The Christian Chronicles 2: The true events in the life of a muscle obsessed loser. by Christian Williams christianwill20@yahoo.com Part 2 of ? I hope everybody reading this has read my first installment because I sure as fuck don't feel like writing the intro again. But even J.K. Rowling does some sort of catch-up so here it is: Me: Pathetic muscle obsessed geek (albeit good looking with decent body) with small penis. Events: As true as I can remember. Here's a doosy of a story. I once saw Inna Uit at Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. That's about it. I was with my present girlfriend and her brother so the only thing I got was a risky look over at the only professional female bodybuilder I've ever seen in person. I did notice that she has a mole on top of her abs that I've never seen in pictures. Hot story, I know. I'll give you all time to recover from the amazing orgasm you had jerking off to that one. I was thinking this time I may discuss one of my stripper experiences. If it's short and I feel like it, I may add another. I feel like I need to mention I've probably have had well over a hundred lapdances in my life and only two are really worth mentioning. Anyway, at my last job, I was fortunate enough to be sent to Vegas a few times a year for trade shows. Me in Vegas was like letting a kid loose in Disney World. I would stay out until 6AM and somehow make it to the show by eight. Needless to say by the end of the week, I was either going to die or become one of the homeless guys that hang out on the bridges over the strip. My desire to see muscular women dancing nude has created an impression with my friends and co-workers that I love strip clubs. I don't have anything against them, but the main reason I go to one-two-or more on a night out is because I'm searching for that one muscular chick on which I can spend an assload of money I don't have on lap dances. The problem is more often than not, you're stuck at a strip club spending hundreds of dollars on Russian whores that seem to travel around the bar at the speed of sound. And most of the time when you do get lucky finding a muscular chick, she's either has no idea that she's muscular and refuses to acknowledge it, or you can't touch her because there's some gorilla watching you praying he can finally act out his favorite parts of Roadhouse. And sometimes she may just be a cunt. But Vegas is usually a good bet. If you haven't been there yet and you have the means, I highly suggest making the trip if you are into muscle chicks. The most muscular stripper I've seen in Vegas was at Cheetah's. This was about 3 years ago (2004) and I don't know if she works there anymore. Anyway, the group I was with was just about to leave when I spotted an extremely muscular dancer walking around. Cheetah's is small, but really smart because they make their dancers stay on the floor to up the dancer to patron ratio. This is a dream for muscle lovers because we don't have to wait hours to see if the one dancer we caught a glimpse of from 30 feet away is muscular or just a fat chick that fell through the cracks. Warning: You can't sit unless you "reserve" your seat with the bouncers. This definitely isn't company policy but I've seen it all three times I've been there. This dancer didn't seem to be asking for dances so I told my friends I was hitting the head and asked her for a dance. Unfortunately, this story will be spotty because I was fucking obliterated by that point in the night. I do remember that I was extremely open about how turned on I was by muscular chicks and she told me all about how almost every guy gave her shit and made comments about her being a guy. From what I can remember, her face was pretty feminine, but her back was very thick. I don't remember if she told me any stories about guys liking her body. Anyway, I spent the next hour (yes hour) worshiping her body as she flexed pretty much every muscle in her body. She was very into it and genuinely seemed happy about how turned on her muscles made me. All of the grinding and muscle grabbing did give me an orgasm during my dance. Unfortunately when I'm that drunk they suck and almost no ejaculate comes out. She didn't notice and I didn't bother telling her that tiny wet spot came out of the tiny poke she felt in her ass. I apologize that this story does not have more detail, but it really is all that I remember. That and the complete beat down I took from my friends for disappearing for over an hour when we decided we were leaving. I told them they could've ditched me, we took a cab there anyway. But like all good guy friends, they would rather suffer and stick just to give me shit later. As fucked up as I was I actually told them that I came in my pants and showed them the small wet spot on my jeans. Surprisingly, instead of making fun of me, they said, "For that much money you fucking well should've cum." That was the second most muscular stripper I've ever seen. Before I get inundated with emails, I will answer the obvious question. Sheena from Playhouse Lounge in Burlington, NJ is absolutely the most muscular stripper I've ever seen. But DO NOT expect to go there and get a typical lap dance. She's very classy and will not put up with creepy guys trying to get off during a dance. In fact, she's told me she won't even talk to a guy she doesn't think is a nice guy. She will only accept lap dances if she feels you will treat her with respect. I've spent a lot of money on her, but it is mainly from talking to her and slowly caressing her incredibly muscular body. And she completely understands the muscle fetish and has absolutely no problems flexing. I do have a fantastic lap dance story from Playhouse Lounge, but that was before they installed cameras in the rooms. From what I've read the dances still go pretty far, but not to the point they were before the cameras. There were a ton of Brazillian chicks that would have no problems doing whatever it took to get your money. In fact, I've dealt with them so much I'm surprised I don't speak fluent Spanish by now. Kind of like Splash when John Candy is fluent in Swedish from all the porn he's seen. Playhouse Lounge is very hit or miss. My official opinion is they can be great, but have no filter in the hiring process. If a rhinoceros could wear a bikini, it could have a job at Playhouse Lounge, but a few of the dancers were quite muscular. There was one Brazilian chick that definitely went the extra mile with me. She wasn't thick muscular, but definitely very vascular. She seemed like the kind of chick that's just muscular without working out. Of course the fact that she was fucking 50 years old probably helped cause the vascularity. Anyway, she definitely didn't know how to flex worth a shit, but teaching her was part of the fun. This chick was very aggressive trying to get me to cum quickly, which I didn't understand. Why would a chick getting paid $30 a song (equating to ~$450 an hour) be in a rush to bring an end to the festivities? I knew this chick was a winner when she licked and kissed my neck while I was still sitting at the bar. BTW, if you like having your neck kissed and licked, there are a ton of chicks at this joint that do it. She didn't waste any time in the back room and within 1 minute had my shirt over my head and was licking my nipples (another reason this joint rocks!). Despite what I've read on stripclublist.com, I've never had a dancer take my dick out during a dance, but she did unbuckle my pants and open them so my less than impressive dick was tenting my boxers. She was a little too aggressive trying to jerk my dick through my pants and rub her tits against it. I actually had to stop her and ask her to move slower. Seriously, how does such a whore not realize that penises don't want or need that much friction? I swear if she had a cheese grater on her, I was fucked. She barely spoke English, but she did understand that I was turned on by her muscular body. I taught her to flex, but she was only able to do that fist to shoulder flex that amateurs tend to do. I was actually surprised that no one had ever gotten her to flex correctly before. Nevertheless, any flex is good enough when you have you pants unbuckled in a private room with a Brazilian chick you're paying $30/3 minutes. There was a great Man Show episode covering buying porn and they said foreigners are our friends. Well this also applies to strip clubs. For some reason, I had no qualms about having this chick do whatever I felt like. I spent the first few dances teaching her to flex and what each muscle was called. After each dance, they announce on a loud speaker (only heard in the backrooms) how many dances each dancer is on. This is a surprising, but awesome part of this place. Anyway, during my fifth dance, she started talking about her muscles and if they were turning her on. I did not coach her in this, but she seemed like a quicker learner. Anyway, when she said, "Do my biceps turn you on?" in her fucked up Brazilian accent, my dick jumped in her hand. She wasn't actively jerking me off, but she did have her hand resting on top of my boxers, thus on top of my boner. She obviously felt this and start moving her hand really fast on my dick. I grabbed her arm and slowed it to a pace that wouldn't cause a fire. Seriously, are there any guys that want a chick rubbing their cock like Mr. Miyagi? But she realized what the catalyst was and kept asking me if I liked her biceps. I guess the language thing kept her from being able to say, "Do my biceps turn you on?" over and over again, but that was good enough for me. I did end up cumming in her hand. This was fairly recently so she is probably still there. The only description I can give is older Brazilian chick with busted face, but extremely vascular body. Since I have done a ton of research in this area, I might as well share some knowledge at this point. I'm not going to list the Vegas joints because it would take me a month. The bottom line is you can't go wrong with Spearmint Rhino. I've actually gotten a lapdance from Sasha Ogata, which is extremely hot because it was the first lapdance I'd ever gotten from I chick I had previously jerked off to on the internet. She's bounced around the nicer joints in Vegas, so you may run into her anywhere. She was pretty cool and definitely up for flexing. The problem is twice she turned down lapdances because she had a guy waiting for her that gave her over $1000. That tends to happen in Vegas. Anyway, here's what I feel like writing about joints I've been to: Playhouse Lounge, Burlington, NJ: Sheena: Insansely muscular, but classy and deserves respect. Only works Fridays after 9PM Quite a few toned Brazilian chicks that are now less aggressive due to the cameras in the lap dance rooms. It's a BYOB club, but watch what you bring because there's usually a DUI stop across the street Northbound 130. Cheerleaders, Philadelphia, PA: My favorite strip club on the east coast. Quite a few muscular girls and they seem to have an endless supply. Also, the dancers and staff are extremely cool. There's not one stripper that stands out, but most are at least hardbodies with at least one fairly muscular dancer on a good shift. Actually there is one chick that has the best shoulders and most fantastic V-taper of all time. The problem is she has almost no biceps and is almost impossible to get a lapdance from. I've seen her there over a dozen times and she's never gone around the bar for tips. She latches onto some old dude and stays there the entire night. Oh and keep away from the decently muscular chick with the bandana that's always there because she's...well she's a cunt. Actually cunt might not be fair. She's a professional stripper who's goal is to leech as many dollars as possible with the least amount of effort. Crazy Horse 2, Philadelphia, PA (Now Rick's Steakhouse or something): Sucks. It looks really classy, but if you see 25 dancers at Cheerleaders, you'll see 3 at CH2. And the staff are a bunch of assholes. It's under new ownership now, but I think it may be going the VIP route where you have to spend $300 just to get close enough to smell their farts. Oasis, Philadelphia, PA: Not bad. Smaller than Cheerleaders, but the staff is great. I have seen one muscular dancer there, but it's very random. Great potential for the future, though. Warning: They do not have the Phillies on. What the fuck strip club in Philly doesn't have the goddamn Phillies games? Cheerleaders, Gloucester City, NJ: Small, but decent hang out club. I haven't seen any really muscular dancers, but there's one very lithe chick that works out on stage. She attaches her legs around the pole and does 30+ sit-ups that seem to defy human possibility (seriously, she would even make youtube). If that doesn't give you a raging hard-on, you'll gay. Or just not into muscular chicks. Which is an ironic comment, I guess. Heartbreakers/Centerfolds, Neptune, NJ: This joint holds a special place in my heart. I used to live in Belmar and spent more hours here than at home. They used to have the greatest dancer ever named Toni Ann. She was a little older, but has been the picture in my mind during many jerk-off sessions. She had what normally looked like a regular stripper in good shape type body. But her biceps were almost comically peaked. You wouldn't notice them until she swing around the pole, then they would peak up like racquet balls. Her lapdances were very tame, but she had no problems with me touching the "non-naughty parts" as she would say. So she would sit on my lap facing me and I would run my hands all over her back and arms. And she had no problems with flexing her biceps when I got to her arms. Unfortunately, she definitely hasn't worked there in a few years. Fortunately, it's a solid joint with at least a couple muscle chicks on their roster. Warning: They bus in Russian chicks so don't go if you don't have a ton of money or are willing to just be a dick to everyone that sounds like they starred in Red Dawn. Cabaret, Eatontown, NJ: This is another place that is special to me. It's a shithole joint, but has the perfect combination of regular hometown bar and strip joint. When I would walk in, whichever bartender was working would instantly put my Heineken in the best open spot. That either makes for a fantastic staff or pathetic me. Maybe the combination of both. My buddy got a DUI in their parking lot and had to quit his job and move out of the state. They asked me how he was doing and told me to say hi for over a year. That's the kind of place this is. There's no lapdances, but you can stay there for hours and only spend $50. There was one muscular dancer that such an innocent "I look more like a hot mom than a muscular sexy stripper" face. Unfortunately, she was also one of the chicks that seemed to always be next to some old guy at the bar. I did have her sit next to me once, but I don't remember much about the conversation. She most likely still works there. Hot 22, somewhere around exit130 on the parkway, NJ: Dude, if you have a tattoo fetish, I found your Utopia. It's a BYOB place with pretty cool staff. The dancers range from crack whore to muscular crack whore. Deliliah's Den, Pleasantville, NJ: Used to be topless. I've seen a few muscular chicks, but I would skip this joint unless you're stuck in AC with a hardon. Volcanic Eruptions, Hamilton Township, NJ: My hometown strip club. I used to go here when I was 18. It's BYOB and great if you're under age and want to sneak in beer. There used to be a stripper here named April with a ridiculously muscular body, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't work there anymore because she's white. Bottom line: If you like black chicks, this is your joint. Delilah's Den, Philadelphia, PA: I really don't know what to think of this place. Sometimes I think it's great, other times I think it sucks. It tries to be fancy without being too fancy. Lots of dancers with only one even remotely muscular. But god fucking damn is she muscular. Her name is Gia and she only works occasionally Friday or Saturday nights. It's easier to find a black guy in a Clan rally than it is to find this chick. But she's completely worth it. She's very aware of her muscles and likes when the guy is also. But fuck is she hyper. I've dealt with cocaine addicted 4 year olds with less energy than this bitch. She's cool though and worth the venture. Alright, there may be more, but now I'm bored of doing the list. I hope you enjoyed reading about my experiences and I welcome any responses (christianwill20@yahoo.com ).