Transference
by Goupil


email: levik9999@yahoo.com


I have been shy for as long as I have known myself. Well, actually, my
parents still have the memory of the bold little child I was. But then,
all little kids have been like that, up till their teenage years as it
sometimes happens. It happened to me and I'm probably not the only one
to have become so terribly shy in my adolescence.
High school days were a period of hell for me. We were only three boys in
a classroom full of girls. They were all so... how to say... bold,
naughty and mischievous. I don't know how the heck they felt my
weakness, but soon it was hell for me. They came over to me with
questions such as, 'Viktor, are you always such a quiet, good boy?'
said mockingly of course. Obviously, all these girls despised me.
I have been the intellectual type since early adolescence, teachers and
colleagues recognized me as such, and my parents knew I was to work in
this domain and were actually proud of me. My social abilities were quite
slim though, and that was probably the big flaw in my character. Later on
these abilities were to remain slim only with women...
I have had problems with women since adolescence. The fragile women
looking for protection in a man were nothing but a myth, it seemed to me
when I watched my high school classmates...
Of course I had no girlfriend, which added to my low self-esteem.
Finally, it's my turn. A tough, crazy teenage girl with the body full of
tattoos comes out accompanied by her mother. Despite her age, she
intimidates me. I leave the magazine on the table, try to control my
anxiety at the thought of seeing her, and step in. I swear in my mind my
parents' idea of seeing a woman psychologist. I thought I wasn't going
to step into another psychologists' office, after the five years spent
with my first therapist.
She's fifteen years younger than me. As if that were not enough, she is
also blonde, beautiful, and looks even younger than her age. She is not
physically strong, but she manages somehow to intimidate me. It is
probably her superior calm, she never gets angry, I am the one who goes
from one state to another, I am the one to experience various emotional
states. She has very much self-control and is also very smart. She is, I
should admit, a woman I admire.
With age, I became a handsome man, with a respected job. And I got the
fetish of preferring young girls, who would admire an older man like
myself. I must have sought to dominate them, trying to be what I never
was in my adolescence and what I was not with women my age.
But this psychologist was not impressed by me. Had I asked her the
question, 'What do you find so attractive, as I am fifteen years older
than you?' she'd probably answer, 'Nothing.' Not that she is trying
to dominate me, no, she even left me the choice of deciding when to come
for the sessions. Whenever I felt like I needed to. I was not crazy, she
told me (encouragingly).
Indeed, I only need some guidance, or better said, orientation. In my
teenage days I felt sometimes as if I was lost in this world, that I was
completely powerless to do some things by myself, that I needed a sort of
guide. I was anxious about what I was going to do later in life, if I was
ever going to be able to manage by myself in various situations, if I was
ever going to understand some subjects by my own self. This was a feeling
of fear, of insecurity about my future...
She never humiliated me. She only kept me at a respectful distance from
her. The intriguing thing is that she doesn't even despise me. She
doesn't admire me either...
I don't understand this woman. But why should I worry? Sigmund Freud
himself never understood women. 'It's a dark continent,' he said.
Anna is so different from Käte. Käte is despiteful, she often humiliates
me and well, she's my boss. She is German, has that sense of order and
command. Käte is beautiful in her own way, with her slim athletic body,
her short blond hair and her proud ways. She is also almost ten years
older than me, but she has a youthful look, seeming to be able to control
time as well. I myself am a physically strong man, but unfortunately I
have no strength of character.
Several times I was not able to finish all the work my boss Käte gave me.
Her attitude surprised me: I was the more humiliated as she did not scold
me, but she said, 'No problem, that's ok, calm down.' I was desperate
indeed, I thought she'd just throw me out despisingly. Instead, she made
me recall that episode of an exam when I was completely lost, feeling so
ashamed that I didn't know how to answer, that the teacher (a
middle-aged lady) kindly invited me to sit down, then came to my bench
and practically held me in her arms to calm me down. And she was one of
the most feared teachers...
What was happening to me? Had I found a new fetish, with Käte, that of
strong, dominating women? That's why I decided I needed to see my
psychologist. So I preferred a relationship with a strong woman, so what,
what was wrong with that, after all it was all a matter of personal
taste, Anna seemed to say. Was I afraid about what the others would say?
Well, if we'd think about everything the others think we'd go crazy,
she said. Why should I feel embarrassed? My life, my choices, why lose
something because I worry about how others judge me? This made sense to
me, and I believed Anna was right.
Now I was determined to accept my relation with Käte, to accept her
superiority. And also her protection... She'd probably become my
psychologist as well... As a song by Celine Dion goes, 'I surrender...'
Käte, do with me whatever you like, I am all yours. Let them think what
they like, I really don't care anymore...