Beatdown, part 2: I just can't stay away.
By bye


Since waking up on the men's room floor I had been struggling with a kind of 
humiliation I had never felt before so that it took me weeks before I even looked 
into what she had been up to these past years isn't surprising. But even though I 
was consumed with feelings of inferiority and embarrassment, before long I 
nevertheless found myself on the Internet searching out more information on 
Jackie.

Before sneaking off to see her competition, I had found very little online about my 
ex. I knew she had married and I learned she was "bodybuilding," as my cousin 
put it, but didn't know to what extent she had built her body. It was only at her 
competition that I discovered her new married name and after gathering the 
strength to overcome my humiliation, Googling the name Jackie Sagny not only 
opened up my eyes to the woman she had become but made me quickly realize 
that if I had known her new name before I went to spy on her, I would have 
known better what could have happened to me had I been caught.

Whereas before sneaking off to catch a glimpse of her I had only an old Linkedin 
profile, what I came across now that I searched on her married name was a 
social media footprint far beyond what I could have imagined. A Facebook fan 
page and Instagram account, each with thousands of followers, contained both 
competition and candid photos that went back years and showed the progression 
she had in building her physique, growing from slender and petite to the kind of 
thick, muscular build that she showed off that day on stage. That I missed this 
was understandable ? I wasn't paying much attention to her since our break up ? 
but that her development was displayed in such a public manner was almost as 
embarrassing as getting choked out that fateful night. Not only had I not known 
about her new passion, but that my ex-girlfriend had even become a minor 
celebrity in this new world of hers made my mistake feel doubly stupid. But as 
hard a time I had in accepting all of this, as unable I was in forgetting her 
dominance of me, still I couldn't turn away. And it was when I received an email 
from my cousin's wife Sarah, with a subject line that read "apology" that all of my 
emotions got even further twisted up.

It took me days before I even opened the email. The last thing I wanted to do 
was to apologize to my ex for sneaking in to her competition, let alone 
masturbating over the thought of her in a public place. Sure, she jumped me, but 
maybe I deserved that. But apologize?? Hadn't I been through enough?

But just like my Google search, eventually my curiosity got the better of me. But 
when and I opened up the email to my surprise, it wasn't a request for an 
apology. Instead it was Sarah asking if it was okay to give Jackie my contact 
information. It turned out she wanted to apologize to me. As much as I wanted to 
avoid this situation, there was a big part of me that was excited to possibly see 
Jackie's new figure in the flesh again and when she said she had felt terrible and 
wanted to apologize for hurting me face to face, I agreed to meet up for a coffee 
near her work. 

It was on a Thursday night that I went to the coffee shop to meet her. Getting 
there early, I waited, coffee in hand. Not sure what to expect, I simultaneously 
perked up and felt sick to my stomach as I saw Jackie approaching, walking on 
the sidewalk outside. As she entered into the coffee shop, wrapped in a wool 
coat and dressed for work in a blouse and tailored dress pants, it would probably 
be impossible for just about anyone in the place to really understand the kind of 
body that existed under her clothes. It was remarkable that outside of the thick 
muscles evident in her neck, she looked almost like any normal woman.

Stepping over to our table, in her heels she was actually about an inch taller than 
me, although when I stood and shook her hand ? no hug this time ? she might 
has well have been ten feet taller. She radiated power and authority and even 
though she was warmhearted and as sweet as ever, it was obvious she knew it. 
This discrepancy only became more noticeable when she peeled off her coat and 
I got an up close look to how wide her shoulders now actually were. Not only was 
she looking down at me, standing face to face showed me just how much wider 
across she was than me she was as well. As I stared at the thin material of her 
blouse pulling tight around her shoulders, she placed her coat on the seat in front 
of me and asked if I wanted anything. I shook my head and watched as she 
walked to the barista to place her order.

As she passed, leaving a blast of sweet perfume in her wake I couldn't help but 
follow her with my eyes. Even though her pant legs were wide ? clearly to avoid 
any kind of tight fit on her thick thighs - they tapered up though the waist to pull 
against her ass.

And Jesus. What an ass.

I looked around the coffee shop to see if anyone was watching me watch her, but 
what became clear was that everyone there ? all the guys at least and even 
some of the girls ? weren't focused on me. They were focused on her. If she 
looked unremarkable in her coat, now having unwrapped what was beneath it, it 
was obvious to just about anyone who paid even the smallest attention that her 
build was beyond that of an average woman. 

Knowing I wasn't the only one impressed, I turned back to Jackie's ass. I couldn't 
help it. She was remarkable. It was narrow but round, jutting out against the wool 
pant that struggled to contain it. Moving my eyes up I noticed just how small her 
waist seemed. Since her competition I had studied all her pictures but there was 
something about the way that her posing and competition pictures were framed 
that just didn't quite show the kind of size and width of her upper back ? now 
pressing against a blouse struggling to keep it all in ? was in comparison to her 
waist. It was ridiculous.

I continued to stare, still trying to get some semblance of her incredible 
proportions as she grabbed her coffee. In fact, she must have caught me staring 
for when she turned around; the look on my face was enough to make her 
appear a bit defensive. It was almost as if she was expecting me to be impressed 
but yet tired of the kind of impression, as remarkable as it is, she gives.

As she sat down in the seat next to her coat, I caught the faint outline of her 
upper pec poking through the buttons in her blouse. "Alex," she began, her voice 
bringing my head up to hers, staring now for the first time into her brown eyes, "I 
just wanted to say how sorry I was for what happened."

God she was hot. And so was I. My face again flush from some mixture of 
embarrassment and awe.

"No, it's okay. I should be the one to apologize. I never meant for any of it to 
happen. I just wanted to see you."

This last part, while kind of true, must have caught her by surprise because her 
face softened a bit. Seeing an opening, I thought I should play with it a bit.

"You know, I had heard about what you were doing and well, to be honest, I was 
really proud of you. And I just, well, you know... I couldn't just phone you up to 
say I wanted to be there with Rob and Sarah to support you, I... well, I'm just 
sorry."

"I'm not sorry you came, that was sweet. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Oh," I countered. And then I lied: "You didn't hurt me." But Jackie must not have 
been listening because she continued on. 

"It's just that I know that you're not really the kind of guy that could have been 
prepared for that and I saw Stuart and I thought that if you went after him that 
you'd get hurt worse..."

"I would have been okay..."

"...And well, I didn't really know what else to do. And I've been feeling sick about 
it ever since."

I smiled. Nodded. "Apology accepted."

With that Jackie exhaled, seemingly like a giant weight had been lifted off her 
back, although it seemed like whatever the amount of weight, she could have 
handled it. 

As she eased back into her chair I joked, "You're just lucky that you caught me 
by surprise!"

"What?"

"I mean, you caught me by surprise."

"I know but what do you mean by lucky?"

"You know..."

"No, I don't. What would you do?" Once again I caught myself. No longer was I 
looking her in the eye. I was focused on her neck and two veins that were bulging 
along the side. 

"Tell me Alex, what would you do?"

I had no answer but although I knew, or at least thought that things would have 
been different, Jackie wasn't having any of it. She sat there, her lean body 
tensed, the outlines of her intimidating upper body evident through the sheer 
blouse.

"Do you think that things would have ended differently? Is that what you're 
saying? I came here hoping to make you feel better, make you feel okay about 
what happened and you still think it would have happened differently?"

"What?"

"Rob called me after it all went down. He said he thought you were ashamed and 
I thought maybe doing this would help you get over this. But do you actually think 
you could have handled it differently?"

"Um..."

As I thought about an answer, clearly uncertain it would have ended any 
differently, Jackie stood up, put her hands on the table between us, and loomed 
over me and my coffee.

"I am stronger than you are. Faster. I know what I'm doing. I could kick your ass 
any day of the week."

I back-pedaled. "Jack, I didn't mean it..."

That's when she smiled, started laughing, and stood up straight and loose before 
falling back in her chair.

"I was just kidding! Jeez!! You choke a guy out and then he gets all soft."

I laughed. Or at least I think that I laughed, I can't remember. Not only did I find 
none of this funny, I couldn't really figure out what was going on. I was in a bit of 
a haze for it was that moment I realized I was actually scared of my ex-girlfriend. 
A girl five or six years ago I could pick up and carry to bed could now intimidate 
me more than anyone ever had.

"You know what though? You are right. I did have an unfair advantage; I did 
catch you off guard. But I am right too. I am way stronger than you are."

"We sure about that?" I asked.

Jackie looked at me with a smile, which I think was a way to mask her disdain. 
"You're joking again, right? I felt you try and get out of that hold. Trust me, I'm 
stronger than you. But if you ever think you want to find out, you have my 
number."

"You're right, I do have your number."

"Although, if I were to give you another chance, would it make you feel better?"

"Excuse me?"

"What Rob was saying was that you were ashamed. What if I give you a chance 
to actually know whether or not you could have done something differently?"

Looking at Jackie, that disdainful little smile again creeping across her face, I 
knew that she realized I was scared of her. 

"What if I promise not to hurt you?"

I knew if I were to ever get beyond my feelings of humiliation I couldn't just let her 
verbally push me around.

"You can't hurt me," I replied. 

"That's too bad. I was kind of looking forward to it."

But again Jackie laughed this off. Was this a joke or her idea of some kind of 
game? All I knew is that as much as I would have loved to feel her body up 
against mine, get a sense of just how powerful she might actually be ? could she 
hurt me as easily as she seemed to think? ? I couldn't bring myself to even 
consider taking up her offer. If she did in fact manage to hurt me, I knew that I 
would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again. This was a lose-lose 
proposition. I was scared and what's worse, she knew it.

"Okay, maybe," I teased, trying to act tough. And then, just as quickly as she 
brought all of this up, she shifted gears. We talked about work, family, old friends 
and our general past together. Gone was the woman I was scared of, replaced 
by the girl I used to love.

Our coffees finished, our conversation wrapped up, we each stood, my earlier 
mistake at her competition seemingly water under the bridge.

Readying to step outside she buttoned up her coat, then extended her arms for a 
hug. And wanting more than anything to touch her, I went in to grab her.

As I wrapped my arms around her ? I felt like I couldn't get them all the way 
around her ? suddenly I felt her crushing me into her. The air came out of my 
lungs and I started to panic. I tried to get out of the bear hug, but there was no 
use. As she claimed, she was so much stronger than I was. 

So I gave in. Which is when I heard her whisper, "It was lovely seeing you. You 
really think that you can make it end differently, give me a call sometime."

And with that she let me loose, turned and left the shop. And me and every other 
guy watched her ass as it walked out the door.