Top Nun
By Punch
Being a tale of religious inpropriety and catfighting nuns.


Or
The sinking of Punch into even lower depths of depravity.


The Convent of Mary Magdalene was not your typical nunnery 

In fact it might be called positively unconventional. 

At M.M. the sisters held to the belief that the comforting of men went 
far beyond the traditional role of the nun; that the soul could never be 
at peace until the necessities of the flesh were satisfied. 

It was because of this small point, that the sisters were excommunicated 
from the church. 

And yet the convent not only survived but also thrived after its 
dismissal from their Roman patronage. 

For, because of this loss of support, the sisters had to generate new 
sources of revenue. 

And, at this, the sisterhood was uniquely qualified. 

All the nuns were from the profession of their namesake before they took 
their vows. 

In the subsequent months they created new means of soliciting donations 
of the more pious members of the community. 

And because they no longer had to pay tribute to deeper pockets the nuns 
had nowhere else to invest the funds than the community and their own 
convent. 

So, with the sisters owning half the town and supporting the other half, 
the civic leaders wisely turned a deaf ear to any moral objection anyone 
had to raise. 

Thus it was for the mission and a better life for both the area and the 
nuns. 

No longer were the appointments of their quarters the drab mundane cells 
of the past.  Once the convent was expanded, silk and satin lined their 
waterbeds in multi-roomed apartments.  The finest silver and china was 
used to serve gourmet foods from the sisters' own restaurant-caterers. 

The old church bus was replaced with a fleet of Rolls and Mercedes. 

And with her large salary, the Reverend Mother was now in a position 
that very few nuns in the past could even consider; Retirement. 
	
But with her retirement came the problem of succession. 

When the time came for her to leave, the selection process was not yet 
complete.  But the field had been narrowed down to two; Sisters Rachel 
and Sarah. 

Between the two, the race was a dead heat. 

Seniority was equal to the hour; each having taken their vows the very 
same day as the convent was chartered.  Both were far and beyond the 
most popular for the morally bankrupt to bear their souls to. 

When a vote was taken, the convent was split equally down the middle the 
pair. 

And so it came to pass that a contest to decide which of the two would 
be the worthy successor to the R.M. 

The time frame was one week. 

Monday, high noon. 

Entering her bedchamber Sarah was greeted by her assistant, Sister Anne, 
who immediately removed her habit.  Naked, except for matching black 
lace panties and bra, Sarah jumped into bed as Anne led the first soul 
to be comforted in. 

The novice then left, as the mayor handed her his city credit card. 

In Rachel's quarters, the nun was pulling the sheriff to her crotchless 
red satin panties by the barrel of his gun. 

In her outer chamber, Sister Teresa was processing the transaction.      

Pressing her lips to the sheriff's, Rachel ministered him on the 
wielding of his weapon by leading it to the path of righteousness.  
Repeating the lesson over and again, until he knew just when he should 
shoot. 

Rachel smiled to herself. 

The sheriff was a good man with a gun. 

Sarah was at that very moment preaching to the mayor of his staff of 
office as well. 

The sister was receiving the leading civic member in earnest 
supplication.  With her oration over and around his portion of civic 
duty, his honor also came to the same secular conclusion.  When her 
service was done, the mayor was only too happy to show his appreciation 
to his favorite charity; charging it to the city account as equipment 
maintenance fees. 

By the end of the afternoon, the entire board of county supervisors, 
city counsel and zoning commission had paid their respects to the pair 
in a similar fashion.  And in return, the area received a plethora of 
consultation fees, environmental impact reports and studies, as well as 
untraceable artifacts of civil purchases. 

And so it was, that the pair were kept busy long into the night with 
every local politician and high ranking civil employee the novices 
Teresa and Anne could fit into the sisters busy schedule. 

The next working day began long before the sun had a chance to rise.  It 
continued along the same lines as the previous one. 

By day's end every public servant down to the animal control officials 
to the sanitation engineers had paid their respects to the sisterhood. 

Midweek found them in the private sector. 

Starting with the high-ranking executives and board members, working 
down to the mailroom.  

But by this time one thing had become painfully obvious to both the nuns 
in question and the entire convent; it was becoming a dead heat.  No 
sooner did one eke out an edge then the other either tied or gained a 
slight advantage. 

As long as each continued to work in the identical way, neither could 
hold on to her own narrow lead.  So Mother necessity became the new 
order of the day, motivating the nuns into bringing local tradesmen into 
play. 

Sarah installed an elevator and sonar activated sliding door.  Rachel 
had an escalator leading to a revolving door added to her chamber. 

Both employed the most sophisticated phone systems available with banks 
of nun operators. 

By Thursday each area rivaled even the most technically efficient 
businesses. 

And still there was no clear-cut leader. 

On Friday the intensity of the competition became palpable, the Sisters 
were shipping in parishioners from outlying area and began advertising 
their personal guidance services in the local media. 

The city officials put their collective toot down on soliciting 
attendance at the local high school. 

Each began working later and later into the night, trying to gain an 
advantage. 

As fatigued nuns worked 'round the clock to hustle up new converts, some 
perceived signs of sabotage.  More than one shoving match, occurred, as 
a nun from either Rachel or Sarah's cadre tried to lead a citizen to the 
right camp.  And the weekend was coming to its inevitable end. 

Sunday evening; 

The sisters were just finishing the last of the repeat customers and 
waiting for the updated score.  Just as the last tributes were entered 
to their accounts, the results quickly came in. 

Dead even, to the penny. 

"I want a full Audit," demanded Rachel, "It would be keeping with her 
character to cheat" 

In her chambers, Sarah made similar accusations, calling in her own 
accounting staff. 

But no mistake, deceptive or otherwise, was found to be uncorrected. 

The tie stood. 

Desperation gripped Sarah.  She gambled everything to win.  To lose now 
would mean she'd be wiped out.  And after the past week there'd be 
little chance of continued employment. 

So the frantic search was on to find anybody willing and able to tip the 
scale one way or the other.  The entire area was scoured as the sisters 
tried desperately to coerce or cajole one member of the populace to 
return for one last session. 

But to no avail; 

It was nearly midnight, and all the possibilities seemed to be as 
exhausted as the nuns.  All but the two had turned in for the night.    

Rising from her divan, Sister Rachel stood, resplendent in her silver 
satin habit.  Tired and disheveled from the last sleepless night, she 
headed purposefully out of her boudoir. 

From another part of the convent, a Sister Sarah in similar condition 
strode toward the same conclusion.  In her purple silk habit she'd 
present a forceful argument for Rachel's submission. 

As each approached the chapel, they sighted the other. 

Their gazes hardened, as each instinctively knew that they both had come 
down for the same deadly purpose. 

They stopped mere inches apart. 
	
As their arms rose to reach for each other the doors to the chapel flung 
open. 

Young Sam Devlin stared at the two startled nuns.  A smile crept onto 
his face as he realized what the two were about to do. 

"Ladies," he offered, "I think I have a solution to all your problems!"  

"Go away, Sam," objected Rachel, 'Sister Sarah and I want to have a 
discussion!" 

"Is that what nuns call it," responded Sam, "Well perhaps you sisters 
wouldn't have to 'discuss' this if I could but purchase some of your 
time." 

"Sam, please," said Sarah, "this is a private 'discussion', and it 
really can't wait.  Besides which, you're not old enough for 
consultation." 

"But that's where you're wrong.  For at this very moment I'm at the age 
of consent!" 

Just then the tolling of the bell tower rang in the new day. 

But just as this crossed their minds, another problem presented itself; 
One Sam. 

But what if there were others? 

Being prepared for this response, Sam spoke up, "No Sisters, there 
aren't any others.  And even if there were you couldn't get them up here 
in time, especially at this hour.  So I'm your only hope." 

Under this realization, their attention once again turned to each other.  
Quickly they whirled, once more facing one another, ready to strike.  
But once again Sam interrupted their 'discussion'. 

"Ladies, please.  If you settle it your way, I wouldn't want to be 
ministered by either of you, after you're finished.  I've a better idea!  
What I have in mind is a different sort of competition," said Sam, as he 
ushered them into the temple. 

"Since I'm the one to cast the deciding ballot, I think it's only right 
that the decision be based on every possible aspect of your ability to 
serve!" 

Saying this, he then pulled both Sarah and Rachel towards him, and all 
three fell onto the altar.  It would be a long session, longer than 
either nun had ever had with one man before. 

And Sam was ready and eager for it.  His young hands reached under their 
robes and found, to his satisfaction, that nothing but the sisters' very 
sheer holy vestments would come between them. 

Sarah planted her cardinal red lips to his as her tongue darted in to 
examine the inner reaches of his mouth, while Rachel whispered psalms of 
affectation into his ear as she bit it. 

As each tried to stroke his pride they discovered the other's hand.  
When Rachel's hand encircled Sam; Sarah tried to pull his attention to 
her. 

Sam ended this by putting Sarah's hand onto his chest, where she 
massaged his St. Christopher. 

He soon found out what the city fathers knew for years; that the 
cloistered world was conducive with the physiology of the nuns and that 
the sisters, with the help of their progressive medical program, were 
indeed superior examples of womanhood.  If not how their creator would 
have intended, than certainly by man. 

He also soon discovered that Rachel was Brown haired and Sarah was a 
blonde. 

Sam had his hands full, literally, as his lesson led him to be both 
spiritual student and referee. 

Matters briefly heated up when Sarah's impatience made her bite the 
other nun's nose, to give her a chance to oralize on keeping his staff 
clean.  When Rachel submitted to Sarah's request she was obviously 
perturbed. 

Rachel protested, forcing Sarah up by her hood.  She quickly seized the 
opportunity in her mouth and greedily plunged in.  Sarah was about to 
retaliate when Sam turned her face to his, then showed his teacher what 
he'd learned. 

And the tutoring continued once again uninterrupted long into the early 
hours of the morning. 

Late morning found the nuns and their charge sleeping peacefully on the 
red carpeted aisle. 

The women on either side of him, cradled in his arms.  The belle tolled 
the nuns slowly from their stupor. 

Once they determined where they were, they suddenly realized what the 
bells meant; 

One hour left to the deadline! 

They immediately began trying to rouse Sam, shaking and slapping him. 

But it was no use... 

He was completely exhausted, both spiritually and physically. 

The only time he came close to being aware, he produced a silver dollar, 
whispering, "Here." The coin slipped from his grasp and onto the carpet, 
as he again fell asleep. 

Shaking him again, the nuns demanded to know which it was meant for.  
But they couldn't bring him around again. 

Then, as Rachel tried to arouse him as she'd done before, Sarah saw her 
chance.  As she slowly pulled away, she looked to see where the coin 
was. 

It was then that Rachel realized that the other nun was not trying to 
wake Sam.  As Sarah reached for the dollar it was swiftly snatched up in 
Rachel's grasp. 

"God damn you, you filthy harlot!" exhorted Sarah.  She then, in a very 
un-nunlike manner, drew her fist back and belted Rachel in the mouth. 

The coin again fell to the carpet as Rachel fell back, blood dripping 
from her mouth. 

Sarah quickly grabbed the recently freed coin. 

But ownership was not to come that easy; Sister Rachel spun her around 
by her shoulder, then smashed her in the nose. 

As Rachel made for the bolted door, she felt something pulling her down. 

It was Sarah.  She first tugged hard on her slippery habit, then 
scratched at Rachel's equally silky inner thigh. 

Rachel screamed then reached under Sarah's hood and pulled at her golden 
hair, dropping the money again.  But it was soon obvious that the coin 
was no longer on the other nun's mind as her hand came up to retaliate 
by pulling on Rachel's tresses. 

The experience from their previous line of work came into play.  
Training each had served and partaken of for the years that each had 
been on the streets.  It also drove them to new heights of endurance and 
new ways of chastisement. 

So, when Rachel partook of the blonde's eyebrow, Sarah gave of her long-
nailed thumb up into Rachel's lower extremity. 

But tradition also proved to be a good teacher as the brown haired nun 
thrust her knee, to drive her point home. 

The sounds the chapel heard that morning were new to its virgin walls.  
The oaths that were sworn were unlike anything pledged there before.  
The noise shook the rafters and would have wakened the departed. 

Certainly it was enough to wake rest of the convent.  Designer slippered 
feet started to pad down the halls. 

As Sister Sarah anointed Rachel with the vessel of holy water, Sister 
Rachel then stuffed a lit prayer candle in the receptacle between 
Sarah's legs. 

The blonde nun screamed her disapproval and plowed red furrows deep into 
Rachel's face and bosom. 

The brown haired woman then swung a blow, hard to her belly.  Sarah 
swung back, struck Rachel in the chest and began a flurry between the 
two. 

Outside the other nuns were trying to get in. 

Though the door was locked from within, Teresa and Anne fought with the 
door and each other to get inside. 

The rest just watched and listened to the mighty struggle for dominance 
of the convent. 

Rachel and Sarah smote each other over and again, each feeling the 
strength ebbing from her rival nun's blows. 

Both knew the end was soon to come. 

Bearing the pain of Rachel's blows, Sarah reached for a tapestry.  
Tearing it down, she threw it over the brown haired nun's head.  She 
then clasped her hands, looked up to pray for strength, and then smote 
her with all her might. 

Sister Rachel went down with a wail, as Sarah reached first for the 
dollar, then the bolt on the door. 

Rachel wrapped her arms around Sarah's inner thigh, trying to retard her 
progress.  But it was no use, as sisters Anne and Teresa came tumbling 
into the room. 

Sarah handed the coin to Anne, then threw her elbow into Rachel's face.  
She then kicked the defeated nun away from her, as Anne raised the coin 
shimmering in the sunlight as the bell tower tolled in the hour of the 
new leader;   

Reverend Mother Sarah. 

Epilog: 

Rachel lay there in semi-consciousness while the others left to 
celebrate the new R.M. 

She became aware of something hardening in the grip or her hand.  

It was little Sam, rising like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. 

Involuntarily her hand began to stroke, until she her a moan. 

Yet it didn't emanate from young Sam. 

It came from Sister Teresa.  Sarah and Anne obviously had little regard 
for propriety, as both must've worked Rachel's novice over. 

Rachel vowed not to forget any trespass and indiscretions Sarah and her 
lot committed against her and her followers as a plan of sweet atonement 
started to form in the mind of the brown-haired nun.  With Teresa's 
help, and whomever they could bring to defect, a new order could rise up 
on the other side of town. 

But that would have to wait until after she tended to the one she was 
determined would be the first reverend in her new order.  A choice she 
was sure would bring violent protest from the new leader of the old 
order. A protest that she'd be better prepared for during her next 
crusade. 

The End