Doctor Kimmie. Girl Necologist. Renowned Penile Authority.  
By Kimmie Cat.   KimmieCat3@aol.com
Doctor Kimmie will examine men's crotches while they wait.


DOCTOR KIMMIE'S CREEDO: Since girls always get their crotch examined by a
guynecologist, shouldn't guys be forced to have their crotch examined by a
girl necologist?

Hello! Well, I certainly hope you were wearing little condoms on your fingers
when you downloaded this web page. Please proceed to the main office while you
read this patient information bulletin.

Thank you for choosing me, Doctor Kimmie Cat, for your necological exam. Here
is your basket. Kindly remove all your clothes and take a seat in the waiting
room with the other patients. Now in case you feel shy or self- conscious
about sitting in a room filled with other naked men, please be assured that
your reaction is quite normal. Most males have special feelings about their
penis which they have secretly carried with them since childhood.

So as an ice breaker, what I normally do is go around the room and ask each
patient to state his first name and the pet name he has given to his penis.
Last session they came up with some good names such as ‘Juice-miester',
‘Volcanic Vince', and ‘Casper the friendly penis.' But I want it to be
something that has some personal meaning to you. Then you'll stand up and
greet each other in the manner of the Walibri Tribe of central Australia, who
shake penises rather than shake hands. (Pop singer Michael Jackson was
recently elected an honorary chief) And then we'll all do about 20 jumping
jacks just to loosen up. I really want you to look happy in your group photo.

You see, in my practice, I try to break down some of the old stereotypes that
society generally associates with the male sex organ. After centuries of bad
publicity, a little understanding is certainly in order. In my own medical
opinion, a male should be thought of as MORE than simply a life support system
for a misguided erection.... though very few women will agree with me on that.
I believe that if men had feelings, they'd be hurt. I believe that the hole in
a man's penis is useful for more things than just getting air to his brain. So
I like to have my patients relate to this vital apparatus not as a weapon, or
as an object of shame or ridicule, but as a happy little friend.

Now a word about me. I recently graduated Magna Cum Loudly (very loudly) with
a degree in advanced Necology from the Feminist's Unlimited Carnal Knowledge
University. This occasionally presents some misunderstandings when people ask
me where I got my license and I reply F.U.C.K. U. I've even been kicked out of
some restaurants just for wearing my college sweater. Honestly, some people
just have their minds in the gutter. And our football team sucks too, but
that's just part of the curriculum.

I'm often asked to be a guest speaker, mostly at prisons. I'm not sure why. I
guess it's because most of the inmates have penises. And they're always eager
to learn new masturbatory techniques. Many inmates complain that their
cellmates are not always interested in having sex and wonder what they can do
to improve their long term relationships.... very sensitive guys. Last week,
one warden wasn't happy about the direction of the discussion so he stands up
and says to me in a real huffy tone of voice, "Are you SURE you're an expert
in the penal system?"

But if you're wondering why I would pursue this type of career, the answer's
easy. Ever since I was a little girl and had my genitals groped over by the
cold prodding hands of a guy necologist, I wanted to become a girl necologist
and get even. No, actually I felt that I could provide a service to males from
a perspective and understanding that they could never get from a male doctor.
C'mon, when was the last time you saw a male close his knees nervously and
say, "Gee, I seem to have a problem between my legs. I better go see a girl
necologist right away." Not too often, I would bet. But let's face it, boys.
Anything you tell a male doctor about your penis sounds like ‘blah blah
blah... blah blah blah.' That's because you and I both know that all he's
doing the whole time is mentally comparing his own organ to yours. You go in
seeking a serious medical opinion and all you wind up with is a pecker
contest, right?

Anyway the cost of an exam is $150.00, but if you're having a circumcision
done, I'll take 20 percent off. These services are covered by all major
medical policies including Blue Cross, Red Cross, Joe's Bar, Medicare,
Medicaid, Metlife temporarily and Kaiser Permanently. Obviously for that kind
of money, you should be expecting me to do more than just squeeze your balls
and ask you to cough. (You might have to sneeze too.)

Note: If in the future, you find that you are unable to come to my main
practice at the clinic, you may be in luck. During the coming year, I will be
opening new convenient branch offices in the following locations:

Assebroek, Belguim Ballarat, Australia Bitche, France Bloemhof, South Africa
Booby Island, Bahamas Brest, Bulgaria Climax, Colorado Cockburn Harbour,
Bahamas Cumbum, India Dick's Head, Somalia Fuching, China Hardelot, France
Intercourse, Pennsylvania Kuntaur, Gambia Likimi, Zaire Long Bush, New Zealand
Naked Creek, Virginia Nipple Peak, British Columbia Penistone, England Pis
Island, South Pacific Pornbach, West Germany Pusi, Peru Raper Cape, Canada
Schmucke Peak, East Germany Sexsmith, Alberta, Canada Skinnerup, Denmark
Slutsk, Russia Strokestown, Ireland Suchim dong, North Korea Tit, Algeria
Tushka, Egypt Twatt, Scotland

And yes, according to my National Geographic, all of these places do exist.
Incidentally, the natives of Tit, Algeria, who refer to themselves as
‘Titties', are still plagued in modern times by ongoing tribal warfare. But as
you might expect, the tribe with the biggest Titties usually wins.

Let's begin with some basic penile facts. The average flaccid penis is 3.5 to
4.5 inches in length. The average erection is 5.5 to 6.5 inches. Average
circumference is 5 inches. The most sensitive part of the penis is the corona,
the ridge around the head of the penis. Medically, the record for the longest
erection of a penis not altered by weights, plastic surgery, or trick
photography is 13 inches. Sorry, your 1970's porno star ‘Long Dong Silver'
used a prosthetic device to achieve his remarkable 18 inches. The volume of
semen in an average ejaculation is one to two teaspoons. (But don't put it in
your tea.) For those who swallow, there are to 6 to 10 calories in a typical
blow job, but it really lacks any serious nutrition. The average male
ejaculates 8,000 times in his life, producing 5 to 14 gallons of semen,
depending on how tired his right hand gets. But don't bother saving it.
There's not that many uses for a gallon of semen and the local sperm banks
don't pay a very high interest rate.

Anywhere from 50 million to 400 million sperm are shot out in one ejaculation,
causing teenage boys to go through an awful lot of Kleenex. Those wiggly guys,
your sperm cells, live about two months in captivity and must be maintained at
a temperature of 93 degrees Fahrenheit and fed a steady diet of girlie
magazines. Since 93 is slightly lower than body temperature, your testicles
have probably decided to hang outside your body..... and that brings us to one
of my most frequently asked questions:

"Doctor Kimmie, why does it hurt so much when the girls kick me in the balls?"
Dear, patient, it hurts your pride more than anything else. Maybe you should
first stop and think about what you did to deserve getting kicked in the
balls. So what's going on in there? Your testicles contain thousands of
pressure- sensitive nerve endings. The pain is nature's way of telling you
that you better protect them little sons of bitches.

The outer layer of each testicle is called the tunica albuginea and it's
actually a pretty tough covering. Because of that, it takes about 22 pounds of
pressure to rupture, or crush, a testicle. You can test this theory by lying
down on a flat surface and having someone drop a bowling ball on your
testicles from ever increasing heights. Your family jewels are much tougher
than your eye balls which are fortunately protected by orbital bones. So you
tell me..... which hurts more, pressing on your boy balls or your eye balls?
See, you learned something already.

By the way, testicles got their name from the Latin word ‘testis' meaning ‘to
bare witness'. It's the same root that we derive words like testament,
testify, and testimony. In Roman times, a man would grip his testicles when
swearing an oath or pledging that what he is about to say is honest and
truthful. The American Bar Association recently selected Michael Jackson as
the most honest man in America.

Well before we get started with your exam, I'd like you to first fill out the
written questionnaire below so that I may become a little more familiar with
your personal background. And please try to be as honest as you can with your
answers. Be assured that your answers will remain totally confidential. (that
is of course unless you come up with some really cute responses whereupon I
might share them with my girlfriends so that we could have a good giggle
together.)

Question 1..... How many times per week did you masturbate as a teenager?

Question 2..... If your answer to question 1 was two or more, please state
your present eyeglass prescription and the density of follicle growth (hair)
on the palms of your hands. If your answer to question 1 was seven or more,
you will need to download the brail version of this web page.

It's amazing that I still hear from men who question whether or not this
activity is immoral or abnormal. One of my patients even asked me to testify
on his behalf in court that masturbating is a perfectly normal thing to do.
And my answer is ..... not necessarily. It seemed that he was suing a company
for discriminatory hiring practices and he claimed that the company was set to
offer him a job but suddenly withdrew the offer when they found out that he
masturbates. I told him that it certainly sounded like a violation of his
right to privacy and asked him where the employer caught him masturbating. He
said, "during the second job interview".

I later learned that he had also performed this stunt while standing in line
at McDonalds, while riding a bicycle (that's talent), and while collecting his
diploma at his high school graduation ceremony. (The principal grabbed the
diploma back and the boy had to get a G.E.D instead.) So, no, masturbation is
not always normal.

Historically, too, the practice has been an obvious detriment to nation
building. The French masturbated during both world wars..... while the British
stopped masturbating (wanking) in 1066 A.D. and have not been successfully
invaded since.

There recently was a judge who tried cases while masturbating under his robe.
The headline read ‘Here cums the judge'. You think I make this stuff up. Just
type ‘Oklahoma masturbating judge' on your Google search.... And keep your fly
zipper in the locked position.

Question 3 ..... Prior to puberty, did you ever experience any dry
ejaculations? Were you aware that the feeling was related to a sexual orgasm
or did you simply say, "Ooo, that tickles."

Question 4 ..... At what age and circumstances did you experience your first
wet ejaculation? How did you feel? Were you scared? Did you know what it was?
Did you think that it might be penis pimple puss? Did you run and tell your
mother? Did she give you a bucket and mop and tell you to go clean up the mess
right away?

Question 5 ..... As a child, were you ever caught masturbating? If so, by
whom? Did your parents allow you to continue living with them, or were you
committed to a masturbatorium for treatment? (A rumor persists that the U.S.
government has whisked away several high value prisoners to secret
masturbatoriums in eastern Europe.)

Question 6 ..... Did you ever practice the ‘gravity' form of masturbation?
It's as simple as grabbing a chin-up bar and lifting your knees, but
surprisingly, this type of orgasm is unknown to 99 percent of the male
population. What's with you guys? Don't you know anything about your own
plumbing? Well, I guess that's why I'm the one with the necology degree so
I'll try to explain.

Both males and females have groin muscles called Pubococcygeus muscles. They
do the push/pull work when you go to the bathroom. Females also use them to
give birth. Males push to pee and pull to ejaculate. Are you straight so far?
If a male grabs a chin up bar with his hands and lifts his knees up, maybe to
about stomach or chest high, those muscles straining to keep his legs at that
position will also be pressing against his prostate. This forces an
ejaculation to occur in about a minute without even touching the penis. A
couple of my patients said they had been publicly masturbating this way since
they were young boys, hanging from the jungle gym at recess or from a tree
branch, experiencing those ‘feel good' dry ejaculations right in front of the
teacher and no one had a clue what they were doing.

Question 7 ... Place a checkmark next to all of the inanimate objects into
which you have ever inserted your penis for the purpose of creating an
artificial vagina a) teddy bears b) dirty socks c) vacuum cleaner hoses d)
grapefruit e) cantaloupe f) toilet paper rolls g) electrical sockets h) sheep
i) automobile tail pipes j) passed out blondes k) flashlights that use D
batteries (Note: If your flashlight uses C or AA batteries, you shouldn't be
ashamed of the way God made you. Blame Everready)

Question 8 ..... At what age did you stop letting your mother see your penis?
(If your answer is greater than twelve, we will be discussing ‘Oedipus
Complex' during your exam.)

Question 9 ..... If you had the chance, would you trade your penis for a
vagina? (Or do you simply enjoy having something ugly, wrinkled, and
vulnerable sloshing back and forth between your legs like a malignant tumor?)

Question 10 ..... Have you ever tasted your own semen? Do you think it would
go best as a condiment on ... a) a peanut butter sandwich b) a ceasar salad c)
a scoop of vanilla ice cream

Question 11 ..... If your aunt had balls, would you count her as an uncle?
Would that mean your real uncle was gay? Maybe she doesn't know he's gay.

Question 12 ..... What type of underwear do you normally wear? a) boxers b)
bikini briefs c) tighty whities d) barney the dinosaur e) mom's or sis's
panties (Does she ever complain about how difficult it is to get out those
crusty stains?)

Question 13 ..... True or False: The seminal vesicle was first identified in
Florida in 1735 by a doctor examining the Seminal Indians.

Question 14 ..... Have you ever gotten anything stuck in your rectum? Yes, I
work on poop shoots too, but as you can imagine, it's not the glamorous end of
the business. Some of my patients with this condition can get quite
embarrassed asking for assistance. I've lost count of how many gerbils I've
had to extract. (Wouldn't it make more sense just buy a habitrail at the pet
store?) But I do take pride in my work and I'll get the job done even if I
have to go in there with a raincoat, a flashlight, and a ball of string to
find my way back.

Question 15 ..... What types of necological services would most interest you?
a) Circumcision (I use a weed whacker for this, so it's ok if you cry.) b)
Vasectomy (I use OJ's knife for this, so it's ok if you cry.) c) Castration (I
use a chain saw for this, so it's ok if you cry.) d) Emergency re-attachment
(If men can get away with using duct tape to fix everything, why can't I ?) e)
Penile enlargement (Please specify number of feet.) f) Testosterone injection
(Please specify number of quarts.) g) Sexual re-assignment (Requires written
permission from your mother.) h) Beer batter enema (If you thought it was
great on onion rings, just wait till I ream it up your butt.) i) Spanking
(Every boy regardless of age needs a good old fashioned attitude adjustment.)

Some people seem a little surprised when I tell them that I spank most of my
patients. It's not a punishment, but rather the patient's request and I'm one
of the few doctors who's been professionally trained in the practice. Why
would a man want this? Basically it's to relieve guilt or self loathing. For
some, it serves as an alternative to going to confession. And I'm not talking
about guilt from masturbating. Most of these guys steal from their company or
cheat on their wives or drink too much. They want to be hurt and made to
cry... just so long as nobody knows about it. So I give them a stern lecture
while I bend them across my knee and wield my sorority paddle on their bare
buttocks.... and they cry and tell me how sorry they are. The only problem I
have with this is that there's a dentist who works in the office below mine
and he complains that all the screaming makes his patients jumpy when he
drills them.

After a paddling, it usually helps if I let the male sit on my lap for a
minute and use my breasts as a head pillow while his tears dry. If I'm lucky,
maybe a fourth of them will stop being bad. But they say they really need me
because when the clergy did it to them, it was called molestation, but when I
do it, it's called therapy.

Question 16 ..... How do you pee at a public urinal? a) With two hands
(Indicates a shy, self conscious individual who doesn't want anyone to see it
or steal it.... Probably still a virgin..... likes to aim at little bugs at
the bottom of the urinal.) b) With one hand (Indicates a self confident and
outgoing individual, proud of his manhood.... Could be a fireman or a great
lover. c) With hands on hips (Chairman of the Board of a large corporation,
but also cheats on his wife) d) With one hand on the penis of the man at the
adjacent urinal (Indicates an ambitious multi-tasker, but you better make sure
he's a good friend before trying this one)

Physicians note: In a recent nationwide survey, 98% of all males reported that
they were taught by their mothers to wash their hands each time they went to
the bathroom. The remaining two percent were taught not to pee all over their
fingers.

Personal note: I think that the only reason men can pee faster than they golf
is because they don't need to waste as much time deciding which club to pull
out.

The subject of peeing was also part of my college thesis. I set up an ice
cream stand at a county fair next to the entrance of the men's bathroom. I
offered a free double scoop funnel cone, the kind with the pointy bottom, to
each man who entered the bathroom. Well I certainly got a lot of strange looks
from these guys as they exited. Quite a few sprinkled pee on their pants. Some
had ice cream stains on their crotches or shirt pockets and some had ice cream
all over their face. I asked one guy what was going on and he said that they
all looked like Houdini trying to escape from a straight jacket. My conclusion
is that a male must consider it a sign of weakness to ask another man for any
help whatsoever unzipping his penis. My Freudian friends said the cone was a
phallic symbol and no real man would trust another with his most prized
possession.

By contrast, and this was no surprise, when I tried the same experiment at the
ladies room, the females happily formed a ‘bucket brigade', passing each cone
to someone else in line while they speedily used the stall. Conclusion: boys
are stupid.

Question 17.... Complete this sentence: The perfect ending to a date is when
the woman puts my penis in: a) her thoughts b) her will c) her sister d) her
cocker spaniel e) her pickle slicer

Question 18.... Penises of the animal kingdom. Maybe when your girlfriend
called you a pig, she was offering up a compliment. Anyway, see if you can
arrange the following list of animals in order of erectile length. I'll give
you the answers below. (Hint: If you are accosted by a horny blue whale, it's
gonna hurt. But if you're accosted by a horny gerbil, it won't hurt a bit.
Just step on him.) Also, see if you can guess which one of these male animals
doesn't even have a penis.... Hmmm...talk about your humiliation in the locker
room.

a) Argentine lake duck b) blue whale c) bull d) dog e) elephant f) gerbil g)
giraffe h) goat i) horse j) pig k) porpoise l) sparrow

Give up? Okay, you probably think I must spend a lot of time looking between
their legs but it's in the pursuit of science. The sparrow (and almost every
bird) is the unlucky fellow who aint got one where it counts.... Which
explains why they need all those fancy colors and mating calls to attract
women. Boy birds have vaginas, technically called ‘cloaca' which they place
against the girl's cloaca and the sperm passes from him to her.

In ascending order, you have the gerbil with a half inch erection (hey, at
least you beat out two animals so far). Then doggy has 9 inches (with a slight
bulb near his penis head so occasionally he gets stuck with a bitch during
intercourse. I've heard a few husbands make the same complaint) A goat has 13
inches... The porpoise and the Argentine lake duck both have 17 inch penises
although they do not swap wives. Note not all birds are un-endowed. The
porpoise, by the way, is the only animal that has a built in sex toy on the
head of his penis. It's an extra protrusion below the head that acts like a
thumb to stimulate Mrs. Flipper. No wonder she squeaks. Then pig 19, horse 30,
bull 36, giraffe 40, elephant 55, and blue whale 156 inches (that's 13 feet).
Now you know why every guy wants to name his tool ‘Moby Dick'.

An octopus penis, on one of the 8 tentacles, varies in size but it doesn't
matter since it breaks off and sticks to the female during mating. So if you
were a boy octopus, how anxious would you be to get laid? Not to worry, after
spending a brief period as a ‘septopus', it eventually grows back.

A male hamster can ejaculate up to 50 times in one hour, like my little
brother. And the slug is an interesting case. Slugs carry both sets of
genitalia and when they meet, each tries to bite off the other's penis and the
loser gets to be the girlfriend.

Question 19.... When you were little, did you ever use your penis as a
character in a bedtime puppet show? Did you ever do it as a grownup? Describe
your arrest.

Question 20.... Are you easily embarrassed by the shape of Florida? Would you
be even more embarrassed if it pointed north or are you already embarrassed
enough that Floridians don't know how to vote?

Question 21... True or False... You cannot out run an ejaculation.

I guess I'll have to give you this one. The answer is true. Semen erupts from
an average teenage boy's penis at a rate of 25 miles per hour. The world's
fastest human can only run at about 20 miles per hour. So if you are held up
on the street by a naked teenage boy who is threatening to ejaculate on you if
you don't hand over all your money, don't be a fool. Just give him your
wallet.

Question 22... A frendulum is a) the measure of the angle from the body formed
by an erection. b) the part of skin that attaches the shaft to the head of a
penis. c) a masturbating buddy, as used in the phrase "With frendulums like
you, who needs enemas?"

Question 23... Complete the sentence and check all appropriate responses.
"When I get an erection, I can use my penis to ...." a) count to eleven. b)
serve doughnuts to co-workers. c) point out my bosses mistakes. d) steer my
car. (Well if you've got a cell phone, a gps, and a cheeseburger, sometimes
you have to.) e) order from a menu. (Who can pronounce those French entrees
anyway?) f) dial a phone number (I'll be more impressed if it's on an old
fashioned rotary phone.) g) operate an elevator (Just don't brag that you can
get to a higher floor than your buddies.) h) collect beads at Mardi Gras. i)
make a weather report. (Sorry, just because your penis is wet, that doesn't
mean it's raining.)

Question 24... Did you ever get your penis to ‘vocalize' by playing the Penis
Popper game? If so, what is your favorite tune? Do you take requests?

As to the origin of penis popping, I offer this theory... If you give a boy a
present, he'll spend fifteen minutes playing with the toy, the next thirty
minutes pondering the box that it came in, and then he'll go to his room for
the rest of the day to play with his penis. When these boys grow up, they come
see me because they think I'm a music critic and they're proud of this unusual
talent.

The popping noise sounds similar to squeezing bubble wrap and appears to
achieve best results with a partial erection. The process basically involves
moving air bubbles up and down the urethra, and in my opinion, can be a
healthful alternative to masturbation without all the gooey mess to clean up
afterwards. So you want to be a penis popper? I'll try to explain what I
observed from a right handed musician.

The left hand grips the shaft while using the thumb and index finger to spread
the glans (head of the penis) so that the exit hole is as wide a circle as
possible. The right middle finger is placed on top of the hole and presses
down, forcing air bubbles through the urethra, which the left hand can feel.
This is done one or more times to pump up his penis with air. Then he pinches
shut the hole with his left hand and pushes the shaft inward toward the body.
(Inward means to make a six inch erection look like a five inch erection.)
This effectively ‘cocks' his weapon and sets up a small explosion when he
releases or un-pinches the hole. The young man could choose between one loud
pop or a string of smaller pops. Alas, my vagina can only make squishy sounds
and for the first time in my life, I had penis envy .... which lasted about
five seconds.

Question 25.... Did you ever pop your penis in the ‘bad' way? Uh oh, you don't
want to try this. An erect penis will ‘break' if it's bent at a severe angle
anywhere along the shaft. An erection should have the shape of an exclamation
mark, not a capital letter ‘L'. This can happen if you don't watch where
you're going and you walk into a wall while reading a girlie magazine. It's
more likely to happen when you're having sex with the woman on top (riding the
horsey). Her ‘back and forth' movement generally provides more clitoral
stimulation for her than an ‘up and down' motion. But if she gets too rough,
you will hear a very audible cracking sound of your corpora cavernosa
(erectile tissue). This is not only very painful, but you will not be able to
able to have an erection until it heals, which takes a very long time.

Now I know that if you're building to the climax of a passionate moment, it
might seem a little unmanly (and unromantic) to look up at your dream girl and
say, "Hey baby, you're being a kind of rough on my pee pee, can you ease up a
little?" But don't say I didn't warn you that there are women out there who
will seek out a one night stand in order to ‘break' a man just for kicks....
and you become another notch on her belt. So before you engage in risky
behavior, stop and think about what happened to that poor boy octopus in
question 18.

Question 26... Did you ever suffer from Priapism? Priapism is the condition
whereby a penis will remain erect for longer than four hours. When I was in
high school, I thought all boys had this disorder. The name stems from
‘Priapus', the Greek god of fertility who is often portrayed as weighing his
enormous phallus on a balancing scale to determine his penis's equivalent
value in gold and treasure. Some doctors suggest that the term be changed to
‘Clintonism'.

But priapism is no laughing matter. When blood in the penis doesn't circulate,
the same thing happens as when you don't change the oil in your car. It gets
thick and muddy and if it's not drained out in 24 hours you will become
permanently impotent. So if it happens, you should either go to Lube Stop or
see me.

Priapism is most often caused by a reaction to some prescription drug or
treatment. I relieve the patient by inserting a 10 gauge (3.4 millimeter)
diameter hypodermic needle into the glans (head) of the penis and draining the
blood from the erectile tissue. I hope you're not scared of big needles. It
will stop hurting after a few days and then you can sport a new macho image
with a pierced penis and a gold stud. Two holes are better than one and the
ladies will think you are so brave.

Question 27... Have you ever committed an act of Koro (genital theft). If you
have, would you please give it back. Or have you ever been the victim of Koro?
Hmm.... Well if that were the case, then there wouldn't be much for me to
examine, would there?

Koro is a form of paranoia, not reality and it's important to note the
difference. When Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband's penis in 1993, it was
not koro, but simply an early warning sign of a potentially dysfunctional
marriage.

Although rare in the U.S., koro is an ongoing social problem, especially in
third world countries of Africa and Asia. Koro could involve the outright
theft of a man's penis. But more often, the claimants say, the genitals simply
retract and disappear into the body by means of sorcery or witchcraft. Those
accused of koro are usually lynched or burned alive regardless of their guilt
or innocence. Since a rumor is all that's needed to start a missing penis
panic, koro exists because, like Bigfoot and honest politicians, some people
believe it exists.

The final question in our survey deals with male sexual fantasies. I know
you'll love this one because the male sex drive is piloted by sexual fantasy.
Men and boys spend up to seventy percent of their waking hours thinking up new
adventure shows starring their penis.

Question 28.... Suppose a group of super hot, scantily dressed young women
invited you over one evening to attend a neighborhood PTA meeting. After they
strip you naked, what would be your favorite activity to participate in once
you found out that their initials ‘PTA' stood for ‘penis torturing
association'?

a) They've run out of batter, so your penis is pressed and baked in a waffle
iron. b) You're taken to the elevator and your penis is accidentally caught
when the doors close. The ladies draw straws to see who gets to pick the
floor. c) Everyone gets to play darts. The center bullseye of the dart board
has been cut away and fits nicely over your penis. You must not only hold up
the dart board, but keep score too. If anyone hits your body, they lose and
you get 50 points. If they hit your penis, you get 100 points. When you're
done, just lie down, but don't move the dartboard. One woman knows you're good
with kids, so before she puts her four year old daughter to bed, she gives her
a hammer and lets her spend a few minutes playing ‘Whack the Gopher'. d) A
glass rod is put in your little hole and inserted four inches up your urethra.
The ladies then draw straws to see who gets to grab your penis and crush the
glass internally. e) You're given a salty snack and asked to wash it down by
drinking a gallon of water. When you ask for directions to the bathroom, they
squeeze a small needle- nose tube of super glue into your little hole and glue
you shut permanently. Then everyone waits for your bladder to burst. f) As an
alternative to the above scenario, when you ask for the bathroom, they
handcuff you behind the back and place you in a bathtub filled with warm
water. When you start to pee, one of the women empties a small bucket of
Candiru fish into the tub. These are tiny Amazon River catfish, about a half
inch long, that follow a urine trail and swim into the urethra of humans. Once
inside your penis, this parasite spreads its spiny gills causing excruciating
pain as it begins to feed on your tissues. g) The ladies are having a sewing
bee. I think they're making a quilt for you, but your penis is volunteered as
a human pin cushion. Each time they finish a different color thread, the
sewing needle is discarded by pushing it through the diameter of your shaft or
into the head. h) A dozen little fire crackers (you know, the real little
ones) are wrapped around your penis and the fuse is lit. As the fuse gets
closer, each gal predicts how long your penis will be after they go off. i)
This one's a mixture of pleasure and pain. The group gives you gentle strokes
and ‘fluffing' to bring you to a ranging hard-on. Then the women draw straws
to see who gets to jack you off with a coarse grade of sandpaper. j) A dozen
yellow-jackets (those nasty little hornets) are caught and placed in an empty
glass jar with a lid. After you are tied down to the bed, the jar is shaken up
to get the critters really mad. Then the lid is pulled off and the jar is
turned upside down over your penis and testicles. The ladies apologize about
the testicles since they're only supposed to be torturing your penis tonight.
By the way, yellow jackets don't lose their stinger like other bees do. They
just keep stinging until they get bored. k) Sometimes there are no hornets
around, so one lady has this ant farm in her basement. First the ladies will
pour honey over your penis and when they get you to lie down, they'll sprinkle
out a whole box of Texas fire ants. First they bite you with their mandibles
and then they sting you. Try to remain calm. If you jerk your body from the
first sting, all the other ants will be alerted and sting you too. L) The head
of your penis is put into a portable vise and is tightened shut. The vise is
then attached to a rope and pulley on the ceiling and your body is slowly
hoisted up. If you're not too obese, the weight of your body just might be
able to be suspended by your penis without ripping out..... for a few minutes
anyway.

m) This is an exercise in self control. Your penis is taped to a 12 inch
ruler. Two inches further up, a rat trap is taped to the ruler. (A rat trap is
the same as a snapping mouse trap, only bigger.) Be careful. If you get an
erection, the head of your penis will touch the firing mechanism and it might
snap your penis right off. As you try to concentrate only about taxes or
sports scores, the ladies have removed their halter tops and are busy licking
your nipples and delicately gliding their fingernails across your tummy and
inner thighs. They lick your ears, suck on your toes, caress your pubic area,
and give a deep tissue massage to your buttocks. Oh dear, you're getting goose
bumps all over. Oh my, you're starting to react in a bad way. You've grown an
inch longer.... now an inch and a half. Sweat beads across your forehead. You
plead with the gorgeous young bare breasted women to leave you alone. They of
course refuse and you scream out in panic, "Oh, Damn this testosterone!!!
DAMN!!! DAMN!!!" Then it's too late.

This concludes your written questionnaire. Please bring it with you to the
examination room and remember to shut the window when you're asked to produce
a semen sample. The passersby don't carry umbrellas. Upon completion of your
exam, I will draw a happy face on the head of your penis in permanent magic
marker. We can pretend that the little hole is his nose. (I used to give out
suckers, but that dentist in the office below me said this promoted tooth
decay.)

So if any of you boys have a problem between your legs that you're too
embarrassed to ask your mommy about, feel free to ask me, Doctor Kimmie.
Remember, there's no such thing as a bad penis, but sometimes a good penis can
do a bad thing.