started to remove her panties. Afterwards she grab hold of the red scarf that was still wrapped around the sprinkles, and used it to tie up my wrists, all the time positioning herself so that her nipple remained in my mouth.

Then she lifted her upper body and looked down on me with an aroused and determined look. Behind her back, her hands reached for my shorts. Suddenly I heard the noise of my shorts being thorn apart. The moment after, she mounted me and started moving her hips in small circles. She immediately climaxed, but it didn't seem to last more than a few seconds.

She looked at me.

-"Do you love me?"

-"Yes"

-"Why?"

-"Because you're everything I've dreamt of."

Her body stiffened and her eyes were wide open in a wild, unfocused look. I looked at her with confusion.

-"Is something wrong?", I asked nervously.

She seemed to come to her senses.

-"No"

She bowed down and placed one of her hands under my neck while placing the other on the top of my head, as she started to kiss my face all over. She moved her hips slowly and ran her trembling fingers through my hair.

-"I will never let you go. Never.", she whispered.

She intensified her motions, and soon I was brought to climax. It was a weird experience, but all the emotions and nervousness just increased the stimulation, and as our bodies melted together, all my hesitation was wiped out and left me relaxed and happy. I wanted to be with this woman; that was clear enough.

Thing were quite different the next few days, and in all respects better. There was no more of the unpredictable reactions on her behalf, and she had sex me in a way as if I had given her a recipe. She always overpowered me, but never did anything I had a problem with. Her ability to read me was overwhelming. It was as if I had found heaven. We didn't talk much, but there was so much physical contact that there was no time to get bored. She seemed to be in love with me, and I was totally lost in her. It was as if I had finally come home, and the mere idea to return to my past life seemed like a nightmare.

Her most irritating habit was her tendency to ignore me when she talked to Mary or any other of her friends. It was as if I didn't exist, or was of no significance, and it fitted well with the fact that she avoided conversations with me. If she wanted to talk, she went to her girlfriends. I was obviously of no use for that purpose.

It was hard to draw the conclusion that she didn't respect me though. I often used her computer to write stories or poems, and she always seemed interested in reading my work. In fact, the only time she respected my solitude were when I was occupied with creative writing. If I watched television, cooked food, relaxed on the couch, or even had a conversation with a friend over the phone, she would easily start something and wouldn't take no for an answer. She could tease me, flirt with me, or rape me; it only dependent on what mood she was in. I, on the other hand, did not have the same liberty, and would quickly be brushed of if I approached her in the wrong moment.

None of this mattered. I was willing to accept anything to be with her.

One day I was sitting alone at the table in the living room. Linda was at a lecture. She didn't plan to take an exam, but needed something to occupy her spare time besides me, and wanted to broaden her perspective on different topics. The most important thing was that the professor was clear-minded and presented the material in an intriguing way.

I had found myself a book from the shelf, and was about to read when someone knocked on the door. Mary was in her room playing music, so she probably didn't hear it. I went to open, a little nervous that it might be Susan.

It was not. It was a man, a little shorter that me, who looked as if he had seen a ghost.

-"Is Linda in?"

-"No, she is attending a lecture."

-"I have some things here that belongs to me. There is a laptop that I really need. It is in Linda's room. Could I go and get it?"

I became bewildered.

-"Hold on."

I knocked on Mary's door. She shut off her music.

-"Yes?", she said through the door.

-"There is a man her who wants to pick up some stuff."

The door opened quickly. She closed it and went towards him with a smile on her face.

-"Hi Mark. What can I do for you?"

-"I'm here to get my things.", he said nervously.

-"Sure. Just go in to Linda's room. She'll be back every minute."

So he did. Mary sat down by the table and looked out in the air. I joined her. At first I wanted to start a conversation, but, as always, she didn't seem interested. I decided to read in my book instead. It was "Gender and character" by Otto Weininger, but before a got the chance to get passed the foreword, Mary talked to me.

-"Do you like Linda?"

-"Very much."

-"Why?"

-"I don't know. She is the most fantastic girl I've ever met."

-"Really?"

-"Yes"

She nodded.

-"She fulfils your dreams?"

-"Yes"

She nodded again and got a concerned look on her face.

-"I shouldn't say this, -but be careful."

-"Ha?"

It totally took me by surprise.

-"What do you mean?"

-"Linda isn't quite- stabile. If you mess with her emotions, she might do you some harm."

I got irritated.

-"Like what you do with your boyfriends?"

She ignored my insult.

-"Do you think I am the most dangerous of me and Linda?"

-"Yes"

She smiled.

-"You've got a surprise waiting for you."

She got a more distant look in her face and added:

-"Even I can be afraid of her sometimes- She's unpredictable, and if she gets mad, there is no one who can stop her. If that happens, just run and get away from there until she has calmed down. She will thank you for it afterwards."

I refused to believe what she said, but her words made an un-erasable impression.

Mark came out of the room carrying with him a loaded box with his computer on top. Mary stood up and blocked his path.

-"Hi Mark. Where are you going?"

-"Home."

She grabbed his arm in a soft but determined motion.

-"Go back into the room and wait. She'll be here in a minute."

Obviously afraid of her, Mark did as he was told, leaving his box at the front door.

The minute after, Linda came home.

-"Mark is in your room.", Mary said to her the moment she came in.

Without saying a word, Linda dropped her things, took of her coat, and went straight into her room.

-"So, how have you been?", she asked in an apparently calm voice, but loud enough to be heard through the door. Mark answered, but it was impossible to hear what he said.

-"Sit down Mark"

-

-"Sit- down!", she said as if she tried to control her anger.

-

-"What's her name?"

-

-"Are you sure?"

-

-"So why did you leave me?"

-

-"Don't tell me that was the reason. You wanted it yourself!"

-

-"How could I know exactly what she would do?"

-

-"You knew she was a bit rough."

-

-"I have told you that several times."

-

-"You know it can get a bit unpredictable. That's part of the game."

-

-"Ok, so you felt humiliated. I told you I wouldn't lend you to her anymore."

-

-"Is that what you wanted?"

-

-"So you wanted me to break my friendship with Susan because of this?"

-

-"So first I go to Susan and tell her you want me to lend you to her, and then I break contact with her because you weren't totally happy with her treatment?"

-

-"And because I wont do that, you have decided that the three years we've spent together means nothing?"

-

-"Yes- You know Mark, all I want to do is to break every single bone in your body, but since I know from experience that you are made out of jelly, it wouldn't make much difference- You can go home now."

Mark came out of the room and went straight to the front door, but as he picked up the box, he seemed to remember something.

-"Mary, could you tell Linda that my address is (-) in case she gets my mail?"

-"Tell her yourself."

He put the box down and went slowly towards Lindas room. As if he was opening a lion's cage, he pushed the half-closed door open.

-"Linda, my new address is (-) in case you get my mail."

-"Write it down."

He went into her room and came out again after less than a minute. As he crossed the doorsteps, I heard Lindas voice:

-"Do you want me to give it to Susan?"

He turned his head quickly.

-"No!"

-"Why not?"

She was obviously in a sadistic mood.

-"Don't do it."

-"Why?"

There was a short silence.

-"Please don't do it."

-"I think I will- I'll do it right now."

Not knowing what to say, he just stood there with anxiety written all over his face.

-"So you are afraid of her?"

-"Yes"

-"More than of me?"

-"Yes"

-"That's the problem, I treated you too well."

Again there was silence.

-"Go, you're not worth tormenting."

He went for his box, picked it up again, and opened the front door.

-"I think I heard Susan in the hall.", Mary said with sadistic pleasure.

Mark's face turned white. I just about had it with their mistreatment and started to identify with him.

-"Can't you just leave him alone?", I said to Mary, but was ignored.

Mark hesitated to go out in the hallway as Linda came in to the living-room.

-"Aren't you leaving Mark?"

-"I told him that Susan is waiting to jump him.", Mary said.

-"But that is true. Its just a matter of time before she gets you.", Linda said delighted.

-"I can join you downstairs.", I said to Mark, furious of these womens behaviour.

At first Mark seemed relieved, but than his facial expression changed. He looked nervously at Linda and Mary, and there was an alarming silence in the room. I was not going to let myself be intimidated, and stood up from my chair to approach him. Mary grabbed my arm.

Suddenly Linda rushed towards Mark, grabbed him in his jacket while he was still holding the box, lifted him up, and threw him into the hallway. He fell down on the floor, with the laptop and his other stuff on its way down the stairs.

Then she turned at me. Mary stood up and blocked her path.

-"Wait until your calm. Nothing good will come out of punishing him now."

Linda answered with her eyes fixed on me.

-"I'm not going to hurt him."

Mary got out of her way, as Linda closed in on me. Her look was unfocused and frightening. I stood paralysed with my head bowed. Without touching me, she asked:

-"Have I treated you well?"

-"Yes"

There was a short silence.

-"Will you leave me?"

Her question ran through my mind. I had to find an answer quickly.

-"No"

-"Sure"

-"Yes"

-"Good"

She turned around.

-"Mary, I will go for a walk."

-"Ok"

And then she left.

-"She must really like you.", Mary said as I again sat down by the table.

I didn't answer.

***

Lenoard Cohen was singing about the future as Linda picked me on the arm.

-"Are you asleep?"

-"No, I'm just thinking."

-"About what?"

-"About the first days we were together."

-"Yes"

A few seconds passed.

-"I once were with a guy who reminds me of you."

-"Mark?"

-"No, not Mark- Tom. He was even more fragile than you- You know, if he bought something that turned out to be broken, he didn't return it. He just bought a new one somewhere else. He was such a chicken shit!"

At first she laughed, but then she got a sad look on her face.

-"Eventually I could not take it any longer and started to return things for him. It really annoyed me, and at one time, just to toughen him up a bit, I told him that no woman would find a man that cowardly, attractive. You should've seen the look on his face! It is the saddest look I've ever seen in my life!"

She stopped and I could sense that her breathing got heavier. The mouth was half open and her whole body looked tense.

-"Anyway-, I told him afterwards that I loved him still."

Half a minute passed.

-"It didn't work out though.", she added.

-"What happened?"

-"You'll find out soon enough.", was her cryptic answer.

***

An hour later, she came back and brought with her several bags of food. She went straight into the kitchen and started cooking. It took a while, but when she was done, she served fried king-sized shrimps, rice, curry sauce, and egg rolls, together with cider, different sorts of soda, and my favourite drink, milk. It tasted fantastic, and Linda seemed totally friendly and forthcoming. She didn't say much though, but the atmosphere at the table was relaxed and cosy.

Mary was in her room and wasn't invited in. I liked that. The feeling of being excluded when Linda and Mary talked together could really get to me sometimes.

It didn't take long before I had forgotten all about the incident. Well, not totally forgotten. The memory of the past occurrence was carved in the back of my brain. Whenever I saw signs of irritation in her face, even at the smallest level, anxiety would rice and remind me of my fear for her. But as long as she was sweet and friendly, I felt immensely safe and secure. I loved her. I loved her so much that just the idea of her rejecting me became unbearable.

After a few days she told me that she owned a house in a deserted, mountainous area outside the city. It was her childhood home which her parents had left her after they died in a car accident. She had lived there for a brief period with Mark, and longed to get back, so that she again could challenge the steepest mountainsides. She also suggested that we moved there for good.

Things happened fast, but I started to get used to being without control. Linda took care of everything, and soon we were established in our new home, about 25 miles from the city.

I discovered that she was a stamp collector. She was particularly happy with her collection of German stamps from the pre-nazi period. She showed me the stamps from 1923 when France occupied the industry in Ruhr, after Germany had failed to meet the obligations regarding her enormous war debt. The German workers went on strike, and their government supported them by printing more money so that they still could pay their salaries. This led to inflation, and the stamps showed the rapid deterioration of the economy that finally became the result. Towards the end of that year you could by stamps with the printed value of 50 billion marks.

It is hard to describe my relationship with her at that time. On the surface it would seem as if she oppressed me, but it didn't feel that way. She was a very compassionate and considerate person, and she always seemed to adjust her behaviour according to the mental state I was in. She never commanded me if I was exhausted, and always knew how to make me feel better if I was down. If I objected to something, no matter what it was, she always listened to what I said. In some way, she respected my feelings more than any of my previous girlfriends (we're not talking about a large number here).

But there was no question about the fact that she always had the last word. If she had made a final decision, she would send out signals that wiped out any resistance on my behalf.

She kept a mental distance to me. Even without her girlfriends around, she was reluctant to talk to me. This, together with the underlying anxiety I had for her anger, led to a constant tension that only was resolved when I lay in her arms. Sometimes it was enough just to sit next to her in the couch, feeling her arm against mine as we watched television. Other times, especially if she for some reason, witch I usually didn't understand, seemed annoyed with me, I would need more, much more. I could go so far as to initiate oral sex with her to get that feeling of close contact. She was surprised by this, but seemed charmed at the same time. It usually worked, but if she was not in the mood, she would, as carefully she could, tell me that we should do it some other time.

She wasn't totally happy with me. I could sense it, but it was never brought to the surface. Sometimes several days could pass without her initiating sex, and she could become even more dismissing to any effort on my behalf to start a conversation. She would preoccupy herself with climbing, and be gone for 5-10 hours, sometimes not coming home before late in the evening (I think she saw climbing in the dark as an extra challenge). If she were really irritated, she would deliberately sit away from me on the couch, and stay far from my side of the bed during the night. That was unbearable, and it could feel as if my whole world was collapsing. The lack of verbal connection made the outcome of a confrontation very uncertain, and I simply didn't have the guts for it.

It was during such a period that the incident happened that would eventually change everything. She had a cat, Lisa, as she would call her, who was a real troublemaker. She attacked furniture, wallpaper, carpets, and everything easily breakable like a vase on a shelf. Linda had a great affection for her, and never mistreated her no matter what she did. If she had some unsorted stamps on a table in our common workroom, where I wrote my stories on her computer, she would always tell me to keep the door closed at all times to prevent an onslaught from her cat. I thought she was exaggerating the danger, and didn't pay so much attention to it if she was outside climbing. In addition, I am a very distracted person, and forget practical rules more than anything. Still, usually I would keep it closed, with the exception of when I went to the bathroom, or just needed to fix myself something to eat in the kitchen, knowing that I would return afterwards.

One day when she came home, she discovered that the door was open. She found me in the kitchen and asked me why I hadn't closed it. I said that I'd planned to return in a minute, but was strictly told that as long as there was stamps on the table, there was no exception to the rule. She didn't seem upset, but I realised I had to do it her way.

Then, one evening, after three-four days of rejection, I had been writing on a story to distract myself from the frustration I felt. It was about a young man being with a strong woman who loved him above anything in the world. She was never annoyed with him for no reason, and would hold him in her arms every day. She was so strong, so tolerant, so kind and understanding, and, above all, she couldn't imagine her life without him.

I got angry with Linda as I wrote this, feeling that she was mistreating me. My imaginary woman would never have done that to the man she loved, and I started to wonder if I should tell her how I felt. I got braver and braver, and eventually had it all sorted out. She would come home and I would go straight to her and tell her that we had to talk. Then I would firmly explain how I felt, and demand that she didn't reject me when there was no reason to. All this courage must have cost me some energy, because I started to get hungry. As I walked through the door, I remembered Linda's rule. -It's ridiculous, I thought. I was only going to be gone for a few minutes. Demonstrative I left the door open.

As an ironic act of fate, or simply a result of Lisa's devilish nature, the cat ran into the room as I put a couple of chicken burgers on the frying pan. I sat down at the kitchen table, content with myself, and had just started on my second burger when Linda came home. My first instinct was to go and close the door, but my new stubbornness told me not to.

I prepared for the conversation as I heard Linda's voice.

-"What the-!"

I thought she was just upset because I had not followed her orders. -My emotional distress is more important than these rules!, I thought, almost indignant over her reaction.

She showed her face in the door opening. I pulled myself together, not quite registering the emotional state she was in.

-"Linda, we have to talk.", I said firmly.

-"Ok", she answered slowly.

-"You are rejecting me, and I don't know why. I want you to explain. This is getting to me."

There was something staccato about the way I said it, and didn't at all sound as I had imagined it. Linda looked at me for a couple of seconds before she suddenly rushed towards me, grabbed my upper arms, and pulled me out of my chair. She almost threw me out of the door as she yelled:

-"Go outside before I kill you!"

I hurried out in the hallway. As I looked in to the workroom, I saw the miserable state the stamps were in. Lisa had played with, licked and chewed on them for almost 20 minutes. I felt horror inside and had a trouble breathing as I walked through the front door. Outside sat Lisa and wanted in. Linda had opened the window in the workroom and tossed her out, but Lisa resented this, and would much rather be inside than out here in the cold darkness.

I went a few steps away from the house and sat down by a plum tree. I picked up a half-rotten plum from the ground and thought it was a good symbol of the state our relationship was in at the moment. I had become more and more dependent on her. I had stopped studying completely after I met her, and had actually relied on that she would support me when my bank account was empty. She had not charged me any rent, only expected that I took my share in the running expenditures, and even at that she didn't seem to eager. Now, it seemed insane to rely on her goodwill. But my biggest problem was my emotional anxiety, the fear of having lost her love. I decided that if she would keep me I would start studying again, or, even better, find myself a job and show her that I didn't expect her to support me. I would win her respect.

After fifteen minutes she came out. She walked until she was a few yards away from me.

-"I'm going to bed. You can come in now, but tonight you'll sleep on the couch."

Not waiting for an answer, she returned to the house.

The night was dreadful, but the next day was worse. She hardly spoke to me, and, in my eyes, looked as if she despised me completely. I was in despair, but didn't dear to say a single word to her. That is, I whispered "I'm sorry", but her response was to give me a look as if to say: -Don't remind me.

When it was bedtime, we sat on each side of the couch drinking tea. Linda finally opened her mouth.

-"What would you prefer? That I don't speak to you for the rest of the week, or slap you around a little bit just to get out the frustration?"

She didn't say it in an all-hostile tone of voice.

-"That you slap me around."

-"Really?"

-"Yes"

-"Hmm. Ok."

I could se a hint of smile in her face.

-"Come here."

I crawled toward her. She grabbed me under my arms and placed me sitting on her lap.

-"I know a much better way to punish such a sweet little boy."

What she meant was sex. Fierce and delightful sex. It was like a dream come true. Finally I was safe.

***

Linda interrupted my thoughts.

-"Do you want to hear one of his poems?"

-"Hmm?"

-"Do you want to hear one of his poems?"

-"Who?"

-"Tom"

-"-yes"

-"He wrote it for me on my birthday. I liked it so much that I learned it by heart."

-"Do you like it?", she asked short after.

-"Yes"

A few seconds passed.

-"Why do you write poems?"

-"To express how I feel."

-"Why?"

I thought about for a couple of moments.

-"You clarify your thoughts."

-"Is that the reason?"

I sighed.

-"Its not the only reason- It makes you proud to se that you are able to express it so well."

-"So you can show it to others?"

-"Yes- But- not necessarily- Sometimes approval from your self can be enough."

-"Ok"

She wasn't quite finished with the subject.

-"I just wonder, because sometimes he could spend several days on just one poem. I seemed to be the most important thing in the world. I mean, it was nice to listen to, but I don't see the big deal. Its just words on paper."

-"You want to do it well. What is the point in writing poems if it's just half-done?"

She nodded.

-"He was always over focused on everything he did. Like you. For a few days it was the only thing that mattered, and then- it was over. If he had written a poem he was happy with, it could take months before he wrote another one. I never understood that."

-"How long were you together?"

She didn't seem happy with the question.

-"Two years. Almost."

***

I woke up the next day in her arms. We lay in spoon-position and for some reason, she had her hand in my crotch between my thighs. I draw the conclusion that she must have deliberately placed it there during the night. Carefully I removed her arm not to wake her, and stepped out of the bed.

I decided to make breakfast for her, and as she woke she could sense the smell of toast. Smiling, she entered the kitchen, and we ate our food in beautiful silence while looking at the November snow through the window.

-"The snow came early this year.", Linda said.

-"Yes. Will this upset your climbing?"

She smiled.

-"No, not at all. It's an extra challenge."

-"You're crazy, you know that?"

She brushed my hair and stood up.

-"I'll leave early today."

-"When?"

-"I'm just getting dressed."

-"Ok"

So, she left. I sat down and watched television. There was not much to see, and I was soon bored. I hadn't been in the workroom since the incident, and decided to try to rewind my inspiration to write. I pushed down the handle and slammed into the door. It was locked. Ok. I felt a little humiliated, but as long as she forgave me, nothing else really mattered. I sat back in front of the television.

I was used to write on the computer, and didn't want to return to pen and paper. On the other side, I really didn't want to press my luck by mentioning it to her. She had obviously made her decision.

She came home at noon, and when we sat and ate dinner, I asked her the following question:

-"Could we move the computer out in the living room?"

-"Why?"

-"So that I can write."

-"Can't you write now?"

-"Not when you are out."

She smiled a little bit.

-"You want me to unlock the door?"

I nodded.

-"I'll clean up the stamps today so that I won't have to lock the door again."

-"Ok- Thanks.", I said with a low voice.

Next day she left after dinner, so I didn't expect her to be home before dark. Things had been nice between us, and I was in a good mood. I started on three different stories that I realised I never would finish. That was business as usual.

Early in the evening I sat in the couch and watched the news. A Palestinian mob had just killed two Israeli soldiers that had, with two others, been brought to a police station after trespassing in the Palestinian area. One of them was thrown out of a window and dragged around on the street. -There goes the Oslo agreement, was my immediate thought. Frustration always causes the weak part in a conflict to make the worst of mistakes, and thereby justifying retaliatory actions from the mighty.

I was getting increasingly bored as I sat there, and hoped Linda would return soon. There was not much hope for that though, and I started to walk restless around the house.

Then I thought of looking through her stamp collection. She liked when I took interest in it, so I knew she wouldn't mind. On the top of the pile of stamp books that still lay upon the table in the workroom, was her German collection. I brought it with me to the kitchen and laid it on the table before I put on the coffeemaker. Sitting on my chair, I opened the book to the first page and saw the oldest, and most valuable of her German stamps, starting from 1872. After a little while I felt I understood, sort of, why it could be such a relaxed pleasure for her to look through the collection. On some of the stamps you could read when they were posted. That was actually a little exiting.

The coffee was done and I stood up and poured it into a huge cup with the following text written on it: Worlds best boyfriend. Linda had given it to a former boyfriend, but for some reason, it had been returned, and now she had passed it on to me. I was very flattered by that.

With the cup in my hand I smiled to my self and thought about how good it felt to be appreciated by her. I wandered back to the table in my own thought, and, as have happened so many times before, my distracted mind caused me to stumble in to the chair. A few drops of coffee fell down on the stamps. I immediately felt an uncontrolled stomach ache, almost like a cramp. My body twitched, and as I almost lost of balance, the coffee cup slipped out of my hand and landed on the opened book. I looked at the ruined page with indescribable horror. I felt sick, and rushed to the sink where I threw up. I had only one thought in my mind: To get out!

I hurried through the hallway and took on my shoes and coat within seconds, before I opened the front door and ran towards a small forest nearby. With fright I discovered a small dot in the distance, and realised it had to be Linda. After a few seconds I heard her call at me, but I continued to run. She called again, but my only thought was to disappear into the forest as fast as I could. I turned to see if she was following me, but she wasn't.

I ran for about ten minutes before I had to slow down. My physical condition wasn't very good, and I was breathing heavily as I walked further into the woods. After another 20 minutes I felt the need to sit down and sort things out. I found myself a rock, but before I got the time to think things through, I heard a noise. Immediately I stood up, and the moment after, Linda appeared from behind a tree. She stood still for a few seconds looking hesitant, but then she walked slowly but determined towards me with a sour look on her face. I was terrified and started to move backwards. She stopped.

-"Ah! Give me a break."

I stopped.

-"So-, what happened?" "-Hmm?", she added when I didn't reply.

-"I'm sorry."

-"Your sorry? Why did you just leave the book there with coffee all over it?"

I didn't answer.

-"Hmm?"

-"I'm sorry.", I said anxiously.

-"If you say your sorry one more time I'm gonna bitch-slap you." "Why did you just leave?", she repeated slowly. I could hear how her anger rose."

-"I was afraid."

-"You were afraid. Ok-" "Are you a fucking child?!", she burst out. "Ha?! Have I dragged in a fucking child to live with me?!"

Her look was full of contempt.

-"You know- Stay here!- Stay here! I don't care.", she said before she turned around and left.

My world had collapsed. What I felt was not despair, but emptiness and self-despise. The woman I had seen as my saviour, loaded me. I started to walk further into the woods. I guess I also were hurt and felt sorry for myself, but self-pity only works if you believe others care. I remember thinking that if she had seen my moping, she would just have despised me more.

I had an inch of self-respect left. She was going to see that I also could be tough. If I went through the forest and over the mountain ahead, I would reach a small place with a few houses and a bus stop. This was no trip for a wimp. I would have to go about 20 miles in tough terrain and snow. That would show her!

When Linda came back to the house, she took a quick shower, ate a fast meal, and went to bed, leaving the front door open. She was exhausted by her climbing and her anger, and just wanted to fall asleep. Not for one second did she consider the possibility that I wouldn't be there when she woke up.

Linda told me once what happened after she left me.

The next morning she went into the kitchen for breakfast. After she was done, she went to throw the leftovers into the garbage can under the sink. As she looked down, she saw the puke from yesterday. She didn't quite know how to interpret it, but got a worried feeling in her stomach. She went into the living room, and when she didn't find me there and saw that I hadn't slept on the couch, she looked into the workroom. Her heart was pounding and she felt anger as well as worry. "Where is that moron?!", she said loudly to herself, and took on her boots to search outside.

Meanwhile I had reached the mountain and found shelter in a cave. I had been walking for hours during the night, and had to find rest before I could start to move up the mountainside. I thought that my coat would keep me fairly warm, and decided to try to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later and it felt as if I had spent the night in a freezer. I had a hard time getting up on my feet, and both hands felt numb and had started to swollen. I knew I had to get back and started to walk as fast as I could. It was as if I was drained of energy, and it became increasingly harder just to stay on my feet. After a couple of hours, my walk was almost brought to a halt, and only pure will kept me stumbling forward. It was at that time I heard Linda's voice:

-"Where are you, you fucking moron?!"

Her voice was a mixture of anger and despair.

-"I'm here.", I said as loud as I could.

A few seconds later Linda came rushing towards me and blocked my path. She looked me up and down, and then directly into my eyes.

-"Where the fuck- have you been?!", she said while breathing hard.

-"I'm sorry.", was all I managed to say before I started to cry uncontrollably.

-"Come.", she said and grabbed my arm to bring me with her, but I stumbled and fell to the ground.

I tried to get up, but my feet weren't strong enough. Linda helped me, but when she let go, I just sank back down. I made another effort, but Linda went down on her knees, held around me, and said: "Shh." She lifted me up on her back and held me under my thighs, with my arms hanging over her shoulders. I almost passed out.

She walked with an incredible speed, and after an hour we came back to the house. Even for her, this was exhausting, but she ignored the pain in her arms and feet, and hurried in to bring me on the couch. She brought in several ovens to get the heat up, and took of my clothes before she wrapped several blankets around me. I sat like this in the couch while she started to rub my feet.

-"You must be the stupidest man I've been with, what where you thinking?", she asked in a low voice.

-"I'm sorry."

-"Stop saying that!", she said, without sounding hard. She stopped the rubbing and placed one hand on her forehead. It looked as if she was about to cry. -But then she grabbed my feet again as if nothing had happened.

-"When you get better, we need to talk.", she said.

I immediately draw the conclusion that she was going to break up with me, and started to cry again.

-"So, so", she said and clapped my arm.

I pulled myself together the best I could, and looked out in the air with an empty feeling inside of me.

-"Don't look so sad. It's ok now."

I looked at her.

-"Will you break up with me?", I asked with a weak voice.

-"No", she said and shook her head. "I will not break up with you." -"But we need to talk.", she added.

She gave me hot cocoa and soup, and after having been taking care of for an hour or so, I started to feel better. I tried to rice up, but that didn't work, so my strength obviously needed some more time to recover.

Linda sat down next to me on the couch.

-"Did you throw up because you were afraid of me?"

-"Yes"

-"You're that afraid?"

-"Yes"

She sighed.

-"I'm gonna ask you an honest question, and you will give me an honest answer. Are you looking for a mother?"

-"Yes"

She looked as if she was itching to say that she was not going to be my mother, but she said nothing. She sighed again while rubbing her face with both hands.

-"Ok", she said with an undetermined voice and stood up.

She went to the kitchen to boil some water. After a few minutes she came back with a cup of tea in her hand, and sat down on the chair on the other side of the table.

-"Tomorrow we'll take the car and you will join me for a long ride."

-"Where?"

-"You'll see."

She made love to me that night as if it was for the first time.

***

The rain had eased off, but we were still in no mans land, now with a hilly landscape on each side of the road. Linda pulled over. She put on the handbrake and turned towards me.

-"Let's go."

We had walked for a few minutes on a field covered with grass, when Linda stopped and bowed down by a hillside. By removing the grass she disclosed a small wooden cross that lay flat on the ground. She looked up towards me.

-"Here lies Tom."

-"Ha?"

-"Tom", she said and stood up.

There was silence in about a minute. I looked at her.

-"What do you mean?"

-"What it sounds like I mean."

I looked at her with scepticism.

-"That you killed him?"

-"Yes"

-"Ok", I said in disbelief, thinking that she might have meant it symbolically.

-"You don't believe me?"

-"No"

She nodded.

-"Come here", she sad and took me with her to sit on some rocks nearby.

I wondered if she had gone mad, and started to worry about my safety.

-"Do you know that there are people who really hates being tickled? I mean, really hate it?"

What was she talking about?!

I nodded in confusion.

-"I'm not talking about like you. I mean, if I tickle you, you can beg me to stop, but you also like me doing it(?)"

I nodded again. She continued. Her voice was out of harmony as if she couldn't find the right words.

-"He didn't. He genuinely hated it. It was like mild torture for him. I have never seen anyone as hysterical as when I tickled him- So I didn't. I usually didn't. But- He was so weak. God, that could annoy me. Sometimes I wanted to punish him for it. But I couldn't. He always did what I said, and looked up to me as if I was a goddess. I couldn't punish him- But I wanted to. I could work myself up sometimes, wanting to shake the crap out of him. Scream to him that he was suppose to be a man, but the slightest rejection from me brought him in a state of despair. You heard the poem. That was who he was. One little sign, and he thought I no longer loved him. I had to watch my every word- I grabbed him once and lifted him up to the ceiling. He thought I was playing with him, but I really did it out of anger. I looked at him as he hang there helpless, and for one second I thought about killing him. But I didn't. I loved him. I really did."

She sounded stressed, and took a short break before she went on. I sat in dead silence and listened to her. I can't tell you what I thought. I'm not sure I thought about anything. She sounded more relaxed now.

-"One night he sat on my lap as we watched television. We lived in the cellar in my grandparent's house, and during the winter it was always cold, no matter how many ovens we put on. We called it "The curse" and Tom invented the theory that it was the chill of my great grandfather's ghost we felt. He had died in this room under suspicious circumstances. My great grandmother was acquitted, but there weren't many of her relatives that actually believed that he had fallen down the stairs, crawled into the living room, and died there while my great grandmother lay at sleep in her bed.

But, anyway, this was during the wintertime, and I had my arms wrapped around him to keep him and myself warm. We watched a sitcom, and I noticed how childish he looked there on my lap as he giggle and laughed at the jokes. I thought he was cute, but I also felt that aggression rice up in me. Those two feelings sort of melted together and I was brought in a sadistic mood. So-, I held him tightly around his waist as I started to tickle him. He immediately begged me to stop, but I was not going to. Then he started to scream and fight me. I stopped the tickling, but held him tighter so that he could hardly move a muscle. He started to beg me not to tickle him anymore, but I had a devil inside of me, and a few moments later I was at it again. Now he really panicked and started to scream that he would leave me. I thought that was ridiculous since he was totally dependent on me, both emotionally and economically. I stopped for a little while, and teased him by asking where he would go. But he just kept yelling at me as he tried to get loose, and in a distracted moment he managed to break free with unusual force.

I was a little annoyed with what I saw as an overreaction, and I stood up to go after him as he moved backwards towards the door. He looked at me with desperate eyes, and as he realised I would not let him go, he said- "Fucking whore!" I was shocked. No one talked to me like that, and him?!- He who weighted his every word, terrified that I might get upset with him. I wasn't going to let this pass. This wasn't about tickling any longer, now he needed to be placed back into his fold.

He turned around and tried to get out the door, but I easily grabbed him around his waist and pulled him with me. Suddenly I felt a tremendous pain in my eye. He had driven his thumb into to it! I had no option but to let him go. Blood was dripping from my eye, and I feared for a moment that I had lost the vision on it. I looked at him. He stood trembling at the kitchen door. I approached him slowly, and he ran into the kitchen. In a drawer he found himself a large knife and stood with his back against the wall, pointing it at me. That really got me mad. First he might have blinded my eye, and now he was threatening me with a knife! I was not going to negotiate with him.

If he had dropped it, I wouldn't have done more than to put him in a state of helplessness one way or another, but when I commanded him to, he showed no sign of surrender.

So, I simply went towards him, and he- tried to stab me. He tried to stab me- That was the drop. I had simply blocked his move with my arm, but was so surprised that he actually did it, that I hadn't taken advantage of my successful defence. He was still holding the knife, but now I was in a different mood. As I approached him again, he tried to stab me again. I blocked the move, and sent my fist toward his head. It slammed into the wall... A brick wall... A brick wall covered with thin wallpaper. He fell down to the floor, and as he lied there, I said to him that if he just stopped fighting, I wouldn't hurt him- But he was dead."

It was all unreal, and even though I believed what she said, I still couldn't relate to it emotionally.

-"What happened with the police?", I asked.

-"He had nobody! He had broken the contact with his parents long time ago, and he hadn't a friend in the entire world. He used to tell me that I was the only one that had accepted him for who he was. But I didn't accept him for who he was. (Stands up in rising frustration) I despised that fucking weakling!"

She yelled that last sentence and started to cry without control. But quickly she pulled herself together.

-"I didn't despise him, but his weakness could really get to me sometimes."

She looked at me.

-"Why did he have to oppose me?- Hmm?- Why did he have to oppose me?"

I realised that she actually expected me to answer the question.

-"I don't know. Maybe you pushed him to far."

-"So it was my fault?"

My heart stated pounding.

-"No, but I'm just trying to se it from his point of view."

-"I don't know."

-"I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me- why."

-"I don't know."

She looked at me with unfriendly eyes.

-"I take care of you every day and soon I'll have to fucking support you too. Everything I'm asking you is to answer this simple question."

-"What is the question?"

-"Ha?!"

-"What is the question?"

-"Why did he oppose me?!"

-"I have answered that!", I said with hint of desperation in my voice.

She shook her head.

-"No. You said I pushed him too far. I had pushed his limits a million times, and he always caved in. What was so special about this?"

-"You said your self that he hated to be tickled."

-"YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!", she yelled at me.

I stood up, frightened. She grabbed both my arms and seemed to try to calm down.

-"Answer the question."

-"I don't know."

She threw me to the ground. Again I sensed the disharmony return to her voice.

-"You're fucking useless. Just like him. What do you expect? That a woman wants to take care of you because you write poems?! Hmm?!- I ask you one fucking favour- But I'm not going to let you get away with it. You know what the problem with me is? I'm too kind. I should have beaten the crap out of him a long time ago, to teach him to adjust to the real world. Not the fantasy, poesy world he lived in. But I was afraid to break him down. -But if you're so weak that you can't survive on your own, maybe you don't deserve to live. Hmm? Have you thought about that?"

She started to approach me as I crawled backwards. She had a distant look in her eyes that terrified me. As she bowed down, I panicked and kicked her hard in the head. It caught her totally of guard and she was stunned. I got up and started to run upwards the hillside. Soon it became much steeper, and my only option was to start climbing. Halfway up to the nearest shelf, I realised how stupid this was since she was a 100 times better climber than me, but now I had no alternative but to continue. As I reached the shelf, I turned around and saw her approaching on the ground. There was approximately 15 feet down. I looked around and felt the fear rice as I concluded that I was trapped. The walls were to steep for me to climb further up.

I watched her climb in an incredible speed. I tried to be calm and thought about kicking her down when she came near enough, but I really didn't believe that I had the skill to pull it of, now that she was prepared. Then I discovered some rocks lying on the shelf. I picked one up. It weighted perhaps 20 pounds, and would be an extremely effective weapon if I hit her right.

I lifted it over my head and waited. She saw it right away, and kept her eyes fixed at me as she continued to close in.

-"Stop or I'll throw it!"

She didn't comply. I hesitated. I didn't now if it was because I was paralysed by fear, or because I still loved her. But as she came closer, I tried to prepare for the throw. And- Then came the moment. She had just placed one arm on the edge of the shelf, and within seconds she would have pulled herself up. Now was the time. Even she couldn't have dodged it if I threw it right. And-

In that moment I knew that I still loved her. Powerless I dropped the stone to the ground and backed into the stone wall behind me. She walked slowly towards me with a determined look on her face. As she stood a yard away from me, she looked directly into my eyes and asked:

-"Why didn't you throw the stone little weakling."

-"Because I love you."

-"Why?"

-"Because you're such a hopeless case."

She smiled, almost laughed. Then she grabbed me, pulled me towards her, and wrapped her arms around me.

-"I love you.", she said and started to cry as she squeezed me hard.

-"You're hurting me."

-"Oh, shut up!", she said and let go.

She looked at me with a huge smile in her face. Slowly she got down on her knees and took one of my hands.

-"Will you promise to be with me forever?"

-"Linda, I'll love you even if you break me into a thousand pieces, as long as you always put me back together again."

-"I promise"