An ode to Reno 911's Clementine Johnson




Catfight fans and/or fans of the Comedy Central show Reno 911 this little tale
is a tribute to my favorite character of that particular show. For those of
you that have seen the show but aren't familiar with the names Clementine is
the blonde that always has her police blouse unbuttoned. I'm not sure how
royalty laws work so I'm going to change her last name and appearance a bit.
Breasts are a full cup and a half bigger, arms and shoulder are a little bit
bigger as well so that she doesn't look unportioned. Now the past year as some
of you have been told I've been having problems with concentration so please
bare with me. With all that said I'll turn this tale over to the narrator.

I had just moved into this house. The neighborhood was okay. Not upperclass,
but I wouldn't have to sit on the floor in fear of drive-by's neither.
Actually it would've been a good neighborhood if it weren't for the Innie
brothers. A week after moving in they were kind enough to drop by and
introduce themselves.

"I'm Benny Innie. (Pro wrestler Booker T) These are my little brothers Denny
(Pro wrestler Kane) and Kenny (Pro wrestler Rey Mysterio Jr.)...." I found
Denny to not be so little. 7' tall and about 350 pounds of muscle. Benny was
no slouch himself about the same size as me although I'm probably an inch or
two taller, but compared to Denny we were all dwarfs. Of course compared to
just about anybody Kenny was a dwarf. I also found the gene pool rather
interesting. One African-American (Benny). Denny was Caucasian, and Kenny was
Mexican.

"......My brothers and I are what you can call the neighborhood watch, and we
charge a fee."

I figured I would humor them a bit as well as myself.

"How exactly does this neighborhood watch work? Does someone break into my
house, and steal my stuff while you watch?"

Benny was a bit offended. I guess he's not much for humor.

"NO! This is so that not only do you receive protection of your stuff but
yourself as well."

"Protection from whom?"

Benny turned to his brothers.

"Boys I don't think he gets it. Lets show him."

In an instant Denny grabbed me by the throat and chokeslammed me off my porch
and unto the lawn. Kenny wasted no time in jumping of the porch's banister and
slamming into my gut with and elbow drop. Before I could catch my breath the
three of them were beating the crap out of me. I covered up as much a could
while the melee went on. So sue me. I'm no Steven Segal or anyone like that.
Come to think of it Katey Sagal could probably kick my ass. I was just about
out of it when suddenly the Innie brothers stopped their welcoming gesture to
the neighborhood.

"YOU KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD! I mean you bitch."

I vaguely heard Benny shout.

"I didn't kill him. I just zapped him with a taser. He'll wake up later, and
feel like hammered $#!+."

"One of these days Clemmie you'll get yours."

It turned out a cop lives next door to me and she zapped Kenny with a taser. I
was half out of it and everything was a blur. I could at least figure out that
the beating was over once I saw Benny & Denny walking away while Denny carried
an unconscious Kenny. When things finally came into focus I saw a pretty
blonde kneeling down beside me.

"Are you allright?"

"Am I dead? Because you sure do resemble an angel."

I responded sincerely. She smiled.

"That's not original but its nice pick up line."

"It wasn't a pick up line."

"Why not? It worked. Come on lets get you to your feet."

She helped to my feet without any grunt of effort.

"Thanks."

"Wow! You're a big tall guy."

She said with admiration.

"Yeah. I'm 6'4 250 pounds."

"Too bad they had you 3 against 1."

"Well, by himself Denny would probably be more than a handful."

"You look pretty banged up. Lets go to my place and see if we can't fix you
up."

I was much obliged to go along with her. While she nursed my wounds by putting
an ice pack on my eye, and cleaning up my cuts and scratches she gave me a
more proper welcome to the neighborhood. She told me about the people in the
neighborhood, and that I wouldn't have to worry about anything being stolen.
That was with or without the Innie Brothers "protection". Doctoring up my
wounds must have turned her on; because afterwards we ended up having sex
right there on her kitchen table. As beautiful as she is and being rescued by
her I knew what turned me on. From there not only did a sexual but a
meaningful relationship occur. Within 2 months I moved out of my house and in
with her. We had a good time together. Playing Playstation, watching football
during season, and watching that Reno 911 show.

"People tell me I look and sound like her (referring to Clementine Johnson),
but I don't think I do. My boobs are bigger."

She isn't lying. Her boobs are bigger. Anyway sex between us never let up, but
personally I liked the cuddling part just as much. She would be out on patrol
and stop by 3 times a day, and we would get in a quickie each time. I was on
disability for various reasons, so I didn't work, but I did become house
boyfriend by cooking, cleaning and running her errands for her. At first I was
uncomfortable with this arrangement. Not only did I feel like less of a man
but a free loader.

"No. I know about men that are free loaders. They sit around the house all day
in their underwear smokin my bud and drinking my Bud Light. Then when I come
home he usually expects me to either cook or pay for takeout. The worse part
is sex. He bounces up and down on me for about 10 minutes then when he's done
he rolls over and goes to sleep. You don't do any of that. You clean, cook,
and sexually satisfy me. Even better you cuddle and talk to me."

That's what she told me after we lived together for two months. After being
together for 6 months something changed. Not between us but her. We finally
got a new neighbor. Lonie Linnigan, some 20 year old Jamie Pressley looking
girl. She looks a lot like Jamie Pressley from her "Jerry Springer's
Ringmaster" days. Before Jamie got all buffed and turned into lean muscle. By
that I mean Lonie was 5'5" and petite. What made Clemmie change is that she
knows Lonie; because she's her cousin. They have a bit of history between
them.

"Five years ago I had a fiancé and I caught her sleeping with him. I arrested
the ex-fiancé for statutory rape and while I was arresting him she sucker
punched me in the mouth. I returned a back hand, but she ducked under it and
high-tailed it home. Needless to say any wedding plans were off and the
ex-fiancé got 10 years."

To shorten this story a bit I will tell you the cousins made up, but without a
kiss. DAMN IT! A couple of months later I went to the grocery store and when I
returned home I saw Clemmie coming from Lonie's back yard hobbling while she
had an arm draped over her middle.

"What happened?"

I asked alarmingly. She relayed to me what happened. I've decided to tell you
as if I seen it myself. Clemmie came home to remind me to pick up women
napkins at the grocery store; because grandma Flo was coming to visit. She
found Lonie snuggling in our bed with the bedroom window opened. This clued
Clemmie to the fact that I wasn't expecting Lonie; especially since I wasn't
there, and Lonie looked like she had just snuggled in. After putting two and
two together she lunged at Lonie. Lonie rolled off the bed and made a break
for the opened window. Clemmie grabbed for her while still laying on her
stomach on the bed. Lonie was quick and was able to elude her, and climbed out
the window. Clemmie sat up on her knees while still on the bed, and grabbed
Lonie by an ankle. Lonie kicked her in the jaw and slid out the window. She
high-tailed it home and locked her door. Clemmie rubbed her jaw and chased
after her going out the front door. She went next door and banged on it
yelling at Lonie.

"LONIE! You better open this door. Don't forget I'm a police officer and I can
kick your door down."

When Lonie didn't respond Clemmie kicked the door, but with her toes and not
the flat and heal of her foot. She grabbed her foot, hopped around and swore.
She decided to go around back and get in through the back window. Even if that
meant throwing a rock through it. The back window was unlocked so she opened
it, but halfway through Lonie showed up and closed the window on Clemmie. The
mean ass Lonie held the window down while Clemmie spewed cuss words and made
idle threats.

"Listen to you. You're in no position to make demands with curse and threats."

Lonie said sarcastically.

"Listen you..... You better let me out of here or I'm gonna..........."

"You're not going to do anything but plead, and make me a promise that once I
let up on this window you're going to go back on patrol and forget this ever
happened."

There was silence for a few moments until Lonie decided to apply more pressure
and pushed down harder on the window. Clemmie yelled out in pain and even
began to whimper. It wasn't long after that she decided to beg for mercy
rather than make idle threats, or even curse at Lonie. Lonie took mercy upon
her after Clemmie promised to not retaliate for this. Not only that but she
made Clemmie say nothing but sweet things about Lonie, and Clemmie insult
herself. Moments after that I came home and met Clemmie just as she was
hobbling from Lonie's back yard. She suffered bruised ribs and a broken big
toe. That was just round one. Thanks to me and my big mouth that night I
talked Clemmie into getting revenge, but not break her promise to retaliate.

"That shouldn't be too hard Lonie does have a smart mouth on her."

Clemmie responded to my suggestion.

"I think that if you lead her to believe that everything is allright by
inviting her over for a cookout this weekend you can set the stage."

The stage was all set for the "The Duke Out at the Cookout". They weren't
really going to duke it out though. Clemmie decided on a slap-boxing match and
to get Lonie to believe that it would just be horseplay they both wore oven
mitts. The plan was to turn the slap-boxing match into a grappling match were
Clemmie planned on applying various painful submission holds. The slap-boxing
was going Clemmie's way. Being 3 inches taller she had a bit of a reach
advantage. Lonie got lucky and ducked under a slap. She then stepped forward
and stomped on Clemmie's broken but healing big toe. Lonie then came up for a
slap and "accidentally" thumbed Clemmie in the eye. The slap boxing match was
over and Lonie was apolgetic, but neither I nor Clemmie really bought, though
we acted like we did. Poor Clemmie she had a big red spot on her eye lid for a
week that looked like a huge mosquito bite. It also hurt her from time to
time. I spent that whole week nuturing her and trying to comfort her pain. She
swore revenge once her broken toe healed. The whole six weeks Clemmie acted
like everything was bliss between her and Lonie. That is when Lonie was
around, but truthfully she was conspiring and spoiling for a fight with her
younger and much smaller cousin. I've sparred around long enough. I just
wanted to give you a little background about the two combatant.

Blah blah blah. You suck Dirk. I'm taking over. Back off you Bizzle this is
how Pygmalion kicks this Shiznit. Dirk had this big old build up planned, but
I'll tell you short, sweet, and like this.

Clemmie's toe and eye healed. She came home one day while still in uniform and
on duty. She tricked Lonie into thinking she was going to take her to lunch.
Instead took her little cousin to a vacant lot.

Surprisingly Lonie seemed to know what was going on and when Clemmie
challenged her to fight Lonie nonchalantly accepted.

"I mean it. Get out of the car because me and you are going to tussle."

Clemmie sounded very insistent. Lonie only sighed in boredom.

"Allright, but you asked for it."

Clemmie removed her police gear including her badge and put them in the trunk
of the patrol car. She cracked her knuckles and doubled her fist. Lonie
chuckled at her.

"What's so funny?!"

"Just this....."

Lonie smacked Clemmie in the face.

".......you shouldn't leave yourself so open."

Clemmie became really furious at the insult and shoved Lonie down to the
ground. She pounced on her small cousin and the two began to wrestle. Clemmie
was having a hard time gaining the advantage because Lonie was a bit of a
contortionist, and was able to slip out of any hold. Frustrated that she could
not only keep a hold of Lonie let alone put her in any good submission holds
Clemmie decided to take a different approach. Once again both combatants were
on their feet squaring off with fists doubled. Clemmie decided to give Lonie
pneumonia by take a big swipe with each fist and missing. Lonie ducked under
and stepped forward where her fist were punished by Clemmie's mid-section.
Lonie received further punishment to her fist when she uppercutted Clemmie to
the chin. To say the least Clemmie had a strange strategy. After a continous
punishment to Lonie's knuckles with her gut, face, and even boobs, Clemmie
took mercy upon Lonie and fell back against her squad car and put her hand up
to show Lonie she planned on stopping the punishment she inflicted on Lonie's
knuckles. Lonie was a maschistic little bugger as she decided she wanted to be
flashed by Clemmie and tore open Clemmie's police uniform top. Clemmie once
again tried to give her pneumonia, and abused the ducking bugger's knuckles
again with her gut. Clemmie again showed mercy and slid down to the ground,
and put her hand up.

"Had enough?"

Lonie sarcastically asked.

"No but I think your knuckles have."

Clemmie responded in kind.

"Well for a token of goodwill give me your uniform."

"Why? It won't fit you."

"Like I said. Just a token of goodwill."

Lonie showed her fist and Clemmie decided that a token of goodwill was the
only thing that would keep Lonie from breaking her knuckles. She complied and
drove them both home just in her lingerie.

That's the best you can do Pygmalion?! That was horrible and sarcastic.
Clemmie got her ass kicked folks. It does pain me to say that. Unfortunately
the story doesn't end there. 35 years ago a trucker rolled into town and
porked Clemmie's mom and produced Clemmie. 15 years later that same trucker
rolled into town again and porked Lonie's mom, which means Lonie is Clemmie's
little sister. Clemmie about fainted when she found out. Lonie was delighted
and hugged, kissed, and even fondeled Clemmie's boobs.

"WHOA! Wait a minute. We're sisters. Besides my door doesn't swing that way!"

"Its okay. We're sisters."

I think this is a Jerry Springer episode just waiting to happen.

Pygmalion as Dirk rswf@pcis.net