Julianna Takes out the Trash
By Jack
Two punks learn some manners from a female self-defense instructor


Hi, my name's Julianna, and I love going barefoot. It is because of that
simple fact that I am now standing in front of twenty-five terrific young
women, all barefooted, who are performing kicks, punches, etc. like pros. And
I couldn't be happier.

You see, ever since I was born, I have hated shoes ... and I mean HAAAATED!!!
If my tough soles aren't on the ground, I'll go into hives. So, as early as
five, I went after every barefooted activity there was. As a result, I'm a
phenomenal swimmer, an ace at volleyball, a pretty damn good dancer, and one
of the top female karatekas in the state. As a result, I've always felt a
little out of place. I mean, people can be a bit intimidated when the
homecoming queen tears up the dance floor with her bare feet and then beats
three football players into bloody pulps when they try to rape her in the
parking lot.

But then I met Hollis Johansen. You might have seen her; she was one of
People's 50 Most Beautiful People last year, and she was on Larry King after
she foiled a bank robbery by beating the crap out of three armed robbers ...
and you can bet that she did it barefooted! Well, she came to town because
she's trying to spread the word about female empowerment through yoga,
self-defense, meditiation, positive life choices, and barefooting. The effects
of her program have been amazing ... confident, spiritually beautiful, women
in positive relationships who have freed their feet and their minds. And these
women can mop the floor with the badguys. If nothing else, 49 men (sexual
offenders, burglars, you name it) over the last five years have wound up in
prison via the hospital when they messed with the wrong women and got their
asses kicked. What I love most about Hollis' program is that she teaches a
very important rule: "Never use your power when you don't have to, but never
be afraid to use it either." And that's the best part ... usually, you can
subdue someone without really hurting them and they learn their lesson, but
there are also times when somebody deserves nothing less than the worst
possible beating of their life. And let me tell you, calmly and effortlessly
beating a serial killer into a cowering bawling mess is a truly great feeling.

So here I was, in a top-of-the-line gym, training these women so that these
moves were as basic as jumping jacks or breathing. It never ceases to amaze me
how easily they pick things up, and how much better it makes a women when she
feels empowered. It doesn't make you more masculine ... you're freer to be a
woman when you know nobody can mess with you. And as for the bare feet, well,
I'm sorry, but that's just God's gift to us women. Barefooted is how we are
supposed to be, and beating the shit out of badguys feels pretty damned
natural to me, too.

We all came to a stop, and a round of applause went around the room. "All
right, girls, that was great!" I said. Now remember your exercises, do them
any chance you get. And also, bare feet, bare feet, bare feet! I don't want
you wearing shoes anywhere that you don't have to. Remember, most women's
shoes are impossible to fight in, and if you have to defend yourself, you
might have to fight barefooted. If you do, you want you feet to be ready. Not
only that, but going barefoot is just cool!"

At that point, two guys looking moderately drunk and fairly preppy staggered
into the room. "Well, well, well," laughed the first one, "so this is what a
women's self-defense class looks like! Take all the self- defense you want,
and I'll take which ever one of you I want!" His buddy laughed hysterically.

I padded up to Frat Boy #1 and tried the polite approach. "Hi, I'm Julianna, I
run this class, and you guys are actually being rather rude. Not only that,
but it's a girls only class, so I am well within my rights to ask you two to
leave." They laughed again.

"My daddy runs a Fortune 500 company and donates to the school. I can do
anything I want!" And he flourished with his beer bottle, splashing beer all
over me! They laughed again.

"Well, girls," I turned to the class who all looked either baffled or outraged
by these admittedly rich losers. "This would be a case where I have to be very
careful. On the one hand, just beating them up would lose me my job and get me
a hefty lawsuit, if they felt like admitting that a five-foot 110-lb girl had
beaten them senseless." Now the girls laughed as my intruders turned red. "At
the same time, I've said that allowing anyone to disrespect you this blatantly
can actually be an invitation for further abuse." The girls nodded. I could
feel it in the room, they were just itching for me to give these guys a
whooping. "Not only that, but his pouring beer on me is technically assault,
which might give me some legal defense if I were to respond physically."
Cheers and assent circulated the room. "Finally, I've got everything on that
camera right over there," I pointed to the camera I always keep on my
sessions, "and YouTube is just begging for another video of me beating the
snot out more badguys. 'Hot chick beats serial rapist into bloody pulp' is
still one of their biggest downloads!" More laughter and redder faces from my
unwanted guests. "However, I also try to teach you guys that you always need
to respond appropriately to any situation, and these guys don't deserve one of
my full scale beatings, they just deserve to be laughed at by a room of
attractive women and then escorted from the building. Mind helping, Kristen?"

Kristen, my best friend and roommate is like a pint-sized comedian. She's only
five feet tall, she goes barefoot even more than me, she's the sex idol to all
of her dorky male friends in the video department (those guys are all really
sweet, so nothing against them), and she has a very bad habit of using her
fists to settle problems when violence can be avoided. But there's no doubt,
her fists can settle pretty well. Still, it would be good for her to learn
that you can humiliate without hospitalizing.

Each one of us grabbed a guy by the wrist and twisted. The entire class
cheered as two tiny cute barefoot girls led two whimpering and crying fratboys
out of the gym. I planted my tough but sexy bare sole on my guy's rear and
sent him sprawling out onto the parking lot. Kristen did the same. Now
passers-by on the campus were laughing at these two jerks. It was terrific!

Fratboy #1 picked himself up off the ground with hatred in his eyes. "Goddamn
you, bitch!" he yelled, and charged me head-on. Well, this guy was honestly
too pathetic to deserve hospital time, so just more humiliation and a few
bruises sounded like the right move. The moment he got close enough, I
grabbed, pivoted and sent a guy twice my size hurtling through the air. OOF!!!
He landed, and beer spilled all over him. Then, I admit I enjoyed this
immensely, he started bawling like a baby.

"Why you, bitch!" cried Fratboy #2, and he charged, as well. I rolled my eyes
and smiled snarkily, trying to think what I could do differently to subdue
this guy while still entertaining the growing audience.and not losing my job.
By the way, I guess there were a number of people who liked me or didn't like
these guys, because the gathering crowd definitely seemed to be cheering for
me and Kristin. Well, just before the guy got within range, Kristin's bare
foot flew up and demolished this guy's nose. SPEW!!!

"My friend is nice," growled Kristin, holding this guy's lapel. "I'm not!" And
with that, this poor guy got the biggest flurry of fists and feet you've ever
seen. Two fists to the gut doubled him over ... Uppercut, busted his lip and
rolled his eyes back in his head. Then, standing on one leg, Kristin's other
foot just smacked this guy back and forth for about twenty seconds. When
Kristin came to a stop, this guy was leaning against the dumpster, crying like
a baby and holding his hands up for mercy.

"P-p-please ... " he begged. The audience loved it. One thing I've learned is
that everyone hates a bully, and everyone loves to see a bully get creamed,
especially by a pretty girl! The other thing I love is when a coward gets
creamed, he'll do anything to stop the whooping, no matter how humiliating!
"Please don't beat the shit out of me any more! I can't take it!"

Kristin grinned cockily. "Aww, what's the matter? Did pretty little barefoot
girl beat the big bully up so bad he has to beg?" Just to taunt him, she ever
so slowly lifted that fist.

"No! God, please! Don't hit me anymore! I've had enough!!!"And more crying.

Kristen furrowed her brow in mock thought. "Well, let's see. My friend here
was teaching a nice little class when you and your friend burst in rudely,
insulted her, and then tried to pick a fight. Knowing how easy it would be to
beat the shit out of you, we decided to be nice and just remove you from the
premises. After that, you guys continued to cause trouble; my friend is a very
nice girl, and once again subdued your friend without really hurting him,
although he's going to be the laughing stock of the school for a long time. I,
however, am not so nice, and I was well within my legal rights to beat the
shit out of you."

"No, God, please!" He put his hands up again. "I'll never insult another girl
again. I'll do anything! Just please don't beat me up anymore!!!!!"

Kristen shook her head. "There's a real important rule Mistress Juliana
teaches us. Never start a fight, but always finish it. Try to be nice, but if
a man attacks a woman, then the one thing he deserves is to be beaten into a
bloody pulp. And that's exactly what I'm going to do to you!"

The loser's eyes filled with fear, but they would soon be beaten into
blackness.. THUD!! THUD!! Those fists hammered home the point. OOF! OOF! She
buried her fists in his flabby gut. HYA! HYA! HYA!!! Bare feet turned his face
to hamburger. "And this," grinned Kristin, "is how I always like to finish!"
Her foot pulled back and then kicked him in the groin.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" the bully cried. Then Kristin lifted his legs and
hefted that asshole right into the dumpster. The audience went wild.

In case you thought I'd forgotten about Asshole #1, well, I don't like to get
shown up by a student, even if she is my best friend, but at the same time, I
can never be seen using barefooted asswhooping when it's not warranted.
However, a macho asshole ego can usually be relied upon to ask for it, if
given time. So I maneuvered myself so that I could see this jerk in the
reflection in a window, while he thought my back was turned. All during
Krsitin's masterful demolishing of his buddy, I could see Asshole #1 going
through the fight or flight questioning process. Should he do the smart thing
and run away from these two mini-amazons, or should he try a sneak attack to
get his revenge (some revenge, if he'd just behaved himself, he never would
have been in this position.) Well, sure enough, seeing his buddy thrown in the
dumpster was the last straw, so Asshole #1 picked up a heavy wooden chair,
held it overhead, and charged. Some of the audience members pointed in terror,
but I just grinned. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.

The moment he got within range, I pivoted, shot out my leg, and let barefooted
skin shatter that board. His face was hilarious as it went from murderous
rage, to surprise, to bafflement, to mortal terror. He turned behind himself
to see if he could run, but the crowd was blocking any escape path. A stain of
piss and urine spread quickly down his pants. The crowd laughed hysterically,
setting that male ego off again, despite the rest of his body's overwhelming
terror. Fists and profanity started flying. The profanity made him look like
an idiot, and the fact that not one of his fists wasn't getting anywhere near
me made him look pretty stupid, too.

Finally, I worried that the crowd might be getting bored, so I grabbed one of
his punches and twisted his arm. "Well", I said, looking down snidely at my
victim. "I bet this is turning out to be the worst day of your cushy little
life." With that, I released him, shot three punches straight into his mouth,
totally knocking out his front teeth. A swirling bare foot (going barefoot,
being a woman, and kicking the shit out of assholes rules!) clobbered him on
the side of the head. Then I twisted his arm again. "Well, just remember a few
things ... one is that you brought this on yourself. I only beat the living
shit out you once you'd really asked for it." Release again. I shot my left
foot once into each side of his chest, not doing his ribs any good. Another
foot shot slammed into his gut. Fortunately, I got out of the way when he
puked.

Careful to avoid the new mess, I grabbed him by his hair and held his head up
so he'd look at me. "However, Kristin was absolutely right. Once a woman has
exhausted all possible alternatives, she needs to teach her attacker never to
do this again. So, I want you to go someplace dark and smelly to think about
all this," And with that, I lifted him to standing, spent fifteen seconds with
fists and feet turning him into an unrecognizable puffy mess, and then I
grabbed him by the balls, ran with him straight toward the dumpster, then
hefted and through him right in with his buddy. As that asshole crashed into a
pile of stinky garbage, the entire audience cheered louder than I've ever been
cheer before. My classmates came out and hefted me and Kristin on their
shoulders.

Well, me and Kristin had plenty more adventures there in college. Serial
killers, rapists, drug dealers, racists, terrorists, the two of us wound up
beating all of these into blubbering messes in time. Not only that, but my
self-defense class flourished, and fan mail started flooding in like mad. On
the other hand, my two punching bags from that day dropped out of college, but
I have seen them a few times since then. The next week, three serial rapists
tried to assault me while I was jogging. After I beat them into blubbering
wrecks, they told me it was my two assholes who had hired them to do this.
They testified to the police and the two assholes were put under arrest. They
tried to run, but I caught them and beat them shitless again.

KICKING ASS, GOING BAREFOOT, and BEING A GIRL. It just doesn't get any better!
Barefooting Rules!