Alpha Centaurian's Updated Tales of Females

By Robert Adam Morrison (Alpha Centaurian)

A collection of new versions of old verse

Email comments/suggestions to alpha_cent@hotmail.com

My apologies and respect to the Brothers Grimm, Mother Goose and Ronald Dahl.

And honourable mentions to Fractured Fairy Tales, Bugs Bunny and Monty Python.

Tales of the First:

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With cockel shells and silver bells,

And 5 sets of 20 reps, all in a row

-

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater,

Had a wife, and couldn't keep her

With shoulders strong and biceps eager

She put him in a cobra clutcher

-

Jack Spratt could eat no fat

He was a sickly sight

His wife, however, ate the lot

And grew to muscular might.

-

There was a lady who lived in a shoe.

She converted the toe space into a gym

And pumped up her biceps to inches twenty-two

Tale the Second

Goldilocks and the Bears Three

Goldilocks was a weak german girl who had beautiful blonde tresses. It was said by the villagers that they were spun of gold. She was a young lass entering into womanhood, but was unspoilt by the world. All the boys of the village were in love with her, and sought to win her heart. They performed all sorts of foolish man-like things in her name. One boy chopped down ten trees, and another killed a brace of rabbits for her. However, she remained untouched by these gestures, and Goldilocks grew tired of the boys of the village.

So, Goldilocks one day strayed from the village and sought out a place where she could be alone from boys trying to impress her. She walked out on the country lane, past the village gates, and even past the woodcutter's house. Soon, sure enough, she was lost. The trees around her were unfamiliar and there was no markers of any kind.

Now, Goldilocks was really worried, and wondered if her straying was such a good idea after all. Her dress was getting all dirty, and her hair was beginning to lose its luster. She was getting cold and scared. She started to run off into the woods, crying out in desperation.

Meanwhile, in a small cabin, a trio of bears lived. There was a papa bear, a mama bear and a baby bear. The bears were of an intelligent, bipedal sort that could speak. The cabin was a two-floorer with a common downstairs room and a single bedroom upstairs. A single chimney provided exhaust for fireplaces two, one on each level.

The bears were at breakfast, eating porridge, rather than grubs, nuts and berries. The honey was short this year (Hephalumps, you know). Papa bear suddenly pushed his bowl, the largest, away from him and exclaimed in a large, grizzly voice:

"Bah! My porridge is too hot!'

"My porridge is too cold!' objected Mama bear.

"Mine's okay!' said Baby bear.

"Never mind! I need mine to cool down. Let's go for a walk!' Papa bear commanded.

So, the bears left the cabin, and went off for a walk to wherever it is bears walk to.

Soon enough, Goldilocks came upon the cabin. She saw the smoke exit the chimney, and thought that someone might be home. She ran up and knocked on the door.

"Hello?' she called out, but answer came there none.

The door was not barred, so she openend it and quietly stepped inside. Her eyes instantly came upon the three bowls of porridge on the table. Goldilocks had not eaten for hours, and her stomach was crying out. She grabbed a spoon, and dug into the largest bowl.

"Ooo! This one is too hot!' she said. But she was so hungry, she ate the lot. And even after that, she was still so hungry that she ate the cold porridge and the porridge, just right. Then, she gave out a most unlady-like belch that shook the cabin. She became quite suddenly tired. She ignored the three chairs, and walked up the stairs to the bedroom. There were three beds.

The first proved too hard. The first, too soft. But the third one was just right. She climbed under the covers and quickly dozed off, snoring nosily.

Now, there was a curious property to bear-made porridge. This kind gave the bears intelligence and gift of speech. However, the effects turned out to be different for Goldilocks.

The bears then returned to their little chalet. Upon entering, they noticed the changes.

"Somebody ate all the porridge!' Papa bear was fuming.

The bears rushed upstairs, and noted the loud noise.

"Somebody's been sleeping in our beds!' Papa bear shouted.

Goldilocks did not stir. Papa bear leaned over her prone form, and took in a breath.

"SOMEBODY'S BEEN SLEEPING-'

That was all he got out before a pair of hands reached out, held his head, and then a knee was forced upside his chin, knocking him back onto the ground. The bears were shocked at what they saw.

Goldilocks had grown tall and large, with biceps large and legs strong. Her muscles rippled with power. Her dress was tatters. Her golden tresses had grown long and even more beautiful than before.

Goldilocks made quick work of the bears, killing them quickly and easily with her bare hands. She skinned their hides and flattened the cabin to the ground.

Later that day, she returned to the village, clad in bearskin boots, brassire and briefs, and with a necklace of bear teeth. From that day one, the boys never sought to try and impress her, but only to worship her. And she lived happily ever after-

Tale the Third

Rapunzel

Once upon a time, there was a princess. Her name was Rapunzel, and she was so beautiful, that, for some reason, she was taken away when she was a baby. Her captor was an evil sorceress who had issues, and she took Rapunzel and stowed her on the top floor of a tower that had no entrance. The tower was strong and made of stones made by trolls. The sorceress made sure Rapunzel had food and such things, because, for some reason, she wanted Rapunzel alive.

Now, as Rapunzel grew up, she became even more beautiful. The sorceress had some sort of scissor taboo, so Rapunzel's hair grew to an enourmous length. This was handy for the sorcerss, however, who had problems getting into the tower (she had problems thinking things through). So, everytime the sorceress came to the base of the tower, she called out:

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.'

And then, Rapunzel let down her lengthy tresses, and the sorceress would climb up the hair. This was in the days before mass transit, understand.

So, anyhoo, the sorceress got drunk at a wizard's convention, and blabbled the story of Rapunzel, causing some envy amoung the other spellcasters who had brewed equally impractical schemes. A disgruntled dwarf, whose only initial was R, wanted revenge on the sorceress for shortchanging him, let out word of Rapunzel all over the land.

That was enough. There were plenty of horny princes looking for princesses, because of some union rule saying they could only marry princesses. So, the fools set out to claim Rapunzel as their own. One after one they tried to scale the tower, but all their schemes failed. Rapunzel was confused, but found a few of the princes handsome, so tried to yell out suggestions. The sorceress, a prideful sort, had enough and cast a few fireballs into the midst of the princes. Those that did not die, fled, because their was a shortage of rings of fire resistance in the land.

One prince, however, by the name of Dregold, hid in the forest. He was clever, but sort of foolish at the same time. He waited and saw the sorceress call out:

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!'

He saw the length of hair go down the side of the tower, and watched the sorceress climb up. After ten minutes, the hair was let down again, and the sorceress climbed down and left, making sure that Rapunzel once again retracted her lengthy strands.

Dregold made sure he was not seen, and darted over to the base of the tower. He cleared his voice and spoke:

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!'

Now, Rapunzel may have been cooped up in her tower for most of her life, but she was not a complete fool. The sorceress had allowed some books, and she had read quite a few, so she had some sense.

"That's not the sorceress' voice!' she called out, and looked down.

However, she was suddenly taken aback. Dregold was the most handsome prince she had ever laid eyes upon. Plus, she could see his cute butt, and those only come once in a while. Rapunzel had fallen in love, and let down her hair without another moment's notice.

Dregold scaled it quickly, and landed in the top floor of the tower. There, he saw Rapunzel up close. She was as beautiful as any of the rumours had said. Her long blonde hair sprouted from a pretty head. Blue eyes deeply set gazed out lovingly at him. Her red lips were pursed. Her tiny nose sat perfectly upon her face. She wore a dress of lavender that was made of the richest fabriques.

Dregold instantly knelt before her.

"M'lady, I have journeyed far to find you. You are the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Will you come with me and be my princess?'

"Oh, yes my prince!'

The two embraced.

As Dregold placed his arms around her, there was something about her he could not place. Something felt strange.

Rapunzel broke the kiss.

"Quickly!' she said. "Before the sorceress returns, we must flee!'

"But how are we both to climb down?'

"I have means.' Rapunzel stated, and then, with a quick movement, she removed her dress.

Dregold was awed by the sight in front of him. Rapunzel was nearly naked, wearing only two strips of lavender fabric wrapped around her sensitive areas. This let her leanly muscular frame be seen in full. Her long and powerful legs streched from her torso to the ground. Her rippling abs gleamed in the sunlight. Her sinuous arms glistened.

Dregold could only stare, and Rapunzel quickly braided her long hair into a more manageable state. Dregold just watched her biceps and triceps dance as she tied up her hair.

"All finished!' Rapunzel stated. "Oh! You're wondering how I got so muscular? That's just from having to lift my hair all the time. Well, also I do nothing but exercises up here. I mean, I can't get out much.'

Dregold managed to snap out of the state he was in.

"Ready?' Rapunzel asked. Dregold nodded.

Rapunzel swung over the window sill and grasped onto the tower's side. Her extreme strength easily made a dent into the seemingly impervious masonry. Dregold gladly climbed onto her back, and grasped at her. Rapunzel made good time and made it to the bottom of the tower in no time.

Just then, the sorceress came back, having forgotten something. She saw Rapunzel and the handsome Dregold, and came to the right conclusion.

"Ha! You're trying to escape. Well, that won't happen!' the sorceress screamed out.

But, before the sorceress could cast a spell, Rapunzel was on her like a flash. Rapunzel caught the sorceress' wrists in her strong hands, and then forced the spellcaster to the ground. Wrapping her powerful right arm around the neck of the sorceress, Rapunzel began to apply pressure.

"No more! I don't know why you captured me, witch, but I've had enough!' and with a quick twist, Rapunzel had snapped the neck of the sorceress.

Rapunzel and Dregold made haste and managed to reach the kingdom of Dregold's parents. Dregold had asked permission to marry Rapunzel, and the King was about to, when Rapunzel's parents suddenly barged in, and after hearing of Rapunzel's freedom, demanded that the young couple become sovereigns of their kingdom. There was much squabbling, and Rapunzel was totally appalled.

So, she grabbed Dregold and ran for the exit. The couple thenafter went on their own adventures and didn't stay anyplace too long.

And they lived happily ever after-

Tale the Fourth

Riding the Little Red Hood

Once Upon a Time, near the Black Forest of Germany, there was a small village that was secluded and cut off from much of the rest of the other villages. And in the village lived a young girl called Little Red Riding Hood. For most of her life, she had been a small girl, and wore a red cloak that covered her scarlet hair. Her friends teased her about her size, and so she found her name insulting.

Now, Red's grandmother lived alone in the forest down a dark lane. Her Grandmother was beginning to slow in her old age, and was under the weather frequently. One day, Red's mother gave her a basket filled with goodies for her grandmother, because they didn't have nutritionalists back then. So, Little Red Riding Hood, clad in scarlet cloak, basket in hand, made way through the forest.

Soon, she came upon a fork in the road. Red knew she had to go down the main path, and not to stray down the other path. She then came upon a wolfwere. Wolfweres, as you may know, are wolves that walk and talk like men, and are as wicked as ogres (who are very wicked, let me tell you). The wolfwere could smell the goodies, but was cunning, and knew to take his time.

"Hello there, little girl!' his voice dripped of honey and venom.

"Hello there!' said Little Red Riding Hood, who was pure and good, and therefore na#ve.

"What have you there, my dear?'

"It's a basket of goodies for my sick, incontenant grandmother who lives in a cabin down this lane!'

"What a good little girl you are! Well, you musn't dawdle. Just keep on that lane, and do not stray!'

"Thank you. I will.'

And so, Red skipped off, not knowing the situation she was in.

The wolfwere, a vicious, cunning sort hatched a plot. A horrible, evil, wolfly plan! The likes of which the village had never seen.

Anyhoo, he ran down the other path as fast as a wolf, and soon came upon a humble little cottage. This was the home of Red's grandmother. The wolfwere easily made his way inside, and quickly tied up Grandma. She started to protest, but he put a gag "round her mouth, and forced her into a closet. He then dressed up like Grandma, and climbed into her bed.

About that time, Little Red Riding Hood came skipping down the lane and stopped at the front of Grandma's house.

"I'm here, Grandma!' she chimed.

"Come in!' the wolfwere said in a well-mimicked voice.

Thinking nothing of it, Red opened the door and hopped to the bed where the wolfwere was lying in wait.

"Come closer, Little Red.' The wolfwere bade her. "My eyes are old.'

"Oh my, what big eyes you have, Grandma!'

"The better to see you with, my dear!'

"What big ears you have!'

"The better to hear you with, my dear!'

"What a big mouth you have!'

"Hey, now that's just rude! Well, I've had enough of this anyways! Give me those goodies!'

The wolfwere leapt out of bed and tried to take the basket away from Red. Red fought like the dickens and ran away. The wolfwere chased Red around the room like a fox chases a hen. Red was losing steam, when the closet was flung open, and Grandma was free.

"The porridge!' she cried out. "Eat the porridge!'

Red ran to the table and ate the porridge sitting there. For you see, Red's Grandma was actually Goldilocks of the earlier tale. And she had kept the recipe of the porridge, and even improved on it. Red then burped, and exploded with muscle. Her arms became huge and her chest thrust forward with power. Her legs thickened and her neck tightened with cords of power.

The wolfwere became sorely afraid at this, and the chase took a turn. Now, the wolfwere was running away from Big Red Riding Hood.

At that time, a passing woodman heard all the commotion coming from within the cottage, and entered.

"What's going-.' He started.

"Let me have that!' Red said, and grabbed the ax from his hands. He could only stare at Red's appearance.

Red wound up and swung with the ax, aiming to decapitate the wolfwere. However, at the last second, the wolfwere fell to the floor, away from the ax's keen edge. Momentum carried the ax head around, and it cleft the head of the woodman clean off. The head fell to the ground, and the body toppled after.

Red was shocked, but then something marvelous happened. There was a shimmering around the body of the woodman and the wolfwere, and a bit of magic entered the air. When it dimmed, the body and head of the woodman was that of a werewolf, and the wolfwere had become a handsome young man with raven hair and blue eyes.

"Thank you!' the young man said. "You have freed me from the spell that the evil wizard put me under. Now I can return to my village and lavish in wealth. Care to join me?'

"I thought you'd never ask!' Red replied, and the two linked arms and started off for the hills, leaving old Goldilocks wondering how she was going to get werewolf blood off her floor.

And most of them lived happily ever after-

Tale the Fifth

There's No White Like Snow White

There was an evil queen who ruled over a Teutonic kingdom. She was well-versed in magic and was deeply beautiful in a cold sort of way. Her husband had died many years ago, but not before he managed to give seed to a chambermaid named Mindy, who died in childbirth. The resulting child was named Snow White to cover the hole situation, and the evil queen was bregrudingly forced to keep her as a daughter. But, secretly, she hated her for her husband's infidelity.

The queen had many magics about, and her favourite was a magic mirror. She would stand in front of the mirror and ask:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?'

To which the mirror would answer:

"You are, your heiness.'

And this would please the queen immensly.

Now, despite the circumstances of her birth and her childhood environment, Snow White was a good kid who wouldn't think of harming another person. She was still young but she sang beautifully, and even the birds would stop their chirping to hear her divine voice. Alas, the career of pop vocalist would not be available for many years.

Anyhoo, one day a prince showed up at the evil queen's castle, after nearly being scorched by a fireball. He was, of course, looking for a princess, and was following a few leads from the Prince's Handbook of Princesses. So, hearing of the possibility of a pure Princess, he had come to the evil queen's palace. He took the side entrance, and heard a voice singing. The voice took his heart away, and he ran towards its source.

He found Snow White, singing a quaint little number beside a well. He ran up to her and professed his love. Snow White was quite amused, but didn't know what to make of the prince. The evil queen was watching, however, and didn't like the development one bit. She sent the prince away on a quest. The queen was very jealous, and asked her mirror:

"Mirror, mirror, who's the fairest of them all?'

But the mirror had this to say:

"Beautiful ye be, but Snow White is even more fair!'

The queen flew into a rage, and summoned her top hunter.

The evil queen bade the hunter to take Snow White to the forest and do away with her. So, the hunter took Snow White, under pretense, and dragged her into the forest. Now, this hunter was quite the pervert, and saw Snow White as a ripe young girl. Fortunately for Snow White, a passing patrol of Dwarfs came by, and chased off the hunter. They took Snow White to their home.

Their home was a dwarven stronghold, set upon a lode of great worth. Over a thousand dwarves lived in this mountain fortress, harvesting the precious bounty of the earth. Gold, rubies, emeralds, silver, and all other such wealth was their hoarde. And they lived a good life as a result. Many fine buildings of stone and mortar made up their town. Ale and wine was their drink, and the finest meats and breads fit for a dwarf was made available.

Snow White was accepted into the stronghold, and asked to stay. She accepted, fearing for her life at the castle of the evil queen. And so, they gave her a home and kept her well.

Meanwhile, the hunter returned with a heart taken from a stag. He presented it to the evil queen, but the evil queen knew a stag's heart from a human heart, being a wizardress and all. She cast her finger at him, and he had a heart attack, quite ironically. She then spoke to the mirror.

"Okay, miror, level with me. Where's Snow White?'

"In the fortress of the dwarves!' It answered.

"Pah! They can keep her.' And the evil queen thought nothing more of the matter.

Snow White grew up in the dwarven fortress, which was so different from human lands. It was not easy, and she soon found herself expected to pull her own weight. Both man and woman were miners, smiths and toilers in the dwarven lands. Snow White was taught the arts of mining, armouring and weaponsmithing. She learned to use weapons and wear armour.

By her sixteenth year, Snow White had become a tall and muscular girl with raven black hair and blue eyes. Her skin remained of alabaster, but the lines and ridges of muscles had become apparent. She had taken to wearing clothes in the style of dwarves, and favoured a sword at her side at all times.

She then plead to the Thane of the fortress to give her leave to reclaim her birthright. The Thane approved heartily, and gave Snow White magical armour, a magic shield and a magical sword to aid her in the quest. Snow White was also given the service of seven dwarven adventurers:

Grem'pay, a stout and powerful warrior who carried an ax as big as he.

Slep'e, a female warrior who used a crossbow with deadly accuracy.

Snee-say, a dwarven thief. It was said he could be as silent as a mouse.

Beshfal, a beautiful priestess who could heal dwarf and beast alike.

Hepai, a minstrel who could charm the socks of a miser.

Doupae, a fighter who was large and dim, but strong as an ox

And Du'uok, an odd sort: he was a dwarf and a magician, who could cast spells of fire and enchantment.

So, Snow White set out with her magical gear and her dwarven companions for the castle of the evil queen. The mirror alerted the evil queen of their progress, however, and she was completely aware of their attempt. So, the evil queen hatched a plot.

Snow White and her companions took rest at an inn one night, and had a great time eating the best food and drink the inn had to offer. Hepai sang a baudous song, and all laughed. They were all quite drunk and filled with food. Then, under disguise, the evil queen slunk into the inn, and placed poisoned apples on the table. She then slunk away under cover of night.

Now, dwarves don't eat apples, even when as soused as the seven were at that time. But Snow White had a soft spot for apples, and soon had scarfed down all but the core of four or five apples. The world got wavery before her, and she fell asleep. Soon, all others followed, for other reasons.

When they awoke, the dwarves noted Snow White's state, but couldn't rouse her. They tried every trick, but Snow White quietly snored away. They took her outside, hoping the fresh air would awake her, but she lay still. However, fate smiled and the prince came by. He had finished his quest, having found a chicken with lips, what he carried in his arms.

The prince saw Snow White, and was still in love with her. He ran over and kissed her. And Doupae kissed the chicken.

Soon, Snow White awoke and gazed into the prince's eyes. She fell instantly in love.

The prince joined the troop, and they doubled their pace as they set towards the evil queen's castle. The queen was furious. She summoned many monsters and set them to defend the castle. Ogres and trolls, bugbears and goblins were all set to receive the attackers.

Snow White and her band reached the castle, and insantly were set upon by the monsters. The queen cast spells from her tower, but Du'uok cast spells of protection. Slep'e launched a great assault of quivers and bolts against the goblins lurching upon the battlements, felling them. Snee-say disappeared in the midst of the monsters, hamstringing and backstabbing them. Grem'pay, the prince and Snow White entered into melee with the bugbears and ogres, unleashing attacks of great strength against the hideous monsters. Hepai and Beshfal helped as best they could, using hand axs and daggers.

Doupae was another matter, however. Upon smelling the scent of trolls, he became red. He snarled and spat. His clan had an ancient rivalry with the trolls, and Doupae was no exception. He cried out so loud that the birds flew away for miles and the trees blew as if in the wind. With twin battle axs, Doupae leapt for the trolls, cleaving heads and killing them outright.

The evil queen was afraid for her life, as it appeared she was losing the battle. Snow White and her band had killed nearly all the monsters, and were making their way into the castle. So, the evil queen cast a summoning spell, and unleashed a wyvern in their midst.

The large, dragon-like beast, smelt the flesh of dwarves, and was hungry. It fought like hellspawn, lashing out with beak, talons and barbed tail. Slep'e and Hepai died, writhing with the deadly poison of the wyvern's tail. Grem'pay and Hapai were forced to the ground from their injuries, and Beshfal was pressed to heal them. The queen laughed evily as the beast was making short work of the band.

Then, with unseen strength, Snow White ran under the wyvern and lifted it over her head. She strained and her biceps burst through her chain mail sleeves. Then, with immense power, Snow White threw the wyvern into the air. It flew a great distance and landed in a valley filled with sharp rocks. It was pierced and fell dead.

Exhausted of conjurations, the queen ran to the ground of her castle, and sought out Snow White in a desparate effort. Snow White's face was torn with anger. For the prince had receieved a wound in the battle, forcing him to his knees. The queen was defiant.

The queen had one final magic available to her. She brought forth her hands and cast a final spell. Her body was surrounded by a purple and black light. Then, her body expanded. Her arms burst from her sleeves, bulging with muscles. Her legs ripped through her dress, fully musculed and ripped with strength. The queen ripped off her dress, leaving her only in underclothes, revealing her thick and shredded torso. Her large breasts sat atop pectoral muscles. The queen also removed her cowl and crown, letting her long, straight brown hair flow freely.

Snow White threw away her shield and sword, and removed her shredded armour, revealing her strong body. Her arms had become huge and throbbed with power. Snow White paced forward, keeping her eyes focused on the evil queen.

Suddenly, the women sprang at each other, and their arms clenched one another. There was a clap of thunder as the powerful limbs strained against one another. Either woman pushed against the other, and soon there was small rents in the ground where their feet pressed against.

The queen then managed to gain advantage, and drove Snow White into the ground. Snow White tried to get up, but the queen was fast, and hooked the arms of Snow White. The queen then lifted Snow White overhead and quickly threw her towards the ground. Snow White hit the ground with great force and skidded.

Snow White tried to shake the cobwebs from her head, but the evil queen was one her in a second. The queen's mammoth arms were wrapped around the chest and chin of Snow White, and the queen forced her weight on Snow White's back. Snow White cried out with the pain this brought. The queen put all her strength into this hold.

The dwarves were afraid in interfere, but Snee-say had an idea, and ran off into the castle, silently and invisibly.

Snow White managed to wriggle free of the hold, and came from behind on the queen. Snow White slid her arms underneath the queen's and lifted her into the air. Snow White then drove the queen into the ground. Snow White took a second to recover, but this proved to be a mistake, for the queen was back up on her feet.

The queen kicked Snow White, taking the wind out of her. Snow White weeved, and the queen grabbed her. The queen placed Snow White upon her massive shoulders, and began to apply pressure. Snow White cried out in agony and the queen relished in the feeling of power.

Just then, Snee-say had returned, dragging along what he had been seeking. Seeing Snow White's plight, he acted quickly. He held up the magic mirror in front of the queen.

The queen suddenly stopped her hold on Snow White and let her drop. She was marvelling at her reflection. The queen couldn't believe what she had become. She suddenly was overcome by narcassism, and began to flex her muscles, letting the mirror reflect the image of power she was.

Snow White was about to attack her from behind, but spotted her own reflection in the mirror, and joined the queen, doing her own poses. By now, the remaining dwarves had recovered, and Beshfal had healed the prince. He was overcome seeing the image in front of him: two beautiful, muscular women, clad in very little, were posing.

He ran up to them, and begged them to have their way with him. Snow White and the queen accepted, buried the hatched and gave into pleasure, both taking turns with the prince.

And they lived happily ever after-

THE END