Shaken and scared : Diamonds are Forever re-imagined By Beta Man A re-writing of a scenes that failed to fulfil its' promise. I remember seeing Diamonds are Forever when I was just a teenager. I would instinctively root for Bond. So it came as a shock when Bambi and Thumper fight with him, and clearly get the better of him. I found I was aroused by the power of these women who could beat up James Bond, only to have their victory stolen by the writer creating a false situation to restore the status quo. Of course in a parallel universe it was not resolved quite so neatly. James Bond is looking for a reclusive multi-millionaire Willard Whyte, who has unwittingly got caught up with an evil scheme. Bond finds a small luxury complex in the Nevada desert, he asks CIA agent Felix Leiter to allow him to go in alone. "I'm on Her Majesty's Schecret Schervice", Bond slurs. "Have you been drinking James?", asks Leiter. "Schame joke every time", Bond says rolling his eyes. He has his light jacket draped over his shoulder and is dressed for the sun. Bond approaches the luxurious quarters. He is alert and vigilant as he enters, but somehow misses a beautiful black woman, in a yellow bikini, lying languidly on an outcrop of the wall. Instead his attention is caught by an athletic young woman who spins around in a chair, before slowly cartwheeling into position and introducing herself, "I'm Bambi", she has a fresh faced look that speaks of fitness and a healthy lifestyle. She adopts a gymnastic stance At this point the lithe black woman climbs down and introduces herself as Thumper. She slinks over and stands provocatively in front of Bond, to whom she's looking like a good time. Bond however, remembering his task asks after Whyte. "Oh, Willie, he's right over there" says Thumper, pointing beyond Bambi. "And that's all there is to it?", asks Bond. "Not quite", says Thumper, draping her arms round Bond, "first, we're going to have a ball", and with that she knees Bond in the balls. He drops to the floor. "All yours Bambi", says Thumper, now leaning in the doorframe. Bambi handsprings across the floor towards Bond, before delivering a flying kick to his chest, he falls backwards and sprawls at Thumper's feet. Bambi smiles and looks at him pityingly. Thumper grabs him and throws him towards Bambi, who uses his momentum, to throw him over her hip. He lands awkwardly in the middle of the room. Thumper cartwheels to the opposite side of the room, "You're on again Bambi", she calls. Bond turns and ducks when he sees Bambi leap in to the air, but she catches a trapeze bar hanging from the ceiling. Thumper takes this opportunity to rush Bond and aim a kick at him, but he manages to deflect her and she crashes into a coffee table. Bambi however uses that distraction to deliver a two footed hefty kick to Bond's head. He crashes to the floor, where Thumper picks him up and throws him in Bambi's direction, a disorientated Bond does not expect Bambi to trap him in a headscissors between her thighs. Thumper feigns kicking Bond and does a provocative splits in front of him. She slowly rises and watches Bond being squeezed. Bambi holds Bond in place waiting for Thumper to strike, which she does with a flying kick to the chest. Bond tumbles backwards, and for the first time the two women stalk Bond together, they approach ruthlessly and synchronise flying kicks that have Bond sprawling backwards on to the floor. "Should we throw him in the pool?", asks Thumper. "No, he's wet enough already, we should be a little more creative", says Bambi. Thumper smiles enthusiastically. "Two against one hardly scheems fair", says Bond, lying at their feet. Bambi pulls him up to a kneeling position just in time for Thumper to roundhouse kick him square across the jaw. He spins and falls. "You make a good point James, but when have you, or your government, been overly concerned with fairness?", asks Thumper. "Is this a fight or a history lesschon?", asks Bond. "It doesn't feel like much of a fight. Bambi you're back on", says Thumper kicking Bond, who rolls on to his back wary of Bambi's aerial acrobatics. Instead she walks over to where Bond is lying on the floor, and performs a handstand above him, which she then allows to topple on to Bond's prone body". "You make a great crash mat", Bambi says, as she locks Bond in an excruciating grapevine. Bond shrieks as Bambi's thighs prise his own legs apart and starts tearing him in half. She then lifts herself up and shimmies her raised body over his chest, before performing the splits over Bond's neck, wherevshe then proceeds to bounce, both aggressively and provocatively, on his face. Bond tries to shift Bambi but is distracted by the sensation that his trousers are being taken off. He catches sight of Thumper hurling them in to the pool, but Bambi's ample behind is now smothering the lower half of his face, and he can't protest. "My, Mr Bond, you seem to be at full salute. Is this turning you on', asks Thumper. Bond, outraged, offers muffled dissent, but he now feels Thumper reach down and rip open his shirt. "My turn', says Thumper, and Bambi bounces one last time on Bond's face before springing to her feet and walking away. Even in his delicate state he still gives a long leering look at Bambi's ass. He turns to see Thumper standing over him. "Really Mr Bond? She's half your age, and an Olympic standard gymnast. She would break you in half ", laughs Thumper, "you really do need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. You're a middle aged man who's out of shape, and out of time". Bond struggles to his feet, only to have Thumper bitch slap him. He looks stunned, and is not expecting the second slap that comes his way. He throws a punch but she catches his fist in her hand and looks pityingly at him, before starting to crush his hand, she then sends a solid hook into his stomach. He folds over, but is sent back upright by a knee to his face. Once upright, he finds himself toppling backwards, only to be caught once more between the thighs of Bambi who has again perched on the ceiling trapeze bar. This time however she lifts him up off the floor and Bond finds himself jerking in mid air, and gripping on to her thighs to stop himself being choked. While there he feels Thumper pull off his underwear and throw them too into the pool. Bond is now naked, and dangling between Bambi's thighs as she holds him in mid-air. He believes things cant get any worse, but then he hears the distinctive crack of a bull whip. "Chrischt, no Thumper have some Merschy!", Bond yells, but the next crack of the whip co-incides with a stinging pain across his once proud buttocks. He screams throughout the nine more strokes administered by Thumper. Bambi drops his now limp body on to the ground, and he tries to crawl away as quick as he can on all fours, but Bambi straddles him across his shoulders. She pulls his head once more between her thighs and squeezes again. At this point, Bond would have abandoned whatever allegiance he had, just to have the pain stop, but the women were having too much fun. Bambi lets him fall to the floor, where Thumper stamps upon him. Bond flinches and cowers as she then picks him up, only to throw him over her hip and have him crash down again. Bond lying on his back, tries to move away from Thumper, "Why James, are you both shaken and scared?" she asks. She repeats the throw three more times, until he is exhausted and trying to crawl away. He's never failed to find a last minute reprieve before, but he knows he offers no real threat to the two stunning women who are just playing with his sorry ass. They circle him slowly, appraising his naked vulnerability. He is trembling, scared and anticipating their next attack. It's Bambi's turn, and she drags him up by his hair, only to have him fall from her grasp, as she's left holding Bond's wig in her hand. Both women start to laugh at Bond, who tries desperately to retrieve the hairpiece from his prone position on the floor. It was Thumper who thought they should wrap it up, in case back up might be coming for Bond. She stands him up and bitch slaps him so hard he spins around and is facing Bambi, who slaps him back to Thumper, this slapping rally continues back and forth, bringing Bond to tears. The two women exchange a look and smile. One last slap from Thumper finds Bond only upright because he is leaning on Bambi. She grabs Bond firmly by his manhood with her left hand and lifts him up on to her shoulder Bond tries standing on his tip toes , but once airborne he screams like he has never screamed before before finally passing out. Bambi drops him to the floor and they immediately set about their final tasks, Thumper with some rope, Bambi with her make up box. Two minutes later Felix bursts into the building with his CIA colleagues. They look on in amazement as there, hog-tied, naked, bald and wearing smeared make-up, was the British Secret Service's finest agent. On what had become his final, failed mission. Of course because Bond failed in his mission, Blofield was able to use his space guided laser to destroy Washington DC, so it turned out to be a happy ending after all.