THE STORY OF MARGARET CULTING by Anthony Durrant 1st N.A. Serial Rights 572 Westminster Avenue (c) Anthony Durrant, 2000 Ottawa, Ontario, Canada September 30, 2000 K2A 2V3 All Rights Reserved. Margaret Culting sat at her desk in her office at Coulton & Coulton, Ltd. typing a letter on her old electronic typewriter. She finished the letter and handed it over to her boss, Jonathan Coulton, for signing. He took the letter and read it through, his gray eyes moving back and forth as he read. Finally he looked up at Margaret with a frown on his face. "Margaret," Coulton told her, "this is the second time you've handed me a letter without any commas. Is there anything wrong at home which I should know about?" "No, Mr. Coulton," Margaret said, "there isn't anything wrong at home - I've lived alone ever since my husband Bruce died some years ago, and we've never had any children." "Then why are there no commas in this letter?" Coulton asked. "Because, Mr. Coulton," Margaret told him, "the comma key on my typewriter is broken. If I had a computer in my office instead of my old electric typewriter, that wouldn't have happened!" "Well, you'll never get a computer!" Coulton snapped back. "Secretaries use typewriters, not keyboards linked to blinking TV screens with words on them. If you want a new typewriter, well, fine! I'll only be too happy to get one for you, Margaret - but a computer? Never! I hate computers!" "You'll never be able to find a new typewriter now!" Margaret snapped. "No one sells them anymore. What I want, Mr. Coulton, is a brand new computer to replace my old typewriter." "What you'll get, Margaret," Coulton shouted, "is the rest of the day off - to think about what I've told you. Now run along home and fix yourself something to eat for dinner, my child!" Sobbing, Margaret went to her office to cover her typewriter with its tarpaulin and then walked home. On the way, she stopped at the new store that had taken over the vacant space left behind by the Eager Beaver Convenience Store when it had closed several months ago, Angora's Convenience Store. When she went inside, Margaret saw children playing a video game; by the game, she noticed a row of videos along the wall. One shelf of cassettes was marked MOTIVATIONAL VIDEOS, but it was empty except for one very old video, still in its wrapper. Grabbing the video, Margaret went to the checkout counter, where she met the store's new owner; his name was Mr. Abatwa, and she'd bought items at the new store before, so he already knew her name. "What can I do for you, Mrs. Culting?" he asked in an African accent. "I'd like to buy this video," Margaret told him, "and see if it motivates me when I watch it." "That video was in Eager Beaver for years before it had to close," Abatwa told her, "and I keep it on the shelf as a courtesy to the store's original owners, who are now living in Florida with their daughter. There's no need to pay for that video - it's on the house. Take it home and enjoy it, Mrs. Culting. I'm sure it's going to bring you a lot of happiness when you put the cassette in your VCR!" "Thank you, Mr. Abatwa," Margaret said, "I shall enjoy this!" After buying some potato chips and a large bottle of Coke, Margaret walked home, unlocked her door with her key, opened the door and went in, closing the door after her. Placing the bag of chips on the table, she picked up the old Bible that was lying on the table at her husband's place. Opening it, she read the inscription written on the inside front cover: "This book belongs to Robert Bruce Culting, birth date unknown. I landed in Oregon on December 15, 1945, after which I bought this Bible to celebrate my safe arrival." "Oh, Bruce!" Margaret cried. "I wish - oh, I do so wish - that you could be here now!" Tossing the Bible onto the couch in a fit of despair, she looked at the video closely; it had been made and distributed by Dark Cat Productions and the title of the video was "Learn and Grow!" Removing the price tag, Margaret tore off the wrapper and placed the price tag on the top right corner of the video cover; then she pulled the video out of the cover, turned on her TV and changed the channel to Channel Three, then inserted the video itself into her VCR. Her cat Murgatroyd curled up in her lap as she watched the video begin to play on her TV. After the usual copyright warning, the title of the video appeared on screen with the maker's name above the title. After the title faded, the magic began. A big, muscular man appeared on screen, facing the camera boldly with a cocky smile. "Are you scrawny?" he shouted. "Are you so shy you can't even bear to face another person? Well, you'll soon be glad you're watching this video, for after you finish watching it, you'll never be shy or scrawny again! I've developed a system so unique, so different nobody in the world can outdo it. I am Darnell Rechards, and to change your whole life all you have to do is watch and learn!" As Margaret watched, captivated, Darnell's face faded from the screen and was replaced by the image of a weight standing alone at the back of a gym. She heard Darnell's voice speaking: "Look at this weight - it's five tons of iron. Now sit back in your chair and imagine reaching for the weight, grabbing the handle in your hand - whichever one's dominant will do fine - then lifting it over your head with one arm, supporting it easily by the handle as you hold it suspended overhead!" Spellbound, Margaret did as she was told, imagining herself reaching for the weight and lifting it over her head with one hand, her grip on the handle keeping the weight from falling. "Okay, now imagine you're carefully putting the weight back down on the floor." As Margaret watched, the image of the weight was replaced by that of a much bigger weight. She imagined herself putting the weight back down on the floor. "Again," Darnell said, "imagine you're grabbing the handle of this 10-ton weight, lifting it above your head, and holding it above you with one hand, supporting it by the handle on the top." As she imagined herself grabbing the handle and lifting the 10-ton weight over her head, Marga- ret suddenly felt a good feeling surging through her. "I'm feeling GOOD!" she cried. "Okay," Darnell said, "now imagine you're putting the 10-ton weight back down on the floor." Margaret saw herself in her mind's eye putting the 10-ton weight back down on the floor. Now the image of the 10-ton weight faded and was replaced by the image of an even bigger weight. "This one's a little harder," Darnell said, "but you can do it. Imagine you're lifting this 100-ton tractor trailer load carrier with one hand, supporting it above you with a firm grip on one of the axles on the bottom of the carrier, easily hefting it with no problem at all!" Margaret imagined she was grabbing one of the axles on the carrier and lifting it above her head with no problem, keeping a firm grip on the axle directly above her head. She felt this fire boiling up in- side her, creeping through her muscles and bones as if there was no tomorrow! "Feels like someone's LIGHTING my FIRE!" Margaret cried. "Okay," Darnell said, "now imagine you're putting the 100-ton carrier back on the floor." Margaret imagined herself putting the carrier down and letting go of the axle. At that moment the image of the trailer vanished and was replaced by the image of a giant sequoia tree. "This is General Sherman," Darnell said, "the tallest tree in the world. Imagine you're grabbing it at the base of the trunk with both hands and pulling it up as if it were an ordinary garden weed!" Margaret imagined she was grasping General Sherman around the base and pulling it out of the ground by the roots, easily hefting the 10, 000 ton tree and lifting it over one shoulder. She felt as if she could take on the world and win, and so she laughed as she watched the video. "Okay," Darnell said, "imagine you're tossing General Sherman away like an old dandelion!" Margaret imagined she pulled her arm toward her chest, then flung it out, sending the aging tree flying end over end away from her. At that moment, Darnell's face appeared on the screen again. "Congratulations, boyo!" he shouted. "You have completed my treatment. Say good-bye to your old wimpy self and welcome the new powerful you into your life. I'm Darnell Rechards and this has been 'Learn and Grow,' a Dark Cat Production. Keep a song in your heart!" With that his face faded from the screen and the words THE END appeared on a black border that filled the whole screen, after which the usual copyright declaration came on again and then the TV screen turned blue, which was the cue for Margaret to turn off the video. By the time she turned off the VCR and shook off the effect of Darnell's hypnotic voice, it was too late - the treatment had already ta- ken hold and Margaret could see her arms growing larger and hairier. Her once perfectly-fitted dress tore in several places as she grew larger and hairier. Margaret watched in horror as brown fur sprouted from her arms and hands they grew into what she thought were huge, brawny appendages; at the same time, her legs and feet expanded in the same manner and her slim stomach filled out with thick, muscular flesh as she sprouted a long brown tail. Soon tears appeared all over her dress and it fell to the floor in a heap underneath her. Her ears grew longer and fangs sprouted from her mouth. Looking down at her hands, she saw her nails growing into long black claws. Margaret now realized she'd watched a video meant for a man; at the same time, the weird transformation stopped. Taking the video, she tucked it back in its cover; turning to the mirror by the door, she looked at herself and was delighted by what she saw. Thick long hair covered her body and she saw the fangs in her mouth; hopping off the couch, Murgatroyd took one look at his mistress and yowled with horror; realizing she wasn't going to hurt him, he rubbed her leg. Filling a dish with milk, Margaret put it down by his food bowl and watched as he began to drink the milk. Grabbing the metal railing of the stairs leading to the second floor, Margaret tore it from its mount and twisted the railing into a pretzel. Flexing her super- powered muscles, she smiled; bending down, she reached out a huge hand and stroked Murgatroyd's back gently. "The thing to do now, Murgatroyd," she told her cat, "is go out and test my new strength!" Ripping the door from its hinges, Margaret walked out of the house, breathing in the fresh air as she walked out, and closed the screen door behind her. As Margaret walked along the road, she was hit by a 1996 Cadillac and was surprised when the front of the car twisted around her body. Inside the car, a woman stifled a scream as she saw what she had hit. Smashing her fist through the window of the car, Margaret pulled the younger woman out from behind the wheel and put her on the street. "Thank you, thank you," the woman cried, "thank you! What are you?" "Just another concerned citizen!" Margaret said. "Be more careful next time." As Margaret walked up the street, she noticed a rope hanging down from a building and started to pull on it, completely unaware that there was a piano on the other end and that she was lifting it up the side of the building, an apartment complex. When Margaret did see the piano, she thought: "This was where Woody Woodpecker lost his strength in that cartoon - but I still have mine!" Letting go of the rope, she walked away as the piano fell to the ground with a musical ding. At the end of the street, she saw an old elm tree; grabbing it with one hand, she ripped it out of the ground and with a backhand motion of her right arm, tossed it up - up - up into the sky. As she watched it fly over the park, Margaret let out the roar of a wild mountain cat and began walking again. "I think," she said, "I'll see if I can't find Mr. Jonathan Coulton!" Jonathan Coulton closed the door to his own office, walked out through the waiting room into the hall, and locked the main office door with his personal key - a task he'd happily performed every night since his brother Akhenaten Coulton - the other Coulton of Coulton & Coulton - died. Smiling to himself, Coulton walked down the hall to the elevator bay, pushed the DOWN button, then waited for the elevator. Five minutes later, he heard a ding, then the elevator doors opened; he walked into the car and pushed the button marked GROUND FLOOR. As the elevator doors closed Coulton stood still; a few minutes later, the car started to move. When the car came to the ground floor and the doors opened, Coulton walked out of the elevator and stepped primly through the main doors. As he walked toward his car, Coulton thought he saw something brown in a tree - the colour of Margaret's hair. Just as he turned to unlock the driver's side door of his 1998 Ferarri, he was grabbed by a huge brown cre- ature and was horrified when it picked him up in its arms. This creature was definitely female - it had a shapely body and prodigious breasts - but had brown fur and long black claws on its fingers and toes and long pointed ears. Its face resembled that of a woman, but had an extremely catlike nose. Power- ful muscles rippled over every square inch of this creature's body; furthermore, there was an old bronze Woolworth's locket hanging from a chain around the creature's hairy neck - an old locket that looked weird to Coulton since it was quite at odds with the monster's fearsome appearance. Grabbing the old locket even as the creature lifted him up like a baby, Coulton found a button on top and opened it; in the locket was a crumpled up newspaper clipping, a repairman's certificate stating that he'd put a new hinge on the locket, and a picture of a tall older man with very short red hair. Uncrumpling the clipping, Jona- than Coulton realized that it was a wedding announcement; in the picture, the same tall man stood with his arm around a tall, dark-haired woman in a bridal gown; this caption was under the picture: Robert Bruce Culting will be married to Margaret Burnside Margaret Burnside married Robert Bruce Culting . . . so the woman in the picture on the yellow clipping had to be his secretary as a girl, twenty to thirty years ago, just before she wed Bruce. "Margaret?" he asked, astonished. "Is that really you?" To his amazement, the creature smiled at him, revealing long sharp fangs in a wide grin. A long tail dangled from behind her, moving back and forth as she began to speak. "You bet your buns it's me, Coulton! I want to talk some more about getting a new computer for my office. A Macintosh Superplex is my suggestion - it can take all the latest programs!" "There's nothing to talk about, Margaret," Coulton told her, "for I won't allow a computer in my office - I can't stand them and neither could my poor brother Akhenaten. They eat up time which could be put to much more productive use - especially when they're linked to the Internet!" "That's what I thought you'd say, Coulton!" Margaret said. With that, she drew back her arm and threw Coulton up - up - up into the sky and watched as his figure receded into the distance; to this day, Jonathan Coulton has never been seen again. Climbing the side of the building, Margaret soon reached Coulton's office, tore the window open, and climbed in- side. Sitting down at his desk, she pulled open the drawer containing the petty cashbox. Smashing the box open, she counted the money inside: four hundred dollars, enough to buy a decent computer. With a sigh of happiness, Margaret left the office and climbed down the side of the building. Seconds later, she was on the ground again, and decided to pay a visit to Angora's. When she came into the store she saw Mr. Abatwa on the telephone, talking to somebody. Finally he thanked them and hung up. "I'm glad you're here, Mrs. Culting!" he said. "I noticed the name Darnell Rechards on the video and called the police. They told me Rechards was trying to create a Super-Soldier Serum just like the potassium-based one which transformed an ailing boy into Captain America. There was only one difference: knowing the use of human genes was illegal, he used the genes of a mountain lion in his Super-Soldier Serum, then hired Dark Cat Productions to make your video and distributed copies of it to outlets all across the country, each with the same spiel and each coated with the serum on the inside, covered in protective microbubbles that burst at the soft touch of a human finger - at which time it came into the victim's body through the skin. That four-step weight-lifting plan was a phony meant to cover the initial stages of the victim's transformation into a cat creature - a sure way to change someone's life! Rechards has been in prison for years - and some of the cat creatures have been rounded up!" "How would Darnell know how to create a Super-Soldier serum?" Margaret asked. "His father was the assistant to Dr. Erskine, who developed the first Super-Soldier Serum, and the only other man who knew the complete formula - a Frenchman named Egobard Rechards. Rather than keep quiet about the formula, Rechards fled Washington shortly before Erskine's death and wound up here in Illinois, where he married a girl named Linda Darnell years later and had a son - the selfsame Darnell Rechards! Egobard passed down the Super-Soldier formula to his son, Darnell, who attempted to recreate the formula years later. His version does work - but, unfortunately, because he used the fe- line DNA in the serum, anyone who takes it develops feline characteristics as well as the strength. It is also irreversible because the enhanced DNA is now permanently fused into your cells." "Damn!" Margaret said. "Well, at least the young man is now behind bars." She held out her left hand to Abatwa, and he grasped it and shook it firmly. "Thank you for giving me the video," she said, "for it really did change my life!" "You're very welcome," Abatwa said, "for it is my job to be of service!" Purring to herself, Margaret walked the rest of the way home with a proud smile on her face. As soon as she came home, she poured another dish of milk for a very delighted Murgatroyd and lay down on the couch. A happy smile flashed across her face as she stretched, curled up, and relaxed her tense muscles. Looking at the sunset, she smiled and let Murgatroyd hop up on her lap. Smiling as she watched the sun go down, Margaret purred softly, feeling like - well, like a healthy happy cat. THE END