Pippa the Valkyrie
by Jarl Ravensbeard
A young Valkyrie's First Mission.


In her dormitory on the fifth floor of the West Wing of the great Castle of
the Valkyries, Pippa was nervous. Today was to be her first solo mission. She
was still only sixteen, and had undergone two years of hard training since she
had been chosen at the Jotunheim Games as one fit to join the elite corps pf
the Valkyries.

There was swordplay, unarmed combat, weightlifting to build strength,
athletics, gymnastics, runes, pilates, hair-braiding, the difficult skill of
riding flying horses, and worst and most difficult of all - Icelandic poetry!
Three of the five shield maidens who had been selected with her a the games
had either fallen out, or been sent back home in disgrace.

Slender Freda had not been able to press the three hundred pound barbell
overhead fifteen times in the space of a minute, as was required of all young
maidens wishing to pass their first year of training.

Friggida had not lived up to her name, having been caught in a room in the
North Tower in a compromising position with one of the hobgoblin gardeners.
And Gerda just couldn't cope with the Old Norse grammar classes and the
pressures of deconstructuralist criticism of the prose Edda.

Eyeing herself in the bronze mirror at the end of the dormitory, Pippa was
quite pleased with what she saw. She had grown to six feet one inch tall since
she had been here. Her pale blonde hair was three feet long, and tied in long
thick braids. She was glad she had not needed to use the smelly facilities of
the peroxide chamber, which many were forced to do, to maintain the regulation
hair colour.

Yes the training had served her well. Her waist was a slim twenty two inches,
the same girth as each of her long, sleekly muscular thighs. Her torso
broadened to a pair of powerful shoulders. and as for her arms... Pippa raised
her long right arm in the mirror and flexed, grinning at the solid seventeen
inches of muscle that rose there.

Rearranging her knee-length chainmail over the short-sleeved calf-leather
jerkin of the trainee valkyries she left the chamber.

Even this early, the Great Hall was full of people. Goblin servants tended the
great fires which burned constantly in the middle of the vaulted hall. Dwarven
chefs turned whole oxen on massive spits at the bottom end of the hall while a
small dragon browned racks of toast nearby.

A few of the mid-ranked valkyries were sharing breakfast at one of the long
tables at the top end of the hall, but Pippa did not dare to join them,
sitting on her own at one of the lower tables. Several ravens stared down at
her from stone mullions high up on the walls of the hall.

Pippa decided on just a light breakfast. Two hobgoblins staggered under the
weight of a half-side of ox and a four pint flagon of mead. Pippa ate the
whole ox leg and some of the flank meat, but that made up less than fifty
pounds of meat in total, and she only had one refill of her mead jar. Eight
pints of mead. She hadn't drunk so little with her breakfast since she was
twelve. But she needed to be lean and mean for her first solo mission.

"Are you ill?" Grognak, one of the hobgoblin servers sneered as she stood.

"Not at all!" Pippa faced the six foot sallow-skinned creature. "I've never
felt better!" Grasping the gawky two hundred pound figure by leg and shoulder,
she stretched her arms upward, lifting him easily up off the floor and high
above her head.

"See?" she said, holding him horizontally three feet above her head as he
screeched and squealed. "I'm quite healthy! Now stop wriggling!"

The hobgoblin obeyed at once, knowing better than to anger one of the
valkyries, however young and wet behind the ears.

"Please let me down!" he pleaded, remaining perfectly still, as instructed.
"I'm sorry I offended you."

"Okay." Pippa released her grip, letting him fall heavily onto the table. "But
consider yourself lucky that I have better things to do today than to
discipline you properly. Otherwise I'd have taken you to the archery hall,
pinned you to one of the targets, and shot away a couple of quivers of
arrows."

"Thank you, mistress," the tall figure struggled painfully back to his feet
and backed away. "May I go back to my duties now, mistress?"

"Yes," said Pippa. "But you will also scrub the entire south wing of the hall
out with a four inch brush. I'll be back later to inspect the work."

"Yes, mistress," Grognak looked depressed. Pippa was known for seeing that any
punishment that she ordered was carried out to the letter. She allowed no
slacking. She'd even made Alred, the dwarven fourteenth chef, polish every
cauldron in the kitchen twice, when he had produced an underdone goat and
dumpling stew. Even some of the full valkyries feared to challenge Alred, who
had a fiery temper. But Pippa had simply picked up the 180 pound dwarf by both
feet and held him suspended for several minutes with his head dunked in a
tureen of his own fish soup. He was incredibly polite to Pippa after that. And
if she was capable of humbling a full chef, no mere menial would dream of
disobeying any of her orders.

Pippa made her way to the study of the Mistress of Novices, who was to give
her her assignment.

"All right, Pippa," the six foot four valkyrie rose to her feet behind an
ornate oakwood desk, covered in scrollwork and carved dragons. "This is an
easy first task for you. You are simply to take a horse, and go to the tenth
century to pick up a warrior. The horse will take you to the right place."

"Where do I take him?" Pippa asked.

"That's for you to decide. If he is a true warrior, fallen bravely in battle,
he is to go to Valhalla, if not then not."

"Okay," Pippa nodded.

The stable wing was on the east side of the castle, where it looked down from
its rugged mountaintop peak on to a green valley. The Stablemistress Valkyrie
had a horse waiting. "This is Frostfall," she said. "He will show you the
way."

Riding one of the wild Valkyrie horses was a hard-learnt art. They were
willful, strong, wild, and difficult to master. Pippa struggled to keep the
horse headed in a straight line as it began to pound across the open field and
then up into the air.

Pippa decided not to risk the wild Valkyrie war cry until she was sure that
she had the horse under control - especially under the watchful eye of the
Horsemistress. The castle of the valkyries was far beneath her now, and
farther to the west she could see the golden halls of Valhalla and the many
palaces of Asgard. Pulling the horse to a halt in a fluffy bank of cloud,
Pippa prepared for the jump to Midgard, or Earth, as she was used to calling
it.

There was a rush of light and a rainbow of colour as they left the mountains
of Asgard for the mortal realm. In a moment they were riding above snowclad
hills and dark green forests. Frostfall seemed to know the way they were
going, so she gave him his head, admiring the scenery as it sped past beneath
them.

They slowed and came down to land near a small group of huts in a clearing.
The smell from the run-down long-houses and muddy animal byres was fearsome.

"I do hate the tenth century!" Pippa said to herself. "You'd think these
people would have taken the time to invent disinfectant!"

Lying in the grass beneath the trees was a man with a sword and shield.

"Ah. A valkyrie!" He said as she dismounted. "I thought you were legends."

"We are," Pippa said. "But we try to be active legends."

"Does this mean that I'm ... Er... dea...?"

"I'm afraid so," Pippa nodded. This was the worst part of the job. Some heroes
became very emotional once they discovered that they were booked out on a
one-way flight.

"So does this mean I'm going to Valhalla, the great hall of the heroes, where
we carouse and drink until Ragnarok?"

"Maybe," Pippa said non-commitally. "First I have to decide whether your death
was a worthy one or not."

"YOU decide?"

"Yes. That's my job. How did you, er... die?"

"In battle, of course."

"With who?"

"Don't you mean, 'With whom?' Um... Well it was a wild boar actually."

"A boar? I'm not sure if that strictly counts as dying in battle."

"It was a fearsome creature. She was protecting her young..."

"She?" Pippa stared.

"She was fearsome - huge! A heroic boar, such as would have defeated Hercules!
I was badly gored!"

"So what you're telling me is that you were killed by a pig - and you expect
me to take you to Valhalla?"

"I told you, it was a monstrous beast! If it's a monster, it counts as dying
heroically in battle - right?"

"These tracks don't look very monstrous," Pippa squinted at the ground,
wrinkling her nose.

"It was huge! There it is - over there!" he pointed.

Pippa saw a movement in the trees and began to run. She was a fast runner and
quickly had the beast in view. Pulling back her arm, she threw her Valkyrie
spear, which flew straight and true, slicing into the back of the creature. It
fell like a stone.

Two minutes later she strode back to where the warrior lay, the dead pig over
her shoulders. "It's not that big," she said, letting the body drop to the
ground. "Two hundred pounds maybe. I eat pigs that size for elevenses. I'm
feeling quite peckish right now actually... Being a Valkyrie does burn a lot
of calories." She picked the pig up in her arms and fastened it across the
back of her horse. "It's quite a while since I've had a good piece of pork..."

"What about me?" the man said.

"I think I've made my mind up," Pippa said. "I don't think getting killed by a
pig quite qualifies you for hero status and a place in Valhalla." She bent and
scooped the warrior up in her arms.

"You're certainly a strong young lass," he said appreciatively. "But where are
you taking me?"

"It's going to have to be the underworld," Pippa shrugged. "That's where those
who don't make it to Valhalla end up."

"But the underworld is dark, it's dismal, nothing ever happens there. It's a
drag!"

"Sorry. But that's my decision. It's the underworld for you."

"That can't happen!" The young man tried to struggle. "All my relatives are in
Valhalla. All except Sloki the Coward, and Sven the Double Entry book-keeper.
I don't want to go to the underworld!"

"Stop wriggling!" Pippa tightened her grip, stilling the warrior's struggles.
"You're going to the underworld, and that's that!"

"Ow! You're hurting! Your arms are very strong!"

"Of course. I'm a Valkyrie!" Pippa said. "Physically I'm in the top 0.2
percent of demi-humans."

"Couldn't I persuade you some other way?" the warrior gave a knowing smile.
"You're a ravishing young woman, I'm a handsome young man who is not exactly
shunned by the ladies. Couldn't we get to know each other a little better?
Perhaps a veal supper. A few tankards of ale. Some music. You might get to see
a better side of me..."

"No. You're not my type." Pippa hefted the guy a little higher before dropping
him over the pommel of her saddle. "If I'd fancied you, I would have let you
into Valhalla anyway, even though you don't strictly meet the criteria. We
valkyries have a great deal of discretion that way. But since your looks and
personality don't appeal to me at all, I'm afraid it's the underworld for
you."

"Couldn't we come to some other arrangement?" the man wailed as he tried to
struggle free. But Pippa's arms were very strong, and he couldn't prevent her
lashing him down across the front of her saddle.

"What sort of arrangement?" Pippa asked.

"You tell them that I'm a hero worthy of a seat in Valhalla, and I'll let you
have my stash of gold."

"Gold?" Pippa loosened her grip and let him slip back to his feet. "What
gold?"

"I have a horde of gold in my hut, taken on a viking raiding expedition to
Scunthorpe. Just take me to Valhalla, and its yours!"

"Show it to me," Pippa said. While financial considerations did not strictly
enter in to her official decision-making process, Valkyries were very fond of
gold, and often acquired large collections.

The young man pointed to a large chest buried in the earth under a bed inside
his hut. Pippa bent and heaved the chest out of its hole with one shrug of her
broad shoulders. Her arm muscles swelled and rippled as she tore the lid right
off the top of the iron-bound box.

"There. See!" The man pointed to the gleaming cups, goblets and tiaras inside.
"That proves that I'm a great warrior."

"It might help..." Pippa picked up a large goblet and crushed it in to a
crumpled mass of clinker in her hand. "If it wasn't all brass and plated tin!"

"What!" Her companion looked even paler than before. "But Rurik said..." His
voice trailed off. "I'll make him pay for this!"

"Not unless you chance to meet in the underworld," Pippa said, letting the
ruined chalice fall to the ground. "I'm afraid this only confirms my decision.
No Mead-hall of the Gods for you. I wouldn't be too broken-hearted, though.
It's a very rowdy place."

"No." the young man shook his head. "I'm not going to the underworld! If you
try to make me go there I'll tell everyone that you agreed to take a bribe.
You don't want that! Just tell everyone that I died fighting the terrible
beast of Trondheim, and that I'm a hero worthy of..."

There was a sound like wind whistling through the treetops, and suddenly
Pippa's fist crashed into the young warrior's jaw with shocking force. Pippa
was a fit young woman, and when she hit really hard, it was not pleasant for
anyone unlucky enough to be at the wrong end of her fist.

There was a sickening crack as the warrior was torn right off his feet and
sent flying fifty feet through the air, until he slumped headlong into the
mud.

Unfolding her fist, Pippa walked across to where the body lay. The body was
still. She hoped she hadn't killed him. Could you kill someone who was already
dead? She looked down at her prone victim. His jaw was badly smashed. He
wouldn't be doing a lot of talking for a while. Slowly his eyes flickered
open.

"Oouampphhhh!" He said.

"Never threaten a valkyrie," she said, picking him up in her arms once more.
"Now you'd better be extremely quiet while I ferry you over to the underworld.
There's not a chance of me changing my mind now. And I'm going to see to it
that you get a particularly dank and putrid corner of the grisly realm. We
valkyries have a lot of options in selecting the region of the underworld that
we think best suits our guests, and you're going to have a lot of time to find
out that it isn't wise to cross us. And one other thing: In the underworld,
things happen very slowly, so it will take your jaw a good hundred years or
more to mend." She raised him higher and threw him back over the pommel of her
saddle. "So don't make me have to hit you again."

"Urummpphhh." the young man answered through his broken jaw.

"That's right." Pippa tied the warrior securely down across the front of her
saddle. "Never argue with a valkyrie."