The Loincloth and The Book. 
By Marcus in Disguise, snnz3a@earthlink.net.
The magic has gone out of the words, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."


In their jungle tree house, Tarzan and Jane waited for the
chimp who delivered the mail.

Tarzan thumped his chest. "Me Tarzan," he said for the hundredth
time today. "You Jane."

Jane yawned. "Can't you say anything else?" she asked.

"Chimp bring Tarzan new loincloth," he said. "Bring Jane book."

"Yes," Jane said, " a book on self defense. Oh Tarzan, if it wasn't
for your body, I don't know what I'd do."

She looked up at him and sighed. Her head came only partway up
his chest. He wiggled his pectorals and flexed his arms, but she
turned away.

"Please please please say your articles when you talk," she said.
"Be daring with some verbs. Try...oh, you're hopeless."

Jane's eyes didn't sparkle until the mail chimp arrived. As always,
it wore its postal service shirt and no pants. It half crouched
with its knuckles dragging along the tree house floor, which, once
upon a time, made Jane exclaim, "How cute!". It screeched as it
dropped the package.

Tarzan was delighted with his new loincloth, and Jane ripped open
the package that contained her book. She held it up and kissed its
cover as if it were a face.

The next week Tarzan strutted around the jungle in his new loincloth.
Animals stared. Tarzan laughed. He was happy.

He noticed that Jane was happy, too.

First, she only read her book, closed her eyes, the went back to reading.
Then she tried holds on neighboring apes. She hip tossed them, head locked
them, and body slammed them.

She practiced on other animals. They ran from her. Her roar sent a lion
meowing in the other direction. A rhino swerved when it found her in its
path.

One night she woke Tarzan with a slap. "Let's wrestle," she said.

"Tarzan big," he said. "Jane little. Tarzan hurt Jane. No wrestle."

She grabbed him. She squeezed him in a bear hug. "No," Tarzan gasped.
"No fight. Jane go bed."

"Spoilsport," Jane said.

Again and again, Jane tried to get Tarzan to wrestle. Each time she grabbed
him, he went limp. Sometimes he played dead. "Big faker," she said.

Finally, Jane left. "I'm off to fight in a tournament," she said. "I must
go. I 
must. You won't fight, and all the animals run when I come near."

About the time Jane left a small ape came to visit. It walked like Jane and
only came partway up Tarzan's chest. Tarzan figured that it was a female
ape because it turned to him with lust in its eyes.

Time passed.

Tarzan and his new ape friend swam together.

They raced through the jungle.

They played cards.

They swung on vines.

They even danced a wild jungle step that had left both of them laughing.

"Little ape fun," Tarzan said. "Tarzan like little ape. Tarzan no more like
Jane."

"Aha," said the little ape in a familiar voice. It grabbed a zipper on its
chest
and pulled. And there was Jane, standing in the middle of a fallen ape
suit.

"Jane," Tarzan said.

"I don't care if you want to fight or not," she said. "I'm going to kick
your
ass."

"Tarzan no understand," he said.

A fist shot into his solar plexus. As he folded over, Jane followed up with
an uppercut which sent him sprawling backwards. "Get up," Jane yelled.
He stood, towering over the little terror. He swung back, but none of his
blows connected. All of Jane's did.

He thumped to the tree house floor so often his falls were like drum beats.
"Let me help you up," Jane said, but instead of grabbing his hand she
snatched his balls. Tarzan's famous jungle yell burst from his mouth. It
shook the tree house and the tree, sent birds flying and elephants
stampeding.

"No more," Tarzan said, then said a new word. "Please."

"But I'm just getting warmed up," Jane said.

Tarzan was hip tossed. An airplane spin left him dizzy. And hold after hold
left every inch of his body aching.

Bleeding, crying, he gazed up through the blur of tears at Jane with her
hands on her hips. He wanted to curl up, bury his head.

A kick sent him flying out of the tree house. His back smacked the jungle
floor. A giant snake, hissing with laughter, slid over him.

Jane dived from the tree house and landed beside him. She turned him
over and grabbed his face.

"Oh yes!" Jane screamed like the first night they had sex.

"Oh darling," she said. "I'm not bored anymore."

She ripped off his loincloth and stared at his erection. "Service me, stud,"
she said.

Jane cleaned Tarzan's wounds and nursed him back to a full recovery,
but he suspected that it was only so he'd be in shape for another beating.

Tarzan wasn't taking any chances. He opened the language workbooks
that Jane had bought for him. He looked at dictionaries. Perhaps--and it
was a big PERHAPS--if he could converse well enough, he could make Jane
happy without being a punching bag.