I want a Yoga Butt 




I made up my mind. I would commit to one year of yoga practice. I was out of
shape at 5'5 170lbs. It would be hard. There would be women there who were a
lot more fit than me. Women who had years of experience and great bodies to
show for it. I knew they would stare at me and wonder "Who's the new girl?
Who's the fat girl? Does she realize this class is for fit girls, the
suffering she is about to endure?" That's what I wanted. I wanted to put my
out-of-shape chubby self in a room full of fit yoga women and attempt to do
what they did. Exactly because I knew I would fail. I wanted to see it and
believed I'd come back. I wanted that motivation. You have to start somewhere.
Do it that first time and then do it over and over. Every time I would get
stronger. Every time. I would change my diet. I would no longer eat like a fat
girl. I'd use food for energy, not for comfort. Yoga would be a tool to
condition my body.

The studio I joined was nice but expensive. It offered the hot style, and
that's what I wanted. I wanted to sweat. I purchased an unlimited one-year
membership for $900. I had no excuses not to go as often as possible after
spending all the money. The studio offered a variety of classes. Hot Yoga.
Power yoga. Slow yoga. Hot vinyasa yoga. Many others. My choice classes were
the ones that promised a tough workout. The classes that were filled with the
most beautiful and fit bodies. That's what I wanted. A beautiful and fit body.
A deadly body. 'Don't mess with me. See my toned arms. See my shapely legs.
Think you can punch through these abs of steel? I'm a warrior." I did not want
to ever fear going up to a guy in a bar for being fat. I did not want to fear
being in a room full of fitter women than me.

Is this shallow? Maybe. It's not all about being better than others. It's not
mostly about that even. I want to do it for myself. Can I commit to it and
stick with it? If I can put my body through that kind of challenge, I expect
not only physical but also mental and spiritual benefits. That's what it's
mostly about. Knowing that I was about to do something I'd never done before,
that would be a challenge. I would fail over and over again, but it would
offer a lifetime of benefits and never ending challenge. Maybe it was
self-torture, surrounding my out-of-shape self with butt-kicking yoga
warriors, but that was the motivation I wanted. Every time I thought I could
go no further, I could look around me and be motivated.

"Hot power yoga. Which instructor should I take?"

"Well if you're new I suggest you start out with an introductory class ... "

"No. I want the most difficult classes. What ones are popular?"

She eyeballed me up and down and was in disbelief.

"Go to Saturday morning 9AM. Its 'Hot Power Yoga II." Its Chelsea. Its 96
degrees. 90 minutes. You'll love it. " She smiled.

"Reserve me a spot."

I arrive early and am pumped. I am so ready for this. I go into the class
early to acclimate myself to the heat in the room. Slowly the studio fills up.
Mostly women but a few men. Gorgeous, strong men. So wonderful to have the men
here. I think it makes it a little easier. Solely women in this class would be
intimidating. The men will be stronger in a lot of ways I think, probably
weaker in others, and I think that takes pressure off. The women are mostly in
great shape. Some of them look like they belong in a Hollywood action film. A
few of them have the exact look I want and I decide I put my mat down beside
one of them. They've done this for years. They all wear the cutest outfits,
but those outfits do not hide their deadly bodies. That's what I want. The
instructor comes in. No surprise, but she looks great. If I'm going to do
this, I want someone who I respect and partially fear. That's the discipline I
need. If it was someone that looked like me leading, then I might not be so
motivated. Not to say people with different body types like mine can't teach,
but just not this class. I'm not the only fat girl in the class. There are
several others. We're spread out.

We start out on our backs just breathing. "This is hot power yoga II. If you
are here and you are new to yoga I won't say you've made a mistake, only you
need to go easy on yourself today. Feel yourself. Feel. Forget about all the
negative thoughts you experience." Impossible. "Everyone is challenged in this
class. That is my job as your instructor. I want to challenge every one of you
physically. What happens mentally and spiritually is the result of the
physical challenge. You can't totally control what I do to you physically, you
may need to take a break and that's fine. I encourage each of you to focus on
disciplining your mind. Let your breathing be the tool that centers your mind
as you begin to experience discomfort. For now let any negative thoughts you
are holding on to drift away. Be here now." Too much excitement for my first
time; it's impossible to let anything drift away.

After a few minutes of meditation we come on to our hands and knees and then
into downward dog. I don't care how I look at this point. I'm trying to do the
pose. I've studied yoga in books and online videos before I've come to class
and so I know what to do, but I can't do it yet. It's difficult. I look around
the room. It's not to compare myself. It's not to compare myself. It's
inspiration. I know I have a long way to go. I'm not in the right form, and my
heels are supposed to touch the ground, I know that from the videos, but I
can't do that. Not yet. Some of the others are making it look easy. Most of
them make this look easy. I ought not look around because I'm only making it
harder.

"Focus on your breath. We want nice, long breaths. Nice long inhale through
the nose ... Nice long exhale through the nose. Cushion your feet up and down;
bend your knees. Get out all that tightness in these first downward dogs."
Chelsea is wearing Capri style pants and walking slowly around the room. She
is talking so smoothly. She's talking about breathing. It's not the breathing
I have a problem with right now but my arm strength. "Three more yogi
breaths." There's nothing yogi about my breath. I must preserve my strength
for the rest of the 90 minutes! I come out of the pose. Not sweating yet. Not
breathing heavy. It's just my arms and shoulders are tight. Plus I'm 170 lbs.
Even if I'm stronger than these girls I'm still carrying more weight, a lot
more.

"Come out of downward dog into high plank. Just hold it here for a few
breaths. Remember nice and easy deep breathing. Rock forward and back if you
like, limbering up the shoulder muscles." This is hard. I weigh a lot. Too
much. I'm shaking. I'm breathing heavier. The first beads of sweat form on my
body. It's on my forehead. It's dripping into my eye. It's annoying.

"Exhale slowly and make your way down to rest on your chest." Finally! Rest.
We're only five minutes into this practice and I need rest. I have an excuse
not to look around the room. Just relax.

"Put your hands underneath your shoulders and gently press up. We don't need a
full lift, just enough to get your shoulders off the ground. Remember to keep
the hips and legs grounded. Breathe." Upward dog. I got this. It lasts for one
breath.

"Come back up into your downward dog pose. We're going to hold this for five
breaths." God. More torture. Look at the girl in front of me. Her heels touch
the ground. Her arms are straight. She has forearm muscles! Beautiful, lean,
muscly, arms. God! Stop looking around. I want that down-dog. "Evenly
distribute that weight between your hands and feet ... breath." How can I
evenly distribute? I can't get my heels down. I'm mostly on my arms. My
jiggly, large arms holding all 170 lbs of me.

"Moving with the breath come into high plank. Hold it here for a full breath.
Slowly lower down until your elbows are bent 90 degrees, and hold it.
Chatturanga ... Hold it for a full breath. Now push up into upward dog,
remembering to breathe on the inhale." Impossible, even if I wasn't fat.
"Exhale and go or flow back into downward dog. Remember to breathe through the
nose. In and out. Deep breaths."

"Raise your right leg high into the sky. This is down-dog split. Point those
tows towards the wall. Breathe deeply. Hold that leg up for five breaths. I
want you to keep your breath deep. On the inhale think about filling up every
inch of space in your lungs with your full breathe. Breathe into your lower
belly, then into your chest, and then into the throat and neck area, expanding
that area. Use all your internal strength to expand your body so that you can
soak it completely with air. On the exhale focus on lengthening and extending
that right leg. As you empty your body of air and your core begins to
constrict focus on using all your lower core muscles and really clenching
those internal muscles around your pelvic region and at the same time staying
long and stretched out." My down dog is completely busted and my fat butt
can't clinch tight enough to lift my heavy leg up. Maybe if I had a yoga butt.
I can't look around or else I will fall out of the pose. "Make every inch
count!" It is easier to not make every inch count. I have no technique and I
can't breathe like this so I come down on to my knees. Can't bring myself to
look around. Only to think about what I will do next time.

"Bring your right foot in between your hands and rise to Warrior I. We're
going to hold it here for five breaths. Deep full breaths. The longer you can
make each inhale and exhale the better. Think about extending your hips even
to face the mirror. Bring your palms together overhead if you can. Press your
palms together and extend them up straight and high, really focusing on
expanding out from the core. Use your shoulder strength to press your palms
together while in Warrior I. Keep the back edge of that back foot firmly
pressed to the floor. Bend that front knee to 90 degrees if you can. Let each
breath fill up your body completely. I know its tough to keep those palms
pressed together. Remember to engage not only your shoulder muscles but all
your core muscles. Deep breaths. Soak all those muscles in rich inhalations."
I'm mouth breathing, short and shallow. My palms are definitely not pressed
together straight over my head. I can barely lift my arms past my ears. I
shake all over as my cottage cheese leg struggles to hold up 170 lbs in this
suffocating heat.

Look at all the little warriors. So proud of themselves. Look at them. Perfect
bodies. Perfect muscles. I hate them. I want that so bad. Why does the girl
next to me not breath harder? Why is it she has six pack abs, and yet her
breathing is easy? All those muscles seem like breathing would be constricted,
but its not. I can see her lower belly fill with air on her breath. The air
that feeds her. How does she press her palms together so tight? Look at her
back and shoulders. Look at her butt. Chelsea the instructor comes behind me
and makes adjustments. I take my focus off the other girls and look to the
mirror. Chelsea puts her palm on my soft, quivering belly and she tells me to
breathe deeply. I try but I can't and I totally lose the pose. Shit!

"Come into Warrior II." This seems easier, except its not. My leg was never
bent 90 degrees in the first Warrior. My leg is almost straight now. I don't
have the strength to go down further. The girl next to me is bent 90 degrees.
She is strong enough. Her arms are fully extended. Toned and gorgeous. Look at
her legs. How does she she get to that point? Everything is stronger. I want
to punch her. I want to punch her in the gut. 'Take that bitch. Oh, it did not
hurt? You have a warrior body? You are stronger than me? Take another! Feel
the wrath of the fat girl!' If I can hurt her in her belly she can't breathe.
I want to see that. How many punches would it take? Could I even do it? She is
very fit. She could definitely hurt me. I can barely breathe as it is. I'm
soft and not conditioned to take those deep breaths. One punch from her and
I'd be sucking air. My fat ass would go down and she'd probably pose for the
class. Is that my motivation for this? Wanting to be like her and not like me?
I can't stand myself. I can't breathe. I hate these girls. Fuck them for being
fitter than me. Fuck them that they can hurt me. Fuck them for making me come
here and acknowledge that.

"Go into relaxed warrior. Let that left hand drop down beside your thigh. Lift
and extend through your right hand. Remember to use your inhale as an
opportunity to fill up your body with oxygen. Feed yourself this air. Let your
exhales be opportunities to really stretch it out. Come back into Warrior II.
Hold it for a full breath. Now keeping the knees bent I want you to lower your
right hand to rest on your right thigh. If you are feeling especially powerful
let it hang down by your right calve or rest your palm on the floor. Extend
your left arm over your head toward the mirror. Breath deeply. If you are
especially strong lift that other hand off the floor and bring it to meet the
one extended toward the mirror. Expand your core on the inhale and reach for
the mirror on the exhale. Bring both hands down to the mat. Now kick your
right leg back up into down dog split. Hold. Hold and breathe deeply, five
breaths. "

So this is the secret to getting my yoga butt. Keeping a V shaped downward dog
and reaching my other leg high into the sky in a split? Pulsing it higher even
as I clinch myself and my lower abs on my exhale. I'm not there and not close.
I have no V shape. I'm mostly distributing weight on my hands. My hands are
slipping and even if I had the strength and flexibility to go for that V-shape
my hands would probably slip out from underneath me and cause me to face-plant
into my mat. My raised leg is maybe 1ft off the mat. I can't breathe through
my nose. I can barely breathe through my mouth. Cottage cheese me surrounded
by warriors working their yoga butts to perfection. What is this cruel
torture? Is this what is required to look like them? Why do I want that again?
Do I really want it? I don't want to look like them. I want to look like me.

"Come into high plank. Either keep your right leg raised as high as you can or
lower it to the floor. Now on the exhale lower slowly until those elbows are
bent 90 degrees. Chatturanga. Raise yourself back up on the inhale into high
plank. Lower back down into chatturanga on the exhale; raise yourself up on
the inhale. Keep that leg raised if you can, clinch your sitting muscle tight
to keep it steady and use that tightening contraction in your belly and pelvic
region to really press that leg away from you. On the inhale relax those
muscle but try to keep the leg steady. Everything is timed with the breath.
Chatturanga pushup ... Press up into high plank. If you are new to the
practice or you are not strong enough take a modification and rest your knees
on the floor. We're going to repeat this for a few more breaths."

Cruel instructor. Obviously I'm on my knees. She is doing this to test us.
It's the fourth cycle of this leg raised, yoga butt clinched, chatturanga
pushup and now only about half of the bodies in the room are moving. The rest
have collapsed. "Breathe evenly. Its not a competition." Yeah right. Tell that
to the yoga warrior beside me. She is competing with the girl in front of her.
Even the men in the class are shaking. The two girls next to me keep going and
it's a battle. The teacher is watching them, and so are some of the others..
They both look so strong and fit. The count is up to seven now! "Come down
into low chatturanga and hold it. Hold it and breath deeply." After all those
pushups it's reduced to this. Low chatturanga with right leg raised as high as
it can go. Who will go down first? Girl in front collapses. Girl next to me
then falls. Congratulations cottage cheese me. You are officially next to the
two most badass chicks in the room.

"Did everyone enjoy watching that? A nice break for the rest of us! Its OK to
watch. But watch for the right reasons. Come into down dog. We're going to
hold it here for five breaths."

"Walk or jump your feet up to your hands. Let those backs bend and just shake
it out. Hold your opposite elbows if you like. Slowly let your breath take you
up into standing position. Raise your hands above your head and bring your
palms together and breathe deeply. Preparing to flow now on the other side. "

Great. That's one side. It took about 20 minutes. I'm drenched in sweat.
Quivering in my arms and legs. My breathing is short. I look over at the
warrior next to me. Beautiful face. Beautiful strong body. Completely
recovered her breath from last set of poses

I collapse halfway through the next down-dog series, just at the point where
the instructor had us raise our left legs, high, high, into the sky into down
dog split. What was the point since mine would not go any higher than my fat
butt and I could not breath and was slipping all over the place? I'm able to
at least admire some of those bodies around me. I don't hate them. I don't
hate them. I hate it that they already have what I desire. I know what it will
take this next year to get there.

"Come into forearm plank. If you want this to be a little easier then you can
come into high plank. If you really want a modification rest your knees on the
floor. While in plank bring your right knee in to touch your right arm on the
exhale. Squeeze all those muscles in your lower belly pelvic region and
squeeze out all that air and press your knee against your forearm. Extend your
leg back while keeping it raised on the inhale. Really squeeze your butt and
try to lift that right foot high on the full inhale and then as you exhale
lower that right foot slowly. Squeeze out all that breath and lower that leg
slowly. On the next inhale raise that left foot high really squeezing it for
the full inhale. On the exhale bring your left knee in to touch your left arm.
Tighten your core and pelvic region and really squeeze out all that air as you
try to press that knee against your arm. Do as many as you like. Keep your
movement in tune with your breath."

I'm in high plank, not on my forearms, and I manage one of these on each side.
My knees never reach my arms. I collapse into sit position and watch the show.
Half of the people are on their forearms, the others are in high plank. Of
course the warrior next to me is on her forearms. I love listening to her
breath. It's Like ocean current. Always through her nose. Watching her move is
inspiring. Her muscles seem to dance as she moves through these poses. She is
so strong! I want to arm-wrestle her. I want the challenge. I want to watch
her arms come alive with tensile strength and experience that strength as I
try to win. I want to watch my flabby arm work and shake and be slowly pressed
down by her. She is attractive to me. I want to know that what she has is
really worth it. I want to test her. We can't arm-wrestle though. We won't
fight, nor should we. We will however be in this class together. How do we
endure the suffering? How do we respond? Do I believe she is stronger? Yes. I
will get there. I want to be a warrior.

"I know many of you are not strong enough to hold these poses. I know many of
you are new to yoga. Trust me when I tell you that Yoga is a discipline. It is
discipline for the mind and for the body. Some Yoga focuses on the mind. Some
focuses on the body. For me yoga is a complete discipline. We make the body do
difficult work. My job is to push you to do that work. Your fellow students
also push you to do the work. Everyone pushes themselves to the point of
failure. At the moment when we don't think we can go any further, we focus on
the breath, block out the suffering, and that is how we develop and discipline
our minds."

The knee to arm forearm planks are still going. Its been going on the better
part of two minutes. Most of the people have collapsed. One of the guys is
still going but his form is not as elegant as the girls. The breathing is deep
and loud. Even the girl next to me is starting to shake. When she inhales her
leg out into plank, her body is more relaxed. It's taut. It's beautiful. On
the exhale when she brings her knees in to touch her arms, that's when she
shakes. That's when I know she is working. Suffer bitch. Suffer your hot self.
Work it to failure. Exhale every ounce of air. Squeeze those muscles and
breath it all out. All of it. Tighter. Suffer.

"We work our bodies and we focus our minds at the same time. Yes it's
physically difficult. Focus on your breath. Block out the discomfort by
focusing on your breath and clearing your mind of everything else. This is the
discipline of peace of the mind."

The instructor is determined to not let anyone out of this pose. Everyone will
work until failure. So many beautiful bodies. One by one they collapse into
their mats. Bodies shaking with exhaustion. Deep and loud breathing. The
warrior next to me will not beat her competition in front of her this time.
The instructor relishes this. Push them all to failure. Push the one next to
me to failure. Make her work for it. Yes. Finally she collapses. Her 125 lb
killer body pressed as hard as it can be pressed. Forearm plank raised leg,
knee to arm. It was like 3 minutes at least. That's what it took to wear her
out. That is what I want.

There is a tension. The dark side is the competition among us. Yoga is not
violent. Yoga shuns violence. Yoga is opposed to violence. However yoga can be
an intensely physical practice that builds a body capable of inflicting
violence. The girls in the class have different body types and experience. The
girl next to me is a true warrior. Her body is an instrument disciplined by
years of practice and capable of deadly violence. Her mind is strong. She
could hurt me. In this hot stinky room, full of Lululemon clad warriors I see
in the mirror my own fat self. Chubby arms and neck. Big legs and soft gut. My
face is red and I'm breathing shallow and fast and no longer moving. I'm
completely vulnerable in this place. Liable to be shredded alive by the young
lions. I start to cry and I eventually collapse down sobbing. That's the dark
side. The unhealthy side of the tension that each of us brings to the
practice. It is our lower state. Our animal state. Our competitive "survival
of the fittest" state. We are not merely animals though. We are human beings.

The instructor comes behind me and puts her hands on my back and shoulders and
gently massages me. "Its not a competition. It's a discipline. You are taking
the first steps. You are beautiful and you are strong. You are capable of
great strength. You must not quit. You must come back. Listen to your body.
Listen to your mind. Everyone here is challenged. No one here is perfect. I
see to it that everyone is pushed as far as they can go. By challenging our
bodies we challenge our mind. Die to your practice every day. Experience the
exaltation of overcoming challenges. Experience the point of failure, where
your body really tests your mind. Live for it. Be a warrior." She nailed it.
It was what I needed to hear. I'm still sobbing but I'm feeling better. They
are tears of joy to mark the beginning of my journey. That is the healthy
side. I'm training my body and my mind, and I accept that every day I will die
to my practice. Every day I will grow stronger. The competition is within me.
That is the higher side. The place of light. The place of humanity. Be a
warrior. Namaste.