Popeye and Olive Duke it Out
By Beaten Man - Replies to humbled@abeatenman.com 
She beat the pipe out of him


This story is at Jorge's request

He'd finally done it. He'd finally gone to far. Everytime she had a date that
squint eyed pipe smoking moron showed up and ruined it.. And the guys she was
dating , they'd been hot too. Big strong, dark haired sailors. You know, guys
like Bluto

No. Olive Oyl had had quite enough of Popeyes meddling. He had beaten up her
last date. She was sick to death of him and his spinach. Just because they
were husband and wife didn't mean he owned her. .She didn't even know his last
name.

She did know that Popeye fought every Friday night at at Wimpy's Bar and
Grill. Where all tabs are settled on Tuesdays and the burgers were the best in
town

He would enter their tough man competition.and he always fought five fights.
And he always brought five cans of spinach.

He'd never lost a bout and had been the bar's undefeated champion for six
years. He cheated. He ate a can of spinach during every bout.

Two can play at that game.

She decided that this Friday night there would be a new competitor. Olive
intended to replace one of the five cans with a can of tofu spinach. She'd
take the fifth can and use it herself. She intended to be his fifth challenger
that week.

Having made her decision she spent the next three days training at McGonicles
gym. She learned how to keep her hands up by looking at pictures of John L
Sullivan. In a couple of days she'd mastered the technique of keeping her arms
straight out in front of her with her elbows slightly bent and her knuckles
pointing up. She learned how to keep her fists rotating as she held her arms
out.

She did squats and she did crunches and she did pushups. She ran around the
building for minutes on end to improve her stamina. She punched the bag and
skipped the rope. She got herself into the best shape of her life. She was a
lean, mean fighting machine.

Extremely lean.

On Friday she packed Popey his five cans. She gave him four cans of spinach
and one can of tofu. She numbered the cans 1 thru 5 with # 5 being the tofu
spinach. Even an idiot like Popeye would be able to figure out which can to
use. When he ate his fifth can, she would eat the real can.

She gave him his morning peck on the cheek [Popeye didn't have lips] and
wished him good luck..

That night she sat out in the crowd and watched the bouts. She watched as
Popeye would fight each contender. He would fight for two rounds and if he
hadn't been able to win he would eat a can of spinach before the last round.
He scored four third round kayos as she watched.

After the fourth bout Wimpy asked if there were any more challengers. Olive
stood up and said I'll fight him. Wimpy couldn't believe that a woman would
challenge the great Popeye. Certainly not his wife. He fumbled and harumphed.
Finally he said she could, but would have to pay her tab now instead of on
Tuesday. Olive agreed and headed for the ring.

When she got into the ring she took off her skirt and blouse. She stood there
bare chested in her boxing trunks and sneakers. She struck a double bicep pose
for the assembled spectators. Then she flexed her left. Then she flexed her
right. She put on a hell of a show. The crowd roared their approval

But Olivesk, Popeye said, I can't be hittin the womansk I loves. Well the
womansk you loves is going to be hitting you, Olive replied, mimicing his odd
speech pattern. You had better deal with it. With that she started warming up.

Popeye watched his wife shadow boxing. As he watched her titties jiggle with
each punch he was struck by an odd thought. No wonder she's called Olive Oyl.
Most women have either melons, grapefruits or oranges. She has Olives.

And Popey loved olives. Especially the stuffed ones with the red tips.

He was interupted in his thoughts of olives and pimento stuffing by the bell.

The two fighters moved out to the center of the ring and began circling each
other. Olive decided that since his chin stuck out in the front of his face
that would be her best target. She jabbed twice and both hit his chin. Popeye
tried his extra special wind up punch. He wound up his right fist by twisting
it around his wrist until it was tight. Than he let it go at Olives face. His
fist spun harmlessly as she ducked and punched him in the stomach.

Me wifesk can fights, he thought. I'd better getsk busy. Popeye began to jab
at Olives head. She kept moving her head from left to right, like a cobra
dancing, and the jabs went sailing by. After his fifth jab she started
punching back. She punched him all the way across the ring as the band played
be kind to your web footed friends in the background. As Popeye hung in the
ropes she popped him a beautiful uppercut and the pipe flew out of his mouth.
Then he fell forward flat on his face.

Now Popeye may not have been used to getting hit by Olive but he was plenty
used to getting hit. And getting knocked down. Before Wimpy could count to two
he was on his feet,.

Olive moved right back in and socked him on the chin with her right. Popeye
stumbled back against the ropes. She pursued him and punched him silly. She
hit him in the jaw with her right and his head spun around three times. She
hit him with her left and it spun the other way. She punched him twice in the
stomach and the room filled with the smell of stale spinach.

She kept him pinned against the ropes receiving her punches until the bell
rang. By the time it did Popeye was hanging helplessly on the ropes, all but
out.. She patted him on the head and went to her corner. Wimpy had to help
Popeye to his.

She had beaten the tar out of her sailor. Get it. Beaten the tar out of her
tar.

Popeye was a mess. His one eye was swollen shut and it was black. His nose was
bleeding and his body was all bruised. He'd even swallowed the plastic stem of
his pipe. He would be making whistling sounds when he passed gas for the next
week. When you eat as much spinach as him that could be a lot of whistling.

He decided that he'd better not fool around. He popped open his fifth can and
swallowed the tofu.

Luckily for Olive Popeye never actually chewed his spinach. He would just
crush the can until the spinach flew up in the air and then swallow it as it
came down. He never tasted the difference.

As Popeye ate his tofu spinach Olive sat in her corner sipping her spinach out
of a plastic cup. Popeye would think she was just having water.

The bell rang for the second round and the two fighters advanced on each
other. Even though he'd had his ass handed to him in the first round Popeye
looked confident. He made a muscle to intimidate her. He flexed expecting to
see a battleship or an anvil. Instead his muscle drooped down in a U shape.

Then Olive showed him hers. She flexed both her arms and his mouth hung open.
Her pipe stem arms swelled up bigger than his forearms. There were muscles
everywhere. Her chest muscles were so big here olives had become casabas.
Popeye began backing away.

Don't be such a wimp she said.

Now nobody calls Popeye a wimp. He marched back up to his muscle bound wife
and started throwing punches. Olive stood leaning with one arm on the ring
post and stifling a yawn with her other hand as his punches landed. He punched
like a whirlwind while Olive just stood there yawning. Eventually he ran
completely out of gas and just drooped in front of her panting.

All done sailor boy she said. She hit him with a right and Popeye skidded on
his heels across the ring into the ropes. She hit him so hard that his body
stretched the ropes all the way to the 4th row. When the ropes wouldn't
stretch any more they fired him back at Olive. He was flyng at her face first.

When his face arrived Olive punched him a tremendous uppercut and Popeye
sailed straight up in the air. He did a somersault as he crashed through the
roof and then started back down. He landed on his back out cold. The blood was
everywhere.

The crowd was going crazy as Wimpy counted slowly to ten. The count was slow
because he had forgotten what came after eight and they had to wait while
somebody went to the library and looked it up. But he did finally get to ten.
When he did he raised Olives hand in victory as she planted her foot on her
unconcious husbands chest.

Popeye was still laying there twenty minutes later when the ambulance arrived.
It was Tuesday before he regained conciousness.

Wimpy brought his tab by the hospital.

.